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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH's lie ins?

130 replies

isthatpoisontoo · 12/12/2016 12:31

I had a baby at the end of September, and DP has been brilliant. He was an amazing support during our week in hospital. He's totally accepted that I'm stuck under her breastfeeding for hours (we had so many feeding issues), and that she's a very needy baby (as more than one health professional has put it). He's taken over all the laundry, cooking, washing up and lots of the cleaning, in addition to his demanding full time job.

But one thing is pissing me off. Even though I'm doing all of the night wakings, he never gets up until I do at the weekend. He's moved out of the bedroom, although I think there's plenty of room for all of us in the superking. It would be so nice to come down to a clean kitchen, the cat fed, some shopping done, or even find him doing something for himself. Instead yesterday I came down with a crying hungry baby at ten o'clock, and tried to find something I could eat while feeding her that didn't involve milk or butter, since we were out of those. He came down after me, at which point he made a coffee, etc.

He always has a reason why he wasn't able to get up earlier: he couldn't reach his inhaler, and his chest was bad; he couldn't sleep for hours in the night; he has a virus. He has been ill a lot since she arrived (we once called out of hours about his asthma and they sent an ambulance) but he also characterises having a bad cold as being "really ill" so it's hard to say. I feel like if he really is sick he needs to find better ways to manage it, but packing him off to out of hours/ GP/ asthma nurse hasn't produced results. In any case, how come he can always get up when I do, but not before?

I'm getting so resentful about him getting these lovely long nights of sleep when I'm propping my eyelids open after being up with the baby several times in the night. Envy It's not just a nice eight hours, either, sometimes I've been in bed ten and a half hours (much of it awake) and he's still not got up!

In his defence, he still looks tired, and he gets limited amounts of sleep during the week because he gets up at 5.30 am to go to work. That's a choice, though, he could get in at 9 am like everyone else, he just likes to be in when the office is quiet. I don't get a choice about getting up to feed a crying baby, even when I'm sick.

AIBU about his weekend lie ins, or is he?

OP posts:
Bearfrills · 12/12/2016 12:53

When you have a small baby and you're tired it can be so easy to fall into arguments over who needs more sleep and who should get up and do what jobs and when. Competitive tiredness isn't doing either of you any favours.

Have you tried talking to him about it in a constructive way? Choose a time of the day when you're both reasonably awake and the baby is either asleep or settled quietly. Do the whole "I know we're both struggling with tiredness" bit and spell out for him exactly what you need from him in terms of helping you feel less tired then ask what he needs from you in order to achieve the same. You're doing all the feeding and majority of the care for a small baby, you're tired. He's working full time, long hours, and is also tired. Find a compromise.

The way DH and I work it out is that one us gets to lie in on a Saturday and the other gets to lie in on a Sunday. Because I do the cooking all week, he does it on a weekend. One evening a week I get an hour entirely to myself to use as I choose and he keeps the DC away, usually I lie on my bed and read or watch TV or I have a bath all alone without boats and ducks (doesn't sound much but we have three eying DC and an hour alone makes such a difference!), he gets the same too.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 12/12/2016 12:54

YABU. I agree with PPs. There's another thing you perhaps ought to know. Like your DH, I have asthma. When I complained, many years ago, that when my asthma was bad I felt exhausted my GP explained that just breathing uses about 20% of anyone's daily energy. If your chest is bad you're using double that, maybe even 50% of your energy. That's why your DH is so tired, and I think you could be more appreciative of his valiant efforts.

puglife15 · 12/12/2016 12:54

I wouldn't expect him to come down and tidy the kitchen necessarily but I would expect him to help in the night and/or give you a lie in in the morning at the weekend.

DickieBirdOut · 12/12/2016 12:55

Hmmm.

The OP is cat napping night and day. I suspect she is absolutely knackered!

The husband is pulling his weight, however if the OP occasionally had a decent nights sleep, then she might be able to do some of the housework as well.

HardLightHologram · 12/12/2016 12:56

Get your milk and butter from the milkman. It's more expensive but it means you never run out.

Clean the kitchen in the evening.

No reason why you can't do an online shop while feeding the baby.

You need to think smarter so you're not being resentful.

Huskylover1 · 12/12/2016 12:56

So he works FT, does all the chores at home, whilst being ill, and you want him to set an alarm at the weekend, so that when you get up, the kitchen is clean and no doubt your breakfast is ready? Wow. Do you care about him/his health at all?

StarryIllusion · 12/12/2016 12:56

So he is working a full time job, getting up at 5.30, all the housework, laundry, cooking etc despite having been ill and you begrudge him sleeping in on the weekends because you want the kitchen cleaned before you get up. Fuck that, he is your dh not a live in maid. You are presumably not working and home with the baby? Why don't you clean it, you live there too? You are having bad nights but you still have the option of sleeping during the day when the baby sleeps. He doesn't. YABU and very selfish and frankly if I were him, I'd do my fucking nut at you. That is way too controlling.

Madinche1sea · 12/12/2016 12:56

OP -I know having your first baby can be overwhelming, especially if they're tricky feeders. But you CAN snooze in the day. I had 4 DC with 2 year gaps and just accepted that the first 6 months would be "catnapping" here and there, rather than longer blocks of sleep. Night or day. You just have to go with it really. You can be a bit "out of it" in the day and in general with just one baby. It's the norm. There are no other children to deal with and unlike your DH, you don't have to go out to work and stay focused on that.
It's sounds like he's actually doing way more than most. My DH did none of the above (though he did hire cleaners and went to get my mother from Spain Grin).

ElspethFlashman · 12/12/2016 12:56

Yeah but if she's breastfeeding and has feeding issues then he can't do much at night, with the best will in the world. No point both being wrecked.

wizzywig · 12/12/2016 12:57

I know i will sound like a cow. Your first baby is a real shock to the system. Honestly a few months from now youll feel better. But yes he is doing his fair share. All that babys do is feed sleep poo and cry. You could always do online food shops whilst you are feeding. And if you are awake at crazy times, make use of it.
If the breastfeeding is leading to being knackered and feeling resentful then go to formula. Then you can share night feeds and you can organise the food

NavyandWhite · 12/12/2016 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waitingforsomething · 12/12/2016 12:59

yabvvvvu. sorry. sleep deprivation is hard, but still your DH has taken just about EVERYTHING else off your hands, in addition to full time work, so you can concentrate on feeding your baby. He also gets up when you do - not later - to get the day started at the same time.
My DH also took over everything while I concentrated on our newborns and I encouraged him to lie in at least one day of the weekend. I certainly didn't expect him to get up before me to do housework on the weekends...
Your DH cannot help you feed the baby, he cannot do night feeds if you are EBF so you shouldn't resent him sleeping, especially as he's doing everything else.

DotForShort · 12/12/2016 13:02

YABU. By your own account he is doing a great deal at home in addition to working full time. Why should he get up early on the weekends too? You mentioned that you'd like him to be up earlier to do housework (which he apparently does when he is up) or "doing something for himself." Why? The lie-in is something for himself, after all.

Would you consider expressing so he can do the night feeding sometimes?

CottonSock · 12/12/2016 13:03

I understand your frustration op, but think you need to let it go. I'm in a similar position and sometimes feel resentful of dh's sleep too. We are human...

Could you both sort kitchen in evening so less stress, and online grocery delivery ordered whilst feeding baby.

I have snapped at my dh about his lie ins, but we have a toddler too and I think expecting him to get up for her is entirely reasonable (willing to be told otherwise)

Original poster
isthatpoisontoo · 12/12/2016 13:03

I have my answer. Thank you for the replies.

I'm having a bit of a think about why I've been getting resentful about this. I think cheekyfunkymonkey and havnosocks are right about the sleep deprivation having an effect on me! Also that I have so much sitting/lying around time that I can't see the appeal. Last night she drifted off to sleep and DP told me he was off to load the dishwasher and I could have a rest. I explained that some upright, baby-free time would be a treat for me, and he should have a rest. I think maybe we're both trying to give each other what we want ourselves. If extra hours lurking in bed when not asleep make him happy, I suppose I don't have to understand it.

I think you might be right, beauty about him trying to get more time with us. I hadn't thought of that. Explains why he goes to work so early, too. She feeds so often atm that there's not much point in him taking her down in the mornings, as she's refused the bottle.

Thank you everyone. I shall continue to leave him be in his bed!

OP posts:
Vixxfacee · 12/12/2016 13:03

Poor guy.

toffeeboffin · 12/12/2016 13:05

As wizzy says, how about formula feeding? Maybe during the nights?

NavyandWhite · 12/12/2016 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisjustinno · 12/12/2016 13:07

Please don't say anything to him about this. You are being unreasonable.

mouldycheesefan · 12/12/2016 13:08

Could you switch to formula then he could do some night feeds? We split the night feeds between us. Or he looks after baby whilst you back to bed. Doesn't sound like he is getting much time with baby he is the back up cre doing the housework.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/12/2016 13:08

He needs to make sure he can reach his inhaler as it can't help if he can't pick it up!

user1471545174 · 12/12/2016 13:09

Think of him having NO lying-about time and having to be top of his game at work, all day and every day, then not being allowed a lie-in at the weekend. What's hard to understand, OP?

HermioneJeanGranger · 12/12/2016 13:09

Firstly, congratulations on your baby! Flowers

But in the nicest possible way, you're being unreasonable. He's up at 5.30am for work to support you, and then coming home and doing all the housework, on top of being ill to the point of being sent to hospital in an ambulance! I think he's entitled to a lie-in at the weekends.

I know you're shattered from breastfeeding, but try not to get into the competitive tiredness routine. Be nice to each other. He can't help you with the feeds, but he IS doing everything else. Why should get up early on the weekends when he doesn't have to?

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/12/2016 13:09

Don't worry, poison - it will pass! I remember almost hallucinating with tiredness. For the first three months, I lived in a hazy state of suspended reality! I remember wheeling DS around the supermarket in circles, having no idea why I was there or what I needed. I don't think, until you have a newborn, you ever really know true exhaustion. Hope she settles soon.

3luckystars · 12/12/2016 13:11

You are very tired I understand. But your husband is too. My friend has asthma and after an attack she is worn out for a long time after it. He is probably just as tired as you are and has to go to work every day.