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Original poster

Dick moves your pets have made

303 replies

MyPuppyIsADick · 12/12/2016 21:35

I know I'm probably BU to start a thread inspired by HardLightHologram's thread but it's too well timed not to.

Last night my 9 month old pup busted out of the bedroom in the middle of the night and went on a rampage. Woke up at 6am to find a hole in one of the couch cushions, a cushion that was a wedding gift with all the stuffing torn out it, chewed woodwork at the top of the stairs and THREE(!) shits dotted about the place. Including one on the new hall carpet. And she ate a sponge that was left out in the bathroom Hmm

She's fine by the way, I was worried she'd eaten foam but she seems to have just trailed it around the whole fucking upstairs.

Fast forward 14 hours and I'm just about over it. Does anyone else have any stories of their pets being dicks to make me feel better about my own shit literally morning?

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StarsandSparkles · 12/12/2016 22:02

A couple of years ago i went to my mum and dads. Let my dog off at the top of the hill and thought he would run to the door and wait like he usually does... no he jumped up and opened the door and ran into the kitchen and took the gammon joint my mum had just made 😂 my mum went mental and its the only time ive heard her swear yet lol. Funniest bit of it was my dad saying its alright stars i didnt want gammon tonight anyway Xmas Grin

BlueBlueSkies · 12/12/2016 22:02

My cats were rustling around at the side of the bed in the middle of the night. Turned the light on, they had brought a live frog in and brought it through the house and upstairs for me. They were furious when DH put it outside.

Came down one morning, the cats did not immediately ask for food, they were sleeping soundly. Opened the fridge and they had taken out all the sausages, lamb chops and chicken breasts and eaten them all. Did not have to feed them all day. Put a child lock on the fridge.

DH woke on morning to find one of the cats pissing on him.

I loved my cats.

juneybean · 12/12/2016 22:03

I was totally waiting for this thread as don't have kids so couldn't reply.

But the dog!!! He steals everything he can find usually socks.

Yesterday I was late for work and I called him up to go in his cage and he sat at the bottom of the stairs laughing at me so I had to chase him around the downstairs before carrying him upstairs like a baby.

The other week I was getting ready for work and he knew the cage was coming (he bloody loves his cage any other time) and I asked if he was going in and he looked away from me as if to say "I can't hear you".

StarsandSparkles · 12/12/2016 22:04

whooo sorry but i am crying laughing at the vision of the socks final journey 😂😂

SaucyJack · 12/12/2016 22:06

No dick moves. Ever. SaucyCat is wonderful.

YelloDraw · 12/12/2016 22:06

Kitty Cat came to see me when I was ill. Came into my room, chirruped a little bit. Jumped onto my bed. Dropped a dead squirrel on my chest.

Thanks Kitty

HanShootsFirst · 12/12/2016 22:07

My late beloved spaniel taught himself to open the trash. Rearranged the kitchen to put trash inside a cabinet. Yep, he figured out how to open the cabinet. Two kids and I had to use a child latch because of the dog.

The bigest dick move though was when one of my kids left the stepstool in front of the kitchen counter. There was bread on the counter (he was a carb addict like me) and he stole it. Unfortunately on his way to steal it he walked across the gas hob and TURNED IT ON. I walked into the kitchen, realized what had happened and what the smell was, and dragged my children and the dogs out of the house while calling the gas company. Kids were playing dressup and were half naked, traumatized for weeks.

After that babysitters were always confused why there were no knobs to turn on our hob. We had taken them off and stashed them in the drawer because of the dog!!

Crunchymum · 12/12/2016 22:07

My cat and the neighours cat tag teamed me (I went out to get my cat in) and it resulted in me having a weeks worth of antibiotics 2 types, 7 pills per day and 4 had to be on an empty stomach oh and I had to have a tetanus - which I had to pay for as my GP surgery didn't have it in stock!!

Same cat jumped off our 40ft balcony, went awol for 36h and when I found her, she had a leg injury which cost me £600!! Thankfully she is insured.

Oreocrumbs · 12/12/2016 22:08

I have so many.

Today, the Amazon man showed me the injuries to his hand caused by my cat. Said cat, when questioned, strutted away giving absolutely no shits. (Amazon man was very good about it and accepted my profuse apologies)

Previous highlights include a dog that ate £20 notes.... a lot of them.

Possibly the same dog but not sure.... who ate a friend's passport the night before they were travelling .....

No idea which beasts in particular but I have lost several expensive leather country/riding boots.

One highlight was many years ago, when my dad died and I moved his dog in with me and my dog.......

I went to work and came home to find 2 very unresponsive and sluggish labradors. They could hardly stand up. I was panic stricken. Convinced that someone had posted poison through the door and they were dying (I'm not adverse to over dramatics)......

Ahem, further inspection revealed they had busted into the other room and eaten an entire sack of dog food between them. Which was probably at least a months worth of food each.

I can not even begin to tell you how many piles of poo I cleaned up in the next 24/48 hours Hmm

And we don't talk about the spaniel that broke my step dad's back Shock

Crunchymum · 12/12/2016 22:09

The rascal in question

Dick moves your pets have made
ifyoulikepinacolada · 12/12/2016 22:10

DickCat learned to open doors and lets DickDog out of the kitchen when she's bored at 2am.

Ddog once ate a packet of false eyelashes. Including the mini tube of glue.

Dcat's favourite toys are raw eggs. She bats them round the house. Till they crack and then she throws a strop.

Ddog whines, loudly, whenever DP and I have sex. Even though the kitchen - where we put her - is not in any way close to our bedroom. It's incredibly offputting.

OccultGnuAsWell · 12/12/2016 22:11

Needed early start for a long drive to holiday destination. Everything planned to military levels of precision.

5.30am - walk Gnudog. Kept Gnudog on lead to prevent him absconding/eating random crap/derailing tightly planned schedule.

Gnudog duly has morning dump but for a change on top of a low shrub. He then crawled through the shrub smearing himself in his own crap.

Military precision timing abandoned. Half an hour in the shower to clean him off. Due to delay we then hit a three hour traffic jam en route to holiday destination.

Dick move Gnudog

whippetwoman · 12/12/2016 22:14

My whippet has done so many things I could write a novel. He is able to reach onto surfaces and drag things of. Recently he has taken an advent calendar but couldn't get into it properly and a box of eggs.

In the past he has also (and I do take some responsibility for this):
Run into a game of football
Run into a game of cricket
Run away to a pub bbq
Raided a picnic and caused instant devastation
Picked up a golf ball on a golf course which was just about to be struck and run away with it
Raided curry leftovers which then caused...well, you can imagine and it was everywhere
Chewed the eyes from the kids stuffed toys

I could go on.

DierdrePewtey · 12/12/2016 22:15

CatBastard brought in a live squirrel. Which then ran all round the house spewing shit and blood everywhere. Finally ran head first into the printer and got stuck. Had to yank the poor bastard out by its back legs.

MissingSilence · 12/12/2016 22:15

I have three birds - one is a parrot called Eccles, and the other two are budgies called Kenco and Rosy. For what it's worth Eccles and Kenco can both talk.

So, I come home and there's seed, human food, cardboard and shit all over the kitchen floor by Eccles' cage. I started to sweep it up, and this conversation ensues:

Me: "Who did this!? Who made all this mess?"

Eccles: "Hmm??"

Me: "Who made this mess??"

Eccles: "Who is it...?"

Me: "Yes! Who made the mess!?"

Eccles: (with great confidence) Kenco!!!

:D

Eccles other little annoyance is - "Want dinner. Dinner??? Want dinner!!!" So I'll ask him what he wants, usually suggesting some lovely fruit and vegetables, and he will reliably respond with a very hopeful: "Cake?"

He's a dick of the highest order.

Fcukthetww · 12/12/2016 22:18

I waited quite some time for DD's first passport. It's duly posted through the letterbox and promptly eaten by the dog. I order a reissue of the passport and pick it up by hand....the damn dog steals the new passport out of my handbag and eats that too. I haven't replaced the thing yet. Dog was unrepentant and still eats odd things.

Whitelisbon · 12/12/2016 22:18

Old grumpy cat used to catch and eat half mice, bringing me the rear end that she didn't want. Woke up one night to a present on my pillow, of half a pregnant mouse, so I had tail, rear end, and babies hanging out. She was ever so proud of herself that night.

The ginger twat is possibly the most stupid cat ever known, a couple of years ago he got his whiskers in the way of the scissors when I was wrapping Christmas presents, so spent weeks being lopsided and getting stuck in things. Good job he's a house cat.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 12/12/2016 22:21

I recall one christmas aday when I still lived at home. Turkey had just been placed on the table for carving. That was the moment for mum's late beloved cat to decide he was going to get some too.

So there's the cat frantically trying to climb upon the table to reach the turkey while mum and dad are equally frantically trying to catch him to get him out the room. While DB and I are on the sidelines laughing our heads off. They were all going round and round, it was pure slapstick.

1mouse2 · 12/12/2016 22:21

Not mine but dms' staffy once chewed through a gas pipe! It was bonfire night and he had wedged himself behind the never used wood burner style fire in the kitchen and chomped on the pipe. Dm and dsf came home to a house full of gas. Engineer couldn't believe it and took half of the pipe to show to his work mates.

Same dog got in to the fridge and chewed through all the electrics inside, somehow managing not to electrocute himself!

How he died of old age I'll never know

coxsorangepippin · 12/12/2016 22:28

Kitty Pippin opened the freezer and left everything to defrost. Twice. We put a child lock on.

BusterTheBulldog · 12/12/2016 22:28

I have horses. If I do not get out of the car in what they deem an acceptable time frame horse 1 will hurl himself into the mud and start to roll.

Horse 2 nudged me just enough to send me off balance and my bum into the electric fence yesterday. She however had took a sensible step back to avoid a shock.

AddictedtoGreys · 12/12/2016 22:28

My dog is an absolute dick.

He barks extremely high pitched if me and DH dare to talk to each other if one of us is in the kitchen the other the living room (the rooms are next to each other).

He attacks the post as it comes through the letterbox.

Walks so close behind you he actually steps on the backs of your feet.

Barks very loudly for AGES if someone walks past the front of our house and he sees them through the glass in the door Angry

Hits you with his paw when you are sat on the sofa demanding attention.

I could go on...

Lookinatu · 12/12/2016 22:29

Dog 2 decided to shit on the floor while I was holding my newborn. I started to shout at the dog and she turned around, panicked and ate it. Then threw it all up on the floor shit sick is soo wrong on many levels.

ohmygodyouguys · 12/12/2016 22:35

Tame compared to some of these stories but the dog rolling in a muddy puddle not three hours after coming back from the groomers was just ungrateful!

DairyingLass · 12/12/2016 22:37

This thread should go in classics, it's got me in stitches Grin

It's also made me realise that there are actually far more dickish cats than mine around, something I didn't think possible until now !