Dick moves your pets have made

[MyPuppyIsADick]

I know I'm probably BU to start a thread inspired by HardLightHologram's thread but it's too well timed not to.

Last night my 9 month old pup busted out of the bedroom in the middle of the night and went on a rampage. Woke up at 6am to find a hole in one of the couch cushions, a cushion that was a wedding gift with all the stuffing torn out it, chewed woodwork at the top of the stairs and THREE(!) shits dotted about the place. Including one on the new hall carpet. And she ate a sponge that was left out in the bathroom

She's fine by the way, I was worried she'd eaten foam but she seems to have just trailed it around the whole fucking upstairs.

Fast forward 14 hours and I'm just about over it. Does anyone else have any stories of their pets being dicks to make me feel better about my own shit literally morning?

Oh and she also ate a whole box of gravy granules just for giggles then needed her water bowl refilling about four times as she tried to get the right gravy consistency in her belly.

I just made a thread about my dick ish dog pissing on my bed.

Lying like this in bed cuddle-hogging a sleeping DH, while I at 7 months pregnant shiver on the edge.

These are hilarious.

Dearly departed BearCat used to hump the sofa cushions, but continually holding eye contact

And pee in the bath.

My favourite dog dick move was my terrier eating the chocolates off the Christmas tree yet somehow leaving the foil hanging. Was a few years ago now.

Same dog once escaped by jumping on a dining table, through a small, high window then scrabbling over a fence. Gave me a heart attack trying to find her and she was merrily swimming in a nearby pond

Latest dick move (she's old now) - running full speed into my room, jumping on my windowsill, head butting the glass and oulling down my curtain This was last week.

DDog2 is generally ok but years ago decided to swim in the sea, got scared and climbed scrambled and scratched up my body and onto my shoulder. That bloody hurt (I was bleeding) and had to get him back to the beach. And before anyone feels sorry for him, I sat on the beach and 5 seconds later DH had to go and get him again as he did the exact same thing to BIL So 2 dick moves in less than 5 minutes

I've posted this on here before. My Smart Cat did not like the new policy of small regular feedings owing to greedy Ginger interloper who ate everyone's food and vomited it straight back up. So, she got into the hallway cupboard where the good was kept in a plastic box and pulled it out.

Knocking over a full can of pink chalk paint on the shelf below. I came home to find the food tub next to a pile of paint, 4 sets of paw prints everywhere, one tail trail of pink paint, lost two towels and my favourite jeans.

I cried when I saw the mess. It took hours to clean the floor, bedding and the 4 fucking cats. Including the long hair ginger one who had random bald patches for months.

Dog 2 decided to shit on the floor while I was holding my newborn. I started to shout at the dog and she turned around, panicked and ate it. Then threw it all up on the floor shit sick is soo wrong on many levels.*

Super funny!

Left my 2 dogs in the car whilst running into supermarket for a quick few bits only to come out and realise my car wasn't where i had parked itto realise it was across the parking lot wedged against another car one of my dogs at the time was a puppy and chewed the handbrake and left it down car rolled across the car lot couldn't imagine people's reaction if anyone saw these 2 happy chappies jumping around in the car whilst it was rolling. Needless to say real dick move from my dogsThis is the culprit who chewed the handbrake he's all grown up now

My cat caught himself a nasty bite on the bum when he sat on the top of hamster cage - not ever so sure the vet believed the explanation!

My 1st cat ran through a paint tray of gloss paint then up the stairs.

He also pissed in the sugar bowl.

Cat 2 walked on a newly baked lemon meringue / piped cream desert minutes before it was going to be served.

cat 3 and 4 have only just been allowed outside. 1st time and cat 4 went 40 foot to the top of a tree after a baby magpie and got mobbed by the parents.

Alas my dogs are also dicks.

Dog1 in her infancy broke into our bedroom and proceeded to eat the middle out of our memory foam mattress.

Also likes to slide face first in the shittiest of puddles.

Dog2 took a shine to a roll of sellotape, ate it and spent the next day depositing shitty taglietelle everywhere.

Stole a string of sausages and nearly choked to death on them. Was given doggy Heimlich which dislodged said sausages enough for them to be inhaled into stomach instead of lungs. Give me sausages or give me death!

Jesus whooo I'm crying with laughter

Obvi the Zebra Cats are fluffy little bundles of awesomeness & joy, but their quest for world domination does have some down sides.

When they were tiny kittens we had to start locking their food away because in swift succession they managed to open the box their pouches were stored in & to master opening cupboards.
This year they figured out opening the fridge & the kitchen drawers. We now have to lock our fridge to stop the cats getting at things they shouldn't.
They steal human!food whenever they get the chance. Biscuits, crisps, cereal bars, cake, a snuffle at soya yoghurt or ice-cream, marmite &/or vegan"ham" sandwiches... and they leave crumbs. Quite often black!cat will just eat the wrapper as well...
Blond!cat, as a wee kitten, once stole a marble cake about the same size as him out of a shopping bag, hefted it up the stairs, and was happily "killing" it on the threshold of my room when I got up there. He looked so proud it was hard to tell him off...
Black!cat has the most incredibly piercing yowl that he can keep going for actual hours. I assume it's how they plan to subdue the population in their New World Order. Honest to God it is an unholy noise if ever I heard one.
Last summer when the Nutricia nurses finally showed up to do their home visit after I had my NJ tube put in, black!cat, who normally just hides from visitors, was apparently convinced I needed defending from them. And shot into the sitting room, yowling the Doom Yowl, all wild-eyed & panicked. Swiftly followed by blond!cat, who is a bit shy, but usually willing to make friends. Black!cat's utter panic convinced blond!cat these strangers must, in fact, be Highly Suspect, so he started trying to stare them down. Senior Nurse wasn't used to cats & was utterly unnerved; Junior Nurse was delighted by fact I apparently have attack cats. Well, more defence cats. A bit less delighted by the crescendoing yowling as she struggled to aspirate my tube, mind you - black!cat was literally bouncing off the walls at this stage, convinced they were hurting me...
On subject of my NJ tube, I had to get most of my feed stored at the dietitians' office. Because the Zebra!Cats, chomping away at the cardboard, as is their wont, chomped into a pack of soya+ feed & decided it was delicious. Bad enough having a mountain of boxes of feed clarting up your hall. So SO much worse having to try to stop your cats from helping themselves to it during the night!
They think plastic bags/packaging = some sort of delicacy. Sometimes bits of them get coughed/vomited back up. More usually they reappear from the other end.
They know they are not allowed to wash my hair or face. They sneakily [try to] do so when I'm too deeply asleep to wake, which only really happens when I'm extra!ill or exhausted. This led to blond!cat happily bouncing onto my bed a couple of weeks ago, seemingly with some poo on his fur. But then he moved & the poo moved & it became evident we were in a kind of kite string of shite situation - one my fluffy little reprobate was not keen on helping me to end, apparently thinking I wanted to play tag...
They have serious form for stealing my watch, Freedom Pass & keys when I'm getting ready to go out. It should be noted that they do not think I should leave the house ever & they associate my gathering said items with preparing to leave.

Blond!cat likes to play fetch & will get the information sheets out of empty medication boxes in my bedroom recycling to do so. Fine. Not cool to go rootling through my tampon box & then leaving that insert in on the doormat. On the day my DF called round. He'd generally be on for a game of fetch, but...

• Neither of my cats scratches on purpose. I've got scars from both of them all the same (partly because I have issues with wound healing + scarring, tbf) - things like flying over me without retracting claws in their excitement, fr'ex. (And then doing the yowly-distressed-panicked!meyowl the whole time I'm cleaning myself up.)

Throwing up anywhere other than the kitchen or bathroom.
Either cat, when their brother is sleeping peacefully, deciding to jump on them & biff them/playbite/otherwise startle+annoy them.
Climbing on my bedside table & knocking things off. They know they're not allowed but always seem surprised to get in trouble...
Prowling round the house bashing things about & running to tell me about it & demanding their brother join them on patrol. No. It is sleeptime. Go to sleep! Shh!
Black!cat growling so ferociously at his tea that it scares blond!cat away from his meal.
Black!cat picking up big bits of food from his bowl & running off with it to eat elsewhere. So I have to clean the carpet...
I could swear they actually divide up my clothing so blond!cat sheds on the dark things & black!cat on the light
Blond!cat not infrequently goes charging round the house wearing one of my leotards like a superhero cape, having got tangled in it while schnoozling around the airer.

I adore my Zebra!Cats, they bring me great joy & genuinely brighten my life. But they have a quite remarkable capability for mischief...

My dog is the biggest dick ever.

I had DD's friend over. DD's friend ended up vomiting all over herself.

I go to clean up DD's friend and my asshole dog decided that the puke on DD's friend was delicious and jumped up on the poor sick child to lick it off her.

I was so angry, embarrassed, grossed out, and amused.

This will so out me to people I know in RL, I went out 1 day and got back about half an hour later than I expected DDog in protest of my tardiness took a giant shit on my bed, never done it before or since but I'm aware as to who sets the agenda in my life lol

Not my dog but the lady who does my nails had a beautiful little pup.
She also does eye brows waxing and left a melted wax tub on the kitchen side to cool while she went out.
They returned to their little pup stuck in the wax pot back legs and tail totally glued together with the wax vets honestly had no advice poor pup had clumps of wax stuck to it for weeks. God knows how he got on the kitchen side.
That was a dick move but he was cute enough to get away with it

Dick head male cat knocked over the poop scoop that's next to his litter tray and shat all over the handle! I mean why the fucking handle for God's sake!

Family cat once pooed in the dog's bed. DM couldn't understand why dog wouldn't get into his much loved bed and was staring at it and crying.

Cat had his litter tray only a few feet away. He knew exactly what he was doing.

I was standing chatting to a fellow dog walker one day, and I forgot to be fussing the old lab's head whilst doing so bad human. He decided he needed to pee. Where does he cock his leg? On me. The bloke I was talking to didn't know whether to laugh or not,until I bust out laughing.

My dearly departed old boy was getting a bit narky once with OldGirl. She was generally being a pain. So, whilst she was shitting, he cocked his leg on her head. Unfortunately she was also a bath refuser so was running around the garden trying to avoid us, whilst trying to restore her back to being white, not yellow.

Same boy dog was also really well behaved, never begged for food, never stole food, he was awesome. Until one day, DH put his bacon muffin on the table and went to get some sauce from the fridge. We heard the scraping of a chair, and the dog had his teeth around the bit of bacon hanging over the edge (lips curled back, just pulling the bacon out with his teeth). It was a proper comedy moment -we turned round, dog froze, teeth still on the bacon. He looked at us, DH said stop, and you could almost see the thought process of 'fuck it, I'm in trouble anyway) and he nicked the bacon and scarpered as quickly as he could, as far away as he could, and sat under the upstairs spare bed eating his bacon. Totally a sorry, not sorry moment.

YoungGirl had a season not long after we adopted her. After some advice, in order not to end up with blood drips all over the house, we put a pair of DHs boxers on her. She disapproved greatly, so mustered all the effort she could, and shat in her pants.

OldGirl eating the dog bed and farting out bean bag beans for days was also awesomely dickish, but hilarious.

The lab's effort this morning was not so wonderful. A 45 minute walkers brfore work and he wouldn't shit. I had no more time so went back to the house and he does his great big steaming turd in front of the back door, on the paved bit.

I love all my dickdogs.

Where to begin.

Well cats are lactose intolerant, I left a cheesecake out, the cat left the biscuit base - you can imagine the rest.

Then there is Bastard Cat - he is not mine, he has a home, he lets himself in to my house if thre is a window open and helps himself to my cat's food, then goes to sleep on the sofa - I find him in the morning.

Yesterday I heard a strange noise outside the front of my house - opened the door to Bastard Cat - who wanted to come in, because now it is cold I am keeping the windows closed.

The golden retriever with the birthday cake - well do I need to say any more?

The chinchillas eating through wires and trying to steal my watch. And their poo - if you have ever had a chinny then you know their poo gets everywhere.

Oh and learning to unfasten their cage and chase the cat in the night, ever been woken up by the sound of a cat being chased by a chinchilla? Thought not.

Every dog down our street tries to befriend Foscat.
Every dog down our street has a scar on its nose thanks to Foscat......

Just last night I was enjoying my secret Santa present of a Lush bath bomb.

Minding my own business, when BAM. Terrier comes flying into the bathroom and leaps into the bath.

I then had to get out of my bath and drain it, and then give her a bath with her special shampoo (she has very sensitive skin and the bath bomb would have irritated it). This was all at 10pm, which is not a time I would choose to bath a dog (who then proceeds to go totally batshit for half an hour out of excitement).

Dick

Mardassnails your description of the bacon muffin event has really tickled me

Mine wrecks the kitchen every single night she likes to pull the dirty washing out the basket and also pull the clean clothes out the tumble dryer , she's also taken a right liking to my bras I started off with 10 I'm now down to 2! lucky I love her or she'd have been strangled before now