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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dick moves your kids have made.

369 replies

HardLightHologram · 12/12/2016 17:45

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Agerbilatemycardigan · 12/12/2016 21:13

I was reading the paper when an enormous turd landed on it. Apparently DD2 couldn't find her potty so she thoughtfully picked up the poo (which was about half her body weight) and thoughtfully placed it slap bang in the middle of readers letters.

GrumpySausage · 12/12/2016 21:13

I love this thread.

My favourite being 'it rained like fuck!' GrinGrin

TimTamTerrier · 12/12/2016 21:15

When DS was just about to turn six he started taking himself off to his room to get ready for bed while I was getting toddler DD ready. I thought he was fab and really growing up. Then my downstairs neighbour knocked on the door to tell me that DS had just pissed on him (DS's window was right above neighbour's balcony). Hmm

MrsMattBomer · 12/12/2016 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 12/12/2016 21:16

Caught a teenage DD3 eating cereal out of my expensive gravy boat Hmm

BlueBlueSkies · 12/12/2016 21:23

DS aged 3, at friends house, told not only to walk on the grass, not the concrete surrounding the pond. Do you understand? Yes, as he walks straight into the pond. Lifted him out by his dungarees, crying that is was cold.

Autumn walk on the beach in freezing North Wales. Don't get wet kids, it will be cold. The three of them DS 12, DD 8 and DSS 8 ran straight into the sea, all completely soaked and crying with cold. We had only been out 5 mins.

DS, 17, at Reading festival, offers to help his cousin carry stuff from the car to the tent. Picked up the beer, got asked for ID at the gate and had the lot confiscated. He was popular that weekend.

Lostmyemailaddress · 12/12/2016 21:25

Ds1 has been reading these with me and says it's not fair I haven't put my dick moves as kid on. We have had conversations in the last couple of years trying to decide who's the biggest dick.

Aged 4 playing in garden with younger cousin making mud pies I then tried feeding cousin mud pie because he was hungry.

Aged 5 drew on my doll and cousin with my dgm make up.

Aged 8 fed up of younger brother taking my things tried selling him so we could buy another baby was grounded for weeks.

Aged 7 went skidding down a supermarket aile fell and had my foot ran over by a trolley. Had to walk home on it as no one thought I was that bad until my shoe came off spent 8 weeks in plaster.

6 weeks after cast came off foot going to school ran ahead and hid from my dgp jumped out shouting boo my foot went straight down a pot hole another 8 weeks in plaster.

Leaving hospital after plaster cast came off jumped off a kerb broke foot again.

Aged 8ish ran into metal fence in the school yard ended up with a lump the source of an egg on my eyebrow..... I have no excuses still no idea why I did it.

Messing with my uncle in a shop jumping up pretending to bite his hand 1 jump miss aimed hit his hand with my nose cue massive nose bleed all over the shop.

Aged 11 dared to climb on a flat roof did so stood up got distracted by cats fighting took a step to 1 side to get a better look fell off and dislocated my knee.

Not sure of my age but a family friend turned up walked in with his motorcycle helmet on I screamed and shouted alien he backed out I slammed door. He then opened the door after removing his helmet I screamed and shut the door hitting his face busting his nose.

Dared to fill my mouth with sherbert and coke cue fizzy bubbly mess from nose and no mouth everywhere but I earned my Alan shearer shiny card.

Dared to hang upside down from a tree and let someone hit at me with a stick I was supposed to dodge it didn't got a broken nose.

I can see where my dcs get it.

AgentProvocateur · 12/12/2016 21:27

At the age of 20 - YES 2-0!! - made everyone tea with not enough hot water in the kettle so used the hot tap to top up the mugs.

JamesStPatrick · 12/12/2016 21:38

My friend's 3 year old son stood at the side of the local pool and did a huge wee into it!

Crowdblundering · 12/12/2016 21:39

Had a party while we were camping (same incident as ironing board) putnitbon Facebook (so had to "temporarily" delete all family members) and got drunk and passed out allowing a load of strangers to maraude through the house, shag I put bed and go through ALL our bedroom drawers.

Verticalvenetianblinds · 12/12/2016 21:39

Ds (now 6) projectile pooed all over the nursery at 6 months old when his dad had his legs up cleaning his bum. Dh just shrieked for help while still holding his legs, it was like a water sprayer.
At 18months old fell backwards off the bed and twisted his arm and broke it with a rotational break exactly the same as you'd get if someone twisted ur arm behind your back. We got separated and questioned for hours. At 2 covered the wall, cot and himself in poo. Also aged 2 ran off across a main road in rush hour, the cars all missed him like something out of wacky races. At 3 covered him self in sudocrem, head to foot, hair and all. At nursery used 'for fucks sake' in context. At 4 used a permenant marker to colour in his left arm, neck, face and chest- he was purple for a week. Climbed the book shelves pulling the whole lot out the wall. Swung on the curtains pulling the whole lot down. Posted my trolley pound into the heating vents in the car, it rattles every time the heatings on. At 5 put a tree seed up his nose. First day of moving into new house did a wild wee and shouted it's ok, it keeps the badgers away. Later the same day I shouted at him don't wee on the cat - I then found out my new neighbours were having a family get together and heard it all.
Ds who is only 18months old now has so far not been too much of a dick but did eat his poo last week.
Luckily I overshare on facebook so everything is recorded and photographed to be found online forever and ever!

Crowdblundering · 12/12/2016 21:39

In our bed sorry....

MrsMattBomer · 12/12/2016 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoloStar · 12/12/2016 21:46

Aged about 3, left with grandparents, my younger DB and I coloured ourselves in, completely, with black marker pens..... apparently it took some time to get off!

I have tried boiling an egg in the kettle ......

gillybeanz · 12/12/2016 21:47

Ds1 completely clean, perfect record at school, described as a very well behaved pupil, never stepped a foot out of line.
Suspended from school for nearly a half a term for being a dick with the fire alarm, not owning up to it and 2 engines arriving at school. Aged 15
The head was absolutely astounded and wasn't even on his list of possibilities.

Ds2 set fire to the house, complete accident but "you don't associate cigarettes and candles with starting a fire" This was the start of finally gaining a diagnosis of Aspergers. age 17

DD continuously doing daft things, list too long to mention, her diagnosis as Ds2 but much quicker and younger. 12

I think kids with or without a defined diagnosis of anything can fuck up occasionally.

TheTroutofNoCraic · 12/12/2016 21:47

Not a child, but my 36 year old DH was changing DS nappy, needed to sneeze, so instead of grabbing a baby wipe/muslin cloth/using his hand (all of which were equally convenient) he picked up a clean, brand spanking new nappy.
Fucking posh-sneezing wanker.

bluebell9 · 12/12/2016 21:52

My youngest niece used to love pretending to drive my car. I was at my sisters one day and my 3 year old niece announced she needed a wee. She took herself to the toilet in the hallway. Or so we thought. On the way to the toilet, she spotted my car keys. The excitement of getting in my car made her forget about her desperate need to wee, so she took herself outside and got in my car.
She then came back in the house to tell me very excitedly that my car was locked. I asked where the keys were. She had somehow managed to lock them in the car. I noticed her trousers were wet and asked if she had wet herself. She then proudly announced that she'd pee'd in my car!
I had to wait for my brother in law to come home, to drive me to my house to get my spare car keys, as my car was blocking my sisters car in. Luckily my sister had keys to my house as my house keys are on the car keys. Good job I love her!

ninenicknames · 12/12/2016 21:52

Nearly drowned themselves trying to learn how to breathe through their bum.

I just am in tears with laughter

CitronellaEllaElla · 12/12/2016 21:58

threw his glasses into a badger sett on the other side of the fence from the school. Grin that has really tickled me!

McGintyii · 12/12/2016 21:59

These are hilarious! My DD is only 8 weeks old so I've nothing to report just yet, however when I was about 10 I used to keep stick insects, I had about 10 in a tank. They laid eggs I managed to convince my mum to allow me to keep some of the eggs to hatch out. Every time I cleaned them out I painstakingly sifted through the sawdust and collected hundreds of these eggs and I put them in shallow dishes on tissues and sprayed them with water every couple of days. My mum didn't really pay attention, until one day I got up and they had hatched and were all over the kitchen. Tiny baby stick insects just everywhere. In my excitement about being a stick insect mother I had forgotten to put lids on top of the dishes. I tried to catch them all before my mum got up but there were just too many and I couldn't do it - she went crazy but did help me to catch them, especially the ones that had got to high places I couldn't reach. We were still finding them weeks later.

PhilODox · 12/12/2016 22:01

These stories make me realise how good my children are Shock

Konyaa · 12/12/2016 22:12

Mine is 14 months old. I'm terrified reading these !!!

kelper · 12/12/2016 22:13

Oh gosh, a post above has reminded me of younger DS, when he was about 4, pretending to drive our friends very expensive mercedes on our drive, DH had stupidly left the keys in it (Usually DS would take car keys out and give them to a grown up in case the following happened.....) DS somehow managed to put the car in drive and it rolled very slowly up our drive, which is fortunately wide and slopes up towards the house, and "crash" it gently into our porch!!

CondensedMilkSarnies · 12/12/2016 22:20

Be afraid Konya be very afraid ! Grin

SingaSong12 · 12/12/2016 22:25

This one was me - helpfully shave and vacced the carpet, shame it was talc Blush

Changed my name for almost a year, but just at play school - I have an unusual name and wanted one that was in story books. Discovered by my parents when they started getting party invitations in that name. I do wonder what the staff made of it, I made up a different surname as well.