AIBU that it's unfair to stop giving my children but not the other grand children??

[Mamabear101]

My mil and fil decided to give all of their grandchildren a small sum of money each year a few years back. At that time my dh and I had no children together though he had 2 children from previous marriage. His brother also had 2 children. We have since had 3 children. Our children have never received the money in the way that the others have - ie monthly over term time. Instead they have been given the full sum in cash. But here's the thing - our third dc was born months ago and to date has had nothing from them at all - not as much as a pair of socks to welcome him to the world. And none of out children have received the cash that they usually get at all this year. My pil are very wealthy - 4 foreign holidays a year, 2 houses, 2 cars etc (both inherited a lot of money). My dh raised the issue of the children's cash with them a couple if days ago (just before their fifth foreign holiday this year). His mum told him they can't afford to give out children the money so they won't be getting it. The other 4 children will continue to receive theirs. Aibu to be furious about this? They're not back until 23 Dec and supposed to be coming to us for Xmas day but given how they're treating my kids I don't think I can stomach it....

They seem to be operating a last in, first out policy with their employees grandchildren.

Maybe they think because they're the youngest, they won't miss the money as much as their older cousins, who've been used to receiving it for longer.

Not likely to engender fuzzy feelings with you and your husband though.

Hallowed

Why was it crass? They told op and their son the children would get the cash no matter what. Now they're reneging on the deal. Isn't it normal to enquire - a simple "I noticed that dcs haven't received the money you normally give them." No demands there.

TBH they sound just like my mother. Liars. Mother promised me umpteen things growing up then the promises never materialised.

At what point do we stop making excuses for people like this and start calling them out?

YANBU. It's their money and maybe they've now made a decision to spend it how they want, as they are older and have the time to. They probably know they can't stop the other payments as they already started it.

Mummyoflottledragon the older children are all at uni and refuse to work!!! Eldest granddaughter (favourite) asked for money to be doubled when she got to uni which pil agreed to unbeknownst to everyone else and then felt they had to give same amount to the others when they also sent to uni!!

I have similar situation too. My dh's older DC from first marriage get around 5k per year and hundreds of pounds spent at Christmas from PILS. My DC get either one present each costing about £30 or £20 cash in envelope.
It's not the actual cash value that is the issue. My DH and I can provide more than enough presents etc but it is the clear discrepancy in treatment that is hurtful.
They are all DH's children - none are more important than the others but neither should any be treated as less important.

Why not take the lump sum you get for dhs older 2 and split it between the 5 kids your dh has. Then pil are giving the same to each household.

ALittleMop

I do agree with you there. I did think the same thing before I posted. I'm talking about the principle, not the greatest need.... However, in reality clearly the gps can afford to do both and are choosing not to.

For all we know, these people may not last until the children in ops family are grown up and then they'll never have had the cash to put to one side, which they could have used for university. It's no guarantee her dh will inherit.

Why not take the lump sum you get for dhs older 2 and split it between the 5 kids your dh has. Then pil are giving the same to each household.

Because it's not his money to do that. The money belongs to the older 2 DC and it's not their father's place to deprive them of that in order to "equalise" the situation.

I would be very upset about being treated differently to the others. But it is only money and life is short.

Are they are good PIL/Parents/Grandparents, aside from this money issue?

I wouldn't cancel the Christmas invite, this close to Christmas.

Aha

Just seen your post. Mmmm. Taking money from gps because they have a voice and your kids don't.

The only other thing your dh could perhaps discuss with them is putting cash in trust for the dcs. To protect them when they get to university.

It sounds as though his parents are feeling very put upon financially if they've succumbed to pressure and doubled the amounts. Then they are acting out against you and your dh probably because you will be easier to slap down. Very unfair.

"Eldest granddaughter (favourite) asked for money to be doubled when she got to uni which pil agreed to unbeknownst to everyone else and then felt they had to give same amount to the others when they also sent to uni!!"

Students probably need the money a lot more than your very little children. Eldest was cheeky but students are taking on massive debt which unless they are very well paid they have little chance of paying off until their 50s. Maybe your children will be similarly supported in the future?

The GPs did not start giving the older lot money until they were much older - in their minds this could be something to do with fairness also. Maybe it all boils down to that in the GPs minds in some way. Fairness between DH and Bil. Fairness between those at uni (who then get double).

It sucks of course, but perhaps they just don't understand how hurtful that seems to you, especially if, as you say they and DH are not close.

Because it's not his money to do that. The money belongs to the older 2 DC and it's not their father's place to deprive them of that in order to "equalise" the situation.

But if the pil would have to reduce everyone's money to give the youngest 3 that would happen anyway.

Again, I am not saying it's fair. But it would make things more equal. Pil would be then giving both sons the same amount of money for their children. They could discuss this with the pil.

I got a small amount of money for dd when she was born, from my grandfather. I didn't for ds because there were loads of great grandchildren then and circumstances changed. So I split the money between both my kids. My oldest is more than happy with that.

My DM asked me to be an executor of their will quite recently. I agreed on the proviso that all of us ( four siblings) were treated equally. She was very surprised because she felt/ feels that some are in much more need than others. That's perfectly true.

I explained that unfairness is a fundamental feeling we keep from our childhoods and parents/ grandparents just have to treat all of the DC equally or risk real upset and fallout.

She did then see my point of view and agreed. I haven't seen the will so I'm just hoping they have done what she said.

I think your dh should speak to the GPS and tell them just this. Treat them all the same. No favourites no second guessing who is most in need. If they are short of cash and they might be with low interest rates, terrible exchange rates they need to re evaluate all of their giving and make it the same all round.

Christmas is a separate issue though. Be gracious.

Sounds like they have an issue with their son's second marriage, and/or people having more than 2 children.

It's not fair and I would be smarting. Challenging them is never going to end nicely though, because they are never going to be able to say "I don't think you shold have had so many children in your second marriage" without losing face because they know that sounds awful. They'll make up some other reason and you'll still never get to the bottom of it.

If cass was given in the past when more money was available before your babies were born and right now none of their children get money then that is understandable.

If no children got cash ever and they were rich then that is fine.

But to currently give more to some grandkids and not others isn't nice. It's the principle, the inequality and I would be hurt too. It would be unfair for you to treat your parents as more favourable grandparents than your DH so why are certain grandkids given more?

From what I've seen on MN adults accepting any form of financial subsidy from parents for themselves or their children is a recipe for disaster.

However, YANBU to be upset, it's wrong that they are treating their GCs differently.

Money is never just money when it is gifted. It is also symbolic; sometimes of how much the giver values the receiver, sometimes how much guilt the giver feels, sometimes how much control they exert (and a whole lot of other things). It is always more than just money, it has a lot of baggage around it too.

OP, you're hurt because to you it shows that your PIL do not value your children. Given that your wedding present, a cheque, mysteriously vanished back into their pockets, I'd suggest that to the PIL, money symbolises control, not affection. Having inherited so much, they do not have a healthy relationship with money (or their children, it would seem).

I think your PIL are playing a rather nasty game. "We're very involved with them ... They aren't hugely close with dh's brother and wife." They're trying to buy your BIL/SIL but have decided they don't have to pay for you, you're 'free' (what the rest of us would call normal and loving). Money is used to control and gain access to the others.

I think you need to have a discussion with them. I think your DH preferably, or you, need to tell them that you are hurt and bewildered by their treatment of you and the children. That you cannot understand why they took their wedding present back (yes, you need to raise that too, it's part of the problem) and why they are choosing to treat the three youngest children differently from the others. That when they are old enough to notice your PILs preferential treatment of their older siblings/cousins and ask you about it, you will not be able to answer because you do not know. And that the children will think that their grandparents love them less.

I would not have them for Christmas. It would make for a very awkward day, and not at all nice for the children. I'm sure they will be able to make alternate plans. And it will give them a chance to look at themselves v(although I doubt they will).

I think you are being given incredibly poor advice re cancelling Christmas and reducing contact.

From what I'm reading I suspect that this has become a problem because what was done as an (incredibly generous) kindness on the part of the grandparents has now become an under appreciated expectation. They don't have to give any of their grandchildren money. It was a nice gesture which should have been appreciated. If the people receiving it start griping about how and when it is received and making resentful counts of the number of holidays they're taking and their spending habits I can't imagine that they'd be feeling particularly enthusiastic about continuing the arrangement. It will have become an unpleasant burden rather than a pleasurable gift.

Perhaps your husband could speak to them about treating the grandchildren equally as that does seem to be an issue. But I would suggest an alternative of savings accounts with access at 18 being set up for your children. Because really I can understand why they are feeling reluctant to hand over money to you and your DH. You don't seem to appreciate how kind the gesture is and view it as something you have a right to rather than a generous extra.

Cancelling Christmas or reducing contact is possibly the worst thing you could do. You would be sending a message to your ILs that your children were pay per view and that if they failed to handover cash you wouldn't allow them to be involved with your family. If you do that they would be quite correct to view you and your DH as grabby and mercenary and you might well find that any will no longer has you or your children included at all and that any inheritance goes to people less likely to view them as a cashpoint.

If they start giving the youngsters the same now, the older ones will have had far less but guessing the OP is ok with that as it's in her favour.

Perhaps the grandparents feel more responsible for the older two as they have a split family and miss out on DHs income, time etc.

Given how much the OP talks about their finances, it's very likely the grandparents think they are being used hence no extra money. Or maybe they think two children is enough and that the son was wrong to have another three.

I think given your youngest is 4 months old, and prior to asking they had given your other two a lump sum each year, it was a bit premature to be asking where the 4 month olds money was!

Seen another way:
Bil has two children who each get £X per annum. Total = £2X pa
DH has five children who each previously got £X pa. Total £5X pa
GPs think that is unfair to BiL, for some reason. Maybe BiL also thinks it.

Whatever, you need to keep totally out of it, though. DH's parents, all DH's children.

I agree with whoever said be gracious. Enjoy Christmas with them. In the NY let DH talk to them and have a proper conversation to try to understand their thinking, not framed around "where's the cash?".

FWIW I bet one of the other GCs has been tapping up the GPs for more money, which they have felt obliged to even out.

Agree with whereyouleftit
They are taking the piss because they know they can. Start by asking for your wedding present back.
Then make it clear that your DCs are not second class citizens. If the GPs are on hard times, they can reduce/cut off money to all GCs.

Maybe this is about something more fundamental about not 'approving' of your dh second marriage and family.

To me it sounds like they entered into this with 4 GCs, paying out (let's say) £50 a month to each. So £200 per month in total.

Then eldest needs more so they pay her double. So it's gone up to £250 per month. Then next 2 go to uni so it's gone up again to £350 per month.

Now you have three more children, that's another £150 per month. In fact if they really wanted to be fair it would now be £100 per month for each of them.

That's gone from £200 per month to £700.
That's a big difference and I can see why it could be an issue!

YANBU to be annoyed and hurt but YABU to assume that they can just afford to carry on.

My DD was set to get 1/3 of a trust fund. One of the other beneficiaries is older so she already took her 1/3. Now there are 2 more beneficiaries so DD will only get 1/4 of 2/3. Not great. But that's how the cookie has crumbled.