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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH sold house to give MIL money

149 replies

CantMoveOnFrom · 10/12/2016 13:53

This happened a long time ago and I am so bitter about it I really want to move on from it but I can't.

Myself and DH have been together for 10 years. When we met we both owned small flats. A few months into our relationship MIL said she needed money and DH sold his flat, gave MIL the money and moved into rented. We had only been together a few months and although I expressed my concern at the time I wasn't in a position to put a stop to it we weren't even living together.

My small flat is not worth enough for us to get a family sized home so we have been in rented ever since. I believe MIL manipulated DH into this- are there any parents out there who would accept this from their child? I don't know any.

She is not destitute has many nice holidays etc.

I try to forget about it but now we are struggling a bit and in rented accommodation with children and I am really bitter about MIL because of it. I don't mention it to DH as he thinks his mum is amazing and I don't want to upset him. I just can't reconcile a mother doing this or accepting this. How can I love on? I am so angry.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 10/12/2016 13:55

I'd be angry too. Do you know what she needed the money for?

Original poster

CantMoveOnFrom · 10/12/2016 13:56

It was spent on holidays and a camper van.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 10/12/2016 13:56

You had only been together a few months and his flat was his own to do with as he pleased. If you were really not happy wih his choice then you should have ended the relationship

ChicRock · 10/12/2016 13:58

Are you sure your MIL didn't own it in the first place and your DH fed you a story?

Trifleorbust · 10/12/2016 13:58

It was his money and his mummy - sorry - a totally private arrangement that may have affected you indirectly but wasn't anything to do with you at the time.

GinIsIn · 10/12/2016 13:59

That sounds utterly bizarre - had she put up the money for the flat in the first place?

Underthemoonlight · 10/12/2016 14:01

It's really got nothing to do with you so I don't understand the resentment here

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2016 14:02

I suspect you're not being told the full story here, either she owned it or he owed her the money. It was before your relationship was cemented so I'm unsure how you can be bitter about this, it was nothing to do with you. Your financial situation is not because of this. sorry. I suspect he didn't want to tell you the full truth at the time, and is now unable to get out of the lie.💐

Original poster

CantMoveOnFrom · 10/12/2016 14:02

It wasn't his mums it was his money he got from an inheritance on his dad's side.

I like the comments telling me it is none of my business. I really need to get over this but I can barely stomach MIL for doing this I just can't believe a parent would.

OP posts:

PrettySophisticated · 10/12/2016 14:03

I suspect we havent got the full story here. It was bought with a loan from mum which needed repaying?

GinIsIn · 10/12/2016 14:04

It doesn't seem like the whole story, and with respect this is a financial arrangement in place prior to your relationship so it really isn't your business.

SnatchedPencil · 10/12/2016 14:04

It sounds peculiar to say the least. Maybe she had given him the money to buy the flat and wanted it back? I can't see any other reason why a son would sell his flat and give all the money away so their mother could have some nice holidays. I can't see why any mother would expect her son to do that either.

You shouldn't let the resentment fester within you. You've been in a relationship with him for a decade so he can't be all bad. You either need to find a way to deal with this issue internally or have it out in the open and see whether your relationship can stand the test.

We don't know the full facts, but assuming it was a mistake or bad judgement by your partner - should they really be punished for an action they took all those years ago? Does the past ten years not make up for it anyway?

FeckinCrutches · 10/12/2016 14:06

There must be more to it than this surely? He sold his flat and gave the whole proceeds to her to go on holiday and buy a van?
I don't really think it has anything to do with you when you had only been together a few months.

Original poster

CantMoveOnFrom · 10/12/2016 14:07

Please don't say I don't have the full story. I do. Please base your responses on what happened- the flat was bought with his inheritance. I swear this is why I can't reconcile it. She never loaned him anything.

OP posts:

mmmuffins · 10/12/2016 14:07

You really should have broke up with him at the time. You are being unreasonable as you decided to marry him knowing what you know about his relationship with his mother. Its so hard to stop emotions but I think you need to continually remind yourself you knew he owned no property when you married him.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/12/2016 14:08

It really wasn't any of your business at the time. If he'd sold the property and given his mother the money before you ever met, you'd be none the wiser and no worse off than you are now.

The whole thing is bizarre. What grown adult would accept the equity from their child's property? None that I know of. But I understand your discomfort. However, if your relationship is to survive and be happy you must draw a line under it and move on.

Did she lend him the money in order to afford the purchase and then her circumstances changed suddenly? Is she manipulative and greedy in other respects? Is he a died-in-the-wool Mummy's Boy? If so, you have problems greater than him just handing over his equity at the drop of hat.

Trifleorbust · 10/12/2016 14:09

Assuming full story, it was his money. I don't see that you have anything to complain about.

SnatchedPencil · 10/12/2016 14:09

Just read your second post, it is your business but you can't change the past.

It perplexes me even more why your partner agreed to it though - the money was his. You clearly need answers to get closure, he should provide them to you if he values you.

It might be that he felt he owed his mother, financially or morally. If his mother really was willing to make her son sell his house so she could have a holiday, it suggests she may have had a weird view of parenting when raising him.

Perhaps he is confused as to why he did it, perhaps he was manipulated, perhaps he just made a massive error. In any case if he can't or won't discuss it with you after ten years together, he never will be able to.

ChicRock · 10/12/2016 14:10

Well then you should have binned him off at the time, because if you have got the full story, then you've knowingly and willingly gone on to marry and have children with the biggest mummy's boy ever. Too late to be whining about it now. Suck it up buttercup.

limon · 10/12/2016 14:11

It was none of your business when you'd only been together a few months. Let it go.

FeckinCrutches · 10/12/2016 14:11

So his mother did buy the flat then?

Original poster

CantMoveOnFrom · 10/12/2016 14:12

You're all right I knew what I was getting into when I married him. I love him obviously - and you're right if this had happened before we had met I wouldn't have known about it. She is greedy financially yes.

I am desperate to move on from this I don't want my resentment ruining my relationship. I always have to pretend to think she's amazing and all our friends do as they don't know what happened but inside I am so angry with her for many small things but mainly this. I want to confront her but know that would be wrong. I just want it all out in the open.

OP posts:

viques · 10/12/2016 14:12

So what happened to your flat? Did you sell it? what did you spend the money on? Are you renting it out? Does the rent cover mortgage and outgoings and leave a bit over? Has it increased in equity enough to give you a deposit?

If we are expected to comment on what your OH did with a property a few months into your relationship you can surely tell us what you did with your property.

FriskyFrog · 10/12/2016 14:13

OP, I totally understand your resentment. I can't believe an even halfway decent mother would accept money on that basis from a child.

What is your MIL like generally? Do you still own your flat?

MatildaTheCat · 10/12/2016 14:14

I'd be upset too. Is there any way she could now repay the favour and loan you money towards a deposit to buy? If she owns a property she must have a lot of equity and could release some funds.

Since she presumably asked dh for help all those years ago she shouldn't mind him asking her. Most parents do want to see their children and families settled in their own homes. Discuss with dh and ask at least?

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