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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to dread opening a present from DH?

252 replies

olddogsnewtricks · 12/12/2016 09:06

For various reasons I usually only get one present at Christmas - small family, friends don't do presents, my parents normally get us a joint present, something practical. DH always gets me a present and it is usually something really bad - not bad in itself, but something that I have either said I don't want or nothing personal. (One year he got the same bottle of perfume for his aunt, me and a colleague). Basically his presents make me feel unloved and I have said I would rather not get anything than go through the embarassment of trying to pretend I like it - last year I felt completely humiliated as I burst into tears. I know this is a first world problem - and if it was anyone else I would just suck it up but I find it so upsetting that the person who I feel should know me (if not best than at least a bit) gets things so wrong.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 12/12/2016 11:06

And I am appalled by the number of families where it seems to be acceptable for a woman who buys for everyone else year after year to be given nothing herself. I would be enraged by that and everything I ever did for any of them would be reconsidered. Why is the woman not a person with feelings like the rest of them?

Hullygully · 12/12/2016 11:06

I'm not hearing a lot of love here. If you love someone you want to please them and make them happy. You listen to them, you maybe even act on what they say. You buy them a mug in the colour they like even if it costs a whole damn pound more.

Sherlock35 · 12/12/2016 11:07

I think one of the PP was spot on. It's not just about the stuff. It's about the fact he doesn't listen. And if you've been explicit and he's still not listening, then that's another conversation.

justwanttoweeinpeace · 12/12/2016 11:08

My DH is rubbish. For years it upset me, now I send him a list. The 'surprise' is not knowing whether he'll pick the red or the blue mug I like etc etc

He's good at other stuff. Our holidays are amazing and all arranged by him. What is your DH good at?

randomeragain · 12/12/2016 11:12

you want to feel valued, loved and cared for. You want to feel that this person, who knows you better than the outside world has got the measure of you.....knows what makes you tick....sees you....notice you. They notice you like certain colours, styles, shapes ,smells. They are so intune with you it makes them happy to chose carefully a lovely gift.

Instead of which you get granny perfume and hoodies. ITS SHITE

QueenLizIII · 12/12/2016 11:17

I dont have a DH but family do this to me.

I pick out the most thoughtful presents for them. They know this and actually place orders with me for exactly what they want and they know they will get it.

For at least the last 3 Christmas I have opened things I have specifically said I dont want. Or in the case of my sister, I am shocked at how little she knows me after all these years. She buys stuff she has never seen me wear or use. I think she gets the cheapest possible not caring what it is when she places orders with me.

The last Christmas when it was the third year in a row I had opened something I didnt want and had specifically said no to, I didnt even try to be gracious. I just said, you've done it again, I said I didnt want it, now you take that back....and reminded them I bought them what they asked for.

This year I hope I dont get anything. Alot of people take the view that you should be grateful and the thought counts but it is so infuriating to be bought something you have said you dont want.

My mum seems to thinks I really do want it if she just pushes me enough, or I need it. It is so annoying.

hellooscar · 12/12/2016 11:19

My partner is terrible at presents and if it was Upto him everyone would be brought programming/ computer parts as that what he likes.
I sort out all presents for him and all are family including his side and are boy. Then he will take me shopping to get what I want. I however have to wrap my own presents as they won't get wrapped. Last he presented my Christmas present in the carrier bag he had brought it in to save using wrapping paper as he can buy me chocolate instead.
It does annoy me sometimes he doesn't make the effort to go out and chose something for me as I do all his presents.

shovetheholly · 12/12/2016 11:20

I get really upset by these threads, by the volume of women who just aren't ever getting a present they really want from their DH. Expectations are so low and yet these blokes somehow manage to disappoint them!

There is no male gene that means that it's impossible for them to go into a shop and buy something. They manage it quite effectively when it's something they actually want. Therefore, they can also buy you something you want. It's a matter of listening and caring enough to execute a very basic plan - and in a world of online shopping, that's not exactly hard.

Loads of you - loads! - deserve so much better! It's not about the money or consumerism, it's about being cared for. When so many of you are doing more than your fair share of housework and childcare, you have every right to say "This is important to me, and I want you to show some concern in this way" once a year.

tiej · 12/12/2016 11:24

My DH has spent many years putting lots of effort into buying crap presents, we had a long chat. He is absolutely certain that you only buy gifts for people if it's something you would want yourself. I tried explaining that a present is about buying something that the person on the receiving end would like.

Apparently I'm ridiculous, why would you buy anyone a present if you didn't like yourself, it would be a horrible thing to do.

This year he's getting a sewing machine.

DontOpenDeadInside · 12/12/2016 11:25

I was thinking regarding the mug, I'd even be happy if he bought some ceramic paints and got the kids to repaint my mug. Might suggest that actually. He also won't buy me things like slippers or a purse. One year I'd asked for a purse (before internet shopping became a thing) and he bought me a wallet, because he was embarrassed to buy a woman's purse.

QueenLizIII · 12/12/2016 11:25

One of my ex boyfriends was shit too.

We were longish term, and knew me well enough. He was a cricket fan and I bought him Links of London cricket ball cufflinks. He was so deeply touched. I tried to hide my surprise when I opened a load of cheap rubbish jewellery and I managed to find it off the internet really cheaply. he did it every year. So I stopped bothering. He happily took expensive presents though.

I didnt want expensive stuff but you know some thought and effort rather than choosing cheap rubbish when he earned a decent wage would be something.

shovetheholly · 12/12/2016 11:25

tiej - that made me laugh! Good on yer.

TheCompanyOfCats · 12/12/2016 11:27

You'd think after bursting into tears that he would improve his behaviour? Honestly, you shouldn't need a conversation about this issue after that.

I understand where you are coming from OP. My DH is the king of 'last minute petrol garage' presents. It's so depressing. I give him lists these days which is upsetting because it really is the thought that counts for me. But I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather receive something that I'd like rather than have my feelings hurt repeatedly.

GloriaGaynor · 12/12/2016 11:31

My dad is exactly the same. I remember my mum bursting into tears at Christmases at another rubbish present.

One Christmas he bought me some shampoo (a brand I don't use as it dries my hair) and a bright pink azalea.

He loves us all to bits, but he hasn't the remotest idea how to do gifts.

So now we buy our own presents and give them to him to wrap up.

xStefx · 12/12/2016 11:32

I spend the last 4 months of the year writing down things DP has mentioned he likes and go all out on his for xmas each year. For my present I just give him links to the stuff I want and he goes with that.

If I didn't do that I would have a crap present (bless him) he is a fantastic partner the rest of the year so to give him grief over a crap present would make me a bitch in my eyes.

I told him this year I wanted Chanel no 5 and a really expensive anti wrinkle cream, sent him the link and he bought them, no drama needed.

Buck3t · 12/12/2016 11:41

Every year I send a list (with links) of 10 items I want.
As it's my birthday on New Years he gets me three items off that list (depending on value). I get what I want and am surprised on the day.

Throughout the year I have the option to buy the other things on my list (or save them for this year's list - he will buy me that £100 yoga mat, that I can't justify for myself ).

tiej · 12/12/2016 11:42

I was in a particular shop last week to buy some wine glasses that my DD loves. They didn't have the white wine ones only red, so I decided to leave them. Meanwhile DH busies himself showing me lots of glasses that are totally different to the ones I want, when I point this out he tells me that they all look the same to him.

This is how their brains work, it's hopeless.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/12/2016 11:46

The wrong love language?
People who despite being told what you want are hopeless at getting it?

Are you all shacked up with a bunch of 5 year olds.

Fuck sakes men are not a whole group of childish people who do not understand the language you speak, having a penis doesn't mean you can't possibly grasp that when another person says to you 'I would like X'

Most of them are functioning human beings who are able to manage quite complicated lives

Garnelian · 12/12/2016 11:49

Actually my dsis has become worse than my dh.

Her presents have become increasingly crap which is odd because she used to buy me amazing presents - not necessarily expensive but funny and thoughtful. She now buys me things that you would give a maiden aunt = national trust calenders, frumpy body lotion. Its weird.

shovetheholly · 12/12/2016 11:50

"This is how their brains work, it's hopeless."

While your story made me laugh, that's just not true! Plenty of men are brilliant at buying presents.

I cannot be the only one with a lovely, thoughtful DH who chooses excellent gifts, surely? All those who get good gifts, holla with me: IT IS POSSIBLE FOR MEN TO BUY GREAT PRESENTS! You don't have to put up with crap!

hmcAsWas · 12/12/2016 11:59

Well that's a whole lot of additional meaning that you have ascribed to that expression NeedsAsock - its not infantalising the man or saying its a gender thing. Where do you get that? In very simple terms (I think that might be required here) it is just a short hand way of saying that the OP equates thoughtful, considered gift buying with something you do when you love someone, whereas the OP's dh does not connect giving gifts with love and does not give present giving quite the same significance ...

However, clearly he does need to make an effort and understand where the OP is coming from. Hth

MikeUniformMike · 12/12/2016 12:00

Never suggest what you don't want. Suggest a few things you'd be delighted with and some perfectly acceptable things. Be specific and also say do not go off list.

ALittleMop · 12/12/2016 12:06

Men are just as capable as women of giving a little thought to what their significant others would like.

OP's DH though is just not a present person. He doesn't want to get them and he doesn't want to give them, not really. I can see how this is hurtful to the OP.

Two options

very clearly tell him exactly what you have said here. He may not "get it", but hopefully he wants to make you happy even so.
buy yourself something lovely and open it on Christmas day.

Or both

SandyFeet177 · 12/12/2016 12:29

I'd say "are you taking the piss?" if you'd specifically asked him for something and he bought you something you specifically asked him not to get you (and he bought an aunt and a colleague). I'm coming up to my silver wedding and my DH has vastly improved over the years at listening to hints and becoming more thoughtful, the early years were way more shoddy than he is now, so there is hope! Though I have to say, I didn't even get a mothers day card on my first ever mothers day, I was so upset!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/12/2016 12:29

Hey Mums (and Dads) of sons ... are you training them well? :)

Seriously, I think it is nurture, not nature.

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