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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH sold house to give MIL money

149 replies

CantMoveOnFrom · 10/12/2016 13:53

This happened a long time ago and I am so bitter about it I really want to move on from it but I can't.

Myself and DH have been together for 10 years. When we met we both owned small flats. A few months into our relationship MIL said she needed money and DH sold his flat, gave MIL the money and moved into rented. We had only been together a few months and although I expressed my concern at the time I wasn't in a position to put a stop to it we weren't even living together.

My small flat is not worth enough for us to get a family sized home so we have been in rented ever since. I believe MIL manipulated DH into this- are there any parents out there who would accept this from their child? I don't know any.

She is not destitute has many nice holidays etc.

I try to forget about it but now we are struggling a bit and in rented accommodation with children and I am really bitter about MIL because of it. I don't mention it to DH as he thinks his mum is amazing and I don't want to upset him. I just can't reconcile a mother doing this or accepting this. How can I love on? I am so angry.

OP posts:

dowhatnow · 10/12/2016 22:58

But with your flat money as a deposit then surely the money you pay out in rent could pay a mortgage. Presumably you both work.

YANBU to be upset about it.

whattodowiththepoo · 11/12/2016 00:30

YABU it's none of your business.

LadyEloise · 21/02/2021 12:38

I can't imagine one of my DS selling a flat so I could go on holidays and/or buy a camper van.
I'd wonder about his intelligence.

Caramelwhispers · 21/02/2021 13:20

Why can't you sell your flat and use the money as a deposit for a starter home? Is there some complicated financial arrangement attached to the flat? Have you sought financial advice from a mortgage broker? Is there a reason why your flat can't be sold for deposit money?

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 21/02/2021 13:22

My MIL pulled some financial stuff on Dh, and even though it all worked out and we got our money back we suffered financial hardships with a newborn at home.
The relationship never recovered. Dh went NC and never looked back.
She's damaged her relationship with your Dh, chances are it will never recover either. He's the one who needs to come to terms with it and decide how you go forward.

Caramelwhispers · 21/02/2021 13:24

You can't change the past but you can change the future, you can take steps to protect your family's financial future. Have you made wills? Have you ring fenced your children's inheritance? Are joint savings in long term deposit accounts to your dh can't access cash to give to his dm. There are lots of proactive things that you can do to prevent this situation from happening again. Focus on that instead of the past.

Tistheseason17 · 21/02/2021 13:29

OP - You had this info at the time. You should not have married him if it bothers you. When your DH mentions it just don't respond. He's passing his anger to you and it appeases his thoughts - this is odd.

FlibbertyGiblets · 21/02/2021 13:30

Maybe 4 years on, the OP has had a change of circumstances.

fairislecable · 21/02/2021 13:40

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE!!!

SugarfreeBlitz · 21/02/2021 13:44

If the Father left the money to the son, not the wife, then it was his dying wish for his son to have it (not his wife, or maybe ex wife)

She really should not have got her hands on that money. But she has.
I really think it's too late to do anything about it, but if you want your relationship to last it would be good to find ways of getting past the bitterness otherwise the division will eat into your relationship.

VinylDetective · 21/02/2021 13:47

@CantMoveOnFrom

It wasn't his mums it was his money he got from an inheritance on his dad's side.

I like the comments telling me it is none of my business. I really need to get over this but I can barely stomach MIL for doing this I just can't believe a parent would.

Yet you can stomach the person who actually did it to the point of marrying him and having children with him? You might want to point your resentment in the right direction.

2bazookas · 21/02/2021 13:52

You knew the situation before you lived with DH and before you decided to have children.

AFTER  he sold his flat ,  gave money to MIL, moved  rented accommodation.  Despite his financial situation  you BOTH decided to move in together and have children.

 I can't see how his Mother is to blame for your behaviour or your decisions.

tribpot · 21/02/2021 13:59

This thread is from 2016

Viviennemary · 21/02/2021 14:06

Too annoying. She needs to pay the money back. But you knew the circumstances and still went ahead with the relationship. Why?

Livelovebehappy · 21/02/2021 14:10

I would be absolutely pissed off too. But your DH gave the money to her willingly by the sound of it, so I’d be directing your anger towards him rather than her. The fact he gave her money is absolutely fine if it didn’t impact your lives, but it does, as it’s holding your family from progressing to a bigger and more appropriate home. There’s not a lot you can do about it though. So on that basis you just have to try and park it to one side and make sure he’s aware that you will not have your lives compromised again by him giving hand outs to his mum in the future.

toolazytothinkofausername · 21/02/2021 14:11

@tribpot

This thread is from 2016

It is 2016. What year is it where you are?

poppyzbrite4 · 21/02/2021 14:18

I'd question the mental health of someone who sold their flat and gave the money to their mother for holidays. I could understand if she was in desperate need but not in order to maintain a lifestyle.

You say it's too painful for him to confront the truth of what happened but it wasn't a rash decision was it. He put the flat up for sale, sold it and handed over the money, all of which would have taken months at the very least. So it was a drawn out process that, at no time he thought twice about.

He didn't loan it to her either, he just handed over tens of thousands to his mother who didn't need it. The whole scenario is whacko OP.

poppyzbrite4 · 21/02/2021 14:19

ZOMBIE! It's still weird though.

SparkysMagicPiano · 21/02/2021 14:24

I'd wonder about his intelligence.

I'd wonder more about someone who resurrects a zombie thread from 2016.

MintyMabel · 21/02/2021 14:27

Stop thinking about what he decided to do and you tacitly agreed to by staying with him, and start thinking about how you are going to work together to get yourselves to the situation you want to be in? Do you both work? What happened to your flat?

If you insist it’s her fault you don’t have the life you want, you’ll never be able to forget it. Work to fix your own life, that’s the only way you’ll forget it.

MintyMabel · 21/02/2021 14:27

Ahh, shit! Didn’t mean to respond to a zombie!

noirchatsdeux · 21/02/2021 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MegsSmeg · 21/02/2021 14:30

When you say he "owned" the flat, do you mean he had no mortgage and literally gave her £100k+? Or do you mean he sold it and gave her what was left? Big difference between £10k and £200k for example. I think that would trigger different responses in me.

MegsSmeg · 21/02/2021 14:31

oh for God's sake, a zombie. Now I'll never know....

Devlesko · 21/02/2021 14:31

I'd be worried he isn't going to start giving family members any more money tbh.
That's years ago before you were really anything more than a new gf.
I'd be more annoyed I'd landed such a soft touch tbh.

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