I don't want to lie to my kid about Santa

[timeforachangeofname]

I don't feel comfortable lying to my future kids about Santa, but I don't want them to ruin it for everyone else either. Has anyone managed to bring their child up not believing in Santa, without them ruining it for believers, or am I going to have to lie to them for the sake of others?

My parents never 'lied' to me about Santa. Tbh, I wish they had. Their 'right on' truth telling style of parenting could be a little wearing!

As a result I had no idea how to play the Santa thing with my DCs. In the end I went with it -Santa brings stockings, and we buy main presents.

You could drive a bus through the holes in my xmas stories/lies. DD is now 10 and apparently still believes (I think she's hedging her bets tbh). DS (7) is more openly sceptical - especially about fake Santas- but still claims he actually saw Santa's sleigh in the sky last year (think this is more about one-upmanship than real belief!).

This year I have steered clear of any fake Santas, grotto etc. I don't want to openly lie to DR anymore than I have! She recently told me that lots of kids in her class dont believe, but her and her BFF do ( they are on the whimsical side!). I responded witb a noncommittal ' everyone must decide what to believe'.

Reading this I do feel a bit concerned that I've (white) lied myself into a bit of a corner!

I didn't grow up with Father Christmas and have very happy memories of Christmas. I didn't do Santa with my children and they have told me that they wouldn't have it any different. Christmas will be great so long as there is love and warmth, good food, family and presents help too!

We enjoyed lots of make believe when our children were small, some stories/games we joined in with and some were theirs alone. Santa is not a requisite for imagination or magic.

I too did research and no where did it mention anything about surviving on 2 hours sleep per night for 9 weeks or the fact that breast feeding can take all day. Or you get some tired the world starts to tilt. Or they sheer exhaustion of driving around the neighbourhood so your dc falls asleep for an afternoon nap so you can turn into your driveway and get 20minutes sleep.

Research away it will still hit you and you will still be left feeling helpless.

I feel "doing Santa" is more an opinion.

In some ways though it is comparable to breast and bottle feeding, you might do research but if breast feeding still doesn't feel right then you might not do it even though research wise it's best,

I think a hundred years ago, people had so very, very little that the one day of the year when they got a present, and bearing in mind an orange was a huge treat - that Father Christmas was part of that magic. Now presents in themselves aren't magical, chocolate on its own isn't, an orange certainly isn't.

So we look for things to "keep the magic alive" it's no longer about a stocking with a doll, an orange and some chocolate in it, it's huge expensive toy sets and new pyjamas for Christmas Eve and really s whole month of over indulgence that many actually can't afford and some can afford but don't have the family to go with 'family time' and actually on the whole I really don't like Christmas and what it represents.

I hate the fact that we get to wear a Christmas jumper on Friday. Yay - wonder what that 'cost' some poor child in the third world? Wonder if any of you have ever been to a turkey slaughterhouse and seen these birds living in obesity and fear and terror before they are killed? I wonder how many of you have been taken to a children's home for the day because your foster family wanted a family Christmas?

I hate the fact that many of the pious parents on here clutching pearls and screeching about lost magic stop and think that below the glitter there is a layer of awfulness about Christmas and I don't care if that makes me a killjoy, I really couldn't give a shit.

I'm thinking that in fact how you feel about Santa is a good indication of what you, personally, should do. If you think its lovely and magical, etc., then your children are likely to be like you - through genetics and/or a similar environment - and thus also really enjoy the actual belief in Santa. But if you're wary of the idea and have memories of being distressed at the deception, then similarly your children may have the same response, and thus doing the lighter-touch stepping back and letting them absorb it from the environment only, or reassuring them no stranger is really coming into their house at night, is likely the best way to go.

I'm like the latter - I 'found out' age 4, and honestly didn't realise that people kept the belief much longer. I found the whole thing uncomfortable as a child and a bit creepy. People have mentioned ASD traits and kids being distressed by Santa, and both DH and I have such traits (although neither diagnosed, but by golly, I'd be totally unsurprised if DH was easily diagnosed if he asked about it...) and as I understand they think it's genetic, DD could as well. Being extremely concerned about placing things into 'real' and 'pretend' boxes as a way to organise her world appears important to her. It strikes me as a poor idea to run roughshod over that for something that made me uncomfortable as a child.

But I can imagine that the people on this thread who are horrified at the idea of no Santa, then obviously did not find it distressing as a child. Their kids will have a high likelihood of finding it magical and lovely.

And finally, the parents current attitude has an effect. If I find it a bit weird and uncomfortable, if I "did Santa" no matter how much I try to make it magical, my child will probably get a sense of my distress off me. Alternately, if someone who absolutely loves Santa decided to not do it through social pressure or something, and then was understandably sad and missing it, their kids would probably get a sense of a downer around the season off of them.

So, in all, I think it's best to be guided by your attitude.

I just saw the interview with the Santa impersonator in America, who got a call to visit a terminally ill 5 year old boy, who was not expected to live to see Christmas. He comforted the little boy, and told him that he was his number 1 elf as the boy passed away in his arms. I am crying at that interview and story now. Santa is real, in that little boy's eyes. That beautiful, kind, selfless man comforted him and brought him joy in his final moments. He's the real Santa

I actually find it incredibly sad that the relatives (including his mum) had to watch from a window while the boy died in a fictional character's arms.

Christ. My child wouldn't die in anyone else's arms either.

My parents didn't do Santa with me. For some reason, they did with my sis (3y younger). I then had to pretend for my sis so I didn't 'ruin' Christmas.

I hated it. I hated that she had the fun and magic and I didn't.

I always knew Mum and Dad bought the presents. I knew not to ask for anything expensive as money was tight. Consequently, I had presents that I didn't 'love' at Christmas, because I was worried about the cost (please bear in mind I remember this from 4/5/6/7 etc), whereas my sis asked for and got, just what she wanted because y'know, Santa.

I do Santa for my DD. I want her to have the joy I didn't.

I just saw the interview with the Santa impersonator in America, who got a call to visit a terminally ill 5 year old boy, who was not expected to live to see Christmas. He comforted the little boy, and told him that he was his number 1 elf as the boy passed away in his arms. I am crying at that interview and story now. Santa is real, in that little boy's eyes. That beautiful, kind, selfless man comforted him and brought him joy in his final moments. He's the real Santa

I can't imagine how the mum felt to watch her child die in someone else's arms. "Beautiful, kind, selfless man" is over egging it a bit-the guy was an actor doing his job. It's great that the little boy was really happy before he died but don't turn this into more than it is. It could easily have been a little girl visited by "Princess Elsa" or their favourite football player.

This is a really interesting thread. I'm absolutely not someone who would ever be described as "right on"; my DDs eat far too much cake, were permanently pink clad as babies and have every ballerina/princess dress going. But I'm uncomfortable with Santa. As I've read some of the responses on this thread, I've tried (and failed) to work out exactly why. My DH is all in favour, though (and I'm aware it's a bit of a socially sensitive issue!), so I go along with it, but answering all "is he real?" questions with "what do you think?".

I have a significant dislike of anything being described as "magical" though. It usually refers to some overpriced aggressively consumerist product/service. And if I think back to my own childhood, I only remember my FC obsessed mother refusing to confirm that it was all made up past age where I just found it irritating and a bit tedious. Maybe I'm just a bit too literal!

Supermummy02 I have no idea what you're on about!

I actually find it incredibly sad that the relatives (including his mum) had to watch from a window while the boy died in a fictional character's arms.

Personally, I don't make judgements like that about anyone's choice of what happens when their child dies.

Christmas was definitely magical for me as a child even though we didn't do Father Christmas. I was still incredibly excited in the build-up and would be bouncing off the walls on Christmas Eve waiting for dinner, and on Christmas Day waiting excitedly until we could finally open the presents after lunch. The magic was in the atmosphere - I remember it was my job to light all the candles around the house on Christmas Eve and that atmosphere was amazing. And the Christmas music, and putting on our Christmas play for the family we'd invite round on Christmas Eve to eat with us. Wondering what mum was putting in our stockings. Sneaking peeks at the clues on the gift tags on the presents under the tree to try and guess what mum had bought us. That was magical and it didn't change as I grew up - was just as magical when I was 16 as when I was 6.

Anyway this thread made me wonder what my 5 year old really believes. She asked me how Father Christmas visits everyone in one night so I asked her what she thinks and she came to the conclusion that each country has its own Father Christmas and, for instance, in Africa they think that their Father Christmas is the only one in the world but its not and only she knows the truth, I can see how doing FC is fun for the adults at least!

I think some of the anger from 'Santa parents' on here comes from the fact that they cannot envisage how a 'non-Santa Christmas' works - witness the posts about dourness, tightness, steamed kale etc.

It is not like we sit our DC down and say 'Now, Lucian and Persephone. You know that other children believe in the Father Christmas myth. But this is wrong. Now back to the coal cellar with you.'

We just don't say 'he is real'. We just use the language of fun and games around the whole thing. And it just isn't the focus of Christmas.

We didn't have Santa as children either - hence why I don't do it, it's not a tradition for me - and Christmas was utterly, utterly amazing. For weeks in advance, we planned what to get each other and thoroughly enjoyed the whole 'keeping secrets' and 'hiding presents'. We made awful tatty window decorations. We always dressed the tree on 1st Dec. On the 23rd and 24th we all baked (4 girls) and in the evening, my dad brought the presents down from the 'secret hiding place' of his closet whilst we all watched and tried to guess what was in the packages and got thoroughly over-excited. Santa was a game that we played with the guy in the shopping mall, or a seasonal image on a window decoration.

Today, I am one of those annoying people who starts Christmas in about September It is my favourite holiday, I absolutely love it, and I am raising DD to get all excited about it as well. She has had Christmas stories and music for a few weeks now, Christmas lights walks at night, she's been to an enchanted Christmas woodland, and although we don't have much cash this year, I will get her a present she will absolutely love, surround by her family (she is the first grandchild and totally adored).

I really do not think she is missing out. It is just a different way of doing the holiday and I will never understand why others get so cross about it.

Hello again! Thanks again for all the replies. Lots of good ideas on here amongst the insults enough ideas that when the time comes I can see which would be most appropriate for my particular child and give it a go!

Johnny that sounds wonderful!!

OP

I always wish on these threads I could summon up for others how amazing our Christmasses (Christmasae?) were! We lived in a country with lots of snow, and we had godawful tacky beautiful rainbow lights on our tree that cast rainbow lights over the snow outside the window after dark. It was lovely!

Personally, I don't make judgements like that about anyone's choice of what happens when their child dies.

It was no judgement on the parents. Just that I found the story sad rather than heart warming.
It's good that the child was happy, but I'd rather he was happy in my arms than a stranger pretending to be an imaginary character.
That is the danger of putting so much on something imaginary.
I'd still find it sad if the child had died in the arms of his sporting hero as well.

Johnny oh that sounds beautiful. I love Christmas and I love snow and colourful Christmas lights. Ooh I'm so excited! I live in a different country to where I grew up and go home every year for Xmas so it's a really big deal for me, I can't wait to see all my family again! I've been planning presents for ages and I have even been working a few Christmas markets this year so it's hard not to be in a really Christmassy mood when wrapping up presents for customers all day.

My ds is not happy with the idea of santa coming in his house. Annoying cause I got santa his own special key. But he sees this big guy in a red suit and visited and santa gave him a special present which he loves.
I'm a little conflicted as to how to bring up the santa stuff and involve it in our Christmas, however he's 3, so time yet. I want our Christmas to be about family and love and happy times. Santa will be a small feature, I don't want him feeling the disappointment I did when I found out santa wasn't real. Christmas was never the same again, although it coincided with some seriously traumatic events so maybe that's why I'm a bit more wary

Supermummy so you did the half eaten mince pies and carrot etc but didn't 'do' Santa? So you literally said to your kids that Santa is made up and not real and then left out actual food for someone you all acknowledged wasn't coming!?

There are lots of lies people tell their children and, imho it's sometimes vital that they do. An old colleague refused to lie to her children, up to and including why she was sad on the day her sister, their auntie went for a biopsy on a lump in her breast. Her sister was thankfully fine but that didn't stop her 8 year old waking in the night crying for weeks. She did it with loads of things and obviously there was no Santa in their house.

I don't think families who don't do Santa have joyless Christmases at all, just that I personally don't believe that the lie does any harm at all, and can for some children be really exciting.

I don't think that the family realised that their child was going to die there and then. They left the room because they didn't want their little boy to see them crying. It was his wish to see Santa, and they fulfilled his wishes. The guy is a volunteer, not a paid actor just doing his job. Families call him to visit children in hospital, been they aren't going to make it to Christmas. The family was of course devastated that was the moment their child passed away, and not in his mother's arms. But, in that moment, his wishes were fulfilled. He forgot about his pain. That's a beautiful gift. His last words were Santa, can you help me? Not for his mum. He probably thought that Santa could magic his illness away and make him better.

I'm as atheist as they come, but there's a time and a place for the cold hard truth. I would tell kids in that situation anything to help comfort them, because what does the truth matter then? I'd tell them that all their dreams and wishes were going to come true when they fell asleep. They would fly with Santa, in his magic sleigh among the stars. They would ride a sparkling unicorn. Anything so that they wouldn't feel scared.

As a parent, I believe it is my role to protect my DDs from some of the hard and nasty truths that abound in the world, until such time as they are emotionally mature enough to deal with them.

Which is why, despite being an atheist, I told DD1 all about Heaven, and angels looking after you, when she first cottoned on to the fact her Mummy would die one day. I happily lied through my back teeth in order to reassure her and put a smile back on her face.

We always told the DC's that Father Christmas was based on the story of St. Nicholas. They never believed in the Americanised version of 'Santa' but still received stockings. This has not damaged the magic of Christmas at all according to my eldest, who is currently singing Christmas carols while baking mince pies.