to want to write my family a resignation letter

[Isabelle112]

Have posted here recently & much encouraged by responses. Sorry to post again. But today, things are so much worse. DS back from uni - barely a word from him expect a request that we talk about gym membership for the holidays. When pressed about getting a p-t job, brushes it aside. When pressed about getting a job at uni, brushes it aside with excuses. When encouraged to talk to me about having a revision schedule, brushes it aside (exams January inc a re-take). Up all night on computer, sleeps in the day, only wants fast food at night (eating normally might mean sitting down with me). Never, ever an offer to help in the house.

Another DS, older, living at home has worked p-t but that's drying up and is reluctant now to work anywhere other than a pub. We live in a town, there are jobs and he has a first and second degree - but such a procrastinator re applying for graduate posts/temporary posts.
DH gets minimum wage. Looking for better paid work but his age may be against him (and he desperately needs help to improve his interview techniques, by his own admission).

I work f-t and p-t. Neither job is much fun or well paid. Both are pretty stressful. I am almost permanently exhausted. I've no idea why my boys, who no doubt love me very much, cannot see that by in effect forcing me to go very far beyond my means/budget to pay rent (uni - I'd accept that gladly if he'd pull his weight); fork out when funds are low; pay for mini breaks; for clothes, they are in fact abusing me. I'm often too tired to defend myself, too embarrassed to tell them how low family funds are, too resigned (this is how it's been for a very long time). DH does his best but doesn't feel, of course, my exhaustion & thinks I'm coping. I'm not. The tiredness makes me ache all over, often.

Now, I want to write to them. To all of them. To resign from all that I do - the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, the constant forking out. I'll carry on working, I'll honour a promise to pay for one of my DS's upcoming mini breaks with old uni friends. But that's it until they wake up.

SecretNutella. Lol, you are not seriously still blaming your DHs mother for his lack of cooking and cleaning skills after 14 years!!! I think your DH is pulling a fast one and it sounds like you are falling for it. You really don't have to be taught these things, they are not difficult.

" I'm often too tired to defend myself" This worries me and I feel for you. What were your family dynamics when you grew up? Are these being copied now? who did you have to defend yourself against when you were growing up that means you are not asserting yourself now? You are treating yourself not as the adult here but in a submissive role trying to make sure everyone else is happy.

As the above poster says. You are the only one who can change things. You need to make yourself happy and confident to say "this is not ok, I want change and I want us to agree what will change". You should not feel guilty about doing this, but maybe you were made to feel guilty when you were younger in previous family dynamics and this stopping you from taking this step.

Good luck OP. keep us updated. Life is not a dress rehearsal so make the change.(flowers)

Op, news flash! Your children aren't the problem, you are. You and your dh are the enablers. This cannot be said in a nicer way because you need to hear it. You are killing your self. Stop! Yo sound like my aunt. It's always her children's problem. She does the same thing you've described. State how you want things to be done and stick to it, they are not two years olds. These are people who understand. Don't be afraid they will hate you. What is worse, being hated or dying of exhaustion or heart attack before your time from worry, depression and work?

If the holiday is more than two months away let him work for it.
Stop paying their things. Stop funding their lifestyles.

Write it down and let them all know. quit your part time job, that is madness.
They are supposed to cherish their Mum, the way you cherished them when they were young. What a load of bastards to watch Mum working herself to an early grave so they can be lazy arses who go on mini breaks and don't pay their own way.

too embarrassed to tell them how low family funds are
Any child with common sense will know that if their mother is doing two jobs like yours, it's not out of choice but necessity. They would understand that it's because the money from one job is not enough. Why pretend to your children that you are richer than you are?
Am assuming they believe the bank of mum and dad is flowing with cash they can easily tap into.

I don't understand why people are not honest with their older children!

There are some very good ideas on this thread. I hope your children sit up and take notice when you sit them down, OP.

If they don't heed the wake up call, cut them off. Completely. Do not do another thing for them.

And fer god's sake, do not pay for the mini break. A break for not doing anything? No way.

OP, what are you really afraid of? If you start saying No - no gym membership, no minibreaks, no more money at all, in fact I'm going to start charging you rent - what are you afraid of happening?

Op - I remember your earlier thread, about your uni DS spending all his cash and you funding him (I think I even posted on it, did it include £50 hair cuts?).

Most of the responses told you to stop paying for him, other than maybe a supermarket gift card.

As a pp said, you have enabled this by not saying no to them, by constantly doing chores for them (have they ever done chores?), constantly funding them - they obviously have no respect for you. Paying for mini- breaks & gym - err, no!

As a comparison, DS is in first term at uni, he is home overnight, goes back tmrw night for some festive uni outings then back for good after his final lecture on Friday.

DD16 comes in from college 5.30, both DH and I commute 35 miles, to same area, and had horrendous journey home tonight with traffic. Dinner - a pre-cooked lasagne, with garlic bread - was ready when we came in (after 2.5hr plus journeys). DS had also walked dog and supervised a boiler service since he arrived home at 12, done his own and some of our washing (and put on drying rack) and added some lights to the bare xmas tree that came in from garage last night.

He spent time tonight sorting out lots of other decorations, before doing the dog's evening walk. He has offered to cook tea tomorrow, red thai curry.

He never asks for money, as we already fund part of his living costs at uni, but given that he is so helpful and not demanding, we are happy to offer to pay for extras eg train fare home.

I think you have no choice but to effectively go on strike and stop giving money. They need a wake up call and to learn to respect you. If they want money, let them get off their rear ends and earn it!!

They are only behaving in this way because you are allowing them to. Our youngest lost her job recently, has been slack in applying for others, and doesn't do anything to lift a finger. So we've fed her, but not given her a penny so as not to encourage her. She wouldn't apply for jobseekers and go the local benefit office, so this month her phone has been not paid and she's had no money for meeting friends, xmas presents, lunch out etc. And guess what, she's had an interview today and got a job. Cut them off immediately, you're not teaching them anything other than the fact that mum and dad are doormats. They have no physical reason to not be able to work, and when their social lives stop, that will change. Why on earth are you doing this to yourself - if you don't respect yourself, they won't either.

I hear Rio is good this time of year. Maybe get a job selling sunglasses on the beach?

Running away from your problems to another country is so underrated these days

You are really not helping them by bankrolling them and letting them be lazy. It might feel kind and motherly but it's not teaching them good life lessons and it's harming you.

It sounds exhausting, no wonder you're on the verge! I think the sooner you stop paying for things the better. They need to learn especially at uni age. They'll moan - but don't give in. And give up your pt job - if you're not able to you're less likely to give in.

I think this is really due to you not saying no.

Me and my db had a very different treatment from our parents when growing up. He wasnt told to help around the house at all, he was funded for everything and because of this our parents still fund him at the age of 26. He does little bit of work every now and again and gets praise for this and rest of the time he sits at home doing nothing but playing games.
I on the other hand had to do all house work, had to work for things and was told I would either need to start paying rent or leave home at 18. So I left and have not relied on anyone since. I work full time and support myself. No praise for me though but I am still glad I got the harsh treatment as I can now be independent.

You need to start doing this with your sons. Cut out all the money and tell them that if they want to be able to spent money on gym or trips then they need to get a job. Otherwise they end up being slobs like my db and you will be financing them for forever.

Not only are you heading towards a breakdown, as we can all only take so much before we snap, you are also heading towards two sons who will most likely one day settle down and make their wives lives a complete misery, probably divorced in no time also.
I don't think it's ever to late to re educate them as to how they should be behaving and how a family home runs.
Stop being a matyr.
You are literally not teaching them a thing about the real world. It will do them no favour.

My Dd is 16, still at school and works 2 jobs. Ds is only 14, but I hope once he turns 16 that he will find some work.

I certainly won't be paying for mini breaks etc. Sit them down and tell them they are old enough to find jobs and bank of mum and dad is closed until further notice.

Do it! You need them to do some growing up and to understand the physical, emotional, and financial realities of your situation.

I would add that though your intentions with your boys are no doubt lovely, you are doing them no favours. They're not learning vital skills about being self-reliant and independent because you're very kindly cushioning them. In the longer run, these days women (and men!) do not want husbands who don't cook, help around the house, or pull their weight regarding household income. I have a friend who was overly indulged as a young man by his mother, and his selfish entitlement and messiness mean he just cannot find a partner. He's 45.

Oh fffs just learn to say no - they are not abusing you you are letting yourself be used. Abusive is emotionally or physical violence not just your inability to say fuck off I'm not paying for anything any more.

I really don't understand this trend for parents to bankroll their adult offspring through uni? Neither I nor any of my friends received a penny post-16 - we lived off our EMA and student loans and then had an actual reason and motivation to get a PT job as well.

EMA has been scrapped. Annual tuition fees have risen from over £3k to over £9k.

How did you get into this situation? I wonder if you've enabled it to some extent? Giving them lots and the boys becoming entitled/expectant.

In your shoes I'd write a rota for the cleaning, cooking etc. If they fail to comply, they don't eat and you can sort yourself out.

Paying for rent I understand. Paying the basic line contract for a phone I understand. Pay for nothing else. You cannot afford to shell out money constantly and your mental health is more important.

They can choose to work if they want stuff. This will help them make the transition into adulthood.

Then stand firm. Expect them to be awful in response. Still stand firm. Don't waver.

Both my teens worked aged 14 onwards. If they wanted gadgets, savings, unessential clothes and crap, they had to pay for it.

Also give up one of your jobs.

Annual tuition fees have risen from over £3k to over £9k.

But you don't need to pay these upfront - they can get a loan for them like everyone else, and get a job to fund the rest! I can understand parents helping with rent or buying food once a term perhaps, but why are they funding their adult children's social lives?!

And low levels of vitamin D contribute to extreme exhaustion, I started taking an ordinary multivitamin with Vit D in it two winters ago and I now only get tired, but not exhausted to the point of weeping

It is now recommended we all take this in the winter months, so get on it today.

Totally agree with all the other posters, just go on strike NOW!

Good luck.