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Original poster

I don't want to lie to my kid about Santa

497 replies

timeforachangeofname · 12/12/2016 06:50

I don't feel comfortable lying to my future kids about Santa, but I don't want them to ruin it for everyone else either. Has anyone managed to bring their child up not believing in Santa, without them ruining it for believers, or am I going to have to lie to them for the sake of others?

OP posts:
ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 12/12/2016 16:23

daises your dc are not you - what if they would love the idea of FC?

How can you deny them based on your own experience?

cauliwobbles · 12/12/2016 16:26

Ho Ho Ho, you can tell you haven't got any children as you'd know a true parent regularly lies to their children in the blink of an eye!

aquabluepool · 12/12/2016 16:27

You can apply that to anything, being a Muslim, eating meat, attending a single sex school.

Really we all make the choices we think are best.

Mine is that Christmas is a nice chilled out day in pyjamas with a couple of presents and a tree and a nice dinner.

CancellyMcChequeface · 12/12/2016 16:28

I don't have children yet, but if/when I do, I won't tell them that Santa is real, either. It's possible to enjoy the story of Santa without lying and telling them that he literally exists, just as children don't have to literally believe in fairy tales or any other fictional story to enjoy imaginative play based on them.

My mother used Santa as a behaviour-management tool (we used to hear 'behave or Santa won't come' from October!) and when I stopped believing, at 6, she reacted to my comments with 'if you don't believe you get no presents.' So I pretended to believe until 11, when she made a big fuss of 'telling me the truth' before secondary school and acted surprised when I responded very unemotionally to the revelation. (I'm another person who likes being an adult much more than I ever did being a child, and this sort of thing is part of the reason why.)

I found it confusing and a bit frightening that all the adults in my life and in the media seemed part of a great conspiracy, since I knew Santa wasn't and couldn't be real. I still enjoyed Christmas, but not as much as I would have if I'd been told when I first questioned it that he's not real, but he's a magical story that makes things fun for younger children, etc. I have ASD and am literal-minded and I know not all children would react the way I did, but it's definitely not something I'd ever feel comfortable lying to my own children about.

The 'Elf on the Shelf' is a whole new level of lunacy. Constant surveillance? Bentham would approve.

OP, do what's right for you and your family. If you're not comfortable with the usual Santa traditions, adapt it so that it works for you. None of it is compulsory. Smile

KnitMeAUnicorn · 12/12/2016 16:32

Fuck sake, Elf - so I don't love my kids enough to lie to them, then?! This gets better ...

IMO many parents just automatically go along with the Santa myth and perpetuate it each year, without actually giving any THOUGHT as to whether it might not be that great, really ...

LaurieMarlow · 12/12/2016 16:35

IMO many parents just automatically go along with the Santa myth and perpetuate it each year, without actually giving any THOUGHT as to whether it might not be that great, really

Or alternatively, they see a value in it that supersedes and goes beyond 'literal truth'. It is, to them, an important part of childhood.

Lweji · 12/12/2016 16:35

A poster earlier on said they took it as a sign their parents loved them enough to care and I feel this way too. We had some pretty up and down times but they pulled out the stops at xmas.

We also do make Christmas special (check previous posts), we just didn't tell DS that a magical creature gave him presents.
DS certainly knows I care about him (which is a lot more and during the year, than dependent on some fairy tale).

aquabluepool · 12/12/2016 16:40

My parents didn't love me at all, yet perpetuated the Santa myth.

drivingmisspotty · 12/12/2016 16:46

I'm not sure it matters much either way. No Santa doesn't automatically mean zero magic in childhood (children make their own magic anyway e.g. my son making the bathroom sponges talk to each other) and doing Santa doesn't mean a big bad lie either.

I think fiction is such an important part of being human and to a certain extent we all buy into some fiction or other - our society and cultural values. Stories are not a literal truth but a fiction showing a deeper truth. I am comfortable 'doing' Santa with my kids as he is about loving and giving to others, values I also hold.

However, when my 7 yr old recently looked me straight in the eye and asked me several times if I was Santa, I told her how it works. Because at that point it felt it would have been lying to her to perpetuate the myth (but i gave her the version where Santa is the spirit of Christmas even though mum delivers the presents).

To answer your original question. My best friend in childhood discovered Santa wasn't real when she was 3. I believed until I was 11. So for 8 years she didn't spoil it for me! It is possible.

PurpleDaisies · 12/12/2016 16:46

daises your dc are not you - what if they would love the idea of FC?
How can you deny them based on your own experience?

Deny them what? Confused

reallyanotherone · 12/12/2016 16:48

I just quote terry at them

"Just because you know how it's done, doesn't mean it's not magic".

So we've never lied, technically. But the dc do believe in the magic of christmas and buy into the existence of "santa" as a personification of Christmas.

God bless you, mr pratchett.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 12/12/2016 16:57

Yes it's a lie.

So is the Easter bunny, fairies and goblins, dragons and knights, pots of gold at the end of the rainbow, eating crusts making your hair curl, the tooth fairy, watching too much telly bad for you, lucky black cats, 4 leaf clover, unicorns, magicians, mind readers, psychics, ghosts, monsters in cupboards, crossing your fingers, elf on the shelf, wish on a star, heaven, birthday wishes as you blow the candles out on your cake, throwing the bride's bouquet.......

Fuck me! Life is dull without any stretching the imagination.

(I was brought up with the Father Christmas idea and the Jesus thing and I'm ok. I don't hate my parents for telling me porkies. I think the silly stories we make up for our kids are great. We , me and DTS, even try to catch Dad out)

m0therofdragons · 12/12/2016 16:59

Of course we should all tell young dc about paedophiles and murderers so we can say "we told them the truth".
Love it how these kinds of adults say they don't want to lie to their dc and make out they're virtuous. Has anyone ever been in counselling over parents giving them gifts from an imaginary guy? Hilarious. Seeing my dcs' faces Christmas morning when they see their stocking is priceless (totally different from their faces when I give them gifts myself). You'll never see that on your dc's face op.

aquabluepool · 12/12/2016 17:03

Being truthful doesn't mean you can never tell a story to your children and it doesn't mean you must tell them absolutely everything.

It might mean you play the game of Santa with them, or it might not. I agree that telling a small child a story and them believing it isn't lying. I think for me I feel uncomfortable when children are a bit older and start to question Santa and parents then DO lie, not for the sake of their child's 'magic' being lost but for themselves.

I also think Santa is an easy way for many poor parents to convince themselves they are great parents.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 12/12/2016 17:11

We have an elf (not creepy, a rag doll that's been redressed). He does not snitch to the big man in red. He gets up to all sort of silly stuff overnight which means my 2 are eager to get up, even on a school day or after a late night, to see what he's been up to.

I asked in Nov if they though they were too old for 'Pip' but apparently not as he brings the advent calendar. I'll go along with it. They enjoy it.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 12/12/2016 17:30

Lweji stupid joke of mine based on typical MN OTT reactions Blush

Elf I also wouldn't answer as you did. When I was 4y10m my DSis3 developed a Stage 3 tumour. Our parents did not lie to us about this. When I was about 8, my lovely NDN developed breast cancer. They didn't lie about this. My dad's family had been abusive to him. They explained this in an age appropriate way, as to why we didn't see Granny as much as we might otherwise have done. My mum had an abortion when I was about 9ish - again, appropriate explanation.

My parents didn't get everything right but I have massive respect for how they explained difficult life issues to me. I honestly cannot remember them ever lying to me, ever - joking yes, lying no.

HeCantBeSerious · 12/12/2016 17:39

Has anyone ever been in counselling over parents giving them gifts from an imaginary guy? Hilarious.

Definitely featured in counselling I've had - although not exclusively. The fragile relationship I had with my mother was damaged irreparably by the way she handled the matter when I "discovered the truth" aged 6.

Glad you find it hilarious though. Hmm

corythatwas · 12/12/2016 17:50

Emotionally abusive parents can use the FC story to be emotionally abusive. Or be emotionally abusive without FC.

Loving parents who are on the same wavelength as their children can use it to add a bit of fun, as a game they play together and gradually take less and less seriously. Or they can have the same sense of fun and sharing in some other way.

The deciding factor is not whether you tell stories about FC or not, but whether you are good with children or not.

To me, FC is also about shared memories of story-telling and suspended disbelief, and the later enjoyment of being in on a joke. It never became any less magical because I sussed who was under the beard: I still wait for FC every Christmas with the same mixture of excitement and laughter. FC is just the wrapping around the fact that mattered: that we were playing together.

Suppermummy02 · 12/12/2016 17:54

Brought DC up without a literal belief in Santa. We had all the magic of Christmas just without banging on that Santa was literally real. Once the presents are opened children dont give a second thought about how it got there. It made bugger all difference.

Kids read stories, see magical characters on TV, at theme parks, at fancy dress, theatre, circus, special, occasions etc You don't need to lie and teach that Mickey mouse is a real human sized mouse for them to enjoy a Disney experience. Santa is just another one of these colourful characters we see all year around that dresses up in seasonal attire and hands our small presents, like Ronald McDonald used to, just to add a little magic to our lives.

OKmum · 12/12/2016 17:56

I think no one has posted this one yet: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/plato-pop/201312/the-santa-claus-lie-debate-answering-objections

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 12/12/2016 17:56

Bah humbug.

Phoebeby · 12/12/2016 18:24

I also think Santa is an easy way for many poor parents to convince themselves they are great parents

Huh? In what way?

aquabluepool · 12/12/2016 18:29

Because making a fuss st Christmas and birthdays is a way of convincing yourself. Look at all the posts on here saying they make it 'magical.'

gamerchick · 12/12/2016 18:43

That makes fuck all sense to me Confused

You can't be a great parent if you're poor?

aquabluepool · 12/12/2016 18:44

It makes fuck all sense, because that isn't what I said. Don't know why you're coming at me with Confused