to dread opening a present from DH?

[olddogsnewtricks]

For various reasons I usually only get one present at Christmas - small family, friends don't do presents, my parents normally get us a joint present, something practical. DH always gets me a present and it is usually something really bad - not bad in itself, but something that I have either said I don't want or nothing personal. (One year he got the same bottle of perfume for his aunt, me and a colleague). Basically his presents make me feel unloved and I have said I would rather not get anything than go through the embarassment of trying to pretend I like it - last year I felt completely humiliated as I burst into tears. I know this is a first world problem - and if it was anyone else I would just suck it up but I find it so upsetting that the person who I feel should know me (if not best than at least a bit) gets things so wrong.

He'd twelve months to prepare his thinking for Christmas, so it's pathetic. Particularly insulting to get you what he got others. No excuse.
I'd tell him how it makes you feel, and that you'd rather have nothing than to be insulted by thoughtlessness.

How does he get to choose the slippers he WANTS and you don't get extended the same courtesy?

I've been on the receiving end of some rather thoughtless gifts from EX DH , one year I got a microwave for the entire family to use? I had spent time, effort and put in lots of thought for his gift, which was something just for him (watch he'd been admiring for ages) ...oh, another year I got some rechargeable batteries, which he used??

We buy own own presents now. Give them to the other to wrap and the kids hand them to the right parent.

I was as guilty as he was at shit presents. Much happier all round.

How does he get to choose the slippers he WANTS and you don't get extended the same courtesy?

Exactly! It's one thing someone being sh1t at presents, but it sounds as if he goes out of his way to give you the opposite to what you hav requested.

I'm the crap present one on our house, so it's certainly not a gender thing. I always get a brilliant surprise (not expensive but very thoughtful) from DH and the pressure that I feel to come up with the goods is huge. Gift-giving means a lot to him, it is a way to signal his affection whereas I much prefer things getting done rather than bought for me. He bought some hardboard once for a bed I was making and got it all cut to size while I was at work and to me, that is genuinely one of the most romantic things I've ever had happen. I hope he's accepted that the itunes voucher comes with love because I've not got a clue what else to get him.

I got my dh to buy me something I saw at a Craft Fair. Win win. If he's deliberately doing it, you need to explain why it's not OK to buy generic perfume or something you've asked him not to buy. He could have been brought up thinking that's your way of hinting what you really want. If a little chat doesn't work then I'd seriously question how much he respects you.

Just tell him what you want. Men aren't good at playing the present game. Particularly as you've now set it up as something he can fail at. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you.

The OP did tell him what she wanted. He ignored it and bought her the thing she didn't want. That is not being set up to fail, is it? That is getting it wrong despite very clear instructions.

Getting back to the OP, have you get a friend you could get on his case? Just to haul him round half a dozen shops in an hour and buy you SOMETHING that isn't an insult? I mean, it's not rocket science, is it? I remember seeing a florid-looking businessman type in M&S at Marble Arch one Christmas, looking very pleased with himself. He was carrying a crimson satin nighty and negligee and I remember thinking 'There's a guy who's going to have a good Christmas'.

OP know how you feel. I've asked for two small specific items and nothing else. My dh has given me some beautiful, sensitive hand made presents in the past that have made me feel cherished but some years he also gets it spectacularly wrong.

Last year one one of those years, antique bracket but it was way to small and had to be kept dry. I set too much emotional store on the gifts by far and last year spent all day feeling unloved, which wasn't exactly the spirit any of us were going for. Yes I was being a completely entitled sulky child, the thought was lovely, but I couldn't shake it. So this year have removed myself from situation with a small specific gift list.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's easy to feel you can measure your dh affections by the calibre of their gift giving but if you know how they feel about you every other day and gift selection isn't their strength, why make the most looked forward/pressured day of the year the day to assess them.

......I have bought my present, wrapped it all he needs to do is sign the tag and pay for it. It's not romantic...but atleast I won't get old lady presents or a dishwasher freshener like last year (he thought it was hilarious, I didn't!!)

After I asked for a really nice watch and got a Nike Sports watch instead (and had been given a copy of a Jeremy Clarkson book the previous year) I set up a "wish list" on ebay at the beginning of December. DH now has to get me something from that. I usually put about a dozen things on it so it is still a surprise but guaranteed to be something I want.
I had the advantage of 2 tweenies who were able to tell their father just what they thought of his lousy present buying and to keep him on track ever since.

My STBX (he who shall not be divorced) used to do that.
X: I want you to have Z.
Me: Please don't buy me Z, I have no want or need for Z.
X: Ta-da! Have a Z. It's a really posh one.
Me: Thanks but I don't want a Z.
X: But I can never get anything right!!!!
(Keeps buying me different varieties of Z ad nauseam).

This was part of a wide range of antics and behaviour (mixed with also being nice). Took me a while to work out it was 'slightly' passive aggressive and a good way to make me feel ungrateful.

Buy your own?What a daft suggestion. Her whole point is that the one person who should make an effort once a year doesn't. I understand what you mean. My husband is not great at buying presents and for a few years all I got was a voucher for the local shopping centre .....easy and thoughtless in my book....until I put my foot down. Things are greatly improved in that I give him a list and he picks something for me from him and something else from the kids. But I cried over this on more than one occasion and feel your pain. It wasnt even that he didn't spend much , he did , but pure thoughtless.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. When I first started seeing my DP we had a conversation about gift-giving, we both agreed that we hate giving vouchers as they are really impersonal..2 years later and my birthday present from him? Amazon vouchers.

I love buying him gifts and will spend ages looking for something I think he'll like and/or use. He gets to the day before, asks me what I want..then buys something completely different. For example at Christmas he asked if I wanted an ipad, I said no thank you..I have an android phone and would be more than happy with a cheaper android tablet. Most people would have been over the moon to open an ipad on Christmas day, I wanted to cry as I felt he hadn't listened to me. For me a gift is about the thought rather than the amount and he never seems to put in any thought. The one time he got me a pendant I LOVED turned out it was his teenage son who dragged him into the shop and picked it..otherwise I was getting a pair of walking boots!!??

I hate sounding grabby, as I said it's not about the amount..just knowing he'd spent a bit of time thinking about me would be enough.

Thought of this thread today - I said up thread DP and I buy presents for ourselves as we have very different ideas on what a good present is - then the other wraps it with the DCs and we pretend to be surprised. Has worked really well over the last few years - but not looking good this year!
I really don't know what to get myself for Christmas...nothing I really want and the couple of things I have thought of are expensive and I know will be half price in the January sales ... then thought what I want but don't need is a new set of bathroom scales - basic digital ones. The dial ones I have at the moment seemed to randomly fluctuate over half a stone. I need to lose weight and it is disheartening to see you have 'put on' half a stone - just to 'lose' it the next day or even later the same day. I know in the long run it will go down but I need the incentive to keep going.
DP asked me today what I'd got and he isn't impressed. For a start he thinks it is a rubbish present (but it is what I want!!!) and also just one present isn't enough...the DCs will think he is being mean. And he wants to get himself more presents...why don't I buy myself more stuff? I have enough stuff/clutter - there is nothing I want. What about at least a box of chocolates ...some food I like....
I really really need to lose weight (I have piled weight on - especially over the last 6 months - I am now classed as obese and my BP is high) I can live without more chocolates...(actually maybe 'he' (I) should get a personal trainer for 6 months or something...)

unlucky Why not?! "he" can get you a gym membership and some sessions with a personal trainer to make sure you get the most of it. My sister used to work at a fitness place and she said that 6 weeks with a PT is enough for them to find out what you want to focus on, what your fitness levels are and put together a program for you. Then do it again in a few months (when is your birthday?) to make sure that you are upping your exercise to keep up with your increased fitness.

If he really wants to go mad then a couple of nice gym outfits too!

Just wanted to mention that the person of my acquaintance who has bought to the most wonderful presents is also a vile abuser.

I had an interesting conversation with hubby last night as a result of reading this thread...his take on why he struggles to buy presents for people was that he's hugely practical and would buy something he would like...one Christmas I had a voucher for a skid-pan day - learn to drive on icy roads - oh yes ladies - I can now drive on ice!!!!

So, I've learnt my lesson and I'll stick to emailing my wish list!

DizzyBlonde, what's an antique bracket? sounds like my sort of thing.

I have the same problem, but my hubby knows he's rubbish at it, and usually tells me before xmas as he's scared I won't like it. I too get upset that he doesn't know me well enough after 23 years together! The only good thing about my last boyfriend was that he would buy me about 20 gifts, little things, that I loved.. books, cds, etc. It's not the money, it's choosing something I'd like. I always take ages choosing carefully for people, and have ended up hating xmas until all pressies are bought. Right now there is an enormous present under the tree for me, it's been there for the last 10 days, I know he'll end up telling me what it is 😞 Rant over

I feel your pain, I have specifically told my DH not to buy me perfume as I have enough.
He really seems to have no idea what else to buy me, which I find rather disappointing. We went out together at the weekend and he wanted to buy me Jewellery but we didn't like the same stuff so I ended up with something simple which at least I will like and wear .
I don't think it is asking too much for him to make the effort to go out and shop for me when I do it for everyone else in the family ..
We will see what appears under the tree

I would ask him before Christmas why in past he's got you stuff you have specifically said you don't want. Tell him how sad it makes you. Tell him this year what you don't want and that if he gets that he should keep receipt as you will return it to shop. Also give him suggestions of what you would like. Be very clear and calm

My DH is very hit n miss, and it's all last minute but that's just him. He was ever thus. I, on other hand, agonise over what to get him, and sometimes feel he is disappointed cos he's very high maintenance and it's sometimes not quite what he wants. He says he doesn't mind, but I do feel deflated if he doesn't like what I've found.

But the main ones are the boys!!

Yes, it's not a gender thing. I have a female family member I've known for 20+ years who buys crap generic gifts with zero thought for what the recipient might actually like, or worse, buys eg cheap synthetic knitted shite for me when she knows I am a knitter/sewer myself.

Having said that, Dh is also a terrible gift-giver so I do sympathise, especially since I'm one of the other type - I love searching for exactly the right presents for people and put massively too much a lot of effort into it.

I completely get that it feels hurtful to receive something impersonal and/or random from the man who ought to know you best of all.

Why not tell him not to bother with presents , and if he does open it in private or not at all.
Is he deliberately buying you something you have asked not too get, or just plain forgetful?
I would def consider buying ur own gift though .
My husband is also rubbish at presents he either leaves it till 24th or gets my eldest daughter to get it.
I am not too fussed though, it's just a present if I want better I buy it myself.