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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH's lie ins?

130 replies

isthatpoisontoo · 12/12/2016 12:31

I had a baby at the end of September, and DP has been brilliant. He was an amazing support during our week in hospital. He's totally accepted that I'm stuck under her breastfeeding for hours (we had so many feeding issues), and that she's a very needy baby (as more than one health professional has put it). He's taken over all the laundry, cooking, washing up and lots of the cleaning, in addition to his demanding full time job.

But one thing is pissing me off. Even though I'm doing all of the night wakings, he never gets up until I do at the weekend. He's moved out of the bedroom, although I think there's plenty of room for all of us in the superking. It would be so nice to come down to a clean kitchen, the cat fed, some shopping done, or even find him doing something for himself. Instead yesterday I came down with a crying hungry baby at ten o'clock, and tried to find something I could eat while feeding her that didn't involve milk or butter, since we were out of those. He came down after me, at which point he made a coffee, etc.

He always has a reason why he wasn't able to get up earlier: he couldn't reach his inhaler, and his chest was bad; he couldn't sleep for hours in the night; he has a virus. He has been ill a lot since she arrived (we once called out of hours about his asthma and they sent an ambulance) but he also characterises having a bad cold as being "really ill" so it's hard to say. I feel like if he really is sick he needs to find better ways to manage it, but packing him off to out of hours/ GP/ asthma nurse hasn't produced results. In any case, how come he can always get up when I do, but not before?

I'm getting so resentful about him getting these lovely long nights of sleep when I'm propping my eyelids open after being up with the baby several times in the night. Envy It's not just a nice eight hours, either, sometimes I've been in bed ten and a half hours (much of it awake) and he's still not got up!

In his defence, he still looks tired, and he gets limited amounts of sleep during the week because he gets up at 5.30 am to go to work. That's a choice, though, he could get in at 9 am like everyone else, he just likes to be in when the office is quiet. I don't get a choice about getting up to feed a crying baby, even when I'm sick.

AIBU about his weekend lie ins, or is he?

OP posts:
toptoe · 12/12/2016 14:32

A lie in each at the weekend is what we do.

Ask him if he'd do this so you get some unbroken sleep. He gets it on saturday, you get it on sunday. He can bring baby to you when you need to feed her on your lie in day.

Also, at night, he can bring baby to you some nights so you get a bit more rest between feeds.

HoridHenryrules · 12/12/2016 14:36

Why is she not having a lie in that is the beauty of breastfeeding. I would have 2 bananas beside my bed for the morning and a glass of water. I love my lie ins I ain't moving for love or money.

KayTee87 · 12/12/2016 14:44

I think you're exhausted. Will the baby take a bottle of expressed milk so you can get a break? That way you may be less resentful. I do think your dh is doing enough and you probably know this too but sleep deprivation is making you unreasonable.
Try to get out the house for a brisk 30 minute walk every day and join some mum & baby clubs if you can.
This too shall pass Flowers

Frouby · 12/12/2016 14:47

Yanbu.

I would have given my left nipple to leave the house at 5.30am when ds was small and attached to my breast permanently for 6 months.

I remember when he started going a few hours between feeds especially if I wasn't in sniffing distance. DP, despite working away all week in a very physically demanding job with 12 hour shifts and a drive back from london to Yorkshire on a friday offered to take him downstairs one morning while I went back to sleep. It was pure fucking bliss. I slept for 3 hours and came down to a clean kitchen, a clean and dressed baby and even the dog had been for her walk.

Just to walk down and sit and drink a coffee without having to think 'I need to do those pots and walk the dog soon' made me feel like a new woman. Ds is 3 tomorrow and we still split lie ins. And I still love them so much. It's the luxury of pulling the covers over your head and leaving someone else to do the shit work I think.

The OPs DH might work full time. But at least he clocks off at some point. In the early days you just dont get a break. I cuddled a newborn last week and had a flashback to just how many hours I had spent doing the same. It's exhausting in a way ft work isn't. And I say that as someone who has done some pretty stressful, physically and mentally demanding 12 or 14 hour shifts.

Lorelei76 · 12/12/2016 14:48

Frouby "I would have given my left nipple to leave the house at 5.30am when ds was small and attached to my breast permanently for 6 months. "

but you are more keen on the right, so would not have given that...? Grin

KayTee87 · 12/12/2016 14:49

Sorry op I missed you saying your baby wouldn't take a bottle.

Frouby · 12/12/2016 14:51

Ds was more keen on the left one Lorelei. Which meant the left was a bit mangled at about 4 weeks. The right one was ok. And my right boob is slightly odd shaped and definitely needs a nipple to even it up a bit. 😁

Helpme9 · 12/12/2016 14:51

YABVU but you've just had a baby. I would say he is more than pulling his weight. If you are asthmatic a cold is very ill. For those that the control isn't very good it can cause major problems. I have an asthmatic in my house whose asthma is technically under control and we've had to call an ambulance and it's terrifying. He's up early during the week so it's only the weekends he sleeps in? Give him a break and then perhaps get some help on the feeding front. How old is baby? What about speaking with a Hv or breastfeeding counsellor. There is no point Him being awake when you're feeding to watch? I had a difficult Bfeeding experience and it made me exhausted and unreasonable. I'm not saying you should but maybe 1 feed of a bottle around 10-11pm that he can do might give you a break and a chance to sleep!

Helpme9 · 12/12/2016 14:52

PS snack for the morning beside bed helps

hoddtastic · 12/12/2016 15:04

my take on this is on at least one of the days is he needs to be taking baby down- sorting the mess out in the kitchen (he could maybe do it the night before or take the baby so the OP can get some time away) and then whip out for the papers and some nice breakfast (or OP needs to do online shopping to arrive Friday so they have stuff in and can eat and not have to spend half a day twatting round in Aldi.

I had a bottle refuser, nearly drove me insane.

midlifehope · 12/12/2016 15:06

Sorry, if he is working and taking on loads of housework and he is ill, then you are being v unfair. Presumably you could nap in the day when the baby does to catch up. Sleep deprivation is really hard, but so is working + household stuff which is what he is doing.... The first stages are terribly hard on everyone, but don't take it out on your dh......

Goingtobeawesome · 12/12/2016 15:09

icy - by name and nature.

OP, hang in there. Nothing lasts forever and the crippling tiredness of a newborn doesn't either.

MakeItStopNeville · 12/12/2016 15:18

Jeeze, I remember the days a new mum would get support rather than getting ripped to shreds on here. A gentle "you're being abitu but we get it" would do, rather than people making crass presumptions about the OPs mental health.

OP, I know it's different for everyone, but I personally felt it was really important DH and I stayed in the same bed. He could still sleep through the feedings (he wore ear plugs for a bit! Grin ) but I felt much more emotionally supported having him next to me. Congrats on the baby!

MargaretCavendish · 12/12/2016 15:21

Am I the only one who noticed that the OP has already said that she's not coming back to the thread?! Why are people still giving the same advice over and over?!

minipie · 12/12/2016 15:24

I think it depends on how much you're up in the night.

2 or 3 fairly brief night wakings = totally normal and YABU.

Waking every 45 min, or waking every 2 hours but requiring 1 hour to get back to sleep each time = YANBU, you will be beyond exhausted and he needs to give you a few hours' rest at some point.

I think a lot of the YABU replies on this thread are from people who have never had a baby who did not sleep at all. They are thinking of "normal newborn" broken sleep ie 2 or 3 fairly short wake ups to feed and fall back asleep. Not the insanity of being woken every 45 min or up for hours at a time several times a night.

I can't really tell from your posts which type your baby is...

Moreisnnogedag · 12/12/2016 15:40

Aah don't take it personally. You've taken this thread really well. I can also remember how earth shatteringly tired I was during the early months - it honestly does get better Flowers

Like a previous poster, I remember how trivial things took on monumental proportions due to sleep deprivation. Will your DD sleep in one of those automatic rocker things?

Caper86 · 12/12/2016 15:47

At the weekend you could give him the baby when he gets up and go and have a nap yourself. I don't think you're being hugely unreasonable to be fair. Nightfeeds are a ball ache and you deserve a lie in without a baby attached to you.

Sparrowlegs248 · 12/12/2016 15:52

Blimey. I also think yabu. I have ebf ds, who at 7 weeks old was waking every 40 minutes.

You're coming downstairs after 10?! Obviously you're not getting a full nights sleep but still, 10?!?! And he's doing everything else? I know it's hard op, but really, yabu. Ds is up for the day before 5....

HoridHenryrules · 12/12/2016 16:13

When I had my first child my hv regularly checked on me either called or visited. These days you get 2 to 3 visits and maybe one more of its your first. Being a new mother does play on your emotions maybe talking to someone about how she feels may help. I remember the first year 12 years ago I cried everyday my mental health was bad. Talking to anyone about your feelings helps. I spoke to a woman last year who just had a baby and she is on antidepressants. PND is not something to be ashamed about but most people don't realise they have it and it's horrible when you feel like that. You love your partner and your baby but you can't help but think negatively about the people around you when they are doing all they can. Maybe the op is suffering from PND most mothers do.

ElornaElephant · 12/12/2016 16:46

Okay guys, pipe down and RTFT. The OP has gracefully accepted all responses when I'm sure she's feeling exhausted.

I have asthma, which was uncontrolled for a period earlier this year when I had a cold which turned into viral pneumonia (pushing myself too hard) - it was absolutely knackering just being, I spent a lot of time sitting or lying down which I'm sure is how your DH feels! But I also have a 3 year old who was a very very demanding baby like your DD, so I know just how knackering that is too. Keep supporting eachother - you'll get through this.

Chewie1986 · 12/12/2016 16:59

Why's he getting up for work at 5.30 if he doesn't need to be in until 9?

that's 3.5 hours.

Could be having an affair.

OnionKnight · 12/12/2016 17:09

So he can get home earlier Chewie Hmm

hoddtastic · 12/12/2016 17:54

or so he can nap in his office, drink a coffee in peace, opt out of parenting in the morning... ;)

Empress13 · 12/12/2016 17:58

Do you EVER get out of bed OP

What a controlling person you are poor man has my sympathy!

Btw you can feed baby elsewhere than in bed !!!

HoridHenryrules · 12/12/2016 18:29

I think that is a little unfair Empress who has all their faculties after having a baby.