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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it's unfair to stop giving my children but not the other grand children??

201 replies

Mamabear101 · 10/12/2016 10:36

My mil and fil decided to give all of their grandchildren a small sum of money each year a few years back. At that time my dh and I had no children together though he had 2 children from previous marriage. His brother also had 2 children. We have since had 3 children. Our children have never received the money in the way that the others have - ie monthly over term time. Instead they have been given the full sum in cash. But here's the thing - our third dc was born months ago and to date has had nothing from them at all - not as much as a pair of socks to welcome him to the world. And none of out children have received the cash that they usually get at all this year. My pil are very wealthy - 4 foreign holidays a year, 2 houses, 2 cars etc (both inherited a lot of money). My dh raised the issue of the children's cash with them a couple if days ago (just before their fifth foreign holiday this year). His mum told him they can't afford to give out children the money so they won't be getting it. The other 4 children will continue to receive theirs. Aibu to be furious about this? They're not back until 23 Dec and supposed to be coming to us for Xmas day but given how they're treating my kids I don't think I can stomach it....

OP posts:
SouthWindsWesterly · 10/12/2016 13:00

OP can't divide the amount given to the older two as

A) it's done by direct debit presumably into their accounts
B) the older siblings are not children

Benedikte2 · 10/12/2016 13:01

Surely the older GC should be regarded as receiving the money in their own right as grandchildren and not because of the identity of their fathers. It is of no direct benefit to BIL or DH .
MILs reaction when told of 3rd pregnancy is strange but very telling. It almost sounds like FIL agreed to double the older 4s allowances without thinking through the implications and they have bitten of more than they can chew and it is harder to sustain their lifestyle.
I'm betting that their wills say property etc to sons equally and if they should predecease testator then grandchildren to equally share their father's share ie BIL's 2 get half and DH's get one 5th.
I think the only way is to be upfront and say you aren't so much worried about the monetary value but the unfairness of the situation, that you feel your DC are not as valued by their GP's and this is hurtful to you.
Have Christmas as normal and see what happens -- maybe a change of heart re gifts etc and then on that basis approach them as above afterwards.
Good luck
PS emphasis this is baby's first Christmas and what a little miracle he/she is!

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2016 13:15

I agree with Benedikte, its not the money, but the unfairness, and the feeling that they are valuing your gc less, than the others. That is a good approach.

DinosaursRoar · 10/12/2016 13:39

right, so there are 2DGC that are your BIL's kids, 2DGC that are your DH's from previous marriage and a further 3 from yours to DH? The oldest 4 are all getting money monthly, your oldest 2 previously got money but now nothing.

I would say your DH should suggest to them the money they are giving 2 of his DCs monthly is now divided by all 5 of his DCs if they can't afford to keep at the same levels. That way the amounts they are giving between the two 'families' of each of their DS's are the same.

You can get your DH to explain to his adult DC that the grandparents aren't as wealthy as you all thought (!) so can't afford to give at the same level as they have in the past to each family.

That would be fair. It's shit that the older ones will get less, but then the reality is if you are one of 5 siblings rather than being one of 2, there's less money to go around per child.

Memoires · 10/12/2016 13:48

I reckon it's guilt money. They don't see the others so give them dosh, but they have actual rl relationships with yours. Which is more important to you?

SnatchedPencil · 10/12/2016 13:56

It's their money and they are allowed to spend it how they like. It's not very nice though, you certainly shouldn't show them any favours if they treat your family in this way.

There is clearly more to it than just not being able to afford to treat their grandchildren the same. They presumably don't like your side of the family very much - maybe not on a conscious level, but there are obviously issues with you that they are expressing in negative ways rather than trying to address them.

Your choices are simple:
a) Put up with it
b) Speak to them and see if you get anywhere
c) Tell them to go to hell and cut all ties with them

You have to decide which option works best for you. The nuclear option might seem extreme, but if they aren't willing to treat you fairly, why should you give a shit about them?

In any case you should not allow them to visit you on Christmas day. They've made their bed and they can bloody well lie in it. If it fucks up their Xmas plans, so be it!

ALittleMop · 10/12/2016 13:58

Dinosaur that will never go down. Can you imagine how OP's DH's Ex might view that? And in any case it's up to the GPs to decide where their money goes.

I reckon it has just escalated, perhaps at a time when their disposable income is dwindling (shares/interest etc). It would help if OP understood their reasoning, but principle of equality aside, sort of understand their reasoning that if they have committed to supporting several young adults through university, they can hardly withdraw that - and therefore pre-schoolers and babes-in-arms may need to wait, and the older children only started getting any money when they were a good bit older.

ALittleMop · 10/12/2016 14:01

You have to decide which option works best for you. The nuclear option might seem extreme, but if they aren't willing to treat you fairly, why should you give a shit about them?

Because it's not an episode of Eastenders, and a conversation not centred around "where's my baby's cash bung?" might be illuminating.

user1481255172 · 10/12/2016 14:08

I understand where you are coming from but that's not right to expect money whether they give it to others or not. At the end of the day it's their money they can do what they want it's unfair that they tried to do something nice and ended up getting angry sons and daughters. It is your responsibility to ensure your kids have money and you can't thrust that on anyone else. I know I sound harsh but it's the truth they have dreams and plans themselves imagine yourself in their shoe and you had to cough up x amount... You should be aiming to get their love and affection for your children not their bank account x

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2016 14:31

Your missing the point user they are treating the kids unfairly. What if that was presents, they were giving them to their other gc, but not ops, would that be right, of course not! The same thing, it's not the money but the principle.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 10/12/2016 14:34

Totally disagree with the posters saying it's their money, leave it at that. Yes, it's their money to spend as they wish but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to get cross about it. It's incredibly unfair on the younger ones if gp's are genuinely not intending to give equally. Especially poor to treat siblings differently. I would adjust your DH to chat it through further and at least suggest they treat his kids the same, even if that means no money for any of them.

stitchglitched · 10/12/2016 14:42

It sounds like they didn't start giving money to the older GC until they were teenagers so maybe they will do the same with the younger 3 when they get to that age? Otherwise your DC would end up with much more over the course of their childhood. Asking where your 4 month old's money is is really rude imo.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 10/12/2016 14:47

Okk so let me get this straight?

Previously the 4 oldest grand children got their money but it was spread out over the year, your two children also got money but it was in one lump sum. They have not given anything to the youngest(4 month old) this year yet so your DH decided to confront them? They in return said they are not giving anything to the younger ones this year.

Lelloteddy · 10/12/2016 14:52

It's their money, to do with as they wish.

It makes perfect sense to continue giving money to teenagers as they grow into adulthood.

I can't believe that people are actually encouraging you to cut contact with them. Perhaps they are under financial pressure that you know nothing about? Perhaps they have health concerns that you know nothing about?

Whatever their reasonings, you have no right to expect anything financially.

saoirse31 · 10/12/2016 15:19

I can't believe your dh asked his parents where the money for his children was. How rude. Perhaps you should explain the meaning of the word gift to him. Weirdly entitled and greedy.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2016 15:26

Not greedy or rude. I am sure there would be no issue if no money was given to any gc. But they are being treated unfairly. Mabey when your kids are older they will be given!

MrsDustyBusty · 10/12/2016 15:30

I'd say the chances of that have been greatly reduced by asking where the money they're supposed to be getting is.

Personally, I'd say they're sorry they ever started this and don't want to start again because, in fairness, you all sound like a bunch of ungrateful brats.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 10/12/2016 15:42

But Aeroflotgirl I think the OP's two children did receive money previously, it was just in one lump sum. They just haven't bought anything in the 4 months for the baby so the DH confronted them and they said in return that they are not getting anything for younger 3 because they can't afford it.

wwyd123 · 10/12/2016 15:43

It seems to me that when the elder children where old enough for pocket money you pil gave them pocket money.

Your children are too young for pocket money . They are being treated the same as the older children didn't receive pocket money till they were 12+ yet you want your children to receive years worth of extra money.

Yabu and grabby

Ahickiefromkinickie · 10/12/2016 16:06

I couldn't stomach seeing them at Christmas.

CPtart · 10/12/2016 16:19

My PIL came for DS birthday last weekend (fair enough he's 14), we fed them and had a nice day out with the cousins. And they gave him a small box of maltesers. I'm sure the usual monetary gift was an oversight, but they only have four GC altogether. They'll go to the ends of the earth for SIL two DC of similar age. I can guarantee their birthday presents have never been forgotten.
YANBU.

happychristmasbum · 10/12/2016 16:22

YANBU - I wouldn't have them for Christmas. They are playing favourites and it really isn't fair.

I agree you just have to suck it up as it's their money, but equally, you can invite, and disinvite whoever you want as a guest.

Boysnme · 10/12/2016 16:35

So if the older kids have only been getting the money for the last 7/8 years and are likely to get it stopped in the next few years (assumption of see them through uni) maybe their plan is to then start giving to yours at the same age and see them through to the same age. If they give to yours now then in the long run your get way more (assuming they give to the same age)

Ultimately though unless you know how they are planning to make it equal then they are showing favouritism to the older kids and this would grate on me. Not a lot you can do about it though so either deal with it and carry on or retreat slowly and gradually lessen efforts and contact.

MrsDustyBusty · 10/12/2016 16:39

Still though, do they really want this crap for the next 20 years? They are probably wary of making more commitments that are going to lead to more demands and would prefer to be let alone about money now.

BabyGanoush · 10/12/2016 16:45

This kind of thread gives me a headache, why so entitled, why?

My PILs pay for some of their GC's private school education, but not ours.

It sometimes rankles a bit, but ultimately they don't owe us anything and we can look after ourselves, and we'd still have them for Christmas dinner happily.

They are always lovely and kind, and the money is theirs, not ours.

If you want to have more money, go earn it yourself.