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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH's lie ins?

130 replies

isthatpoisontoo · 12/12/2016 12:31

I had a baby at the end of September, and DP has been brilliant. He was an amazing support during our week in hospital. He's totally accepted that I'm stuck under her breastfeeding for hours (we had so many feeding issues), and that she's a very needy baby (as more than one health professional has put it). He's taken over all the laundry, cooking, washing up and lots of the cleaning, in addition to his demanding full time job.

But one thing is pissing me off. Even though I'm doing all of the night wakings, he never gets up until I do at the weekend. He's moved out of the bedroom, although I think there's plenty of room for all of us in the superking. It would be so nice to come down to a clean kitchen, the cat fed, some shopping done, or even find him doing something for himself. Instead yesterday I came down with a crying hungry baby at ten o'clock, and tried to find something I could eat while feeding her that didn't involve milk or butter, since we were out of those. He came down after me, at which point he made a coffee, etc.

He always has a reason why he wasn't able to get up earlier: he couldn't reach his inhaler, and his chest was bad; he couldn't sleep for hours in the night; he has a virus. He has been ill a lot since she arrived (we once called out of hours about his asthma and they sent an ambulance) but he also characterises having a bad cold as being "really ill" so it's hard to say. I feel like if he really is sick he needs to find better ways to manage it, but packing him off to out of hours/ GP/ asthma nurse hasn't produced results. In any case, how come he can always get up when I do, but not before?

I'm getting so resentful about him getting these lovely long nights of sleep when I'm propping my eyelids open after being up with the baby several times in the night. Envy It's not just a nice eight hours, either, sometimes I've been in bed ten and a half hours (much of it awake) and he's still not got up!

In his defence, he still looks tired, and he gets limited amounts of sleep during the week because he gets up at 5.30 am to go to work. That's a choice, though, he could get in at 9 am like everyone else, he just likes to be in when the office is quiet. I don't get a choice about getting up to feed a crying baby, even when I'm sick.

AIBU about his weekend lie ins, or is he?

OP posts:
AnnPerkins · 12/12/2016 13:41

I remember ranting away about DH at my mum for, like, ten minutes when DS was a couple of months old. I can still picture Mum's face which was Smile Confused Smile

I have absolutely no recollection of what I was ranting about. But whatever it was was flippin' life or death at the time to my sleep-deprived, hormonal self and I couldn't understand why Mum wasn't taking it as seriously.

OP, you'll start getting more sleep soon and more time to yourself without a baby stuck to you. The early days are special, but also incredibly hard, for both parents Flowers

DotForShort · 12/12/2016 13:44

It's refreshing to see an OP who admits she is being unreasonable!

Some people love to lie in bed, even when they are not asleep. So for your husband, having a lie-in is "something for himself."

He must be exhausted, just as you are. Adjusting to a new baby and a new schedule takes time. It's only been three months. Give it time. I'm sure it will get easier.

Mythreeknights · 12/12/2016 13:48

Let's be honest, she is going to be more exhausted than her DH....why should he get a lie in when she's been up all night? Why can't he help tidy up a bit? Yes he's been at work, but she works 24 hours a day with no break. I don't get all you nutters telling the OP that she is BU.

HoridHenryrules · 12/12/2016 13:48

He works full time and cleans the house and now you want him to get up early on weekends. Go and and see your doctor and tell him that because you don't sound well.

BillyShingles · 12/12/2016 13:49

Actually what hodd wrote brings it all back, and it's not a million miles from the OP really.

It all got a bit much for me in the mornings when PFB was a bit older and we had bottles to faff with, baby breakfast to do and housework seemed to have expanded. I think I collapsed in a tearful mess and we ended up with a long list of morning jobs on the fridge so DH could progress it on his mornings. He's not a pathetic manchild, he's just not psychic and babies do change quickly. But I maintain that lie-ins are good and worth delaying the washing for.

AndNothingElseMatters · 12/12/2016 13:49

Omg I'm one of those people. I fucking love lying in bed reading or whatever.

Unfortunately I have a two year old.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2016 13:57

You're both probably knackered, you don't need to understand why he'd rather lie in bed on a sat morning rather than get up nice and early and clean the kitchen and make you breakfast, but accept he does. Most of us would say it's because he's is up at five thirty every morning, manages all house hold chores, works full time, and probably doesn't sleep too well if you're up breastfeeding though. 🙄

HermioneJeanGranger · 12/12/2016 13:58

"Let's be honest, she is going to be more exhausted than her DH....why should he get a lie in when she's been up all night?"

Why should he get up early on the weekends for no reason, though? It's not like OP is up doing housework at 6am, she's in bed too!

Nobody wins an award for getting up early if they don't have to.

Original poster
isthatpoisontoo · 12/12/2016 14:01

There's no shortage of opinions!

I really want to thank those of you who have been helpful and made useful suggestions. I may try walking on the spot while chopping veg later.

As I said, I have my answer, DH's lie ins are safe. Whhich means i don't have to put myself through reading the, well, less helpful comments sure to follow- also the baby has woken.

over and out.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/12/2016 14:02

Can I ask also have you sought help on the breast feeding? You write that you feed for hours on end, be it day or night, and it seems like this is your main and pretty much only focus because you're finding it hard, is there anyway to speak to someone, or maybe even post a thread to ask for help from people who had a similar situation and how they managed it?

BravoPanda · 12/12/2016 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bakingaddict · 12/12/2016 14:04

Is he really doing lots of housework though.....if the kitchen is a mess when you get up then he isn't really keeping on top of it. When my kids were babies and even now DH cleaned the kitchen every night. It's grim to get up to a dirty kitchen especially when your sleep deprived. He needs to let you have a few lie ins and do some night feeds and just generally take over with the baby a bit more so you get a bit more quality sleep.
My friend has a newborn and when I visit she loves handing the baby over to me so she can have a little break from baby for a couple of hours. I suspect this is what you need

bakingaddict · 12/12/2016 14:08

He sounds like time management is a problem for him

Lorelei76 · 12/12/2016 14:09

OP "TBH, I think I just don't get why he wants those extra, not-sleeping, hours in bed."

because, as a pp said, he has bad asthma. I have okay asthma, if such a thing exists, but it's still very tiring sometimes just to be. the few days after an attack are just awful. Lying down will help him not feel so crap.

puglife15 · 12/12/2016 14:11

OP I know how trapped I felt when it's hard to get any baby free time, baby only sleeps on you, day and night, and will only fed from you etc. I think it's hard for people to understand unless they've gone through it.

(I'm still in this position nearly 10 months later...)

Anyway i would focus on what you'd like to do (not chores) rather than what he's not doing. And ask him to take baby for an hour or two so you can do it.

HoridHenryrules · 12/12/2016 14:12

You want to walk on the spot while chopping veg????

Have you thought about going to a baby group and meeting new mums. I am concerned about your mh. Get out of the house.

Jointhejoyrun75 · 12/12/2016 14:12

I would suggest that he takes the baby for an hour or so each day, while you have a much-needed nap, either in the morning when he wakes up or later on in the day. Surely she's not feeding 100% of the day, and you can leave her with him for a short time? Assuming he is better now, and he's not getting up in the night, it does seem a bit odd that he is sleeping until 10am on the weekends!

NavyandWhite · 12/12/2016 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeisnotaline · 12/12/2016 14:13

It depends- if the op is getting no sleep and her dh is getting 8 hours a week then I would pay to be the dh not the op, who is not functioning. The dh is probably tired yes, but if he gave the op 2 stretches of 3 hours sleep then she might be able to contemplate helping with more of the other tasks. Plus he gets to know his baby. If him getting up wouldn't help the op get some sleep then yes yabu though, although I would still like a cup of tea in bed before getting up!

HaveNoSocks · 12/12/2016 14:14

Bloody hell, just read the thread and some of these responses are really nasty! The OP has been very gracious about accepting the advice given no idea why people had to resort to nasty insults.

Some of you probably never had a needy baby or if you did can't remember what it's like to be horribly sleep deprived.

Keep going OP. It's hard work but you sound like you're doing a wonderful job. Make sure you get some sleep and time to yourself once in a while!

HoridHenryrules · 12/12/2016 14:17

Op you are lucky to have a husband like that and you know are. Try not to demand more from him. Your husband is not the problem you need to get out the house.

Jointhejoyrun75 · 12/12/2016 14:17

Can I also ask how many parents of babies/small children lie in until 10am if they are not having a broken night's sleep? I know for me it would have been over a decade ago!

HoridHenryrules · 12/12/2016 14:25

I had a baby last year does my opinion count and I home school my older children. My partner does very little to help me but he is a good taxi service. It is important to get out and talk to people. It will be good for her and the baby.

whattodowiththepoo · 12/12/2016 14:28

"although I think there's plenty of room for all of us in the superking"
I think I got a tick after reading this line.
YABU

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 12/12/2016 14:30

I think yabu, sorry. I had a baby mid October, do all the wakings and all the housework. DH works full time, cooks and lets me catch up at the weekend.