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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dread opening a present from DH?

252 replies

olddogsnewtricks · 12/12/2016 09:06

For various reasons I usually only get one present at Christmas - small family, friends don't do presents, my parents normally get us a joint present, something practical. DH always gets me a present and it is usually something really bad - not bad in itself, but something that I have either said I don't want or nothing personal. (One year he got the same bottle of perfume for his aunt, me and a colleague). Basically his presents make me feel unloved and I have said I would rather not get anything than go through the embarassment of trying to pretend I like it - last year I felt completely humiliated as I burst into tears. I know this is a first world problem - and if it was anyone else I would just suck it up but I find it so upsetting that the person who I feel should know me (if not best than at least a bit) gets things so wrong.

OP posts:
Olympiathequeen · 12/12/2016 10:34

I totally understand how you feel having had similar experiences.

I think you just need to accept his crap present vuying and look at the other aspects of your marriage.

Perhaps you could say to him you are both not buying 'presents' but you are buying a romantic weekend away, or a romantic dinner for two, on behalf of both of you.

That way you can avoid disappointment and you will know how much he loves you with all that romance Grin

hmcAsWas · 12/12/2016 10:37

He may mistakenly thinks that presents ought to be a surprise and not a known quantity - yes that's stupid of him and he has been told otherwise, but some people really are that obtuse.

In the absence of any other behaviours that signify that he doesn't care for his wife its too much of a leap to conclude that he does not wish to give her a small treat / he is laughing at her / he disrespects her etc etc.

Certainly if it was part of a pattern of behaviour then it might be significant but this does not appear to be the case here

GabsAlot · 12/12/2016 10:37

how can he gt u a surprise present thats something u want without u telling him

its not a quiz show

i dont do presents for dh anymor when i did i jut said tell me what u want and vice versa

Magicpaintbrush · 12/12/2016 10:39

I am not surprised you are upset by this OP, it is monumentally crap and useless of him. It's one present, one day a year, to show that he cares, but it sounds like he isn't listening to what you are saying at all and is just buying whatever is easiest. I think buying you a pair of earrings when you don't even have pierced ears is an epic fail of spectacular proportions.

I think in your situation I would write a list in BLOCK CAPITALS of things you would like, hand it to him, make it very clear how shit his gifts have been in the past and that if he veers away from the list then you need to make a big point of giving the gift away to charity along with whatever thoughtful gift you have got for him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that his thoughtless half hearted offerings are setting off alarm bells about how much he actually gives a toss about you.

Also maybe ask your parents not to get you combined gifts in the future - do they know your only other present is likely to be something utterly rubbish from your OH?

Failing all that then next year buy him one of those Mounted Singing Seabass that you hang on the wall - then anything he gets you will seem good by comparison.

hmcAsWas · 12/12/2016 10:39

Then by all means do clarify what you meant Sparticus by "This isn't really about the presents is it? It seems to be to go deeper, with the presents being the symptom rather than the cause" rather than leaving us to guess what you are inferring

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/12/2016 10:40

fox. Link the pyjamas - I'll buy you the goddamn things! I felt frustrated reading that!

SarcasmMode · 12/12/2016 10:42

Could he not just give you £50 and you get something nice for yourself with it?

hmcAsWas · 12/12/2016 10:44

Post at 10.37 was replying to Cozumel

thecatsarecrazy · 12/12/2016 10:44

I've given up and just buy my own, hand to him and say give me this. Last year all I wanted was a pair of slippers, boring I know but that's all I wanted. Got a box of jelly babies and a nightdress. Would have been fine but I have an over flowing drawer of them.

MarjorieSimpson · 12/12/2016 10:47

olddog actually it's not stupid but it looks like his idea of a present and Christmas and y Urs are totally different and you will have to spell it out to him.
That HE might not like presents like this, that he might prefer to chose his own slippers (and tbf, I can understand him there!) but YOU enjoy receiving a present and one that you actually like. QAnd it would be nice if he was taking into consideration.

You could also ask him how he would feel if not only you didn't give his the right sort of slippers but you would give him something you knew he didn't like (let's say an album of AC/DC when he hates that sort of music or some running shoes when he hates sports etc..).

LtGreggs · 12/12/2016 10:49

My DH is not good at presents - he would get me something I sent him a specific link to, but nothing in the 'nice surprise' category.

Last year I bought myself something that caught my eye and was a bit of a treat but that I knew I would really enjoy all year (new jacket from Joules - I've worn most days except high summer!). I just wrapped it, put it under tree and wrote "To LtGreggs from Santa" on it. I took much pleasure in receiving it, and no-one really questioned it... I think DH probably thought it was from my Mum, and my Mum though it was from DH :-)

I advise you do this!

If this is about more than the Christmas present though, I guess you need to have a think about the relationship.

fuzzywuzzy · 12/12/2016 10:52

He wants specific slippers for his gift? I'd get him something generic and get one for your uncle whilst you're at it.

He sounds unkind, you sent him a link to a book you wanted and yet het got you something else which you definitely had informed him you did not want.

That's not crap at present buying, that is purposefully spiteful.

Sherlock35 · 12/12/2016 10:52

I don't think it matters if presents are a big deal to him because YOU obviously care about it. It's about him not making an effort. And that's not really OK. It's one time of the year. It's not bloody hard to not buy something someone has told you not to buy. You have my sympathies OP. You are definitely NBU.

I buy my own presents and have done for years. Much less hassle and disappointment that way.

Imknackeredzzz · 12/12/2016 10:55

God he sounds awful , sorry not helpful I know

Sherlock35 · 12/12/2016 10:57

Jesus, this is terrible! All you poor people getting shite gifts! This really isn't ok.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/12/2016 10:57

Then by all means do clarify what you meant Sparticus by "This isn't really about the presents is it? It seems to be to go deeper, with the presents being the symptom rather than the cause" rather than leaving us to guess what you are inferring

The question was deliberately open-ended and rhetorical - and intended for the OP. I was not inferring anything other than it seemed to be something deeper!

MommaGee · 12/12/2016 10:58

I'm sire he does care bit I also think he's being an arse. Sounds like you need a very direct conversation about why he doesn't listen to you. It isn't about cost, it isn't as a PP suggested that if you don't believe in God you shouldn't care what present you get, it's about the fact he isn't listening.

Would he have bought them by now? If not I'd do him a list (I have an Amazon gift lost to help guide the hapless as o can add none Amazon things on it) and if he buys you a crap present again, ask him why he wouldn't choose anything that you asked for.

Cozumel I wish you pj's for Christmas

JoffreyBaratheon · 12/12/2016 10:59

I just give in and buy it myself. Or I have, in the past, given him a list of several things and told him to pick one if he wanted to do a 'surprise'. Just be firm about it.

Husband forgot my birthday this year. Or rather, we were broke so he didn't bother. I was heartbroken - I'd have been happy with a bunch of flowers from the garden and a homemade card. He didn't even do that. It is hurtful because it implies you are not important enough to merit thought.

For years he tried to persuade me to have my ears pierced but I got wise to why - then he'd just buy me random ear-rings and never have to think about a present ever again. So I have un-pierced ears to this day.

I used to buy him what he wants but now I tend to get something useful we can all get the benefit of - if he's not thoughtful, why should I be?

BobbyNoggle · 12/12/2016 10:59

I buy my own presents and have done for years. Much less hassle and disappointment that way.
^ I totally agree with this ! I draw the line at wrapping my own presents though.

Hullygully · 12/12/2016 11:02

It's nothing to do with "not good at presents" or "buy your own"

The OP tells him loud and clear what she would like and he ignores it.

That is just plain weird.

I don't know if he cares about you or not, but that is bloody weird behaviour no matter what spin anyone tries to put on it.

Sherlock35 · 12/12/2016 11:02

I'm having a great year this year! A handbag, a necklace, a fountain pen. I can highly recommend this state of affairs. I do birthdays and Mother's Day too. It's ACES.

Butterymuffin · 12/12/2016 11:02

It is surely beyond 'averagely crap' at doing presents to ignore the suggested things and buy the item you were told not to get instead. I think it would really help to know how he has reacted to your disappointment. Does he apologise? Does he have some excuse for why he got it so badly wrong? Does he brush it off as you being ungrateful?

I accept that some people don't do well at surprise present buying. But the 'here's a list, get me one of these things' so that at least it's a surprise which thing you get, should be within anyone's capabilities. If not there is some deeper issue.

Hullygully · 12/12/2016 11:02

If my dh bought me earrings when he I don't have pierced ears, I would insert them painfully into his back passage so he didn't make the same mistake again.

ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 12/12/2016 11:04

this sounds a bit like my sister. I'm dreading opening her token effort that no doubt she received from somebody else last year...

I'd rather not receive anything at all, if you've spent no time thinking about it or effort buying it - there really is no point in sending it.

It's all about her avoiding feeling guilty for not buying anything

DontOpenDeadInside · 12/12/2016 11:05

Dp usually gets me things like a £7 diamonte pen (which it painful to hold for any length of time) Every year I ask for a mug. I have a favourite mug which is the perfect shape and size but it's just out of a generic pack. Every year dp gets me a mug, which is the wrong shape or size or material (bone China!) Last year he got me a vw campervan mug, which I do like campervans (would love one) and it was an ok shape and size, but he got me a blue one, because the green one (my favourite colour) was £1 more. I'm sure this year's mug will be almost right, but not quite too. (Yes I know I sound ungrateful but it really doesn't take much to find a mug exactly the same as the one I have but more personalised to my taste)

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