DH sold house to give MIL money

[CantMoveOnFrom]

This happened a long time ago and I am so bitter about it I really want to move on from it but I can't.

Myself and DH have been together for 10 years. When we met we both owned small flats. A few months into our relationship MIL said she needed money and DH sold his flat, gave MIL the money and moved into rented. We had only been together a few months and although I expressed my concern at the time I wasn't in a position to put a stop to it we weren't even living together.

My small flat is not worth enough for us to get a family sized home so we have been in rented ever since. I believe MIL manipulated DH into this- are there any parents out there who would accept this from their child? I don't know any.

She is not destitute has many nice holidays etc.

I try to forget about it but now we are struggling a bit and in rented accommodation with children and I am really bitter about MIL because of it. I don't mention it to DH as he thinks his mum is amazing and I don't want to upset him. I just can't reconcile a mother doing this or accepting this. How can I love on? I am so angry.

Op, is there more to this than you're telling us? What do you mean it was too painful at the time and he doesn't want to think badly of her? You're righting as if he was forced in some way to do this against his will?

Writing not righting! Doh!

Will your dh get an inheritance from mil eventually? Obviously I know wills can be changed and she could live forever! Idk how you get over it. I know it would annoy me especially if I couldn't afford a family home because of it.

My MIL would have done exactly this. Not only would she have happily accepted money to the detriment of her son (she has in fact, many times), she would have come back for more. It took me years OP but I have come to terms with it now and believe it or not we have an OK relationship (not great, but I can see her good points now whereas before she honestly choked me up with rage at times).

First of all, I stopped brushing it under the carpet - I challenged their financial arrangements (for example, I insisted that a joint account between my DH and his mum be shut down). I was very clear with his mum that I felt she should view all the money my DH gave her as a gift not an obligation. I also said I would not interfere if he wanted to give her cash, but I would not tolerate any ongoing commitments e.g. taking out credit cards in his name for her use. I'm making this sound simple but it took years, honestly, and there were months when we could barely speak to each other. However it did clear the air. We still will never see eye to eye about money - she thinks I'm controlling and I think she's grossly irresponsible (but do you know what? There's some truth in both of those statements). However I do recognise she has other good qualities and so day to day, we avoid the topic of money and get on quite well.

If you think she's been abusive OP then you could gently coax him towards counselling - you mention other things she's done.

My ex was told by his father that they would expect his help him acquire some land which he felt was rightfully his (big family feud over land where ex's uncle did not leave a will). It never actually came to that but I thought it very wrong that this was even said. So OP I completely get how you feel.

Your comments about him wanting to think the best of her remind me of the way I used to think about an abusive (toxic) ex, who completely coerced me.

How do you forget it?
Well how about you stop seeing you and your DH as the victims. He agreed to give her the money and then you decided to have a family with him. You are as responsible for the situation as DH and Mil is, once you acknowledge this you might be able to find some closure.

You could also stop treating your DH like some special snowflake who can't handle anything negative being said. He's not a child.

Incredibly selfish of mother in law.
I can see why DP would want to try not to think about it, but it sounds like a proper conversation about it is necessary even if only once.

I feel for you. Must be very hard not confronting and resenting MIL

Yes I should imagine he will have regrets but won't like to air them because he knows he was foolish. Some men seem to forever be trying to please their mothers, my DH was a bit like that, in fact I wouldn't have put it past him to have done something equally stupid. Most normal mothers would have refused and told her son not to be daft and keep the inheritance for themselves.She sounds very selfish.

But hard as it is you're just going to have to let it go op, it'll eat you up otherwise. Life is short and don't let what one selfish woman and her foolish (but good hearted) son spoil it for you. Nothing can change the past, if he was any other way you probably wouldn't have fallen in love with him. As the song goes "Let it go"

how do I forget?
You clearly 'forgot' about the issue when you said yes at the alter to him and conceived your children with him.

If I'm being honest, it sounds like you've had enough of being with him and want an excuse to leave which won't paint you in a bad light.

Your thread title is a little misleading. It suggests your husband sold your marital home to give money to his MIL.

But he wasn't your husband at the time, and it wasn't the marital home.

I honestly think you have to get over this and accept it.

But are there other issues aside from that? If she was a money grabber, wouldn't that behaviour continue to this day? Maybe she felt entitled to the inheritance for some reason.

Do you stand to inherit from her when she dies?

I'd suggest you seek counseling. This happened before you had any right to be considered in the decision. He did it at a time when, presumably, marriage and/or children weren't anywhere on his radar. Assuming that nothing similar has happened since, you are being unreasonable.

If you want to be 'mad' at someone, you should be mad at your DH for making the decision to go along with her. She asked (or manipulated) but HE is the one who had the ultimate decision, not her.

I agree that it's not something I would ask of my children, nor would my parents or iLs have asked it of us. But it is something I would have considered doing for them for great need (cancer treatment, financial disaster).

I know you've said there is no 'backstory' (between DH & his mother) but, I'm sorry, I find it hard to believe.

I totally understand your feelings because you and your family are still "suffering" as a result of his "generosity" to his mother.
And in all honesty, it's unlikely that you will either move on or get over it until you are in a nice house of your own, because of all the "what might have beens".

That is, unless you set up some alternative "what might have beens" - e.g. you might not have a job, he might not have a job, one of you could have been in an accident and be unable to work, etc. etc. The outcome could be worse than your current situation.
(This is a sort of old-fashioned "count your blessings" bit of advice)

That said, I would have some trouble letting it go as well - but would have to try and find a way because the resentment is not only hurting you, it could end up hurting your marriage and then that would also hurt your DH and DC.

In the end, he did what he had been conditioned to do. His mother is a selfish woman, for sure, and no I could never do what she did, wouldn't even consider asking one of my DSs to do that - but she did and had no qualms about it. This says a lot about her character, so I'd be steering well clear of her apart from superficial contact - BUT I'd also be keeping an eagle eye on finances (since they're tight) to ensure that she's not getting any more cash out of him.

I find it really hard to believe that you know the whole story, whatever you think. Personally, if it was my MIL, I wouldn't have mentioned it in passing just to see what her take on it all was. You may be surprised.
I don't agree with posters who say it is none of your business because if she really did manipulate the situation as you think, you need to watch your DH's back in the future for your family's sake.

wouldn't would have mentioned it in passing!

It was a few months into your relationship. Were you already thinking about marrying him at that point. Maybe the inheritance was a tax avoidance thing. Especially if it was big enough to buy a property for him outright. Otherwise it would all have gone to his Mum.
Not your business, what he did with his money when you just started dating.

The question is- how do I forget it?

You are talking about hindsight. We all have regrets in hindsight.

But none of us know what the future holds so we have to make decisions that seem like the right ones at the time.

Accept that.

You don't mention her making unreasonable demands since, so this appears that have been a one off. There must have been a reason at the time.You don't know the full story and, to me, it's quite worrying that you've never really talked about it, especially as it bothers you so much

I don't quite understand the default position that parents always have to give to children and that adult children do not have to and in this case, should not, give anything to their parents.

Surely some people appreciate all the blood, sweat and tears their parents put into raising them and that is to be applauded.

What happened to your flat, OP?

And why are you and your DH wasting your precious happiness on regretting something that happened ten years ago, instead of seeing what you can do about your future?

To forget about it, you make a decision to forget it and be happy. When you find yourself thinking about this issue, instead of dwelling on it, stop! Make a decision to think about something else - anything else! Put some music on. Do the washing up. Read a book.

If you find that hard to do, maybe consider a short mindfulness course - training your mind to be in the present, instead of going over things in the past or worrying about things that haven't yet happened. Obsessing about something over which you had no control then and have even less control now (i.e. still none!) is not going to change anything and you are just making yourself miserable. Decide to be happy!

i completely get the point about leaving in the past something OP can do nothing about, but am wondering if there's a risk this could happen again (or even if it already has)?

Since it's clear the DH doesn't feel able to discuss this - in fact that he finds it painful - how will he handle it if MIL comes back for more, once he and OP have built up more assets together?

Yes it all happened before OP was in a position to influence anything, but doesn't it signpost possible issues for the future which might be worth talking about?

He wasn't your dh when it happened or even close. Flip it on it's head- "my son sold his house and gave me the money just after he and DiL first started dating. The money to buy the house in the first place came to son when my husband bequeathed some to him. My now DiL is making an issue of it as if it were their joint money and I have conned my son into giving it to me. To be clear, they had only just started dating when my son gave me the money."