AIBU that it's unfair to stop giving my children but not the other grand children??

[Mamabear101]

My mil and fil decided to give all of their grandchildren a small sum of money each year a few years back. At that time my dh and I had no children together though he had 2 children from previous marriage. His brother also had 2 children. We have since had 3 children. Our children have never received the money in the way that the others have - ie monthly over term time. Instead they have been given the full sum in cash. But here's the thing - our third dc was born months ago and to date has had nothing from them at all - not as much as a pair of socks to welcome him to the world. And none of out children have received the cash that they usually get at all this year. My pil are very wealthy - 4 foreign holidays a year, 2 houses, 2 cars etc (both inherited a lot of money). My dh raised the issue of the children's cash with them a couple if days ago (just before their fifth foreign holiday this year). His mum told him they can't afford to give out children the money so they won't be getting it. The other 4 children will continue to receive theirs. Aibu to be furious about this? They're not back until 23 Dec and supposed to be coming to us for Xmas day but given how they're treating my kids I don't think I can stomach it....

The GPs might not have gone about it the right way, but they shouldn't be obliged to stick to something they decided to to for their grandchildren 20 years ago when there are new grandchildren that keep coming along with such a big age gap.

If all the grandchildren were roughly the same ages then it would be unfair for them to get such different amounts, but the age gap here is huge, so it is relevant. In the last 20 years their income may have gone down while the cost of living has risen, just like for the rest of us, so it's understandable if they can't afford to be as generous with their second batch of grandchildren. The fact that they go on holidays and have a comfortable lifestyle is irrelevant, surely no one would expect them to compromise their standard of living because their adult son chose to have two families?

One thing I wouldn't do, is make a song and dance about it to your children, don't make them feel their grandparents don't like them as much as their other grandchildren. I feel everyone has the right to do with their money as they see fit, but if it were my child being singled out and left out, it would annoy me too.

Families can be fickle.

Yes, it's their money and they can do what they like with it, just like you can do what you like about having them for Christmas Day.

Personally, I would want to ask her why my children were being treated differently, but only if I knew for definite, that my husband would be on my side should it cause a rift in the family.

Sorry you feel hurt by this, I know what you are feeling! My MIL loved playing the 'divide and rule' game. She did it with her 3 sons and tried to do it with her GCs, telling me that one GC was her priority! Not my DSs!
The result was that 2 of her sons and our families were not spoken to for years, but our DCs are decent well balanced adults. We remain close.
The other favoured one, has a huge chip on his shoulder and can barely communicate with his brothers!
MIL passed away a very sad person. A sad situation all round.
Just get on with your own family Christmas and enjoy it.

Tell your parents in law you can't host them this year due to the unexpected extra expense of setting up your own trust funds for the kids, since you don't want them getting any less than their older siblings and cousins. They can spend Christmas with their favourite grandchildren instead.

I can see that it's the unequal treatment of different GC that's upsetting. It is hard to understand.

So, I would ask DH to go back to them about it, to get a better understanding and to explain how it makes you feel.....not to demand money or to make them feel guilty, but just to clarify.

• be clear that you accept it is their money and they can do as they wish with it
• be clear that you understand their finances might have changed and they can afford to give away less
• say you don't understand why they have decided to give to some of the children but not others - can they explain that, because you are struggling to understand that aspect of it - the differing treatment.

I think seeking clarification in a calm and rationale way will be more productive than silently seething about it, or refusing to see them over Christmas. It maybe that having to think about it and explain it flags to them the unfairness of it and they change their mind, or it could be that they have some kind of rationale which will become clear to you (you might still not like it, but at least you will know why)

Maintaining a good relationship with them into the long term for the same of all of you is important. Moving into the future with an underlying resentment isn't conducive to this.....so get DH to bit E the bullet and address it. Hes had one conversation about it, so it's obviously not totally taboo.....really important to not go in aggressively or critically though, but from an angle of just needing to understand.

I'd be fucking livid. Christmas dinner invite would be revoked and I'd probably have told them I'd give the money I'd saved from not hosting them to my kids. In fact I think my dh would have cancelled them as he wouldn't trust me to do it, I wouldn't be gracious or subtle. I'd probably tell them not to darken my door ever again.

Looking at the original post again, I can see that the GP might have decided to give equal amounts to the 2 sons' families. One son has 2 kids, but the other has 5. In their minds it might seem fair....and it's their money so it's their choice.

The problem comes when decisions are made way back, when financial circumstances and nos of children were different. They prob never expected their DS to have a second family, nor to have to give to 3 further kids. If they chose to give your family the same as the brothers, but to let you divide it 5 ways, I could understand that.

It is what my DHs maiden aunt is doing - she is dividing her wealth amongst her 3 nieces and nephews equally, with each third to then be shared amongst the niece/nephew and their children. So, the single niece will get a big pot of cash, whilst the nephew with 3 kids will see his family receive the same in total, but each person get 1/4 of the amount that the niece will get. I can see the reasoning....and it's her money, so she can do what she likes and we will be glad with anything we receive.

OP I can see it is hurtful if your kids are seen as less important because your DH has already had his share of the money and that has gone to his first 2 kids. Perhaps they judge his choice to have a second family and that added to their constrained circumstances have affected their choice. It's not kind and it's not inclusive, but it is their choice. You are not entitled to anything from them and your kids are not entitled to equal financial treatment.

I think your DH would do well to explain to them how you don't understand their thinking and finds it hurtful. I think understanding their reasoning, even if you don't agree would help you.

However, see the relationship with his parents and your children's GP as more important than the money......you'll need to work hard to overcome this, but you can do it and be gracious and you will gain as a family if you do, in ways more than financial....so be the big ones here.

For those who have clearly not read the whole thread, the money was first gifted around 8 years ago, not 20. Although op had no children at that time, she had had more than one mc, so clearly, more gc were a real possibility. ILs stated that money would be gifted to all go, however many there were, so a definite indication that they planned to include any children OP might have in the future.
OP add lsi stated it was a small amount of money and that the older gcs were given more than her own dcs. She has not complained about this. All she has complained about is that gps have now moved the goalposts and decided they can no longer afford it so have therefore stopped the money for the younger three, rather than stopping it for all of them. That is blatantly unfair and imo, very wrong. It is fine to stop money for all gcs, but not fine to single out ops children.

The thing about gifting, is that no one is entitled to a gift nor to an equal sized gift - it is within the hands of the giver.

Our relationships with our parents and inlaws are more important than the cash they give us. Those calling for them to be de-invited from Christmas are ridiculous - such behaviour would make the OP seem like a money grabber. If the GP have some kind of issue about second families and the fact their son had 5 kids, such behaviour will confirm their sentiments.

It would be okay to ask for clarification about their reasoning, in a polite, respectful way. Beyond that, accepting their choice is the only thing to be done. Perhaps OPs DH should ask his parents if they would like them to share what is being given to the older 2 amongst the 5 and see how they respond to that.

I would tell my dh you understand it is their money to give as they please but your home to share with who you please and having them there at Xmas would spoil it for you as with them there you cannot forget they are snubbing your baby. Get your dh to un-invite them.

But the GPs are giving to 2 or his children, so it would seem very rude for him to uninvited them.As I have said before if your DH is unhappy with the situation then he needs to negotiate with his older DC to share the money.
Another point I haven't seen made yet, is that the gifting to the other 4 GC started when they were older than the OP's children
Op you sound horribly grasping, demanding that the GPs should subsidise your DC.I just cannot get my head round it!

Chocolate, you are right that no-one is entitled to a gift, however, in this case the gps expressly stated that they would give cash to ALL gcs, however many there were and indeed, was giving to ops older children. They have now decided to withdraw that gift from them whilst still giving to other gcs. IMO, that is wrong. They are sending a clear message that these gcs are not as important to them. If, as some pps have suggested, the ILs have an issue with second marriages in general, or this one in particular, expecting to be hosted by op at Christmas is somewhat hypocritical.

I agree that moving the goal posts isn't a good idea and can see why it has caused resentment.

I maintain that DH should have another chat with his parents to clarify what their thinking is behind it....however this is unlikely to happen until after Christmas.

OP is hurt and I can see why......but she now does have a choice how to respond, whereas she doesn't have a choice about what her inlaws do. Choosing to not spend Chrostmas with the inlaws will have long term effects on the relationship and will make DH having that conversation to understand the thinking virtually impossible. A knee jerk reaction, done in anger is never the best way to respond to these things. Take a deep breath, realise that the relationship is more important than the money, that there might be progress with this money issue in future and that you can be a bigger person here and stay gracious. They might have made an odd choice which seems to go back on their word and to be unfair.....you can choose to remain kind and friendly and to keep relations open for all 5 kids into the future or to react in a way to close down a key relationship in all of your lives. Don't seek revenge, but breathe and resist......this will work itself out one way or the other and the 5 kids having GP in their lives is more important than you making your point about feeling hurt.

I get that you see this as inequality.
The thing is money is the root of evil and tears families apart! If I had a choice between time spent with grandparents or money I would choose time every time! My paternal grandfather was a funny old bean who didn't spend much time with us growing up (apart from my brother ) and chose to fall out with me before my fathers funeral. We never spoke again 🙁
Their money their choice.
They may not be as well off as you think & if they are you can't demand money because somebody else got some. I'm sure you're kids aren't going to starve and what they don't know won't hurt them. Getting gracious and let it go

'For the love of money is the root of all evil'. Not money itself.

No! I'm sorry mamabear101 never said she expected the money and from what I understand it is not the actual money that is the issue! I'm sorry but to give then take away, but still give to other grand-children is just plain out mean! Don't give to any if you are short or split what you can afford between them all.
Nothing at all for new born? Sounds like they aren't happy with you for some reason...

It's not the money - it's the unfairness of it. Why discriminate? Why not give to all but give less? Why not give to none rather than make part of the family feel rejected.

I think it is a spiteful thing to do.

I would poison their turkey.

Why not give to all but give less? Why not give to none rather than make part of the family feel rejected.

because the older chil;dren have gone to university on the understanding that this money will eb coming in each month..Look at it this way , if they were not giving this money then your DH would need to contribute to their living expenses, taking away from what is available for your DC

ChocolateWombat has given great advice in my opinion. Yes, you are hurt and your DH needs to have further discussions with the GPs to understand their reasoning but it is nothing to do with Christmas and you should not change your plans.

I'm a bit hormonal and this has made me rather sad. I hate it when family members aren't treated equally. I would have to have it out with DMIL. I'd need to know how they could justify it.

But surely the point is that they aren't obliged to justify it in any way .

they aren't obliged to justify it in any way
This x1000.

I don't think it's about money, it's about fairness and treating all grandchildren as equal.
Forgive me if I'm making assumptions OP, but your PILs are 'properly loaded' aren't they? And you and your DH are not in need of the cash? In my experience money has been used to bestow favours or to show disdain. It really sounds to me as if they don't approve of a second marriage and subsequent children.

I didn't have my wedding present taken away from me, but I've been manipulated with money in the same way. I'm not from a seriously wealthy family but one of my parents (they divorced forty + years ago) has done pretty well, and that parent has long used money to manipulate affections. It's awful. My manipulative parent lies to other siblings (and anyone else who will listen) about what they give to whom. I've been given a reasonable amount over the years but I now always try to refuse - I don't always get a choice as they know by bank account details.

My PIL were mum more straightforward. They had little money but they gave a tenner a month to the kids' bank accounts and all were treated the same.

In the OP's case the clearly loaded family could choose to give at least a small amount to the younger GCs. It sounds as if they do have the money. They are happy to splash out on the older charming students.

I would hate my kids to be treated as second class.

Why are you describing the students as "charming"? It sounds as though you're making a judgement about them (probably not a nice one) based on nothing. Do you think they've got this money through foul means in collusion with the grandparents to spite the OP's children?

I meant 'charming' in a nice way. One of the GC has asked for extra money and got it - clearly knows how to ask nicely.