To wonder why hardly anyone keeps the gender of their baby a surprise until the birth anymore?

[Kel1234]

First of all let me say that this is not a judgemental post at all. I know that it's a personal choice, and everyone has the right to decide if they would like to find out the sex or not.
However I truly do not understand why so many people actually want to know. People asking others to guess what they are having from the scan pictures, and people even calling the 20 week scan 'a gender scan' as though the main reason for it is finding out the sex, even though it's not. Then there is the lengths people will go to reveal it as well - these 'gender reveal parties'.
I know some of the reasons are: people don't want to wait 9 months when they don't have to, they want to decorate the nursery (my lo doesn't have a nursery because we don't want him in his own room yet), they want to know if things they have from previous children can be used for the new baby. Also because they want to get everything ready, and want to buy gender specific things before the birth.
I think it's just as easy to get neutral things before the birth, and then simply keep the money aside and then get everything else after the baby is born. (Obviously I know that not everyone will be able to do that though). But that's what I did, got neutral clothes and crib bedding, and the pram and car seat were neutral (I preferred that), then I kept the money separate and went and got the rest of the stuff afterwards.
If you want a gender specific nursery it may be more difficult to wait though.
Having a preference for a specific sex could be another reason, but even so what can you do about it? I had a very strong preference for a girl, but had a boy.
I know another reason is baby showers (personally i hate them, I never had one and would never dream of having one), but for those who do want one you can have neutral ones.
As I said I'm not one to judge anyone, but I am genuinely wondering why people are so keen to find out before instead of waiting until the birth. Surely it's much more special to be told "it's a girl/ boy" at the birth and then have your baby placed in your arms or on your chest. Rather than be told "it's a girl/ boy" during the scan and then be given a picture to go home with.
I simply couldn't imagine not waiting. I had no desire to know at all, I never considered it, even for a split second. And I was so glad I waited. Why do so many people spoil one of life's greatest surprises?

It'll be a boy or a girl, no surprise. Giving birth to a dog would be a surprise.

Personally I find it really irritating when people bang on about keeping the gender secret like other people actually care.

x post

Frenchknitting "Finally, I think that if you have even a mild preference, or a "feeling" that you are having one or the other, it is good to put that to bed before the birth, to aid with bonding."

That is SUCH a good way of putting it. I know I would get over it quickly and soon think I was daft for ever caring, and be really excited about the other gender, but giving myself time to get over myself would just really help.

I was so fucking exhausted and out of it that when DD was born, I couldn't feel a thing, and if I hadn't known she wasn't a girl it wouldn't have been one of 'life's greatest surprises', just one more thing for my addled brain to process. Whereas it was lovely being told it was a girl at the 20 week scan, so we could pick names and refer to her as 'she', not 'it'. No baby showers here, her bedroom had a green carpet cream walls and a jungle theme, and I barely bought any clothes other than white vests and gender neutral babygros.

With DS (due March), buggered if I'm going to wait until I have a newborn and toddler to start clearing out tons of girls clothes that we were given/bought - this is the second and last!! - plus I just like knowing. Is it really so hard to understand that some people just like knowing?

I really wanted a surprise but OH wanted to know so I caved. Later found out it's because his family had been saying awful things about people who don't want to find out... ("weird^ attention seekers").^

Next time I'll put my foot down!

I didn't want to know with either. We were going to keep the baby whatever sex it was.

Personally I would only want to know if there was a medical reason e.g. family condition that meant a baby of a particular sex would be at risk.

But each to his/her own.

You definitely sound judgemental. We just wanted to mentally prepare, only concentrate on one set of names etc.. it was lovely to find out on a scan.

I cringed for a work friend who didn't find out but banged on about the fact and after the birth sent a big drumroll type gender reveal email. So self absorbed no one had shown anything other than polite interest.

Oh yeah, I was convinced DD was a boy until the scan. If I'd found out she was a girl at birth when I was so addled, I actually don't think I would have believed it and would have wanted to know where my own baby was.

You have to go further out of your way to not find out than to find out anyway. Personally if there's information there I might as well take it. I didn't do anything differently when I found out - but there was no point waiting till the birth.

I found out at the scan both times. And it was still a surprise when you found out, it's just a surprise that happens a bit earlier. And finding out at the scan meant that it was a relaxed and happy moment for us, without being impacted on by the pain or difficulties of labour. With DD1 in particular by the end of labour with no pain relief (not through choice!) and shredded lady bits that had to be stitched back together I honestly don't think I could have enjoyed the moment of finding out the sex in the same way, because frankly I was too exhausted and in too much pain to really care in the same way by that point. For me knowing the sex helped me bond with the baby too.

have you only done it your way OP?

As I said earlier I've done it both ways & multiple times. Perhaps you don't have enough experience to comment.

Oh I just remembered we found out in another pregnancy too - at 12 weeks, twin pregnancy could only tell the sex of one. Both dead by 14 weeks anyway - so that's 4 we knew, 3 we didn't and other 4 pregnancies that didn't get far enough to tell anyway. As I said life's great surprise was living or not.

And the reason I am so bloody irritated with your OP is because the whole issue is so utterly unimportant - and only someone who knew very little about the complications & sadness that pregnancy & birth can bring would bang on about such a non issue. And with such remarkable lack of insight & uneducated judgement. Bah.

I didn't want to know with either. We were going to keep the baby whatever sex it was. What an odd thing to say flappys. I presume it wasn't meant how it came across.

We wanted to know so we could narrow down names. I think it helped us bond with the baby as he had a name.

The clothes we've bought and the nursery decoration is pretty gender neutral. So that didn't bother us.

Just curiosity and boredom whilst waiting?

Have you had your baby yet? I had a crash section. It wasn't baby placed on your chest and exciting reveal. I was unconscious, by DH wasn't allowed to be there and my child was whisked off to SCBU. The whole maternity ward knew the sex before us.

I think, on reflection, a special
Moment at the scan would've been nicer.

People don't think of that do they?

I didn't find out the sex with my first. When he was born I really didn't care whether he was a girl or a boy, I was just pleased it was here. Finding out the sex was not magical at all.

I found out for my second, and I thought it was lovely but it felt weird to know after a surprise first time.

i don't know why anyone would care what anyone else does.

I found out with all of mine. I didn't mind what sex the baby was, I just wanted a baby. Finding out at the scan meant I could think of the baby as 'he is she' rather than it. It was a nice moment but I wouldn't have minded not knowing until the birth - just didn't see a reason to wait. Giving birth and seeing the baby was plenty special enough. Finding out it was a boy or girl? Didn't really matter! I can't see how the moment I met my baby could have been more special.

One option isn't 'better' than the other here. Either find out, or don't find out. Entirely up to parents to choose as no one else cares or is impacted by it really. It's an odd one to be judgy over though OP. Do you begrudge those finding out at 20 weeks and being thrilled to hear they're having a boy/girl? Did you think waiting until the birth would make you less bothered by the baby's sex since you had a preference for a girl?

Groupie

No - I just meant that I couldn't really see the point of finding out early.

Love when a post starts with "I'm not being judgemental" then goes on to be the most judgemental post ever! Why do you care what other people choose to do? It's none of your business and YABU.

Just because something is right for you and makes sense to you doesn't make it right for everyone else.

I didn't find out with DS1. I had an EMCS under general anaesthetic and while I was probably told when I came round briefly in Recovery I don't remember it. When I woke up properly, several hours later I had no baby by the bed and no idea what sex they were or even if they were alive. I found out I had had a boy by reading my second medical bracelet, which stated- 'Baby Boy Robin' with the time and date of delivery. By this time, the entire family knew and most of our friends- I was the last to know my own child's sex.

I was determined to be the first (well, join first with DH) to find out with DS2 so we asked at the 20 week scan. It was still a surprise, just one that came a little earlier than the baby himself.

I didn't want to know really but I am a sonographer so I accidentally found out both times as I had a few scans and I know what I am looking for.
I disintegrated tell anyone else. First we said we didn't know. Second we said we knew but we're keeping t a surprise. This is because I think it's more fun to announce the sex at birth.
But actually I loved knowing. It was our little secret. It helped me bond and visualise the baby as a person and I also snapped up a few clothes in the sales for the summer after the baby was born which was helpful.

I didn't want to know with either. We were going to keep the baby whatever sex it was.

Oh shit, I forgot to get rid of my child because he has a penis. I forgot to give a shit about what was between his legs.