Dick moves your kids have made.

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Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

Just thought of another one.

3 year old DD running round and round the nursery gleefully shouting 'cleavage!' at the top of her lungs.

The nursery manager could barely keep a straight face when I went to pick her up.

Ds decided to climb into the bottom drawer of his chest of drawers to see what it felt like. Cue the chest and tv falling forward.

Oh I got some more

Found a special tube of toothpaste and hid it because they liked the way it made their mouth tingle. It was accessible due to DH being lax about putting it away and not thinking a 6 year old would do this... It was a tube of Anusol.

Dd scared the living shit out of a friend who was babysitting her. She was one of those that do the long scream out then forget to breathe in. She banged her knee, did this but then went black, eyes rolled back in her head and passed out. My friend thought she had killed her till she started to breathe again. Friend never babysat again strangely enough.

dd2 sticking a sweet up her nose ( that needed surgically removing) as her nose was hungry....

dd3 throwing a penny at dd2, who decided at that precise moment to shout me and said penny promptly disappeared down her throat, cue another trip to ane!

ds filling a metal sweet tin with water to throw at his mate, wet tin slipped out his hands... can u guess where we ended up going??

My cousin aged 9 doing some classwork which was to fill in the gaps of popular sayings, one of these was "It rained like _" (correct answer being "cats and dogs").

My cousin wrote "it rained like fuck" My poor aunt was very red-faced when the teacher asked to have a word at home time.

These are fantastic. 😂 I didn't realise most kids did shit like this....thought it was just mine!

Oh god so so many things and all of them ds2 (now 13) but some of these are fairly recent is this year

*Ate his own poo (not this year fortunately)
*Filled all my mums taps with gravel
*Superglued all the light switches
*Stuck sanitary towels all over his walls (aeroplane stickers)
*Jumped from the first floor of a multi storey car park (3 times in a row)
*Filmed his teacher doing something, posted a rude comment about it and stuck it on snapchat. Went round the whole school (he got a week exclusion for that one)
*Pulled half his hair out (and ate it)
*Cycling home from school full pelt and no helmet, had something stuck in front spokes so used his foot to get it out. Straight over handlebars at about 30 mph. Seems to have a head of granite so no injury remarkably

There are Prob many many more

Placemarking to read later but so far the milk kettle and toilet soup are winning for me! Love this thread!

Oh forgot to say: DD vomited.In.My.MOUTH! She was only 8 weeks and had undiagnosed (at the time) dairy intolerance so I forgave her!

Thought of another one. Quite possibly the most dickish move ever.

On holiday in a caravan. First morning, hear screeching coming from DD1 (aged 5). Rush in to find she had got one of her armbands round her fucking neck. I have no idea how she didn't suffocate getting it over her face, this thing was so tight around her neck, I had to get a knife and very carefully cut it off.

She then cried because I wouldn't buy her new Barbie armbands.

dawn I presume they all know you by name? :o not strangers to a&e either

My little brother once had the bright idea of making our new garden hose into a sprinkler by making holes all the way down it with a rake. This was the 60s. My mum and dad were pretty much on the breadline and had saved about 10m green shield stamps to acquire said hose. To make it worse, for his big reveal he attached the hose to the kitchen hot tap and sprinkled the garden with the hot water the immersion had just heated for our WEEKLY bath and we didn't have any more shillings for the meter. Oh the good old days.

A few months ago, my niece (2.5) sitting on my knee while we were all playing a game at the table. Half an hour or so later, we all get down from the table and my trousers are saturated. Turns out she had pee'd all over me and not said a word..it's as well I love her.

I had a friend who got her head stuck inbetween railings when trying to nosy between them. She was about 10, the oldest of us all and probably should have known better. My dad had to cut her free. There is still a bend and a gap in the railings 20 years later.

I was the child who decided to sharpen my little fingernail with the pencil sharpener at school when I was about 7...I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea. Anyway it bled a lot, hurt a lot and I cried a lot. The lady doing the first aid in the office said I'd never do that again...she was right.

These make me feel much better about dd6 she has cut her fringe twice, said it was her brother, then said it was someone at school even after I found her fringe in the kitchen sprayed furniture polish all over herself , hair the lot . She poured nail polish all over her bed and said it was water my eyes were stinging when I walked through the fucking door

And people wonder why parents drink

14 yr old decided to use my best pan to melt wax to make homemade candles (candles turned out great; pan didn't). Not as bad as friend's son who left several cans of coke in the freezer compartment of their huge (and massively expensive) American fridge and forgot about them. Cans froze and ruptured and leaked into the system somehow making the ice making compartment taste of yuk flat cola for eons after.

These are great! My DS2, assisted by DS1, drew all over his newly painted bedroom walls. Also after a trip to Cadbury World 3 year old DS2 got hold of the mishapes from the fridge, ate the ones he liked and put the half chewed ones that he didn't (my favourites!) back into the fridge in a neat pile. There was chocolate everywhere-fridge, floor, cupboard doors and he was covered!

Age 4. Covered himself in 'soot'. Panicked. Ran and tipped a box of washing powder over himself. Panicked at the mess, so threw a glass of water over himself to boot.

Age 9. For reasons unknown. Dipped both hands into a full tin of gloss paint. Then tried to wash it of with water.....the mess....the ruined clothes...

It rained like fuck

Love it!

When DS was tiny and I was bfing him he went through a stage of only pooing once a week, then filling three or four consecutive explosive nappies. One of these occasions (he was about 8 weeks old) I was getting ready to swap the first dirty nappy for a clean one he looked me straight in the eye and did the biggest, cutest smile... Then the little bugger promptly shite straight over my shoulder and all over the sofa!

Loving this thread!

DS2 is a bit of an odd child and went through a phase of pissing in strange places. His favourite was down the side of his wardrobe, for no real reason other than he was being a knob end.

We went to McDonalds not long ago on the way to visit some friends and he decided 40 minutes after the McDonalds to announce that he'd stuck a chip up his nose while we were in there but was too scared to tell anyone because he knows I go mad when he puts things in his face holes (his actual words). It was so far up he had to have it removed at A&E where they all laughed like drains at him.

He also put cardboard into his earhole at school a while back. I managed to tweezer it out and yelled a bit at him to try and prevent him doing it again. Two weeks later he smelled funny and said he had an earache; turns out he'd put cardboard into both ears but after the bollocking he got for the first he daren't tell me about the other. It required surgery.

This is why I daren't have any more. They get progressively more stupid with each one that arrives.

Oh, almost forgot the time younger brother nicked sister's box of tampons. Took them to his primary school and tried to sell pairs of them to classmates as ear plugs.

I have nothing to add but I have to thank you for making me cry with laughter when I wanted to cry at the awfulness of my Southern rail journey tonight (and for DH's who is now due home at 10.30).

I think 'breathing through your bum hole' should be a new saying for something that's impossible to do !