not to be involved with SIL schemes to sack my cleaner?

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SIL and I share a cleaner. The cleaner has been coming to me for about 18 months and I recommended her to SIL shortly after. I've never discussed SIL with the cleaner.

We have completely different relationships with the cleaner: SIL has been chummy with her while I work fulltime so barely ever see her. My DH and DC do, and they like her.

The cleaner is quite flakey (says she'll come on a Monday and you don't see her til Wednesday, etc) but this is fine by us because we really just need the hours of work done - doesn't make a huge difference when. She has a key to the house and I trust her.

For whatever reason, the cleaner's just decided not to go back to SIL. The cleaner didn't tell SIL, she just gradually stopped going round. She still comes to us though. SIL thinks the cleaner stole from her. SIL is totally bemused as to why cleaner stopped coming.

SIL wants to get her key back from the cleaner and to 'get closure'. She wants DH to tip her off the next time cleaner comes to us so SIL can come over and get her key back and speak to cleaner. We absolutely do not want to do this. Cleaner seems honest and we don't want her to come to us and worry she'll have to see SIL.

DH said No, we don't want to get involved. SIL gone bonkers and said we aren't supporting her and we are involved as we recommended the cleaner. Who is BU?

Great so now no one is agreeing with you, you start dripfeeding.

Ffs just ask for the key back and stop being obtuse.

TBH asking the cleaner for the key which doesnt belong to her, which in effect she has stolen, isnt getting involved. Its doing your sil a favour as the cleaner is too unprofessional to do so herself.

If I had to pussy foot around someone I employed and they turned up 48hrs late on a regular basis I wouldnt care how good at cleaning they were, they would be gone. Its taking the mick.

What dripfeeding?! The stealing is in my OP!

I said the cleaner needs gentle handling further up and someone asked me to elaborate.

You do have a moral obligation to get involved because you recommended the cleaner in the first place even though you know she is a bit odd.

I do understand that you don't want to set her up with an ambush but I agree with all previous posters that you should help your SIL get her key back.

SIL being a bit intense might be why she dropped her (rudely) but if this lady can bring herself to work in other people's homes she could surely manage to shove the key through the letterbox...

Anyway, you're clearly determined to not see SILs POV on this so fine, don't help her. And hopefully you won't be posting on MN months from now complaining about your cleaner!

Oh more to the story.

But it makes no odds the key belongs to sil and she should give it back.

Cleaner is recovering victim of serious domestic abuse (hospitalised, nearly killed) some years ago.

This is very sad, but totally irrelevant to the issue of returning SiL's keys to her.

If anything, one would think a DV survivor would be very atuned to another person's need to feel safe in their own home. And not be skelping around with her ex employers house keys and refusing to return them.

cleaner just needed absolute minimum stress

Asking for one's house keys to be returned is not a stressful event.

Ok, well, that's awful.

But I'm assuming this cleaner is running her own (small) business? She's not going to keep many clients if she keeps acting this way, and she may fall foul of someone who's willing to take matters to the police if she carries on disappearing with peoples' house keys.

You're doing her no favours.

But the request for the key is surely asking me to have the confrontation, or SIL would just text her and ask for the key back?

What dripfeeding?! The stealing is in my OP!

You didn't say SiL had accused her in the OP. Just that she suspected her.

I get what you mean - if the cleaner is so untrustworthy, then returning the keys won't help as she could have had copies cut. If the issue isn't her untrustworthiness then there is no need to be so insistent about the keys.

However, much as I can understand your lack of desire to get involved, I can sympathise with your SIL - could you suggest a compromise whereby you ask the cleaner if she could bring the keys to your house and you hand over?

or SIL would just text her and ask for the key back?

Isn't that what you said SiL has already been doing? And getting ghosted by cleaner?

But she has texted her. You're the next logical step really.

Especially if she needs 'gentle handling' - maybe it's best it is you, and not SIL who is 'intense'?

Oh, sorry, SIL accused cleaner to DH. I don't know if SIL has said anything to cleaner herself.

DH v unimpressed about the stealing thing. SIL is quite disorganised (Part of her charm, generally, before you accuse me of slating SIL.)

You've said SIL already did text her!

You've also said SIL is lovely and nice etc so how confrontational do you expect she'd be? Doesn't sound like she's looking for a cat fight eastenders style!

So your SIL thinks the cleaner may have stolen from her, the cleaner then stops turning up, won't answer her phone/texts to your SIL and hasn't returned their house key .... I'm not a suspicious person but it's not looking like the cleaner is entirely innocent, even if she is she is acting oddly.

I also don't understand why you are prioritising keeping a "sensitive" cleaner over helping your SIL. Why would you not ask her for your SIL's key? Regardless of the security issue of having random people with keys to her house, the key is your SIL's property, the cleaner has no right to keep it and your SIL has every right to want it back, why wouldn't you help her do that? All you have to do is leave a note/ask the cleaner to leave the key next time she is at your house.

I would just say "my sil mentioned that she had texted you and asked for her key back but you hadnt replied. I don't wish to get involved in anything that's happened between you but if you want to leave SILs key with us I can return it to her without you needing to see her if it helps." She may be grateful of the chance to return the key (the right thing to do) without having to see your SIL or explain herself.

She would be confrontational. SIL is lovely and very, very unused to being 'dumped' by anyone.

I say 'dumped' as I can promise you this is not about the key, it is about SIL wanting to see/speak to cleaner and 'find out what happened'. She absolutely sounded very worked up. She has rung DH four times in the last week. Tonight was the first time I had spoken to her. Last week the stealing was 'possible' but by tonight it was definite.

You said "SIL has phoned her and texted her"
....... so now she hasn't? Which is it? YABU but are also possibly making it up

To be clear SIL has texted cleaner. By asking me to get involved when cleaner hasn't returned key, it is putting that confrontation onto me.

DH is saying SIL should ask for SIL's key back. If we ask, she may say yes, or want to talk to us, or not want to talk to us, BUT SIL knows that this isn't a neutral question.

O lord... Op you could avoid your horror of confrontation by just politely asking the cleaner for the key. You seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill.

Of course she wants her keys back.

This is so bizarre.

Why is asking fir the keys back confrontation?

JUST ASK FOR THE KEY BACK!!! Regardless of whether it's about the key or not, if you get the key back then sil cant reasonably ask for anymore.

And tbh she does have the right to be upset. Your cleaner has ghosted on her. It's shitty, regardless of your cleaners past history.

So SIL has texted and tried to call, presumably asking for her key back? And DH's suggested solution is that SIL should be the one to ask for her key back? Which she has already been doing?