About DH's lie ins?

[isthatpoisontoo]

I had a baby at the end of September, and DP has been brilliant. He was an amazing support during our week in hospital. He's totally accepted that I'm stuck under her breastfeeding for hours (we had so many feeding issues), and that she's a very needy baby (as more than one health professional has put it). He's taken over all the laundry, cooking, washing up and lots of the cleaning, in addition to his demanding full time job.

But one thing is pissing me off. Even though I'm doing all of the night wakings, he never gets up until I do at the weekend. He's moved out of the bedroom, although I think there's plenty of room for all of us in the superking. It would be so nice to come down to a clean kitchen, the cat fed, some shopping done, or even find him doing something for himself. Instead yesterday I came down with a crying hungry baby at ten o'clock, and tried to find something I could eat while feeding her that didn't involve milk or butter, since we were out of those. He came down after me, at which point he made a coffee, etc.

He always has a reason why he wasn't able to get up earlier: he couldn't reach his inhaler, and his chest was bad; he couldn't sleep for hours in the night; he has a virus. He has been ill a lot since she arrived (we once called out of hours about his asthma and they sent an ambulance) but he also characterises having a bad cold as being "really ill" so it's hard to say. I feel like if he really is sick he needs to find better ways to manage it, but packing him off to out of hours/ GP/ asthma nurse hasn't produced results. In any case, how come he can always get up when I do, but not before?

I'm getting so resentful about him getting these lovely long nights of sleep when I'm propping my eyelids open after being up with the baby several times in the night. It's not just a nice eight hours, either, sometimes I've been in bed ten and a half hours (much of it awake) and he's still not got up!

In his defence, he still looks tired, and he gets limited amounts of sleep during the week because he gets up at 5.30 am to go to work. That's a choice, though, he could get in at 9 am like everyone else, he just likes to be in when the office is quiet. I don't get a choice about getting up to feed a crying baby, even when I'm sick.

AIBU about his weekend lie ins, or is he?

Sorry but YABU, your lucky you have someone that actually does something, a lot of woman have too do it all themselves, sounds like all you have too do is entertain and feed baby.

If its that much of a hassle ask him to have baby in the morning for a few hours whilst you have lie in.

In my opinion he should be able to sleep til whenever he likes on the weekend.

It's okay, OP - sleep deprivation is murder and it can wreak havoc with your mind! I think you're getting a little bit of a hard time on here, but then again it's so very hard to think rationally when you're bone tired.

Only read page 1 and skimmed the rest...

Oh good lord, yes, YABVU. Despite the loooooong list of things he already does, you want him to get up before you on a weekend and do MORE work? Clean the kitchen and fetch milk and butter?

I am genuinely mouth-open about your post!

Sounds hard for you both but I know whose position I'd rather be in.

Yours

If the baby's asleep it's great if you both are too. If you were wanting him to take the waking baby so you can sleep in one day a week I'd say YANBU.

If you want him to get up to do specific jobs then could you swap some jobs - you do a bit of the cooking and/or food shopping now the baby's a bit older?

You say that it's his choice to get up at 5.30, but does he do that to free up his evenings to see you and the baby or do the cooking etc? If he were getting up at 7.00 he'd be at least 1.5 hours later home in the evening, and I bet you'd wish he was back earlier. It's not called "witching hour" for nothing.

I promise op - it does get easier!

I think you may now know yabu, but sleep deprivation can certainly cloud your judgement. I feel this is perhaps an overused thing to say, but have you tried using a sling/baby carrier? Dd was (and still sometimes is) very clingy, and I found using a sling I was able to get little bits done, like cut vegetables for dinner or hanging out the laundry. Also don't be afraid to ask Dh to watch the baby for a while so you can do something by yourself. Even if it's just a 30 minute bubble bath you need that sometimes.

Also on Dh's days off we take it in turns to have a lay in. I know with breastfeeding it's not always the same, but may be nice to have some uninterrupted sleep, and then when Dh lays in you may be more understanding.

To some of the "you're so controlling" posts:

We're both trying to do what we can to look after our baby. Maybe we're not that good at it yet. We're a team. I'm not demanding that he does housework, he's not demanding that I feed and look after the baby, we're not controlling each other, we're working together.

TBH, I think I just don't get why he wants those extra, not-sleeping, hours in bed. I'd want to be getting our house in order to make the day easier, or getting out in the fresh air, or having a non-baby-interrupted conversation. If I can get her in the bouncer for a few minutes in the day I leap up to fold laundry. I believe you all, though, he wants those hours, and he's still getting them!

Those assuming I'm sleeping during the day: I'm not. She currently won't sleep anywhere but on me in the daytime, and I don't feel safe snoozing with her on the sofa. Hopefully that will change soon.

Thank you to everyone who has been helpful, especially the kind words about sleep deprivation.

Lovely response OP especially given how tired you must be. Enjoy your baby and DH.

mine are now 5 and 2 and I pale at the thought of having another. I found babies such hard work - it does get easier!

He supports you with housework, baby, while working full time and battling asthma and you still want him to give up wknds? If you're struggling to cope with night feeds there are other ways to cope. Why don't you express and ask him to take over day feeds over the weekend so you can sleep during the day instead?

You have just had a baby. He is unwell. Colds do mean very ill for an asthmatic.

He has been very good with you.

As soon as you get up he does too and presumably does things?

He doesn't lie in bed all day and leave you. What more do you want?

enchantment I love my sling! Unfortunately she's only happy in it as long as I keep walking, so vegetable chopping doesn't work out.

i get you, it used to drive me insane that DP would do whatever directed but shows no initiative.

On my 'get ups' I'd sort the kitchen, get kids dressed/breakfasted sometimes out of the house, do an online shop etc.

His get ups seem to be 'let them chase each other shrieking through the house and wait for me to get up before he showers/nobody's dressed etc.

It's infuriating so I booked 8.30am swimming lessons for both of them on the day of my lie in

it gets easier, i hate coming down to a shit heap of mess and pots, no reason why he can't get up and do it, and as for getting up at the crack of dawn to go to work, that's his choice, you don't have one.

YANBU

Just to be extra-specially clear:

1. I get it. I'm leaving him to his lie ins!
2. I was never demanding he did housework in that time. It's what I would do, but I've been saying something for himself since the OP.
3. I can't express as she refuses a bottle.

Oh, and I guess:

1. It's me who has the cold, not him!

My baby is like that too, I march on the spot if she is in the sling and I need to chop.

I know what that tiredness feels like. One time I gave out to dh and told him the smell of his shampoo was keeping me awake. We were on different floors. I honestly told him he had to wear a shower cap from now on. It's funny now. But I also roared at an ice cream man that his music was waking me up. That fucker, I am not sorry about that but it's really awful being that tired. I hope you both get some rest soon.

OP don't worry about all the critical responses. You should have braced yourself for those! This is Mumsnet afterall. But if it makes you feel better, I was raging with my DH when I had 2 under 2, if he couldn't be home for 6.30pm to help with bath I'd literally lose it.

I also totally recognise the frustration that your DH overlooks simple things like cleaning up or putting a wash on perhaps. That drove me up the wall too. YANBU.

You are exhausted, you need extra help, you would like your husband to help and support you. He's not helping as much as you need, so you are resentful. I get it! Can you talk about getting a cleaner in or a mothers help? As others have said, this is all down to sleep deprivation. As soon as you get some sleep you'll forgive him everything, well, most things again.

Could you not pass the baby to your DP once you get up and tell him that you need an hour or 2 of solid sleep?

It's great that he's doing loads but being up all through the night with a new breastfeeding baby is TORTURE!

My DH did loads and worked 12 hour shifts after we had our 5th DC but he'd still give me a lay in when he could.

You're saying about time for himself, but maybe he wants to spend his time alone relaxing in bed? Maybe after a long week, he likes being able to relax on his phone, doze on/off, read a book or mess around on his laptop/tablet or whatever, knowing he doesn't have to be anywhere urgently.

I think he sounds hardworking, and at least he's on hand if you need anything, and gets up when you do, so he's not taking the piss by lying in bed until 3pm while you do everything.

Be kind to each other

You sound horrible!!

I assumed you meant you were getting up and he was laying in bed, in which case yanbu. However if he is in bed whole you are...yabu! Why shouldn't he? How do you know he is awake anyway?

Agree with ohtheholidays -can you not go back to bed on the weekend after feeding the baby? He can have a cuddle or go for a walk with the sling/pushchair.

Jesus, can people not RTFT, or at least the OP's updates?! She's admitted that she was wrong. She also sounds at the end of her tether, so endlessly berating her and calling her 'horrible' is hardly helpful.

OP, I've noticed that posts describing a partner who is actually an active participant in child-rearing and housework always attract huge vitriol on here. I think a lot of women have made peace with their shit partners by deciding that that's 'normal', and hate being reminded that, actually, they could have chosen much better.

I went to visit a friend over the weekend who had a baby about seven weeks ago.

She's struggling with the night feeds. She's tried expressing so her husband can give a bottle but the baby won't take it. She looks awful, she's clearly absolutely exhausted. The baby is feeding for hours at a time through the day as well.

I honestly cannot understand why anyone would choose to continue to BF in these circumstances. There is nothing wrong with formula. We used formula, we shared all the night feeds. I'd have been a banshee by six months if we hadn't.

I honestly thought when I read the op that it was another pisstake thread

I think yabu, sorry

I should add that she's only tried once with the bottle and refuses to persevere.