DH sold house to give MIL money

[CantMoveOnFrom]

This happened a long time ago and I am so bitter about it I really want to move on from it but I can't.

Myself and DH have been together for 10 years. When we met we both owned small flats. A few months into our relationship MIL said she needed money and DH sold his flat, gave MIL the money and moved into rented. We had only been together a few months and although I expressed my concern at the time I wasn't in a position to put a stop to it we weren't even living together.

My small flat is not worth enough for us to get a family sized home so we have been in rented ever since. I believe MIL manipulated DH into this- are there any parents out there who would accept this from their child? I don't know any.

She is not destitute has many nice holidays etc.

I try to forget about it but now we are struggling a bit and in rented accommodation with children and I am really bitter about MIL because of it. I don't mention it to DH as he thinks his mum is amazing and I don't want to upset him. I just can't reconcile a mother doing this or accepting this. How can I love on? I am so angry.

You just really dislike your MIL, right? Well, fair enough, she doesn't sound lovely. But yes, I agree you need to let this go.

None of your business, you were barely dating at the time and had no right to tell him what to do. He's an adult and decided, for whatever reason, to help his mum out. Something lots would do for the person that raised them and cared for them.

You sound very grabby. If you want a bigger house, more money etc then go and earn it yourself. Marriage is supposed to be about love and commitment not money.

Ah! So he bought the property with an inheritance from his father. Money which his mother considered rightfully hers and therefore should have come to her in the first place.

She's greedy and manipulative, and he's a Mummy's Boy doing precisely what he's told. Not a good combination for a long, happy and equal marriage.

I fully understand your discomfort and resentment now. Still, you MUST try to put it behind you or it will continue to fester.

Just make sure MIL can't get her greedy mitts on whatever savings you might have in future or he could be blackmailed into handing it over.

You married a man whom you believe to be irresponsible with money. That was your choice. You had all the information before you made that commitment. Let it go.

How much did he actually get from the sale/give to his mum?
I find it really odd tbh. If she was on the verge of losing her home or too ill to work etc, then maybe, but not to buy a bloody camper van and go on hols.

Why would you do that to your child? It's hard enough getting on the ladder so to jump off it without the means to get back on again is just crazy.

Why did dh think it was the right thing to do?

are FIL and MIL divorced? If not, I can see if an inheritance 'skipped' PIL to DH, he might feel it should have been their money. (Particularly if FIL has died so money came to your DH rather than his Dad).

Has your DH properly explained why he did this, beyond the fact his mother wanted the money? If you've never really explored that with him, it's odd you went ahead and married him anyway.

Have you considered asking DH to ask MIL for money so you could move into a larger property, mentioning the flat money he gave her?

My reading is that it's not the flat sale you resent, so much as the having to pretend she's lovely. Are you not allowed be honest with your H about how you see her? That's the real problem.

Where's your flat in all of this?

I can't understand any mother accepting this sort of cash from a child, either, not unless it really was some case of dire need or emergency. And even then I'd hope she'd eventually pay it back.

But then I've heard of quite a few very selfish/toxic parents, who very likely wouldn't think twice. Me, me, me, as the old grannies used to say...

Well then you should have binned him off at the time, because if you have got the full story, then you've knowingly and willingly gone on to marry and have children with the biggest mummy's boy ever. Too late to be whining about it now. Suck it up buttercup.

This^

You're blaming the Mil for the fact you chose to have a relationship and with someone who can't provide for you in the way you would like and is a doormat. Your choice.

So the original money came from an inheritance anyway, I.e. "bonus money". He could have blown it all on a car or given it to charity, both of which would have been entirely reasonable for a young single man.

Isn't your main issue that you've married a man who can't keep you in the style you think you're entitled to?

Why are you focusing on his mum? The key question is why he did this. It's very very unusual. Has he told you why?

You say you can barely stomach her because of it, but she can't have made him do it, so he did it willingly. So the question is why? If it wasn't hers and he didn't owe her, why would a grown man willingly sell his home and give the money to his mother? It makes no sense whatsoever.

How much money exactly are we talking about? £5k? £50k? The amount makes a difference Imo.

You say the money came from his dad's side of the family. Are his parents divorced? Does he feel his mum got short changed (did his dad not pay maintenance or similar?) and this was his way of making amends? Had she paid to put him through uni etc and this was to make up for that?

Leaving that aside, if you both owned property / had mortgages you could afford to pay when you met, why could you not have sold your flat and used the equity for a house? I don't get why you're stuck in rented if you owned a property previously.

I can understand why this is really really frustrating for you, OP. You and your DH are struggling in rented accommodation and IF ONLY he hadn't given all that money to his mum you would be able to buy a place and have a much nicer life. IF ONLY!!

But he did and there's nothing you can do about it now. No good can come of holding on to the bitterness. Try to focus on what you have to be grateful for in your life and don't think about what you could have had.

This is something my MIL and SIL would do. However, it's done and nothing can be done to change the past. Yes, it's annoying that it was spent on luxuries but your DH gave her the money and she could do with it as she saw fit.

There's absolutely no point in upsetting yourself by dwelling on this. All you can do is speak to your DH that no further money is given to her unless you both agree.

You can't change the past. You can't change other people's behaviours. You can stop dwelling about it and focus on what you are both going to do to improve your situation. Best of luck.

It was your DH's doing. He could have declined to give away his inheritance. I wonder if the fact you already owned a flat swayed his thinking.

You still don't have to like her, mind.

The main issue as I see it is that the OP has married a weak man who can be and has been ruthlessly bullied by his mother. Who everybody else thinks is utterly marvellous when only the OP knows the truth. That's a really uncomfortable place to be.

YABU

It was his house, his money, his mother. And you're blaming her for HIS actions - typical of many MN threads moaning about MILs.

I wouldn't bring it out in the open. It'll make you look greedy and money grabbing - exactly what you blame her of.

How did it happen, as in did she say something like "Can I have your inheritance money so I can buy a camper van and have holidays", or did he think it was for more important things? Either way it's bizarre, and yes of course you'll feel resentment, you've every right to be. If he still had his flat you'd be able to get a house.

How would he feel if you told him you've decided to sell YOUR flat and give the proceeds to your mum, dad, sister or whoever. I don't believe anyone who says they wouldn't be resentful in this situation.

However what's done is done, the only way forward is to try and put it out of your mind, try not to let it eat you up. Does HE have regrets about his foolishness?

You own a flat and your renting?
Your better off than most Op if I'm reading it right. It wasn't your money so move one

Thank you.

hearts I believe he does have regrets but it's too painful for him to confront the truth of what happened at the time so he convinces himself it's all worked out for the best. He sometimes makes little comments about it but if I agree he quickly changes the subject. I honestly think it's a huge regret of his but he won't speak openly about it as at the end of the day you only have one mum and you don't want to think badly of them if at all possible do you.

The question is- how do I forget it?

OP, you're clearly unwilling to forget it. If you stop dwelling on it you will find it much easier.

""It's bizzare".

This! Unless you're going to say she demanded and bullied him to sell his home and give her the profit and then move into rented. and he was too weak and mentally feeble to say no, then he is responsible for doing this.

If you do have the full story then I'm sorry but his actions were strange, to say the least. I wouldn't be surprised if you brought it up to mother in law you found something else to this story, but if you're absolutely sure then your bitterness and questions should be on him.

The whole thing is totally bizarre if this is the full story.

How do you forget? You just decide that's what you're going to do. It's actually not hard once you've taken that decision but like giving up anything else, you have to really want to stop.