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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dread opening a present from DH?

252 replies

olddogsnewtricks · 12/12/2016 09:06

For various reasons I usually only get one present at Christmas - small family, friends don't do presents, my parents normally get us a joint present, something practical. DH always gets me a present and it is usually something really bad - not bad in itself, but something that I have either said I don't want or nothing personal. (One year he got the same bottle of perfume for his aunt, me and a colleague). Basically his presents make me feel unloved and I have said I would rather not get anything than go through the embarassment of trying to pretend I like it - last year I felt completely humiliated as I burst into tears. I know this is a first world problem - and if it was anyone else I would just suck it up but I find it so upsetting that the person who I feel should know me (if not best than at least a bit) gets things so wrong.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 12/12/2016 12:33

Fuck sakes men are not a whole group of childish people who do not understand the language you speak, having a penis doesn't mean you can't possibly grasp that when another person says to you 'I would like X'

Quite. They can easily buy themselves stuff. It really isnt hard.
I once was in a Debenhams and a man asked if i could hold a ted baker dress against me to see the length as i was the same height as his wife and he was going to get it for her if the right length she likes. It was an uber expensive one. They do exist....thoughtful men.

Original poster
olddogsnewtricks · 12/12/2016 12:35

Sorry to hear that so many are in the same boat, although I am perversely glad not to be alone! I think the perfume one particularly hurt as it really was a Christmas Eve present bought with absolutely no thought. That year I had bought all the presents for our three kids (plus ones that various relatives had asked me to buy and give the money for). I had literally wrapped dozens of presents for other people and he only had to buy for me - and he didn't even think about it until Christmas Eve when it was too late to get the book that I had asked him for.

OP posts:
allegretto · 12/12/2016 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NiceFalafels · 12/12/2016 12:39

Tell him he can buy his own gift and you will buy your own gift too. If he's so disengaged/crap with gift buying, I would totally roll with it and lower my expectations and change the game plan rather then pinning my hopes on receiving well considered gifts.

Or buy him alternative gifts too. He asked for slippers, give him a nice tea pot.

cauliwobbles · 12/12/2016 12:40

Tell him to send you a link for the slippers then buy completely different ones and buy yourself something lovely.

Look baffled when he opens his present.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 12/12/2016 12:46

YANBU. It smacks of 'i can't be arsed to put any thought into it so this will do' I mean pierced earrings when you don't even have pierced ears! I'd have to pull him up on it tbh and say "look i know you don't care about presents but I do and to me it shows thought and appreciation, 2 things which you never show me with your crap presents, here is my wishlist of thingsI would actually like, please just stick to it"

I email DH an amazon list every year, it's just easier. Although he won't buy the perfume I have on it every time because he says I hardly ever wear it, n
but in general he puts thought in and tries to get things I like. Last year he got me a box with slippers, chocolate, posh tea bags, hand cream and bits in. I thought that was a nice though because it's all things I like and use and it shows he made an effort.

GooseberryJam · 12/12/2016 12:47

Do the kids not buy you anything, OP? Theymay not be old enough to do so alone but he should be taking them if not. My dad was always very good at taking me to town to buy my mum a Christmas present, Mother's Day present and so on. And he is an old school working class now elderly man, so this notion that men somehow don't get properly taught how to buy presents is rubbish. He managed to work it out.

3luckystars · 12/12/2016 12:51

Just say to him, "hi love, let's have a little chat about christmas gifts because I don't was a repeat of last year's dissapointment! I have your present sorted. I know you would love a blow job but I am giving you this tesco bag full of dog shit instead. Because this is what you do to me every time."

"So what are your plans?"

QueenLizIII · 12/12/2016 13:07

I would just buy yourself something lovely with the money you'd spend on him. He xan buy his own too.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 12/12/2016 13:40

i'd by him something really shit. like a box of blank recordable cds. or some drain cleaner.

after that i would never buy him anything ever again.

he sounds really horrible. so utterly thoughtless.
i feel sorry for you.

StarlingMurderation · 12/12/2016 13:40

I used to organise my mum's presents from my dad and from my brother, they were both useless!

DP is pretty good at choosing one surprise but other than that, he sticks to the list, or we go shopping together.

Sendcoffeeandchocs · 12/12/2016 13:44

All these people who buy their own present... Doesn't that kind of spoil it a bit?
Am I the only one who likes the surprise of opening something?

UserWhatever · 12/12/2016 13:50

Sendcoffeeandchocs

You've clearly never opened a crap present every year.Grin

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/12/2016 14:35

Hmc

Yes it is infantilising.

He's grown up enough to be able to go to the shops by himself this means he doesn't need to understand any random 'love language' all he needs to be able to do is hear and understands the words "I would like x" he then has a choice to purchase x or something she hasn't expressed any desire for,
It really is that simple.you do not need to ascribe any type of other hidden meaning to it.

OzzieFem · 12/12/2016 14:37

Buy your husband something you want for xmas then use it. Give him back what he bought you as a swap.

UnoriginalNN · 12/12/2016 14:56

My DM's husband deliberately ignores what she not-so-slyly suggests - if he doesn't like it, she's not getting it. So fucking rude.

DragonNoodleCake · 12/12/2016 15:34

Can you both go shopping for each other's presents together? This coming weekend, go out for a nice lunch, you get to go to two shops and pick something, he gets the same, you both wrap each other's gift and present it on Christmas Day. No surprise, but no tears either

This - what Kirsty said is a great idea. A day together sounds great...better than even the present.

Meeep · 12/12/2016 16:43

I send DH links to everything I like the look of from September onwards. I get some of them for presents and I've usually forgot what they were by then anyway.

DH buys his own stuff and I wrap it as it's all techy stuff and I don't know enough about computers to get him the right bits.

GloriaGaynor · 12/12/2016 17:21

OP my family stopped being hurt by Christmas Eve presents in about 1980.

Latterly we banned him from buying us presents unless he keeps the receipts and they can be returned. He does sometimes manage to ask us what we want, but generally you have to organise it yourself.

GloriaGaynor · 12/12/2016 17:22

(IE panic buys on Christmas Eve)

GloriaGaynor · 12/12/2016 17:27

He's grown up enough to be able to go to the shops by himself this means he doesn't need to understand any random 'love language' all he needs to be able to do is hear and understands the words "I would like x" he then has a choice to purchase x or something she hasn't expressed any desire for. It really is that simple.

Well you'd think. But my father is an Oxford educated academic who can generally hear and understand words, in fact words are his speciality, and yet still can't buy decent presents even when he's been told exactly what to buy and the shop to buy it from. Inevitably something goes wrong.

Very occasionally, something goes randomly right. But it's a fluke.

It's not about love language just fuckwittage.

Cagliostro · 12/12/2016 17:30

Deliberately getting something that you have asked him not to get is beyond being just a bit shit at presents. :(

FleshEmoji · 12/12/2016 17:42

What would you like this year, OP? And please PM me your address. It might sink in to your DH's head if a random internet stranger does better than he does Grin

KittyCatty20 · 12/12/2016 17:44

I once got a bright red shiny suitcase for Christmas from dh. And the following year I got bright red bath towels. I was sure it would be bright red underwear the year after Christmas that but thankfully it was something else. I hate red.

Gymnopedies · 12/12/2016 17:53

You are not ridiculous. He sounds extremely self-centered and lacking empathy. I would therefore suggest that you take the slippers back and exchange them for something that he will dislike.