DH sold house to give MIL money

[CantMoveOnFrom]

This happened a long time ago and I am so bitter about it I really want to move on from it but I can't.

Myself and DH have been together for 10 years. When we met we both owned small flats. A few months into our relationship MIL said she needed money and DH sold his flat, gave MIL the money and moved into rented. We had only been together a few months and although I expressed my concern at the time I wasn't in a position to put a stop to it we weren't even living together.

My small flat is not worth enough for us to get a family sized home so we have been in rented ever since. I believe MIL manipulated DH into this- are there any parents out there who would accept this from their child? I don't know any.

She is not destitute has many nice holidays etc.

I try to forget about it but now we are struggling a bit and in rented accommodation with children and I am really bitter about MIL because of it. I don't mention it to DH as he thinks his mum is amazing and I don't want to upset him. I just can't reconcile a mother doing this or accepting this. How can I love on? I am so angry.

Apologies for incorrect use of apostrophe.

I don't blame you what a wretch of a woman she is spending it on holidays and a camper van. Her son has to then rent after he gave up his only stability at the time. What a Bitch.

So many many many other people do not bring property to a marriage. We know nothing about what the arrangement was. It wasn't OPs money to give away.

The op posted her husband regrets it but cant bring himself to talk about it. Would you do that to your child I wouldn't dream of it. Their are selfish parents out there. The op also posted that it was his dad who left money to him not mil him.

Get it 'out in the open'?

Jeeze, you really hate her don't you?

We don't know about the MIL situation- maybe holidays and a camper van helped her combat depression. Maybe she strong armed her son into giving the money to her. We just don't know. Because op was not married or even engaged at the time.

What reason did your DP give at the time for complying with the demand, OP?

His compliance was every bit as bizarre as her demand.

I too was able to buy property via an inheritance. If either of my parents had come to me and said, "I'm in a tight spot, I need you to sell your flat and give me the proceeds", I would have declined.. Unless their lives were literally at stake, as in the case of needing expensive treatment not available through the NHS.

I would naturally have tried to help them raise money through other channels, and in the worst case scenario, given them shelter if they were made homeless. But I wouldn't just sell my house and hand over the money so they take holidays.

What your husband did is inexplicable, unless of course, there is another explanation.

None of your business at time or now. Nice he loves and cares about his mother. Be grateful you have a compassionate husband and move on.

Why did the father leave money to his son and not his wife?

My situation is vaguely similar but from the MIL perspective.
My DH split from his partner and signed over the house to her so that she and the teenage children didn't have to leave and he moved into rented accommodation. There was no affair on his side (I met him 8 years afterwards). She died a few years later and the children inherited the property.
My DH got a mortgage and bought a small 2 bed house and when we got together, we sold both houses and bought somewhere together.
The adult children rent out the house and have bought their own houses. Their monthly income is much higher than ours.
We're both retired now and the rental income from the family home would make a huge difference to our finances. We haven't had a holiday for several years and our car is quite old.

However, I'm not bitter because it all happened many years ago and no-one has a crystal ball. I get on well with the adult children and that's really all that matters. In fact, I think it's very sad that the children's mother isn't around to enjoy them as grown ups. That's the only aspect that's really unfair!

I think you need to stop think of what that money could have been used for as it wasn't yours to use anyway. If he had made a bad business investment and lost the money at this time in your relationship you wouldn't feel any right to that money now. He regrets it so is unlikely to do it again.

I think it's just an extra thing (but a big one) to fuel a dislike for MIL. What you actually need to do is just accept it happened, be polite and civil with her for him but keep a guard up too.

I don't see what good can come of bringing it up or what you would want to happen as an outcome. Surely most of the money is gone, she's not going to sell her camper van. All that will happen is it will cause a divide and whilst you hope it might be between your family and MIL, it's more likely going to appear between you and DH, who did nothing wrong but think he was helping his mum out.

To those saying they cant believe a parent asking a child for money, I can, as that is exactly what my DB is like.

He has never worked, his wife does but sends a lot of her money back to her home country. They were bankrolled by DM for many years, including a deposit for a house (main capital provided by SIL millionaire employers as a mortgage, paid back out of wages). DM stopped paying him 2 yrs ago, when I found out about the deposit and monthly cash.

Fortunately for DB, his DD was a beneficiary of a cousins will around that time (my DC also in will so I know exactly how much she got). My niece is 21, a student, likely to settle in SE, but DB thought nothing wrong in demanding money off his DD to make up for what DM was giving him. And my niece has given him it from what I understand, too scared I think to stand up to him and so no.

DM since died and DB got his inheritance, but I don't think he intends paying back what he has taken off his DD.

I can see her feeling similar to your DH in the future, Op, bitterly regretting handing over some of her inheritance when she cant afford to get on the property ladder.

So yes, there are parents out there like this!

OP you didn't respond when someone asked if your parents were divorced.

My parents split up about 20 years ago. My father definitely diddled my mother out of her fair share of the family cash (he used to hide bank books and the like).

So when he died earlier this year, I sensibly paid off my mortgage with the money he left me, but I also gave my mum £10K to buy a new(er) car. Because I felt that it was hers anyway.

I'm not sure I would have say used the money to pay off her mortgage (she doesn't have one) rather than my own though.

What you describe is rather strange.

OP - you want to forget it, but really you need to deal with it first before you do that. I would sit your DH down and say that actually, you're finding it hard because you don't really know what happened and why he gave the money to his mother, can he tell you why?

It does matter where the inheritance came from - if FIL and MIL are still together or FIL had died, and the inhertiance that DH got to buy the flat in the first place is one that normally you would have expected to go to FIL (and either it didn't because the dead person chose to overlook FIL or FIL had died and the money skipped to DH whereas if FIL was still alive it would go to him), then I can see why the family really could see that money as rightfully being MILs. I know that my grandmother threatened many times to skip one of her DDs, my Aunt, out of her share of any inheritance and leave it to the DGC because she didn't like that my Aunt took back her DH after various affairs. (In the end she didn't, but as she went in a home there was bugger all left). The wider family would have still seen that as my Aunt's share.

It might help you deal with it if you get to the bottom of the background of who left DH the money and why not to his parents. If you can find out what MIL had said as to why she needed him to do this, and why he felt he had to. (If it is the case that in other circumstances DH wouldn't have inherited in the first place, that might help you come to terms with it).

I wish my sons would do that for me ( only joking). I would never let them, and I don't understand why your dh has.
You need to have the conversation. You're both avoiding it but you need closure and I understand why. Good luck.

what happened to your flat?

You married him.

You knew about it a few short months into you relationship and you still married him.

You made your bed, you're lying in it right now.

Was your position, as a homeowner, material to her asking or his decision? An idea that it was ok as he had somewhere to live and could cast his lot in with you now?

He wasn't your DH and she wasn't your MIL. Sorry, but it's difficult to see clearly what's happened here because your op is not accurate.

Why are you ignoring all the posters who have asked where your flat is in all of this?

Is it rented out whilst you also rent or have you sold it too?

I doubt you have the full story OP - either he was repaying his mum, or she's an abusive parent.
Either way it was your dh decision to sell.

Providing adequate living accommodation is something both of you should have thought about before procreating - that is no one's responsibility but the parents.

It's your dh you should be angry at and resentful...not mil.

and anyway...surely the thought of getting that money back - and more - once mil pops her clogs should be enough to 'let it go'?

I can't really understand why you are so angry about it now all this time later? If it was such a big deal to you, why did you marry him?

I would also be interested in how much money we are talking about. Selling your flat to pay for your parent to go on holidays does not seem normal. I know you say you have the entire back-story, but you don't know the dynamics of their relationship before you and DH met. There may be a reason why he decided to do that and with the level of resentment you feel towards it now, he probably can't talk to you about it.

I agree with others- your issue is with him. Why don't you have it out with him and ask him precisely why he decided to do it (the real reason).

But don't try to ruin the relationship between them. Sadly, blood is thicker than water and if you meddle, he may choose her over you. It's happened now.

I don't get why you didn't /don't sell your flat and then put that as a deposit down and you and dh get a mortgage on the remainder

Or do you rent it out?

How much was dh flat and how much did he give mil? Tho TBH it was his money and up to him what he did with it

I think OP is only angry now because she feels the past situation is to blame for her family's current overcrowding issues...and for her not being able to fulfill her dream of owning her own house...and for her dh not being in a position to provide it all for her.