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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be devastated & depressed to be part of the "working poor"?

189 replies

PhoenixMama · 10/12/2016 09:14

I guess what it says in the title. I'm a single parent, I have a salaried job (totally average pay), work 40-50 hrs a week and I can barely keep a roof over my head. This year I've had to tell my DD (7) that we can't afford a Xmas tree (one of our usual traditions). I live in London so rent is high but if I move further out for a cheaper flat then I have higher commute & childcare costs.

My exh has her 4 nights a month (every other weekend) and pays minimum child support plus half her activities. He won't take her more because "he has to work" Hmm He has a new partner & they're constantly off on holidays or weekends away or out doing nice things (never with DD!) My friends are all coupled and tend to live very comfortable lives.

I'm just devastated that despite how hard I work (and I'm very respected in my job), juggle all of the parenting, all of the childcare, almost the entire financial responsibility for my DD (and def all the emotional responsibility) I'm struggling so much. It's definitely gotten harder over the last 5 years and I feel like something's got to give but there's nothing left. I've spoken to StepChange and I get everything I'm entitled to (a bit of London weighting HB but no other benefits) and I just feel like such a failure and so down about my life. I guess I just don't know what to do to make things better and this time of year makes it so much worse.

OP posts:
BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 10/12/2016 10:57

The dickhead count on this thread is pretty high.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 10/12/2016 10:57

Waggy

Everyone should have a small savings fund

Oh, if only!

Many people have such low wages and such high basic outgoings (rent, food - the stuff you have to buy, that there is never anything left over at the end of the week to save.

Not everyone is profligate with their cash - most would love to have a financial buffer but everyday life takes up all of their resources - and anything like a broken window etc puts them straight into debt.

I've been in this financial position myself, and it is bloody awful - constant stress and worry from one day to the next, dreading t=your child needing a pair of shoes, having only one slice of bread to make toast for two children before school for their breakfast.

At that time, I didn't have a pound to save, never mind put by three months outgoings.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 10/12/2016 10:58

Get your facts right Creaky. That OP was drip feeding.

This OP has come on saying she can't afford a Christmas tree - that needs some investigating before everyone comes on offering to meet up with an old tree they no longer want. Again, everyone should have a small savings fund.

Creaky I am entitled to my views and to question- calm down,,,theres no need to get upset about it.

Well genius, if OP spent her "small savings fund" on a total non essential like a Christmas tree, you'd doubtless be berating her as an irresponsible spendthrift. Hmm

What a total pain in the arse you are. Are you this bad in real life?

EnormousTiger · 10/12/2016 10:59

Also one good reason to stay in London is there tends to be work there. If people move away it can be harder to find work and find a new job if you lose one.
Rent (or mortgage) and childcare costs (including after school care) are the big problems for most young working parents particularly in London.
Also in London children tend to have better schools and also more opportunities too and if money is short they are more likely to be able to live at home when they go to university etc. So it is not always wrong to stay in London. We have stayed (although we are outer London) and I don't regret it.

Also if you might want to find a new husband at some stage there is probably more choice of men in London than say within the hills of rural Northumberland where you may find more sheep than men.

All I can repeat is hang on in there. It does get a lot easier. My oldest are teenagers now and it benefits them to have a mother who works not just financially but as an example.
I suggested we did not bother with a tree this year but one of my teenagers was up in arms - he likes things always to be the same at Christmas so we are getting one but never until after mid December. It is change children tend not to like so good luck in finding a cheap tree.

user1477282676 · 10/12/2016 10:59

You can get fake christmas trees for a couple of pounds in charity shops and facebook sites. OP get one of those.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 10/12/2016 11:01

Seems to me you have two choices. Either you accept your situation (which is of your own making)

How is the situation "of her own making" that her ex pays fuck all towards his child???

Words. Fail. Me.

ClashCityRocker · 10/12/2016 11:03

mayason wtf?!

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 10/12/2016 11:03

Mayasun

Don't be nasty.

Ohitdo · 10/12/2016 11:04

Yes go to a charity shop for a tree. I am about to donate mine and it cost over £50 new.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 10/12/2016 11:04

'that needs some investigating'

Piss off Miss Marple.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 10/12/2016 11:07

Right, back to the matter at hand:

There are 6ft artificial Christmas trees going for £17.89 (free P&P) on Ebay, PhoenixMama.

Delivery date if ordered today = 14/15 Dec.

I daresay they may not look top-of-the-range but a kid is hardly likely to notice that. Smile

creakyknees13 · 10/12/2016 11:08

calm down,,,theres no need to get upset about it

Waggy, that tells me that you haven't got a clue because if you did understand the reality of people who live in poverty, you would get upset. Unless you're a callous bitch, that is.

Mayasun, I am hoping you are a troll. You're a dickhead and maybe if you face single parenthood at any point, you will realise the struggles and restrictions involved. Give back custody? What the fuck are you on about- her ex has said that he can't have her more often because he has to work (yet pays minimum in CS). Idiot.

Mayasun · 10/12/2016 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 10/12/2016 11:09

'Sorry but I just have no sympathy for your attitude. What exactly did you think being a parent would involve?'

Well presumably she didn't envisage ending up living virtually hand to mouth as a single parent.

Your attitude is the one that is problematic. For 2017 perhaps try to be less of a cold bitch. There's a lovely goal to work towards

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 10/12/2016 11:10

So yet, the situation was of her making, she knew (or should have considered) the risks before going

GrinGrinGrin

1/10.

FeckinCrutches · 10/12/2016 11:11

I think Mayasun should have a bit of compassion considering the problems she has at the minute.

FeckinCrutches · 10/12/2016 11:11

Unless of course her story about her baby was made up shite.

Mayasun · 10/12/2016 11:12

The OP also has to work, why can't her ex take responsibility. People need to realise children aren't a fashion accessory. They aren't a "right". They require consideration and contingency regarding their welfare and a change in the parents personal circumstances. Sorry but people need to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions.

GlitterGlue · 10/12/2016 11:12

Fuck me, some people are arseholes.

PossumInAPearTree · 10/12/2016 11:13

Also put a wanted ad on local fb groups. People might have got a new tree this year but not got round to taking the old one out the loft and an actual wanted ad might prompt them.

Also if things are a bit tight st this time of year check to see if you're in credit with your energy supplier. I just found out I'm £550 in credit and have asked for a refund of half of it.

creakyknees13 · 10/12/2016 11:13

The OP chose to get pregnant, it wasn't an accident. Marriage comes with the risk of either Divorce of by circumstance ending up as a single parent. Both situations should have been thought about before the OP got pregnant. So yet, the situation was of her making, she knew (or should have considered) the risks before going

Hmmm, really, Mayasun? Have you considered that yourself? You do realise that the cost of childcare has a huge impact on your salary, right? The OP's ex refuses to pay his way or care for the child- what can the OP do? Have you planned what you would do if a similar thing happened to you?

Unicornsarelovely · 10/12/2016 11:13

Did you consider the risks of your children's other parent leaving you with no money and full custody? Or did you just not have children.

Unicornsarelovely · 10/12/2016 11:14

So sorry, that was for MAyasun, the GF. Not the op at all.

I'm so sorry for your situation op.

EnormousTiger · 10/12/2016 11:15

I can hardly believe how this thread has gone! Well done to a mother for working so hard and putting her child first.

We certainly need better methods of forcing men to do more actually. Under the law my ex can choose not to have the 5 children even one night a year and never has (some have left home now so it's not an issue now). He could have 8 weeks school holiday (private school) over the summer whilst I took one week off to take the children away and I paid for 7 weeks of child care. He could have been looking after them for the other 7 weeks but chose not to have even one night and the law allows that - there is no right to force the absent parent to look after the children. it is just a take it or leave it turn if I want right given to the other parent. It is time for a change.

A 50% default unless both parents or the court agree otherwise would be a good start and would also help all those fathers I feel very sorry for who would adore more time with the children but don't get it.

creakyknees13 · 10/12/2016 11:16

The OP also has to work, why can't her ex take responsibility

Are you thick? How do you suppose she forces him to take responsbility? The only way you can do that in this country is through the CSA. You cannot physically force a parent to care for a child. The CSA has for whatever reason assessed him to pay a low amount so the OP is solely responsible for her DD's upbringing. What is so hard to grasp about that and what do you suggest she does, given that I have explained the limited options open to her?