Dick moves your kids have made.

[HardLightHologram]

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

Ds ate a whole pot of my very expensive moisturiser when he was about 2 and a half. It is made worse by the fact he won't eat any meals I cook. Dick.

Boys and pee is an ongoing mystery. I have just bought a black light. Sigh.

Ds1, when he was nearly 4, wrote his name on the living room wall in huge letters.

He then denied it was him and said it must have been DS2 trying to get him in trouble. DS2 was 9 months old.

When Dd was about 8
She was sitting on my lap laughing and pissed on me!!!

Ds 12 at the time. Asked neighbour if he could hot wire the car for us... he meant use his car/battery to get ours going

Blimey. My little shits children are angels!

This is a funny thread! I'm laughing also because all of my anecdotes are about the same one of my children (I have 3!) - DS who is 12:

Rather than wear clothes in bed, turn his radiator up SO high that by 2.30am we had a sauna on our hands and he was refusing to sleep in his own room. (This is last night....)

Whilst DH was in hospital with a life-threatening issue, swung something spiky round his head and cut his scalp open. Like I needed that right then

Handcuffed himself to his bed and lost the key.

Drank two or three cans of Monster the evening before his SATS. Spent most of the night glued to the toilet.

Knew he was going to be sick but refused to come down from his high-sleeper bed. Spectacular.

I'm sure there are more!!!

Probably the worst thing I did was arrive home paralytic on NYE shortly after my 18h birthday. My dad had to undress me (including removing the bits of paper with random phone numbers written on them from down my top). At some point in the night I was sick in my own bed, so went and climbed in between my parents. That was a nice start to 2003 for them.

My son drew on the newly painted hall and tried to blame it on my mum.

My dd covered the newly laid travertine tiled bathroom floor in bright red nail varnish then rubbed it in. Nice, unsealed, POROUS travertine.

She also put a toy car in the microwave while the emergency plumber was trying to work out why we had a leak in our upstairs hall floor. It exploded with such FORCE that we all ran out of the house thinking it was a gas leak or something. Went back in to find the car slowly going round, flames shooting off it.

Same child superglued her hands into her gloves.

Same child shaved her face with my friend's razor when we were on a visit. Cue lots of blood.

Same child cut half her hair off with safety shears, right before Christmas. She was the only child in the nativity to bear a passing resemblance to an eighties pop star.

Same child is now 11 and still does mad stuff while her eminently sensible brother watches in horror (then calls me in a panic...)

Not my child but at my house when he came found to play.
Me slotting he had a marble near his mouth 'X please be careful don't put marbles near your mouth I wouldn't want you to accidentky swallow one'
He looked, shrugged and spat 3 out!
He was 7 ds2 who was 3 looked confused luckily
Imagine the phone call to his mum 'don't pick him up at our house we are at a & e'

*Spotting not slotting!

Ds2 climbed into bed with us at 4.30am, snuggled in and then promptly threw up all over me and the duvet.

Dick.

(He's not really a dick, poor mite).

Aged 5 DD used a thick permanent marker to draw a continuous line all around her room at about 2 feet from the floor, so on the radiator , book shelf etc.

She had no explanation.

DD and DS, both sprinkled instant coffee on their bedroom carpet. On very humid day.

I didn't even bother asking why.

These ones are about my dp. Dp and sil covered themselves and the bath with baby oil and spent a happy time using the bath as a slide. Apparently it was very hard to clean but they were lovely and soft!
Another one from dp and sil. They'd heard that to see if spaghetti is cooked you chuck a bit at the wall and see if it sticks. Mil came back into the dining room to discover it covered in bolognese. It was on all four walls, the floor and the ceiling

when DS was about 4, he decided to try and make toast by putting a slice of bread in the video recorder..
DD at 5ish opened and sprayed almost an entire bottle of coco chanel around her bedroom, cos it smells lully mama...

We have 2 loos. DS(4), and DD(7) went simultaneously. Heard "bugger" from DS, followed by a flush, and "aargh"... And a duet of "DAAAAAD! HELP!"... They'd only both knocked a loo roll into their respective loos.. Luckily DD didn't flush..

Mine is potty trained, quite early but she was ready.
She now refuses to use the potty unless she is wearing pants with pictures of dogs on.
There is nothing I can do! We're too broke to buy her more dog pants and she only has 3 pairs so I have to have a constant rota of dog pant washes in the machine. If she isn't wearing dog pants she'll hold it if I put her on the potty, definitely not ask to go, and just pee on the floor.

Just remembered another one. I volunteered for a charity and frequently took calls from people as the local helpline for our area, at home. Many of them very literally suicidal parents, who'd had a certain diagnosis for their child or were trying to get one.

Son 3, aged about 4, must have got pissed off I was in the middle of a lengthy phone call with yet another despairing person - so he volleyed a football through the living room window. No idea how I ended the call. Glass everywhere he was unhurt.

He was also the one who found my nail varnish and carefully painted all over my keyboard and also all over the massive, irreplaceable, Victorian dressmakers' mirror I inherited from my great aunt.

He was also the child who refused point blank to use a toilet until he was about 5. The nursery refused to let him stay over lunch time as he was still in nappies. So I had to do a lengthy walk, pick him up, bring him home for lunch, walk him back every single day. He's 23 now and can remember being terrified of the toilet but still can't articulate why.

Ds1 was a dog crap magnet when he was younger. Could find the only turd in a five mile radius and stand in it Surpassed himself the day we took him to a car boot sale where he stood in one then plastered himself from head to toe in it as he tried to wipe it off.

Ds 10 decided to WASH his already cracked iPad under the tap 🤔 then kept turning it on and off again to make it work

Ds 2 waited until we just painted the living room and then drew over every single wall . I swear I was only out of the room for 5 minutes probably my fault for decorating whilst living with toddlers.

Dd drew all over the newly decorated living room with black permanent marker that idiot dh had left out.

Ds painted my phone, quilt and radiator with nail varnish. Luckily it came off my phone.

Same ds dropped dh's work mobile in the mop bucket while I was cleaning the floor.

Itchyfoot they did this as adults ?

Dd2 aged 9, snuck some chocolate out of the house with her when I had forced her to come for a nice healthy walk in the country with me. She didn't have a pocket in the clothes she was wearing so she hid it down her knickers.It melted. A lot. She then tried to hide the knickers, now full of melted Galaxy in the laundry basket.I went to do the wash, put my hand in it, assumed it was shite, leapt backwards in shock, and in doing so knocked a full cup of tea onto the newly shampooed bedroom carpet. I was livid.
Last weekend on another walk, she ate a piece of a cowpat on a dare.

Ds1 drew on aeroplane in biro on my kitchen wall he denied doing it and blamed it on ds2 who couldnt even hold a pen properly due to poor motor skills.
An hour later under aeroplane picture was ds2 name.
When ds1 and 2 were a little bit younger dp had been in a bad accident and had lots of different medication. ds1 climbed up a counter to locked cupboard with key left in it and they got new pack of tablets only 2 missing.
We rushed them to a+e where they made both children drink charcoal and told us that really the worst that would probably happen would be that they got diahorrea.
Went home to find the dog had pooed everywhere over the house it turns out they fed the tablets to the poor dog.

This is the funniest thread in a while!
My eldest now 13 when he was around 14 months old decided to use a plant pot as a hat.
Unfortunately he hadn't thought it through and upended a begonia and compost all over his head.
Same child didn't learn from this and I heard panicked cries coming from my mums lounge.. we found him with a metal plant pot wedged firmly over his head, ears and nose. It was about 2ft tall and I was trying to figure out how to get him safely to a & e because he wouldn't have fitted in the car seat with the 2ft head extension.
Fortunately my level headed mother managed to flatten his nose slightly to prise it off.