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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it's unfair to stop giving my children but not the other grand children??

201 replies

Mamabear101 · 10/12/2016 10:36

My mil and fil decided to give all of their grandchildren a small sum of money each year a few years back. At that time my dh and I had no children together though he had 2 children from previous marriage. His brother also had 2 children. We have since had 3 children. Our children have never received the money in the way that the others have - ie monthly over term time. Instead they have been given the full sum in cash. But here's the thing - our third dc was born months ago and to date has had nothing from them at all - not as much as a pair of socks to welcome him to the world. And none of out children have received the cash that they usually get at all this year. My pil are very wealthy - 4 foreign holidays a year, 2 houses, 2 cars etc (both inherited a lot of money). My dh raised the issue of the children's cash with them a couple if days ago (just before their fifth foreign holiday this year). His mum told him they can't afford to give out children the money so they won't be getting it. The other 4 children will continue to receive theirs. Aibu to be furious about this? They're not back until 23 Dec and supposed to be coming to us for Xmas day but given how they're treating my kids I don't think I can stomach it....

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 10/12/2016 11:12

Well it sounds like they are a bit weird, then. I wouldn't blame you for not wanting them round at Christmas when they are making it clear they don't intend to treat your children in the same way as their other GC.

MycatsaPirate · 10/12/2016 11:12

YANBU.

My parents buy my dc small presents at christmas and buy my nephew much more. That's fine, I don't care about that as we NEVER see my parents at Christmas as my sister, her DP and nephew go there every year. We aren't invited as they 'don't have room'. Bearing in mind that they used to live in a 3 bed house and only recently moved to a one bed flat, I find it hard to stomach.

They don't want to spend any time with my girls either but my nephew goes to them every week for dinner.

It's clearly favouritism and it hurts.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2016 11:14

Tbf I would be reducing contact with them, if they treat your grandchildren less favourably than the rest. They can blooming go to their other gc for Christmas day. It is not on or acceptable. Noway I could stomach cooking Christmas dinner for them, when they think so little of your children. Your dh needs to have another frank talk when they come back I am afraid, as its going to create a huge problem. If they are not budging, I would reduce the gc contact with them. They reap what they sow.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 10/12/2016 11:15

Aeroflotgirl - so if the OP and her husband continue having children, let's say another 3 or 4, should the PIL stop having holidays so they can afford to treat all their GC equally?
Unless the PIL specifically promised that they would continue to provide an equal monetary gift for ever GC born regardless of the number then I think it is perfectly reasonable of them to give what they can afford only.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 10/12/2016 11:15

Give them egg and chips while you and youre children tuck into full christmas dinner and all the trimmings then say sorry but we cant afford christmas dinner for everyone so youre not getting any , but then as ive always been a kind person and ive had many people take advantage im more likely to treat others how they treat me

Oakmaiden · 10/12/2016 11:17

On the other hand - they give cash to their first 4 grandchildren and always have done. Two of these grandchildren belong to your husband and two to his brother. They have decided they are not going to be so generous with their final 3 grandchildren (all of whom are your husband's children).

I wonder if the thinking here is that giving an equal amount to all 5 of your husband's children would somehow be unfair to his brother? Because - say the amount is £20 per child - they would then be giving £100 to your husband's children, and only £40 to his brother's?

At any rate - the second your husband said "where is the money for my youngest child?" it is likely to have got their backs up. And I would imagine your children are fairly young? Maybe they don't feel they need/want the money so much yet? Whereas older children it is like pocket money, a baby/toddler doesn't need pocket money....

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2016 11:19

Shagg then they should reduce the payments to ALL grandchildren, or stop them altogether, not treat op children less favourably.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2016 11:21

That means giving op children nothing! and treating them not as well. That is a form of toxic behaviour, I am sorry it is!Sop when they are 18 or whatever, other grandchildren have got a big sum of money from their grandparents, but op nothing. It is not right.

Trifleorbust · 10/12/2016 11:23

If they were giving the money to the parents and saying, "Here, distribute this any way you want" it would be different. They're not, they are giving directly to the children, so I don't think it should be relevant how many of the children belong to each of their children. They should give what they can afford to each of them, even if that means reducing the amount they give the older ones (I expect that is the root of the problem - not wanting to disappoint the older GCs).

Original poster
Mamabear101 · 10/12/2016 11:24

Our children are 8, 4 and 4 months old. 8 and 4 year old were fertility assisted and third was complete surprise! Do no more. On hearing about third baby mil immediate response was "how are we going to afford these grandchildren". That was the only response!! The money has only been given for about 7/8 years. Older grandkids are 21, 19, 19 and 16.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2016 11:26

The most sensible thing would be for them to stop payments for the adult gc, and just for the ones under 18, so there is no un fairness.

Original poster
Mamabear101 · 10/12/2016 11:26

Shagged when the money was first introduced they did say it would be given to each Child no matter how many grandchildren there were but we had had a couple of miscarriages at that stage and I dont think they though we would have any together.

OP posts:
shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 10/12/2016 11:26

I'm not saying it is 'right', I'm just being devils advocate and suggesting that might be the way the PIL see it

It is ultimately up to the PIL what they do with their money so there is no 'should' about it

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2016 11:28

Yes it is, but it is not right, and op dh can raise the issue with them, but if they are adament that is how its going to be, it would make me think less of them, and reduce contact.

GrumpyDullard · 10/12/2016 11:29

I agree with Oakmaiden's assessment. One of their DS's has 2 DCs, the other has 5. The parents are giving both brothers' families the same amount, just that one has to divide his 5 ways and the other 2 ways.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2016 11:29

Noway could I face entertaining them on Christmas day.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 10/12/2016 11:29

In that case OP then YANBU to expect them to gift your third child some money at some point. You might however want to think carefully about how you go about requesting the money without appearing greedy or demanding. If they promised all their GC would be treated equally then I would trust their word and let them make things equal in their own time.

MissMarplesHat · 10/12/2016 11:30

Yanbu, how unfair.

GrumpyDullard · 10/12/2016 11:31

Wow, I'm slow at typing!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/12/2016 11:33

Brother and I were treated differently as children. My father gave my brother the ideal childhood stuff he'd like to have had. Think scrap cars, motor bike, pony - all started way before he was 12 and was also allowed a dog (I wasn't as one dog in the house was enough apparently and I couldn't want one as I showed no interest in brother's dog - the reality was brother would have beaten me up had he caught me touching the dog). My mother never compensated for me. But apparently we were treated equally 😞😡

My father is deceased now. If my mother ever ever had the audacity to treat my dd differently, I would hit the roof. She did try it on about a year ago, telling me my dd needed a smack and she wouldn't turn out well for apparently bullying her uncle (my 6'2" mid 40's muscular brother) [WTF??]. I have a dd, brother has a ds (mother thinks males are superior Hmm ). Soon put paid to her nonsense with dd.

What would I do? You've organised Christmas. I'd be adult and still do it. However, I'd get your dh to list the details of the 5 bank accounts so that his parents can add them to their monthly dd. I'd forget about the lump sum owed but I would expect equal amounts for each child from now on even if it means the others getting less. If they refuse, then I'd have no qualms at quietly withdrawing from them.

HallowedMimic · 10/12/2016 11:34

It was unbelievably crass of your husband to ask where the money was.

I would imagine that having decided to give the older children a small sum per month, they'd be pretty pissed off at being 'expected' to throw their own monry at three additional much younger children whose existence they couldn't have for seen.

Your children are not cash cows. Perhaps the grandparents feel they see enough of the younger ones, at your instigation, to negate the need to forge a connection through cash.

Scooby20 · 10/12/2016 11:35

It is unfair. But I assume their this king is that they give to 2 of each of their sons kids. They perhaps feel it would be u fair to say to the older ones that they can no longer give to them because more gc have been born. So left it at the first 4.

I am not saying it's OK. But presume they think know they have done it in a fair way.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/12/2016 11:36

Fgs just read your post. Why are they still giving to a 21 yr old and 2 x 19 yr olds??!

ALittleMop · 10/12/2016 11:38

I bet they think it would be unfair to BIL to give to DH's younger children. That BIL would want more from them to even it up.

ALittleMop · 10/12/2016 11:40

Mummy - the 21 and 19 year olds probably need the money much more than little children do. Especially if they are students.