to want to write my family a resignation letter

[Isabelle112]

Have posted here recently & much encouraged by responses. Sorry to post again. But today, things are so much worse. DS back from uni - barely a word from him expect a request that we talk about gym membership for the holidays. When pressed about getting a p-t job, brushes it aside. When pressed about getting a job at uni, brushes it aside with excuses. When encouraged to talk to me about having a revision schedule, brushes it aside (exams January inc a re-take). Up all night on computer, sleeps in the day, only wants fast food at night (eating normally might mean sitting down with me). Never, ever an offer to help in the house.

Another DS, older, living at home has worked p-t but that's drying up and is reluctant now to work anywhere other than a pub. We live in a town, there are jobs and he has a first and second degree - but such a procrastinator re applying for graduate posts/temporary posts.
DH gets minimum wage. Looking for better paid work but his age may be against him (and he desperately needs help to improve his interview techniques, by his own admission).

I work f-t and p-t. Neither job is much fun or well paid. Both are pretty stressful. I am almost permanently exhausted. I've no idea why my boys, who no doubt love me very much, cannot see that by in effect forcing me to go very far beyond my means/budget to pay rent (uni - I'd accept that gladly if he'd pull his weight); fork out when funds are low; pay for mini breaks; for clothes, they are in fact abusing me. I'm often too tired to defend myself, too embarrassed to tell them how low family funds are, too resigned (this is how it's been for a very long time). DH does his best but doesn't feel, of course, my exhaustion & thinks I'm coping. I'm not. The tiredness makes me ache all over, often.

Now, I want to write to them. To all of them. To resign from all that I do - the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, the constant forking out. I'll carry on working, I'll honour a promise to pay for one of my DS's upcoming mini breaks with old uni friends. But that's it until they wake up.

YANBU, write to them.

Lay it all out. If you find it stressful to give exact figures of costs you are worried about then just put what you've put here. ANd just say you cannot cope anymore and need them to come up with a solution. Say it is damaging your health. Stop protecting them from the truth - you aren't helping either them or you.

Tell them the gravy train has ended. Buy the basics but tell them to buy luxuries themselves by getting a job.

BratFarrarsPony - oddly enough, Patagonia is somewhere where I'd be happy to teach! (I work in education & am learning Welsh and Spanish so it would be perfect!)

Thank you all. I can't go on letting this eat me up. Brave face on the outside ie when at work, even at the GPs and even at home. Inside, I'm weeping. It utterly sucks to be so taken for granted. I know I wouldn't feel like this if the boys pulled their weight or if, in youngest DS's case, he showed the tiniest interest in anyone else in the family. I'm so tired - part of that tiredness comes from the massive effort I made to keep everything in check - that I wonder sometimes that I'm still standing.

No, DS at home doesn't contribute at all - in fact, we have funded him all the way - the breaks to stay with his gf and, soon, a uni re-union. (That I'm happy to put down to a Christmas present but am determined not to cave in again - each trip, including spending money (he's broke - he does so little work) is at least £100.00, usually more. Always there's the promise that he'll pay back, at least in part. Never happens.)

Gourmetchild Thank you for a wealth of practical suggestions. My plan tonight is to finish my preparation for tomorrow and then set to with a plan which I won't run past the boys. I'll present to them. A family/household can't function if members don't share the load as far as they're able to.

I'll let you all know how things go - and, again, thank you.

Wow
Sorry to say but this is the result of a whole life of martyrdom. How did it get that bad for so long? Why are you paying for your adult children? Can't you see that you have made them lazy and entitled?

I mean this nicely but you have enabled this. It's not good for them (learning the realities of adulthood) and certainly not for you. Now is the time to lay down the law. Learn to say no and to stop doing everything for them.

Stop. Just stop. Carry on working by all means. But no way do you do any cooking, cleaning, planning, shopping, household admin. You're doing much more than your share. Tell them that.

If you are working full and part time then this should exclude you from house work. The son sometimes home full time and only working v part time can do lion share to make up for lack of money coming in, husband should be doing his share too while you are out at second job.

Student home from holidays should be taking turns at cooking cleaning and any jobs that need doing if he's not working either.

How much income are you supporting your two sons with? Bet you have no where near about of income to spend on yourself.

I'd stop my part time straight away, why should you work yourself into the ground so your sons don't have to work at all. That's all kind of upside down!

Okay...to be blunt...just don't do it.

My parents were very clear that once I became an adult I would pay my own way. If you must, pay for the absolute necessities. Do not pay for mini-breaks, clothing or anything like that.

They need to learn that if they want those things they have to work and earn the money for them like all the rest of us adults.

Good luck breaking free.

It's easy to let things slide into this kind of situation, IMO

It's why Shirley Valentine was such a hit (very dated now), because it really stuck a nerve (then added silly but entertaining fantasy). I still love that movie somehow.

Is your husband pulling his weight in the house in terms of cleaning, present shopping, food shopping, cooking and all that fun?

teens and young adults are good at being bloody oblivious of anyone outside of their bubble but I would be utterly ashamed if I realised I was responsible for my own mum feeling the way you do. be honest with them, set new boundaries and let them learn some important lessons

Im often......too embarrassed to tell them how low family funds are

This is really hard to understand. I get that you might want to shield little kids from money worries but I can't see any reason why you would be embarrassed to discuss your finances with your ADULT children.

BTW I'm also a bit about you wanting to discuss your ADULT sons University revision schedule. You need to shift your relationship with your children from and adult-child relationship towards an adult relationship.

Fuck writing up budgets, lists, etc. Just STOP doing it. Funding FA. I'd actually get a room in a shared house or bedsit and move out. Yes, I would. Without leaving them instructions, they're adults.

You are doing them no favours.

FUCK all his mini breaks, too, or uni reunion for Xmas.

Just knock that shit out and stop being such a doormat.

I feel for the situation you are in, but you are responsible for it. So you are the only one who can change it. Whatever advice you recieve here.

I would suggest you stop bankrolling everyone immediately. Don't pay for the mini break, say you are over stretched.. resign from the job you like least. Go on a mini break yourself. tell your sons you are going as you are concerned about your health, and leave a letter with them, with all the budgets, and all your feelings as you have described here..you need to force them to start thinking about you an stop being selfish. If this means withdrawing funds so be it.

From someone who is still, 14 years later trying to get her husband to do some housework/ shit for himself, do their future partners a favour and stop doing everything right now.

My DH has at least worked worked full time for 20 years- we have a mortgage, car etc. However he is still unable to load the bloody washing machine and has stood in front of me before now holding a can of soup asking how long does it go in the microwave for. Because he wasn't encouraged to learn these skills while he lived at home and then he moved in straight with me. And being young and foolish I allowed it to continue.

You must take time for yourself- you matter.

you're trying reason with people who are not interested at all. the only way to drive this home is stop doing all this crap for them. it's really not your responsibility. ok i can see you want to help with educational fees. but beyond that? they get a fucking job.

don't hold back the punches re. how much money you have. what are you protecting them from? you work your arse off and it's not enough. they HAVE to step up.

good luck.

if i were you i'd book a week away on your own.

So you are working part-time so that your sons don't have to work? And your DH needs to pull his finger out, too.

It's the unfairness of it, isn't it? If you were working part-time hours to pay for a trip and if your husband was doing the same, then that's fair enough. You're the only one making all this effort. You really do need to go on strike or (I'd be tempted to do this) go and get a little flat somewhere and leave them to it for a while.

Oh op you sound so low

I'm sorry, try not to take this the wrong way but only you can stop this.

This situation didn't happen over night, I know. It feels good to be wanted/needed, to be seen to be 'doing everything' all the time.

But the truth is if you didint do it all for them they are capable/ would have been much more capable of doing things for themselves.

You don't have to be this matyr. You won't get any extra credit or respect for it. Just stop.

Wow. There is no way in hell that I would be paying for adult children to go on mini breaks aka jollies with their mates or gym memberships. These are luxuries that they should be funding themselves by working around studies.
When I was at uni all my parents paid for were my text books. Food, accommodation and tuition fees were funded by my student loan and socialising/holidays/nights out were funded by having a weekend job.
If your DH is working less hours than you he should be pulling his weight around the house. Your older DS should also be helping you around the house and if he is no longer in FT education should be giving you money from his earnings towards household bills. Your younger DS should be helping around the house when at home in the holidays and also respect your household rules, eg that dinner is eaten at the table as a family.
Do not agree to fund any more holidays, sit them down ASAP and tell them if they want a mini break with friend they will need to get a job/work more hours to pay for it. Same with gym membership, if they can't afford it there are other ways to keep fit.
Also, if younger DS does not seem to be taking his degree seriously or putting his best effort into his studies I would be tempted to withdraw any financial support towards this. I'm all for helping out your kids when you can with uni if they are working hard but if they are treating it as one big party then no

All for it: my mum did this once, however, and it read like a suicide note. We all shat ourselves.

I think you know that this isn't fair or right. Is there something (guilt, habit?) that's making it hard for you to change things?

Looking from the outside, it's hard to understand why you haven't cut off funds to your sons and stopped doing anything in the house that isn't directly benefitting you.

I'd honestly ditch them. They won't learn any other way.

Fuck me, even my 5yo son does things around the house (tidies, cleans sinks, wipes tables, fills dishwasher etc). Your boys (and DH) are taking advantage of you and it is time to put your foot down. Why are you killing yourself while they laze about? No more giving your DC money on top of essentials and they need to help around the house. Your DH should be backing you up with this and make more of an effort himself.

Good luck with presenting your plan to them. I do hope they accept it with good grace and become less of a burden.

YANBU. You poor woman, you sound completely overworked and under appreciated.

Totally agree with previous posters, stop funding son that has graduated (in fact, he should be paying housekeeping and chipping in with chores).
Reduce the support for son at uni to essentials only. I would be tempted to tell uni son that he is old enough to make own decisions re: when he studies etc without your interference, but your financial support is only for one attempt at each year. If he needs to retake the year then he has to finance it himself.

I would also not be give Christmas presents like gym membership that will involve yet another ongoing financial commitment from you. If you want to give anything, give a fixed amount of money that is to go towards 1 month of membership.

Spend some money on a lovely spa day for yourself and let your kids fend for themselves if they want mini breaks and gym memberships!

YANBU.
You need to write it all down - how many hours a week you work, what household chores need doing, how much everything costs i.e. TV license, council tax, water etc.. which they may not realize are so much.
It is not unusual for teens to be a bit self absorbed so try not to take that to heart
You need to come up with a schedule - ask sons for a basic amount of keep. Even if it is just £25 a month. They need to be scheduled for chores - again it can be something basic like taking bins out/tidying lounge in the evening.
You should not be funding things like visits to GF, mini breaks, mobile etc.. My parents only ever helped out with things like books for uni, an interview outfit. So nothing luxury, just the basics. So I worked from 16 because I wanted a few nice things.
OH really needs to step up. He should find any work he can & also support you in tackling the boys.

your graduate should be handing over 90% of his part time wage to pay his bill and food at home. If he's living rent free. if he loses job he should get JSA then hand over most of that for food and bills. You don't find an adult living at home if the chose not to work or only very part time of it means you have to work two jobs on a low wage, no way.

It's different if you can afford to and choose to but it's a luxery not a right. You don't have that luxery. Stop working yourself into the ground so he can go to a bloody uni reunion! Tell him he can go when he has something to celebrate like a good job