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Original poster

Dick moves your pets have made

303 replies

MyPuppyIsADick · 12/12/2016 21:35

I know I'm probably BU to start a thread inspired by HardLightHologram's thread but it's too well timed not to.

Last night my 9 month old pup busted out of the bedroom in the middle of the night and went on a rampage. Woke up at 6am to find a hole in one of the couch cushions, a cushion that was a wedding gift with all the stuffing torn out it, chewed woodwork at the top of the stairs and THREE(!) shits dotted about the place. Including one on the new hall carpet. And she ate a sponge that was left out in the bathroom Hmm

She's fine by the way, I was worried she'd eaten foam but she seems to have just trailed it around the whole fucking upstairs.

Fast forward 14 hours and I'm just about over it. Does anyone else have any stories of their pets being dicks to make me feel better about my own shit literally morning?

OP posts:
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OnceUponATimeInWonderland · 12/12/2016 22:38

One of my dogs has a talent for realising when the bathroom door isn't quite shut properly (latch rather than handle door) and waits for me to run a full bath, get in and relax with my book before deciding he too needs a bath. So he sneaks in and jumps in. In utter silence so I have no idea until there is a dog in my bath. Then he panics because it's a lot hotter and deeper than he has his. So uses me to pull himself out. Not in the slightest bit amusing at the time but hilarious story afterwards.

Other dog likes to wait for the cat to kill a mouse (farm cat) then chases her off and EATS them. And comes inside with just the tail hanging out his mouth Angry

PeachBellini123 · 12/12/2016 22:40

Family dog ate my birthday cake when I was 10. Lots and lots of tears.

gettingtherequickly · 12/12/2016 22:42

My dog has opened all the carefully wrapped Christmas presents and chewed most of them, he is a dick!

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 12/12/2016 22:44

My dog ate the contents of the kitchen bin and proceeded to have diarrhoea from tell the day after we put our house up for sale!!

PlymouthMaid1 · 12/12/2016 22:48

This week a!one our resident furry dick has shat on hs own ball, cut his paw and bled every six inches through the hall and living room and refused to come back in the park so oh had to chase him for an hour. Dick dog is now gazing at invisible things on the wall with the occasional leap at the TV if he sees an animal.

Inolongercare · 12/12/2016 22:51

DDog 1 has spent her entire life going from one scrape to another. We regularly exceed her £4000 a year insurance limit.
Yesterday she ran off and jumped into a stagnant stinking pond which had a silty, muddy, swampy bottom and was completely stuck up to her belly and panicking. I had to tie DDog 2 to a tree and wade in up to my knees to get her out. My feet were getting sucked in and stuck so I fell up to my thighs twice, then as I heaved her to the banking backwards she plopped out and I landed on my bum. We walked home dripping in smelly pond water and thick black mud. I stripped to my knickers in the garden but it still took me an hour to clean me, her and the kitchen.

Skooblies1 · 12/12/2016 22:53

Oh god **WhooooAmI24601 I have just pissed myself laughing. Dh in bed reading looking at me in utter disgust.

TheWayYouLookTonight · 12/12/2016 22:56

Yesterday my cat went outside all day as is normal (no cat flap), then when he came indoors at dusk he rushed straight into his litter tray and did a massive stinky crap. Little sod clearly held it in all day rather than go outside Angry the damn tray is only meant to be for when he can't hold on indoors all night!

Inolongercare · 12/12/2016 22:56

I could actually write a book with our pet exploits. We never get normal animals, our current two dogs and two cats all have ridiculous behavioural issues. My DD gets totally exasperated and says 'it's like living in a badly run zoo'

Skooblies1 · 12/12/2016 22:58

My dick of a dog has the brains of a peanut but knows that if she ever has to be sick she can only do it upstairs on carpet or on the soft furnishings. Never ever on the wooden floor where I can clean it up properly. She's bloody cute though...

Dick moves your pets have made
1mouse2 · 12/12/2016 23:02

Dms dog again.

Sat around the dining table ddogs were very quiet, when we looked under the table they had my purse and were happily shredding the notes from inside! Thankfully I was able to reassemble enough to exchange most of them at the bank.

drinkingchanelno5 · 12/12/2016 23:08

Bastard dog rolls in fox shit any chance he gets. The low point of our relationship was when he rolled in rotting seagull on the beach and then had to be driven home in the car while we all retched and he sat there looking pleased as punch with himself. He's such a fuckwit but I love him.

Inolongercare · 12/12/2016 23:10

This thread is hilarious. DDog 2 had a habit of eating knickers whenever she got the chance. They usually came out the other end ok but I'll never forget the day my friend came for a lovely autumnal dog walk with us and I ended up crouched over DDogs backside 'delivering' a shit covered pair that she couldn't get out. Dog-free friend was appalled.

Inolongercare · 12/12/2016 23:16

Oh and the lovely summer walk on the beach where your heart sinks as DDog 1 breaks into a run towards people fishing off a rock. Head in bucket, large fish in mouth, running back to us triumphantly whilst small crying boy is comforted by his father because it took him hours to catch it.

Lightheartedindeed · 12/12/2016 23:17

Agree with lass. Good shout for classics. Has also made me realise my ddog is not that much of a dick Grin

She is not happy that I posted about her peeling on my new carpet though

Dick moves your pets have made
Lightheartedindeed · 12/12/2016 23:17

*peeing Blush

PlymouthMaid1 · 12/12/2016 23:21

My spaniel would raid the washng pile and run around the house with my daughters undies on his head like queen Victoria. He also stole a whole box of meatballs defrosting for dinner, scoffed the lot and then glared at me all night because I didn't get his dinner too. He was known as Asbo dog in the park as he stole all the balls and we could never catch him. I miss him a lot.

Mommawoo · 12/12/2016 23:30

Our labrador will seek out socks ,underwear and baby clothes and swallow them whole. He will then loudly throw them back up several days later along with foul smelling stomach juices. If we are not quick enough to retrieve the regurgitated item he will immediately swallow it again and the cycle continues...

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 12/12/2016 23:35

Dog 1 ate through a brand new leather hand bag to get to a mini mars bar.

Dog 2 ate a feather duster, a pack of tampons, a box of paxo and a ripped apart a gift box of loose tea then pissed on it so our carpet had a tea/piss stain for ages. This was on the same day. Oh, and he locked himself in my bedroom and in worry he shat in my OH's new sheepskin slippers. He was alone for the time it took me to drive to the chip shop.

He also ate a whole jar of grainy mustard that I'd left out by mistake. It was coming out of his arse like silly string.

TheCakes · 12/12/2016 23:37

I had a party on Saturday night for my birthday. The cat stole the canapes and puked in the bath.
There's always one ....

Deucebumps · 12/12/2016 23:42

Rabbit 1 likes to hide teaspoons under his hutch.

Rabbit 2 has an obsession with plastic packets. He likes the crinkly noise I think.

Despite having constant access to hay, if breakfast nuggets haven't appeared by 8am the thumping starts - apparently the humans don't deserve a lie in on weekends!

That said they're both currently flopped out 'watching' TV with me, looking adorable. All is forgiven....

AhCheeses · 12/12/2016 23:43

Our idiot lab stole and ate a whole homemade Christmas cake, laced with a huge amount of alcohol and fruit while visiting someone else's house. She walked home stopping frequently to puke and then collapsed, shaking, on the kitchen floor.
She had to visit the vets and they gave her drugs to make her puke it all up because of the raisins.
She had the biggest hangover for the next couple of days.
Everyone's got a story about their first under age drinking experience though, haven't they!?
She's a buffoon.
Loves a nice dive through a swamp. She moves like a fat brown dolphin that's mated with a swamp monster and refuses to get out until she's gone from one end right to the other.
Also a huge fan of fox shit. Less of a fan of being scrubbed in the garden afterwards and will happily play 'catch me' around the garden the second she sees the water.

Patriciathestripper1 · 12/12/2016 23:46

I used to have a basement flat that I shared with my Rottweiler puppy.
I saved for ages for a beautiful Frank Usher beaded dress and jacket (well it was the 80'sWink) and I'd laid it out over my settee before I'd left for work, as I was going to a Swankey doo later that evening.
My neighbour went into my flat at lunchtime to feed and walk my puppy but she mustn't have shut the kitchen door properly when leaving. When I opened my flat door at 5.30 I thought "what are those sparkly things on the stairs"??
My puppy had shredded my dream dress and it now lay in tatters all over my flat sob! I'll never forget that dress 😭

roseteapot101 · 12/12/2016 23:46

i annoyed my Siamese so he bit my leg

Mommawoo · 12/12/2016 23:46

Years ago I had two staffies that would find an enormous tree branch and grab one end each and charge around the woods playing tug of war.

One time I was walking ahead of them and heard them thundering up behind me. I turned just in time to see them running full speed towards me holding a tree branch between them which they smashed into the back of my legs and sent me into an almost perfect 360 degree flip. Dicks.