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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dread opening a present from DH?

252 replies

olddogsnewtricks · 12/12/2016 09:06

For various reasons I usually only get one present at Christmas - small family, friends don't do presents, my parents normally get us a joint present, something practical. DH always gets me a present and it is usually something really bad - not bad in itself, but something that I have either said I don't want or nothing personal. (One year he got the same bottle of perfume for his aunt, me and a colleague). Basically his presents make me feel unloved and I have said I would rather not get anything than go through the embarassment of trying to pretend I like it - last year I felt completely humiliated as I burst into tears. I know this is a first world problem - and if it was anyone else I would just suck it up but I find it so upsetting that the person who I feel should know me (if not best than at least a bit) gets things so wrong.

OP posts:
HandbagCrab · 13/12/2016 10:19

If there is any point to love languages surely it's to look at them, recognise what you find easy and what works and develop the areas you find harder and are not working in your relationship. Not to say 'Awh, men, what are they like with their crap present buying, we must be speaking different love languages'.

I assume the perfume was on 342 that op didn't want or like. And I think the sister who received two cookbooks she already had from the man who lived with her and her existing cookbooks had every right to be pissed off.

pklme · 13/12/2016 10:37

Gymno absolutely not, cos it's about him not you.

YY to using love languages to work out how to communicate better with each other. I didn't bring it up as a way to excuse him, but as a way for OP to check how she feels, how he feels, and see if they can find a compromise that works for them. In other words, if he is rubbish at gifts it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about her and she should LTB. But it might.

My DH started absolutely rubbish at gift buying, and is getting slightly less rubbish.

I think it's obvious from the different response on here that we don't all experience the presents we give and receive in the same way.
Some of the suggestions sound like a very complicated way of doing your own shopping. If he isn't going to think about it, obtain it and wrap it, then what is the point? Buying it yourself, giving it to him to wrap... Sending him the link... Two out of three isn't bad, I suppose...

GloriaGaynor · 13/12/2016 11:59

Batmansunderpants That's such a sad story! The obvious thing is to stop buying your husband presents and buy yourself some instead. Wrap them up and put them under the tree. I often buy myself Christmas presents - not because I don't get nice ones from other people, but just because it's fun.

Original poster
olddogsnewtricks · 13/12/2016 12:09

The perfume was not wanted because I had been given perfume for my birthday twice in a row (I don't wear a lot of perfume) so I had said, "please, anything but perfume" and sent him a link to a book on Amazon that I wanted. So him getting me perfume was particularly annoying. It also wasn't a personal present as he got the same for others! (Last minute Christmas Eve buy).

OP posts:
StarlingMurderation · 13/12/2016 13:53

I'd be extremely annoyed if my DP bought me the same present and someone else, unless I'd specifically asked for it. For one thing, I'd be annoyed that he'd spent as much on his colleague as he had on me - surely most people have a spending heirarchy, with DP much higher than random colleague? It's like he thought, "I need to buy presents for three women, perfume is a present for women, sorted."

Poppytime · 13/12/2016 14:16

I completely get why you are upset OP. The fact you said specifically not to get you perfume and even gave a link to a book you wanted, and he still bought you perfume...it's either completely disrespectful and he actually doesn't care what you think or he is completely unaware - not sure which is worse, both have the same consequence anyway, you feel uncared for - you really need to speak to him more about this...sorry OP CakeFlowers

exaltedwombat · 13/12/2016 17:41

Just tell him what you want. Men aren't good at playing the present game. Particularly as you've now set it up as something he can fail at. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you.

CaptainDaydream · 13/12/2016 17:50

We don't buy each other gifts/cards at all. Not for Christmas, birthdays, valentines, anniversary etc.

I hate it. It would be nice to have a husband who knew me and made the effort.

You are not alone op. I'd rather have nothing than a 'oh shit I forgot to get her something, oh that will do' gift.

specialsubject · 13/12/2016 17:58

This thread is full of martyrdom and manhate. And I also think that blubbing over the wrong present is playground behaviour. Sounds like the men concerned don't see why they should spend ages stuck indoors in stinky hot shops when daylight hours are so few at this time of year. Very wise.

do these apparently awful husbands pull their weight at home and otherwise? Are they up to spec as per the 'listen up' thread? If so, good for them for not wasting time, resources and cash. If not, sort it by discussing like adults or end it rather than getting worked up over smelly wasteful xmas tat.

otherwise, stop hanging yourselves out to dry. Stop the exchange of crap, decide what you would like as a treat and if budget allows, buy it.

although I suspect that most on here have all the sparkly/smelly/lacy stuff they could ever want or need, and just need to recognise that it is time to stop.

jessycake · 13/12/2016 18:01

I buy my own from him or tell him specifically what I want and often wrap them up from him too . Honestly I know its not the same as having one of those romantic ,thoughtful hubbies who choose lovely gifts , but you are in good company.

YorkiesGlasses · 13/12/2016 18:07

He gets to choose his own present but you don't?!

You need to copy his approach. Tell him you want to choose your own present. If you want to press home the point, buy him a cheap bottle of aftershave for his gift.

And then accept that romantic gift giving is off the table for you, and just treat yourself. I've done that this year, I've bought my favourite chocolates, a book I want to read, a bottle of perfume I want, a Frasier boxset, and a couple of other bits! I'm looking forward to it.

Fairenuff · 13/12/2016 18:11

he wants a pair of slippers of Christmas and he wants to choose them himself

So get him a shirt. The exact same shirt that you also get for your uncles. See how he likes them apples.

Shona52 · 13/12/2016 18:12

Save here I have to practical tell my DH what to get me. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me he's just total useless at buying gifts. Kinda use to it now and at least I get something I really want

Advicewouldbelovelyta · 13/12/2016 18:21

My hubby works 12 hour days mon-fri so I get my Christmas presents and he just wraps them :) lol

galaxygirl45 · 13/12/2016 18:23

DH has got a shocking present history - now I whatsapp him a list, we decide on an amount we're spending and he sticks to that. Usually at 4pm on Christmas Eve but he knows now that I'd rather go without than get another set of bath towels from Waitrose.............

mummyB1 · 13/12/2016 18:36

That's shit my dp isn't very good either some Christmas n Birthday I've not had a present at all not even from the kids that he has bought it really hurts I love buying gifts for him one year I bought him a dab CD player an hinted if it was something he still wanted to which it was but a portable one so I swapped it for the one he preferred only to moan that he would of liked the first one Angry id love surprise gifts something he has really put thought into

Crumbs1 · 13/12/2016 18:51

In January host a sillyngames evening that includes a rubbish present game. Tell everyone to bring their most awful presents wrapped up again. The last game of the evening is a dice game. All presents in middle. Throw dice in turns - a 6 you pick a wrapped present - keep going until all gone.
Round 2 throw dice and on scoring 6 you have to grab presents from some one else (still wrapped). Then unwrap and show everyone the awful item. Round 3 throw dice in turns again and again on 6 you can grab a present you want. It's great fun and your husband will see that nobody wants the crap present he bought you without anyone getting mean.

Jayfee · 13/12/2016 18:53

Oh dear. My husband and I are soul mates but he used to buy such awful presents that I always got upset and he ended up terrified of buying anything.
E.g. My first child was 9 months old when he bought me an adult sized babygrow like sleep thing from Marks. And it was that fleecy stuff. It said it should be brushed after washing to restore the pile?? zor the brightvpink dressing gown with diamante motif. Or the Sanatogen bath stuff...I was 35 years old. So this year I picked out a watch from Argos as mine is very tatty and he has bought that. So have a look on Amazon, pick something and be happy.

Genuinelysickofit · 13/12/2016 18:58

I got 4 ferrero rochers for my birthday

PuppetInParadize · 13/12/2016 19:01

I've been married to an awful present giver (but kind, well-meaning man) for almost 30 years. Like many others, I get myself one or two little things I actually want - often a paperback and some chocolate. When the DC were small I'd put in beside the tree like their loot and DH's gift from me. Then after the DC started to get me presents I wouldn't wrap it up but I knew where it was for later. Plus it looks a bit odd to be opening a present from yourself - also for DH's sake as he is well-meaning just clueless and I don't want him to feel bad. Last year I gave DH the title of a novel which had just come out in PB. Of course he often doesn't listen and on Christmas Day he gave me the right book but in HB. He asked if it was okay, so I mentioned I'd prefer the PB version, and he took it back, got a refund of the difference and brought the PB home. I haven't mentioned the book hasn't been read yet but that another thread. One about clutter and having a hUGE still to read pile. Blush

Tryingtobegood10 · 13/12/2016 19:01

My ex is the same, compleatly rubbish at gifts!!! His mother is great at gifts but him and his brothers never get each other anything! We still buy each other gifts now "from our daughter" and I'v said every year not to buy me smellies! I'v told my daughter, don't let daddy get me smellies but every time he runs in to boots and picks somthing at random!! I even asked for perfume or jewellery last year not even fussy about what (knowing it would come from argos) but nope I got a statue, years ago it made me very sad but now i'v seen that's just the type of man he is and will never change

SassyPants19 · 13/12/2016 19:09

My hubby gets so stressed out by the pressure of buying the perfect gift for me and I can't bear to see him stewing on it, so after 17yrs of being together I now email him with a variety of things that I would love...and he buys from the list. But if I'm honest, I would absolutely love for him to surprise me.

Bunnyfuller · 13/12/2016 19:22

I've accepted: no surprise or shit surprise, after the infamous 'lovely new saucepan set' Christmas. Just tell him op, it's not that he doesn't love you, just shit at presents.

chocolateworshipper · 13/12/2016 19:24

I create a wish list on Amazon and send him the link. Then I tell my eldest DD about some other things I want and she tells him, pretending that they were her ideas, which satisfies his need to buy me some "surprise" presents as well! He's happy because it's all so easy, and I get what I want. Win-win.

GloriaGaynor · 13/12/2016 19:27

This thread is full of martyrdom and manhate

Gawd, there's always one...

Swipe left for the next trending thread