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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH's lie ins?

130 replies

isthatpoisontoo · 12/12/2016 12:31

I had a baby at the end of September, and DP has been brilliant. He was an amazing support during our week in hospital. He's totally accepted that I'm stuck under her breastfeeding for hours (we had so many feeding issues), and that she's a very needy baby (as more than one health professional has put it). He's taken over all the laundry, cooking, washing up and lots of the cleaning, in addition to his demanding full time job.

But one thing is pissing me off. Even though I'm doing all of the night wakings, he never gets up until I do at the weekend. He's moved out of the bedroom, although I think there's plenty of room for all of us in the superking. It would be so nice to come down to a clean kitchen, the cat fed, some shopping done, or even find him doing something for himself. Instead yesterday I came down with a crying hungry baby at ten o'clock, and tried to find something I could eat while feeding her that didn't involve milk or butter, since we were out of those. He came down after me, at which point he made a coffee, etc.

He always has a reason why he wasn't able to get up earlier: he couldn't reach his inhaler, and his chest was bad; he couldn't sleep for hours in the night; he has a virus. He has been ill a lot since she arrived (we once called out of hours about his asthma and they sent an ambulance) but he also characterises having a bad cold as being "really ill" so it's hard to say. I feel like if he really is sick he needs to find better ways to manage it, but packing him off to out of hours/ GP/ asthma nurse hasn't produced results. In any case, how come he can always get up when I do, but not before?

I'm getting so resentful about him getting these lovely long nights of sleep when I'm propping my eyelids open after being up with the baby several times in the night. Envy It's not just a nice eight hours, either, sometimes I've been in bed ten and a half hours (much of it awake) and he's still not got up!

In his defence, he still looks tired, and he gets limited amounts of sleep during the week because he gets up at 5.30 am to go to work. That's a choice, though, he could get in at 9 am like everyone else, he just likes to be in when the office is quiet. I don't get a choice about getting up to feed a crying baby, even when I'm sick.

AIBU about his weekend lie ins, or is he?

OP posts:
SheldonsSpot · 12/12/2016 12:34

You want him to get up earlier than you and the baby at weekends?

YABU.

NavyandWhite · 12/12/2016 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
isthatpoisontoo · 12/12/2016 12:39

Or go to bed later. We spend a long time in bed because there's hours and hours of feeding in the night. I think that given he isn't doing hours and hours of feeding, he doesn't need to be in bed that whole time. I'm willing to be told I'm being unfair (that's why I asked!), but some reasons would be helpful, guys.

OP posts:
SheldonsSpot · 12/12/2016 12:41

If it's his free time, and you're in bed, then he can go to bed if he likes.

You are controlling and weird.

dontpokethebear · 12/12/2016 12:42

So he's taken over all the household tasks, works full time and he has been ill? And you resent him having a lie in?

BertieBeats · 12/12/2016 12:43

But you said he's taken over all the laundry ,cooking and housework ,as well as his full time job. TBH I wouldn't begrudge my partner a decent nights sleep if this was the case.

HaveNoSocks · 12/12/2016 12:44

I think a more reasonable request of him would be to give you a lie in once the baby has been fed. When my LO was little I had a lie in both weekend days because my DH has had a full night sleep and I was up all night with the baby. A few hours uninterrupted sleep made me sane again.

NavyandWhite · 12/12/2016 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaveNoSocks · 12/12/2016 12:45

I don't think you can underestimate how difficult sleep deprivation is. I didn't get more than an hour in one go for the first 6 months (and that was with the baby in bed with us so I was sleeping very light) and it sent me a bit mental to be honest so focus on getting sleep somehow and don't sweat the housework.

LotsoNumbers · 12/12/2016 12:45

He sounds like he's working bloody hard to support his family in every way he can and you sound weird. Poor guy

OnionKnight · 12/12/2016 12:46

YABU, it sounds like he's doing everything else so why are you begrudging him sleeping when you're not even up?

fourandnomore · 12/12/2016 12:46

I think yabu, sorry, there isn't much he isn't doing by the sounds of it. He can't help with night feelings unless you express/give formula to give you a break and may be an option if you think it would help. There is no reason why most of the stuff you mention can't be done the night before so that you come down to a clean house all together. Online shopping is something you could do while feeding. That might take the pressure off a bit. He's probably exhausted, as you will be too of course. Broken sleep is a nightmare but I think you need to focus on the support you are getting and just try and get through the first few months. It will all get easier soon honestly but it sounds like you have a very supportive partner.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 12/12/2016 12:46

Firstly congratulations. The early days are really tough and you can end up resenting the slightest little thing because of the torture that is sleepless nights. At this stage you just have to muddle through the best you can. It sounds like he is a really hands on dad and there for you. I think you are being unreasonable to expect a sparkly clean house to wake up to! Support each other and enjoy your baby.

user1471545174 · 12/12/2016 12:47

Totally unreasonable!

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 12/12/2016 12:47

If he only gets up when you do, perhaps he's trying to make the most of the time he has with you? Sounds like he's out of the house quite a lot, maybe he stays in bed because he'd rather be with you and the baby instead of up and pottering about?

HardLightHologram · 12/12/2016 12:47

It would be nice perhaps if he gave you a lie in on one of the weekend mornings by taking the baby downstairs.

But I'm not sure why you're bothered that he's not getting up, or going to bed later. You've already said he's doing tons.

You sound very controlling.

MinesAGin · 12/12/2016 12:48

Of course she's not controlling and weird!

She's not asleep all night, is she? She's feeding a very young baby. He IS asleep and he should get up and sort out the kitchen if it's a mess, once in a while at least, ffs.

blueskyinmarch · 12/12/2016 12:49

I do think YABU but is suspect your ability to think it through properly is clouded by sleep deprivation. You are the only one who can feed your infant. Your DP is pulling his weight bu working in a FT jobbed doing lots of household chores whilst also being unwell. Of course her deserves a bit of a long lie at the weekend. He obviously hears you getting up and gets up with you to make you a coffee etc. I really would not expect him to be up earlier doing lots of chores on his day off. I would cut him some slack.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 12/12/2016 12:50

Bloody hell how can you not see that YABU! He works full time and by the sounds of it has taken over nearly everything at home so you can concentrate on the baby and it sounds like he has been quite ill, but you also want him to get up before you at weekends and have stuff done and ready for when you get up! YABVU.

NavyandWhite · 12/12/2016 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moreisnnogedag · 12/12/2016 12:51

ok I think you're so tired that it's making you (understandably) unreasonable and petty.

You're dh has taken over all household tasks, he can't take over from you because bfing etc and looks (and likely feels) tired. His asthma was so crap at one point an ambulance was called. He's constantly falling ill because he's tired. He's trying. I get how it's annoying but I wouldn't go on at him about this. I'd start to feel pretty damn resentful if my partner just wanted me to be up for no particular reason.

Nineloves1 · 12/12/2016 12:52

It doesn't sound like it's the lie in as much as the household isn't organized until you get up. Could you point him in the direction of what needs doing before you both go to bed?

DH, is there any chance you could blitz the kitchen whilst I feed DC, then we don't have to do it in the morning. DH, would you be able to order the Internet shop whilst I feed DC.

If you stay up whilst he does it you aren't in bed anyway, just occupied.

I also check milk etc before DH comes back from work if I haven't been able to get to the shops, then text him what we need for him to pick up on the way home.

Would that help?

dontpokethebear · 12/12/2016 12:52

MinesAgin but he is doing everything else in the house, plus working.

TBH I couldn't go to bed knowing the kitchen is a mess, so maybe you could do that before you go to bed with dd?

NavyandWhite · 12/12/2016 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElspethFlashman · 12/12/2016 12:53

Tbh YABU.

He has a full plate and is pulling his weight and there's nothing urgent that needs doing before 10am on a Saturday.

That said, once he's downstairs, palm off the baby and go and have a shower/breakfast. He can have his coffee and entertain the baby simultaneously.

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