AIBU that it's unfair to stop giving my children but not the other grand children??

[Mamabear101]

My mil and fil decided to give all of their grandchildren a small sum of money each year a few years back. At that time my dh and I had no children together though he had 2 children from previous marriage. His brother also had 2 children. We have since had 3 children. Our children have never received the money in the way that the others have - ie monthly over term time. Instead they have been given the full sum in cash. But here's the thing - our third dc was born months ago and to date has had nothing from them at all - not as much as a pair of socks to welcome him to the world. And none of out children have received the cash that they usually get at all this year. My pil are very wealthy - 4 foreign holidays a year, 2 houses, 2 cars etc (both inherited a lot of money). My dh raised the issue of the children's cash with them a couple if days ago (just before their fifth foreign holiday this year). His mum told him they can't afford to give out children the money so they won't be getting it. The other 4 children will continue to receive theirs. Aibu to be furious about this? They're not back until 23 Dec and supposed to be coming to us for Xmas day but given how they're treating my kids I don't think I can stomach it....

OP and her DH will know best if favouritism is really coming into play here or not. Chances are it's more about perceived immediate need and will be rebalanced in future.

Of course the DH could tell his older kids he's decided that they're going to get their monthly support from their GPs reduced so their infant step-siblings can build up a nest egg, but I don't suppose that will feel especially fair to them, particularly as they didn't receive similar as small children. Nice way to build up a bit of resentment between everyone though.

But none of the other grandchildren got money when they were your children's age, so why should yours?

^Exactly.

As they receive the money monthly over term time this would insinuate it is for living costs due to education. It does seem that this isn't a case of just wanting to build up a nest egg, the GP's want to help with the cost of life, which young children do not need (as OP said)

Them not buying the youngest dgc even a token present at birth is rather bizarre though, assuming that they usually buy the others.

Based on OPs posts earlier, the money was originally paid when the first four gc were aged between 8years old and 13 years old. So not just to help out with university costs. OP also says that GPs expressly stated that ALL gcs, whether born at that time or not, would be gifted money and indeed, OPs two older dcs have been receiving it until gps decided they can no longer afford it. It would be easier to understand if all gcs had their money stopped, but to stop for ops children whilst still paying for the others is nasty and, imo, mean-spirited. I'd be suggesting they arrange to spend Christmas with their other son because I could no longer afford to host them for Christmas every year.

"At the time of our wedding they contributed nothing - and we didn't even get a wedding present from them Because they gave us a cheque that they somehow held on to after the wedding and then never gave us it back....! We've always been too embarrassed to say anything about it😳"

To everyone who has posted that it is the PILs money they can spend it as they please, OP so entitled etc. etc. - what do you think of the PILs behaviour over the OP's wedding?

So they disapprove of second marriages?

That's what I'd assume from both the wedding cheque behaviour and the treatment of your children.

Or perhaps they just don't like you? Did they particularly like your dh's first wife?

(THat's not meant meanly, whether they do like you or nwhether they don't like second marriages, I think taking it out on children is pretty nasty.)

Thinking about it a bit more.

So they have 4 gcs, and they think that's it. With 4 gcs we can afford to tive each gc money every month, so they set it up. They're not expecting any more gcs; maybe dh's ex has said she won't be having any more, and bil has said that too.

And then there's the split, and then their son marries again, and lo! more gcs. So they duly give money to their 5th gc, and then their 6th, by which time they're thinking "oh goodness, this is not what we expected and we don't have the dosh, and now they've had a third (our 7th gc) and how many more are they going to have? And for each we're going to have to give more money we can't afford aaaaargh better stop this now." They've done it gracelessly. Maybe they're really panicking though.

If you won't have them at Xmas then you face the danger of confirming that you're only nice for a price.

Again, having a real relationship with gps can be incredibly fulfilling and enhancing. If the only thing is the money, then I'd ignore it and concentrate on building good strong bonds with them for your children's sake.

If this is only one of a huge number of difficulties the ILs carry with them, then your children aren't going to be helped by a few quid here and there anyway.

Mem is probably right. There needs to be a limit really. That's why giving to your children and not grandchidlren is fairer. I will leave all money to and make major gifts to the children. If each child has 10 children or none it will not affect what my children get. I think that is the best way.

To everyone who has posted that it is the PILs money they can spend it as they please, OP so entitled etc. etc. - what do you think of the PILs behaviour over the OP's wedding?

I don't think anyone would expect their parents to pay for a 2nd wedding? So that certainly isn't being unreasonable. As for a cheque for a wedding then surely it would only be a small amount as a token gift? I would imagine about £250 tops? (that is my top amount for wedding of close family member)

How much money is actually involved in all this ?
Wedding cheque?
Lump sums?
Per month amounts?

I feel sorry for the poor PILs -talk about 'no good deed goes unpunished!'
Can you not understand that they can't afford to give to your DC.the older kids are at uni and rely on this income to make ends meet.The GP have paid to 2 children for each son and I can see why they think that it is fair.If you don't, then it's up to your DH to ask his older offspring to share with your 3 kids. (good luck with that)
You can't just keep producing and expecting other people to keep coughing up

The parents probably had an end date in mind as well. A new baby extends that by 20 plus years.

Exactly, bigredfireengine.

They now see their money having to stretch on for years and years ahead. What with the economy being how it is, Brexit meaning who knows what in the future especially for pensions and benefits, and they're already saying it's harder for them to afford it. I honestly think that you just have to suck it up, along with all the other things second partners have to suck up. It's a whole new generation for the ILs to cope with, and you need to be understanding about that.

And you will also have to suck up the fact that if dh inherits half from IL along with BIL, then (if he shares) your children will get less than BIL's because dh will be sharing with his firsst two children, as well as however many he has with you.

There are many ways in which the children of second marriages lose out, but it's up to you and dh to find ways of compensating. Such as a strong relationship with gps.

I actually meant what do people think about PIL giving OP and their son a cheque for a wedding present - AND THEN TAKING THE CHEQUE BACK. "we didn't even get a wedding present from them Because they gave us a cheque that they somehow held on to after the wedding and then never gave us it back". And this has never been discussed with the PIL, as "We've always been too embarrassed to say anything about it😳".

Am I the only one who thinks that this is bloody weird? To give someone a present, but whisk it away so that the present is never actually given? I can't even imagine the thought process behind that one. The best I can come up with is to return to the idea I mooted earlier, that to the PIL money symbolises control not affection. They wanted OP's DH to have to come and ask for their wedding present - and since they didn't, being too embarrassed, I think that's why they're playing favourites with the GC. They want their son and his wife to come cap-in-hand to them. Bloody weird couple, the PIL.

It is strange to give a cheque and take it back but we are only hearing one side of things here. I would be surprised at parents paying for a second wedding. I and the other parents in law chipped in (a lot) for our child's wedding - we basically paid a third my bride's side, a third the couple, a third the other parents (which I felt was getting off lightly as traditionally the bride's parents paid for 100%) but I don't think most people would do the same for a second wedding.

On being fair I have 5 chidlren and my siblings 2. I specifically said stop giving to mine at 18 to try to even out the unfairness a bit but families will end up a bit unfair. My older children were born when we had very very little indeed, clothes only from charity shops kind of poor etc etc. My much younger children had a lot more. On the other hand the help I've given the older ones with buying a property I cannot guarantee to the younger ones I might be dead.

The wedding cheque is weird but we only have OPs side of the story.

I thought gifts for second weddings were just cards or small keepsakes but obviously OP expected more.

Did she expect more, Sheldon? Or did she just expect to have what she was given? Except that what was given was then taken away.

Honestly, I am not seeing expectation in what the OP has written, just bewilderment and an increasing awareness that at some point her children will know they are less favoured than their older siblings and cousins.

As for 'we are only hearing the OPs side of this' - yes of course we are, but that is true of every thread here.

I really am confused by this thread. There seems to be such effort being put into excusing the PIL by so many posters, rationalising away the blatant favouritism on show. I just don't get it.

Do the childe know they are being treated differently? I would tell my dh you understand it is their money to give as they please but your home to share with who you please and having them there at Xmas would spoil it for you as with them there you cannot forget they are snubbing your baby. Get your dh to un-invite them.

We have the same going on here, my in-laws are quite well off, they have 3 grandchildren, but they are much more generous to their grandson than to our 2 girls.

Grandson, SIL's 11yo told my 13yo DD, that grandparents are buying him an iPhone 7 for Xmas, DD eyes came out on stalks and said no way. He then confirmed with the GP that he was indeed getting an iPhone 7 from them, DD took it very well !

I know they are giving her an envelope with money in it, which will be 1/4 of the cost of the iPhone.

It is what it is, and I would never bring it up.

My dad who has 11 grandkids and very little money, does not discriminate at all, they all get a gift which is the same value.

YANBU, if they don't want to give money to ALL the grandchildren, they shouldn't give to any of them. Its unfair.

Fair is fair. It should be all the same or nothing.

YANBU. But not entirely sure how you would deal with this issue. My DF and DstepM treat all their combined 13 grandchildren equally. (From various marriages/divorces/2nd marriages). The GC get the same amount of money each year and recently decided that when they reach age 21 they would stop giving. So far 2 of the grandchildren have reached 21 and they have not complained. Now there is a GGS and he also gets treated the same as other GC. This seems fair, the amounts have reduced over the years as family grows... But no one complains as all GC are treated equally and fairly. I would be very upset if any were treated differently. Good luck with this.

"supposed to be coming to us for Xmas day "

Gruel.

This is so, so not about the money. It's appalling of your ILs. They are deciding one set of GC are worth a sacrifice, and the others aren't. What sort of parent would you be not to find that hurtful? It's not okay. At all.

Are the other family far worse off or something? That's the only situation where this makes any sort of sense - if they felt the other children might go without otherwise, while yours won't? That would make it a subsidy based on need, rather than affection.

Id find it really odd if GP only gave presents to the first two if my children, not the next two.
Maybe you should only give to one sil because you only have one sister? That's odd.

You just divide things up into seven, not four. Basic maths really.....

YABU

Their finances are their choice, your reaction is your choice.