AIBU that it's unfair to stop giving my children but not the other grand children??

[Mamabear101]

My mil and fil decided to give all of their grandchildren a small sum of money each year a few years back. At that time my dh and I had no children together though he had 2 children from previous marriage. His brother also had 2 children. We have since had 3 children. Our children have never received the money in the way that the others have - ie monthly over term time. Instead they have been given the full sum in cash. But here's the thing - our third dc was born months ago and to date has had nothing from them at all - not as much as a pair of socks to welcome him to the world. And none of out children have received the cash that they usually get at all this year. My pil are very wealthy - 4 foreign holidays a year, 2 houses, 2 cars etc (both inherited a lot of money). My dh raised the issue of the children's cash with them a couple if days ago (just before their fifth foreign holiday this year). His mum told him they can't afford to give out children the money so they won't be getting it. The other 4 children will continue to receive theirs. Aibu to be furious about this? They're not back until 23 Dec and supposed to be coming to us for Xmas day but given how they're treating my kids I don't think I can stomach it....

I don't think they necessarily are being unfair. If they have only benn giving money for a few years the older grandchildren would not have got any when they were the age of the younger ones. Therefore they could stop the older grandchildren's payments in a year or two and start giving to the younger ones.

Their money, their choice how to spend it. Being completely objective they could be thinking the brothers two children get x2 set amount but your husbands kids from first marriage also get x2 set amount PLUS your husbands new kids get an amount as well so husband is getting much more than the brother. I know that's accounting at parent level but your 5 are getting more than your brother in laws 2.
Don't be jealous it eats you up. Make a lovely Xmas lunch and help grandparents love all your children instead of starting a fight over nothing much at all.

YANBU. It's either really unthought out of them or if it has been thought about, is passive aggressive and uncaring. Its not about the money its about the emotional value of the gestures, which given they never have you over to theirs and you're doing all the work to sustain the relationship, doesn't look like a lot is nurturing you. I'd say something to them about feeling hurt that the kids aren't being treated equally as the others and would they consider spreading the gifts out across. But of course it's their choice how they spend their money, just as it's your choice how you spend your time. I might cook Xmas dinner then not ask them over again much.

I think they probably started this , like previous posters have said, at a time when they thought they would only have 4 grandchildren not 7. Add to that the fact that anyone with money in the bank that was making a decent amount of interest for them a few years ago, will have seen a dramatic reduction on their income due to the drop in interest rates. They may still have 2 houses and several holidays a year but not have the disposable income they used to have. Look at it this way, if they died and left everything 50/50 between your DH and his brother, that would seem fair, but years later when that inheritance is passed on to the grandchildren , yours would get proportionally less because there is more of them.
They have communicated this poorly though and caused bad feeling. What I find strangest though, is not allowing the GC's at their house and with that in mind I think you would not BU if you told them that they couldn't come to yours for Christmas a it's not a place for grandparents!

Exactly capricorn. My Dp's intended to start a policy for all of their grandchildren but when they got a lot more than what they had thought (there are 11 and counting) they weren't able to do it for subsequent children, but are still paying into existing ones. There is no malice intended and at the end of the day even though only one of mine will get it, it means that age 18 my eldest will have money in the bank for driving lessons and possibly a first car, which will ease my burden and I will do my best to make it up to my other dc. I don't see the money being a determinant of their love.

I would assume that they feel trapped into continuing the payments to the older grandkids who expect, and based on what you've said, even demand the money, but with your three they can stop now before your kids are the same. It sounds as though they spend more time with your kids than the others from what you've said too, so perhaps it is also their way of trying to be a part of the other kids' lives.

I can see why you'd be upset by this but it's their money after all.

Perhaps start sending money to the parents in that case - no reason child just take rather than give!
Perhaps they have a religious objection to second marriages or somethnig like that or feel the first famly are already losing out because their son seems to think he can support 5 children when most people can't.

'Dh raised the subject of the DC cash with them'

Cringing on his and your behalf....Sounds like it's been taken for granted.
Talking about their numerous 'foreign holidays' is a little crass. Their 'cash' up to them.

Honestly - now I know the ages of the children their attitude makes much more sense to me.

Teenagers and uni students "need" their own cash in a way that primary school children don't. And it sounds like this has only really started since the eldest children have been teens.

Wouldn't surprise me at all to find that the grandparents had planned to stop the money as the students leave uni, and then start giving pocket money to the youngest as they enter their teens. Of course, not something you can enquire about and the second you start making a fuss and asking then you risk getting their backs up and changing the plan - and not in favour of your children.

Oak I agree with you. Teenagers do need their own money. I suspect that the grandparents may feel that the money for the younger children is actually subsidising their parents more than anything else.

And the status quo is actually unfair on the older children. They got nothing as younger children but their siblings do. The actual equal way for the situation to work would be for the OP s children to get nothing until they're about 11. That would also be fair on the grandparents as it would mean they were only shelling out for 3/4 grandchildren at a time rather than 7.

I think the OP is playing a dangerous game as they have no obligation to do any of this and if they are treated as though they do they may well decide that if it's unappreciated it's going altogether.

Our children have never received the money in the way that the others have - ie monthly over term time. Instead they have been given the full sum in cash.

I am rather perplexed by this. What is the issue of getting the money in a lump sum rather than monthly?

I understand how you are feeling, however...

What I find very off is that your DH went asking them where the baby's money was (at just4 months old)
Also the eldest grandchild asking for money to be doubled at uni.

If the whole family are asking grandparents for money (who actually does this?) this is probably why they are putting their foot down now.

It had never occurred to me until last year but on holidays I always see people celebrating or having fun at a restaurant after they have spent the day having fun outside on rides, beach etc or on a short holiday. Not everybody feels obliged to ALWAYSg take the time and trouble and host the feast for everybody else to enjoy.

OP, why don't you exchange gifts when it is convenient for you and then spend some time out?

OP, if you are both professionals you could save the money that the grandparents could have given you so your children will have some money saved for the time when they start university (if they want to) IF you are not already doing it of course!

I think it is up to them how they dish the cash out ... although you might like an explanation of how it's being done (and in their shoes I would see fit to give one), they are not obliged to explain. I agree with people who advise being grateful for what you have had/will be given. Asking when you will get more makes it sound as though you take it for granted. Personally I don't see a problem with DGC who need more money being given more, in the same way that grandparents may help one DC with childcare (using their time) more than others. Try to think no more of it, keep your Christmas plans and focus on enjoying everyone's health and happiness; if you allow your feelings to fester it could really eat you up and spoil things for the future.

Your DH should have said, we know there's a lot of extra children now so don't feel obliged to do the same for the younger ones. Not ask where the cash was.

The older ones likely get far less anyway now as their dad moved on and has a new family to support so they don't get a proportionate share of his salary now like the younger ones do.

Wow, I realise I am a very naive person and probably damaging my kids' interests.
I have never ever wanted to get any money from relatives and even when they have offered, tried to return them. To ask someone grand parents or In Laws for regular amounts of money only because I feel that they should be able to afford it, and keep procreating and expecting the same arrangement for the new babies, sounds very unreasonable to me.
And that's why I will probably never have much money.
Sounds unreasonable to me but maybe I'm wrong. I wish I could put my family's interests above everything else.

Icing I think it's in your family's interests to be on good terms with people . I sort of get where OP is coming from but if I was the benefactors, knowing it was expected rather than gratefully received, and that scores were being kept would make me sad.

Icing I can assure you it is definitely not normal to try to get cash out of anyone. I too was brought up with the "polite refusal" when offered money and it is something I have brought mine up with too. The above situation sounds really quite bizarre.

I think this is complicated because the amount of money, over years, is not trivial. No doubt the gifts are tax efficient but I would expect all grandchildren to be treated the same because resentment will build up if they are not. It might have been easier to give money directly to their sons so they had the same. If they have more or less children, that is their choice.

Families who don't talk about money usually have unresolved issues with it later down the line. Unfair wills, favouritism, massive inheritance tax bills etc. It pays to have family discussions where there are larger sums involved so it is fair and everyone understands what is going on. It is not about greed or being grasping, it is about financial planning. Better that than years of pent up anger manifesting itself at Christmas. The grandparents here do need to discuss their financial arrangements with their sons and not favour the older grandchildren which appears to leave the younger grandchildren without financial gifts.

The grandparents here do need to discuss their financial arrangements with their sons and not favour the older grandchildren which appears to leave the younger grandchildren without financial gifts.

They don't need to do anything.They can do what the heck they like with their money.
Both sons offspring are getting the same in total, so I don't see how her DH can have a gripe without being a massive entitled twat.it is only the Op's DC who are getting nothing, but as they are not the OP's parents I don't see what right she has to grasp at the money

Well, yes, December, I agree the gps have no obligation; but while both sons' first two children are getting money, the 3 younger children aren't. When you say "Both sons' offspring.... " all the children are offspring of the two sons, and 4 of them are getting money and 3 of them aren't.

Sorry, but I think yabu. There's a huge difference between 4 and 7 gc's and the older GC who at uni are probably relying on the money, and have bills and living costs to pay.

all the children are offspring of the two sons, and 4 of them are getting money and 3 of them aren't.

So if the OP went on to have another 4 children do you think that the GP's should still pay out to all of them? The OP said herself that the money only started when the eldest children were around 8. I cannot comprehend why anyone would get worked up about a 4 month old not receiving a monthly amount. None of the older children received it at this age.

OP is "furious" about it, yet goes on to say it is not about the money, although OP's children are the only ones who got it from birth, so perhaps the elder children should be furious that they missed out on this cash cow for so long?

OP YABVU and petty if you are not going to host them because of what you perceive as loss of your dc's salary. I feel very sorry for these GP's, it seems the whole family are at them for money! Good on them for having four holidays a year.

I understand the frustration I have many issues with the outlaws too. They have treated my dc like shit,basically ignore them and then try a "buy their way in" by sending random gifts. When o returned gifts and said its about presence and not presents I was told to f right off and they want fa to do with my dc. Then tried to send 1 dc (I had 3 at time) a Xmas gift of tights. 😣 people are nuts