to dread opening a present from DH?

[olddogsnewtricks]

For various reasons I usually only get one present at Christmas - small family, friends don't do presents, my parents normally get us a joint present, something practical. DH always gets me a present and it is usually something really bad - not bad in itself, but something that I have either said I don't want or nothing personal. (One year he got the same bottle of perfume for his aunt, me and a colleague). Basically his presents make me feel unloved and I have said I would rather not get anything than go through the embarassment of trying to pretend I like it - last year I felt completely humiliated as I burst into tears. I know this is a first world problem - and if it was anyone else I would just suck it up but I find it so upsetting that the person who I feel should know me (if not best than at least a bit) gets things so wrong.

bogey I would if I thought it would work... but I hate being told what to do (I am a bit oppositional...do have ADHD). Someone 'ordering' me to do something - eg not eat crisps - might make me stuff 10 multipacks a day I know it is stupid but I really can't help it sometimes...something just takes over all logical thought - DD1 is the same.

PT dont tell you what to do, its not like boot camps, although some gyms do that too!

Its more working with them to find an exercise regime that suits you and and your goals. Maybe if you think of it that they are teaching you technique rather than telling you what to do that could work?

I've ordered my present using my DH's bank card, it'll be delivered to our house with his name on it so all he has to do is wrap it! Too many times he has given me things that are lovely but just not 'me' so I've had to return them.

The perfume example is a bit shit, OP, I understand how you would feel a bit devalued.

I don't understand this thing where adults buy presents for themselves, on behalf of their partners, and get their partners to wrap them up. Why not just agree with your partner that you will each buy yourself a present instead. It just sounds like a lot of meaningless transactions.

My husband wanted lego (for himself...) so I checked what he doesn't have and have bought a couple of sets and for me he's copying Ultimate Force onto my phone so I can watch it when I'm away.

I love getting and giving birthday/anniversary/Christmas presents, etc. However, my husband was raised by a mother who spolit him rotten and did everything for him. He never had to shop for presents for other people, and he does not 'see the point' of gift giving in general. Although he is a deeply kind and caring man (we have been together for 25 years), he has regularly forgotten to buy me gifts, or else bought something last-second and totally lacking in thought. We have discussed to death the fact that I find this deeply hurtful and that it sends me a message that I am not worth taking the time and trouble to buy a gift for. He is genuinely upset and guilty that he upsets me, but nothing changes!

So. I have just had to accept that this is who he is. I now have a wish list on Amazon and every time I see soemthing nice, I add it to my wish list. I have about 50+ items on there at any given time. When an occasion arrives, I remind him 2-3 weeks beforehand and it is easy for him to click and order. Becase I have so many items on the list, it is always a genuine surprise. Would I rather that he spontaneously booked us a romantic minibreak to Venice? Absolutely. But is it worth causing a rift in an otherwise happy relationship...probably not!

Unlucky83
This made me smile , my Fil told me to just buy sil and family a tin of cheap chocs .
I was totally like I don't get told what to buy someone and I went out and made a chocolate /wine hamper lol full of Lindor and wine . Couldn't help my self lol

My dad is a bad gifter, the most stand out item purchased for my mum for Christmas one year was a stunning set of copper saucepans, sounds good right?, nope not for her to ever use but to go on the house boat he lived on in London three days of the week! Bear in mind she only went up to the boat in London once a year to spring clean! These days I not only remind him to buy both christmas and birthday gifts for her but help choose them, this year she's having a new iPhone which she actually asked for!

My exh and was a horrendous gifter as well, I ended up buying bits for myself and wrapping them after one year he forgot to take DD shopping, she was 6, on Christmas morning she gave me a little pile of wrapped bits she had taken from her own precious things to ensure I would get a gift. That pencil sharper, well loved cuddly and other bits meant more than anything he ever bothered to go and buy. I resolved to help her buy me a gift from them on so she wasn't put in that position again.

My Wonderful DP is a fab gift giver, he genuinely listens over the year and comes up with really special perfect gifts for me, as well as takes all three DC shopping to choose their gifts for me.

Your DH is a cockwomble, it's just him being lazy and not caring about you, don't get him slippers buy him something you might want or like those earrings something he won't be able to use, like a nipple ring or hair care set (if he has short hair) he needs to understand how it feels! Xx

Me and DH gave up buying Xmas presents, as neither can think what to get the other, or what to ask for. What we do is go out after Christmas and buy something we both want for our home.
It's no problem - Christmas is a faff, to be honest. I only get things for my kids and our parents.

My dh is crap at presents I still haven't forgiven him for buying me car mats one year so this year I have bought my own present and given it to him to wrap as sick of being disappointed and him wasting money on stuff I don't want

Update: following the advice on this thread I gave DH a hint for my present (basically told him what I would like) and also told him that it was only available online so he would have to get it in time. Today he asked me where he could get it in town as he hadn't got round to looking at the link I sent him.

The only person (besides me) that he had to buy for was his dad. He also said that he had decided to get a photo of the DCs for him - so I only had to choose one, get it printed and buy the frame. I can only presume he did the hard work of coming up with the idea in the first place. I give up!

Have you told him that no, he can go and get his own frame, picture printed etc?

As for yours, can he pay extra for super fast delivery? Tell him to do that right now if he expects to take part in your family Christmas.

If you haven't said any of this, go and say it to him now. Don't let this run on any longer. It's a crap effort and it is reasonable to say so.

Why don't you just exchange token presents along an agreed theme (wine, chocolates, gin) and then just buy your own actual wants and needs as and when you want, instead of going through this whole present buying charade of emailing links to 'buy me X from Y shop' which is totally pointless for adults with their own money, as is people buying their own presents and then giving them to their partner to wrap and give as a present.

Once you've chosen the item you might as well click on and buy it yourself. Also means there is no risk of the item selling out or going up in price and you get it straight away instead of having to wait for Christmas.

People like waiting til Xmas. DP and I buy each other big ticket items we'd never buy just ad hoc during the year - we usually know what the main present is, but the other presents are surprises. I don't see that there's anything wrong with wanting a gift in Xmas day.

I think even token presents is a bit beyond him. He went to Belgium for work and I asked him to bring me some chocolates (he offered to bring a small gift). I thought it was sort of obvious that I meant Belgian chocs. He bought me Quality Street!!

Wow that's difficult. He doesn't know you. Have you been married or together long?

I'm really lucky in that my DH buys me AMAZING personal presents. Things that I really need or want or love. And I never ask for anything really. I don't really need anything but he always just knows.

Gah that sounds like I'm tooting my own horn but really he's great at presents. On the other hand, I am rubbish at presents. So maybe he equals us out.

I hope you get a nice pressie this year.

I just find it quite 'spoilt brattish'.. 'I didn't get a nice present' and I honestly don't think it's any indicator of love!

I think we can all tell that this ^^ person buys shitty, thoughtless gifts and is then offended when people notice they've gone to fuck-all effort.

There is a massive difference between "I wanted diamonds and got emeralds......WAAAHHH!!!" and "I would like a gift that shows that he thought about me and what I like"

One of the loveliest presents H has ever given me was a Giles annual. My grandad loved the Giles cartoons and got an annual every year. I used to love reading them, they really appealed to my sense of humour (we shared a love of Asterix too :) ) and one year I had sorted out the annuals that I was gifted after he died and was reading them. H hadnt seen them before and I explained about them. That Xmas he got me that years Giles annual. It didnt cost much but it meant the world that he had remembered, from months earlier, and got it for me.

That is the sort of gift the OP wants and anyone who doesnt understand that is probably married to someone who is equally as disappointed as she is........

My husband used to buy me those horrible make up sets from Boots No7.
I have nothing against Boots No7 but I don't want an eye shadow pallete with 20 eye shadows, blusher and lip colour that you put on with a little brush!
He eventually stopped buying them.
Almost every year the pjs he buys me are returned, as they either don't go near me or are an uncomfortable itchy fabric.

Random perfume. I got Chanel no5 last year even though I never wear it. My dressing table drawer holds clues on which perfume I like but he doesn't look.

I asked for cash or vouchers this year so that I can choose my own gifts in the sales.

Pickled I ask for the No7 sets, Chanel No 5 is my signature scent :o

But thats the point isnt it? He is assuming "Woman = make up or perfume, any perfume, doesnt really matter which one...." so there is no thought in it.

I think that we should declare 25th December 2017 as "Put as much thought into their gift as they put into yours" day. Doesnt have to be husbands, partners etc, but anyone who gives you a "that'll do" gift, gets exactly the same back. SIL who gives Dairy Milk when you have a lactose allergy? She gets a red wooly hat because she once owned a red car so it must be her favourite colour. Father who gives you a car cleaning kit when you live in Zone 1 and havent driven a car since 1988? He gets a Hipster beard grooming kit and bluetooth speaker set, despite being balder than plucked chicken and refusing to accept that CD's are "the future".

Fuck 'em.

Treat them how they treat you, and then lets meet up again on Boxing Day 2018 and compare notes!

Oh and if any of your "That;ll do's" give you grief you say "I assumed that we were just doing joke gifts now after you gave me X Y and Z for the last 3 years!"

I just find it quite 'spoilt brattish'.. 'I didn't get a nice present' and I honestly don't think it's any indicator of love

I think we can all tell that this ^^ person buys shitty, thoughtless gifts and is then offended when people notice they've gone to fuck-all effort

Not necessarily. There are plenty of shitty partners out there who think that spending a lot on birthday/Christmas/Valentines/Mothers Day presents somehow makes up for whatever other shortcomings they have whether it is being abusive, not doing a fair share of domestic work or having affairs.

I would much rather be with someone who is a good, supportive, caring partner who pulls their weight day to day but doesn't always buy good presents than a crap partner who shows their love for me by buying me diamonds at Christmas.

Many people hate shopping, find it stressful and have no idea what to buy. There is an overwhelming amount of stuff in the shops and a lot of it is total crap. I don't think you can blame anyone for not having the energy to wade through it all to guess what their partner would like.

It seems that more women than men like shopping (this is obviously a stereotype and I am happy if anyone can prove otherwise, especially as a woman who hates shopping) so there is always going to be a disconnect in couples over this issue (M/F couples obviously).

Ah Bogeyface one of the best presents I ever bought my mum was a Rupert the Bear annual. When she was growing up, she got one every year and really loved them. One year when I was about 20 I was in WHSmiths on Xmas eve and saw that year's Rupert annual reduced to £1 and bought it for her as a fun stocking filler type gift. She actually burst into tears when she opened it (happy tears!), and said it was her favourite gift even though I'd also got her several other nice things.