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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dread opening a present from DH?

252 replies

olddogsnewtricks · 12/12/2016 09:06

For various reasons I usually only get one present at Christmas - small family, friends don't do presents, my parents normally get us a joint present, something practical. DH always gets me a present and it is usually something really bad - not bad in itself, but something that I have either said I don't want or nothing personal. (One year he got the same bottle of perfume for his aunt, me and a colleague). Basically his presents make me feel unloved and I have said I would rather not get anything than go through the embarassment of trying to pretend I like it - last year I felt completely humiliated as I burst into tears. I know this is a first world problem - and if it was anyone else I would just suck it up but I find it so upsetting that the person who I feel should know me (if not best than at least a bit) gets things so wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
olddogsnewtricks · 12/12/2016 18:13

But my father is an Oxford educated academic

So is my DH - perhaps there is a correlation!

OP posts:
SnorkelParka · 12/12/2016 18:27

You need to remind him today that you cried when you got your present last year, that it means a lot to you, and that you expect to get a thoughtful present from him and for him to help the kids get or make you some presents, so that you have a minimum of four presents under the tree. He should get advice from someone if he doesn't know what to get you. I would go ballistic if it happened again, full on tantrum/cold shoulder, whatever your style is. But tell him how thoughtless he is being.

SnorkelParka · 12/12/2016 18:29

Oh and I think I might be heading for a similar situation this year, as DH asked for several expensive things that I got him, I did not ask for much, but one thing was an expensive household item (that we will both use) and I don't think he has got the other things. Now he keeps apologising in advance for not having bought much. I am feeling a bit resentful already...

3luckystars · 12/12/2016 18:34

Kitty catty is your dh Italian? They often give the woman they love red presents for Christmas.

KittyCatty20 · 12/12/2016 19:43

3luckystars. No! I wish I could put it down to something like that but he is a Viking! Interested to see what this year brings Wink

topcat2014 · 12/12/2016 19:48

We (ie DW& I) no longer by stuff shite for each other for Christmas. Instead it is events we go for - just things like meals, concert tickets, etc. Gives something to look forward to as well.

I hate the pressure to buy suprises - and hate picking things for myself as well.

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2016 20:25

I think the way forward is to sit him down and tell him how much getting a present you want would mean to you. I'm appalled he deliberately ignores you and buys something crap: is he controlling, because it sounds deliberate and nasty, frankly.

Like other pps, we link items or just buy them ourselves, after years of shit presents (on both sides!) Mine arrived today, his has been here ages.

My DH has spent many years putting lots of effort into buying crap presents, we had a long chat. He is absolutely certain that you only buy gifts for people if it's something you would want yourself. I tried explaining that a present is about buying something that the person on the receiving end would like. Apparently I'm ridiculous, why would you buy anyone a present if you didn't like yourself, it would be a horrible thing to do.

Wow, so that puts any decent perfume/aftershave off the list, then, or any good books, given the DH and I won't read each other's books! Bonkers theory.

Gymnopedies · 12/12/2016 20:44

Empathy is the ability to feel what someone else feel.
If you have never had a headache, you will struggle to understand what having a headache feels like, so although you might feel sympathy you will have trouble feeling empathy. I think that people with low empathy struggle to understand the pain they can cause. Add to that a dose of selfishness and they simply don't care.
Putting them in the same situation so they can understand how one feels is the way forward IMO.

MrsBlennerhassett · 12/12/2016 20:58

my ex once bought me a holographic picture of a unicorn with a quote on it for christmas. It was hideous. I kept it and put it up tho because hed chosen it because it had a quote from a book he knew i liked on it. He had clearly tried really hard. Its not about how good the gift is but about just knowing that they thought of you to at least some extent. So i feel for you OP id be very hurt by your DPs seeming inability to think about what you might like. Its not a case of him trying and getting it wrong, it sounds as tho he isnt even trying at all.

MistressMolecules · 12/12/2016 21:24

My husband usually buys me gifts which are okish but not what I really want (I'm not the best when buying for him either I will admit). So this year we agreed to swap lists and we would each choose from the list to buy the other. He came back yesterday and said, hope you don't mind but I've not bought off your list. Grr! It wasn't a tricky list and all bar one could be bought on our local high street. Apparently what I put down are not really suitable as presents (a mirror that I liked, a particular jacket) I am ashamed to admit I sulked a lot little.

happychristmasbum · 12/12/2016 21:30

YANBU I would go ballistic over this.

What does he say when you bring his ineptitude to his attention? Why does he do it? I would feel very unvalued and unloved if my DP did this to me Xmas Sad

haveacupoftea · 12/12/2016 21:39

Tell him he hurt your feelings and if he does it again youre going to stay with a friend until he buys you a decent present. Make a big fuss once and he wont make the same mistake again. He isnt taking you seriously so show him you are serious.

Madinche1sea · 12/12/2016 21:50

This reminds me of a thread a couple of months back where somebody's DH bought her a pork pie for her birthday. That's all. And someone else's 'D' H actually got her a visit from 'Dynorod' because he thought she would like the drains cleaned Shock.

I would go ballistic too. How hard can it be fgs. I have to say my DH is fantastic at getting things I love, even clothes and lingerie or jewellery. To my knowledge, most men can manage this. To be fair though, this is all DH actually has to do at Xmas because I do everything else for the kids and his whole family inc all gift choosing, wrapping and entertaining / cooking. OP as you were crying last year you should expect him to be bending over backwards to get it right this Xmas.

Even though he should not need telling OP, you have to spell it out for him that you will be devastated if there is a repeat performance of last year. Surely this is not too much for him to grasp? You should not be feeling anxious about Xmas because of him!

BeccaAnn · 12/12/2016 22:22

this thread is making me nervous! its the first Xmas with my DP and I know he only likes practical presents (undies, socks, slippers, tools/ fixing things) so thats what I've got him.... as for me, he's seen my amazon wish list and I'll hope for the best! lol

although i did buy him some more Joop when he ran out, just popped it in the bathroom with a note saying I love you and he liked that.

gutrotweins · 12/12/2016 22:30

YABU

Getting crap presents is a laugh (can this year's be worse than last year's?!) I've had a man's fleece, the four pack of Pils, a cushioned bike saddle, begonia for the 40th... all nicely wrapped, of course.

Makes a good story and it's great ammunition for the rest of the year!

Lighten up and enjoy it. You know he loves you really!

Monochromecat · 12/12/2016 22:36

YABU. Adults who expect their partners to demonstrate their live through present buying. Crying over a present??? Isn't it time to grow up a bit?

Monochromecat · 12/12/2016 22:36

Love not live Smile

maddening · 12/12/2016 22:58

If he wants to choose his slippers arrange to go to town together - have a nice lunch and some nice drinks and go and get your pressies together - you don't get a surprise sure but you get some nice time together and with just the two presents to buy it is more of a jaunt for the two of you and you get a present you would like.

Original poster
olddogsnewtricks · 12/12/2016 23:01

Nice idea but he wants to get them from a shop near our house - it will be a very short outing! Grin

OP posts:
MommaGee · 12/12/2016 23:02

It isn't the present per se though is it which demonstrates love it's listening to someone, hearing their needs, wAnting to do something nice for them, actually thinking about them. All of which OP's not D husband can't be arsed to do

Monochromecat · 12/12/2016 23:04

Hearing their needs? Since when is a present a need?

deste · 12/12/2016 23:20

I feel your pain. Every year I ask everyone what they would like and I get it for them. So my DD is getting her jacket, my DS is getting Canadian Dollars, his fiancé Liz Earl and a gift voucher for sportswear, SIL is getting his walking boots, sister her Pandora. No-one asks me what I want. Don't get me wrong, I will end up with lots of really nice presents but not what I really want. I don't even want them to spend a lot on me either. Heated gloves for the cold. It's all I want but if I want them I will have to buy them myself. And before anyone says anything I know I'm lucky but it's the wasted money that doesn't need to be.

Postchildrenpregranny · 12/12/2016 23:26

The answer is to produce (girl) children who can be primed to tell daddy what mummy would like (and will even accompany him to choose it if required).
Dh is good at jewellry but not much else and I've really got all the jewellry I want.
He did one year buy me the perfume I stopped wearing when I gave it to DD1 as an 18th birthday present (I decided it was too young for me )It was about 5years later.Very distinctive packaging which he remembered (well at least he was trying).
He knows he'd get a frosty reception for household goods and I wasn't best please the year he bought me a huge and very fancy box of chocs (I felt like his PA)So I now just tell my daughters ...It's not lack of cares /thought,just an anxiety not to get it wrong. He never turns a hair at what I spend on myself or our girls .He does leave it last minute and gets the shop to wrap it (ever since the year he used taki-back-unpeeled-and got mocked remorselessly. .He has been known to resort to kitchen foil as well )I do sometimes buy myself something I actually need from the joint account and tell him he's given it to me (two very posh nighties this year)I usually wrap that...and write the gift tag.
But I know how you feel OP.its taken a while to get DH to see that it's the effort that counts

SailingThroughTime · 12/12/2016 23:28

Buy him a pipe. No tobacco or matches, just a pipe.

And buy yourself a lovely present and open that.

NiceFalafels · 13/12/2016 06:53

Mono - Our presents are often needs. What's the problem?