To be devastated & depressed to be part of the "working poor"?

[PhoenixMama]

I guess what it says in the title. I'm a single parent, I have a salaried job (totally average pay), work 40-50 hrs a week and I can barely keep a roof over my head. This year I've had to tell my DD (7) that we can't afford a Xmas tree (one of our usual traditions). I live in London so rent is high but if I move further out for a cheaper flat then I have higher commute & childcare costs.

My exh has her 4 nights a month (every other weekend) and pays minimum child support plus half her activities. He won't take her more because "he has to work" He has a new partner & they're constantly off on holidays or weekends away or out doing nice things (never with DD!) My friends are all coupled and tend to live very comfortable lives.

I'm just devastated that despite how hard I work (and I'm very respected in my job), juggle all of the parenting, all of the childcare, almost the entire financial responsibility for my DD (and def all the emotional responsibility) I'm struggling so much. It's definitely gotten harder over the last 5 years and I feel like something's got to give but there's nothing left. I've spoken to StepChange and I get everything I'm entitled to (a bit of London weighting HB but no other benefits) and I just feel like such a failure and so down about my life. I guess I just don't know what to do to make things better and this time of year makes it so much worse.

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Lovely post Namechanger22 yes you should be really proud of yourself!

[KatherinaMinola]

Argos does artificial trees for a tenner - supermarkets might do them slightly cheaper. Could you insist on your XH buying something like this and dropping it off? Or ask the GPs to pay for it (surely even your XH's parents would do that)?

Freecycle etc also a good idea, as is making a tree - I did this a couple of times as a skint twentysomething and it was fun.

for you whatever you do, and ignore the unpleasant posts.

[TheAntiBoop]

Well they say necessity is the mother of invention. Perhaps you could start a new tradition with your dd using one of the ideas above

Op hasn't outlined her financial situation in enough detail for anyone to judge (and not should she). Solidarity and advice and a bit of sympathy is all that can be offered - and not judging.

[KatherinaMinola]

I agree it could be a new tradition - every year I go out and collect a bit of holly, ivy, some pine cones and other foliage to decorate with. This is an aesthetic choice rather than because of cost, but obviously it's free!

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

OP, if you can't find a tree on FB selling groups, don't forget to add a post saying you're looking for a tree. I did that when we wanted needed garden furniture this summer. I said I was looking for a table and chairs but only had £50. Minutes later, a lovely woman contacted me and let us buy her SUPER SWANKY glass-topped table, 6 chairs and massive parasol for £50. I was beyond delighted and she was happy that someone was collecting her old stuff and paying her for the privilege. :)

Maybe a post saying you can't afford a Christmas tree, but are very happy to take someone's unwanted/out-dated tree away for them?

Do you not get Tax Credits at all? I thought there was a basic amount paid to single parents, plus a proportion of childcare.

Please, please feel proud of yourself. I'm proud of you. A Christmas tree is a drop in the ocean over a lifetime. My mum painted a tree branch white when she was a newly wed, and she still bangs on and on mentions it now, saying it looked gorgeous.

Things will get better. Look into Feng Shui and activate the money corners in your house. It might well all be shite, but it lifts your spirits and makes you feel you're doing something positive and slightly "woo" that could have spectacular results. :)

[UnbornMortificado]

I see financial security doesn't buy you class, empathy or decent manners.

One illness, one redundancy or one divorce and that could be anyone.

[StinkyMcgrinky]

What exactly did you think being a parent would involve?

I'm so glad perfect people exist to let us struggling families where we've gone wrong. Things are very tight for us too at the minute, but are lucky enough to make ends meet (just) and realise money doesn't equal love for children. My best friend lost her DH in a cycling accident this year, she didn't take that into account when having kids either and has found herself in financial difficulties, how irresponsible of her

Tesco are doing 3ft prelit Christmas trees for £5 at the minute, if you can pop to the local store they might have some in stock. eBay and freecycle are also worth checking. You could always make Christmas bunting out of scrap paper or newspapers/magazines? Collect some pine cones and twigs from the local park and make your own twiggy tree (Next are selling twiggy trees for daft prices, they're all the rage!) if you're really desperate I have a slimline pre-decorated pop up tree you're welcome to have.

We didn't have much growing up, every year we would all get together as a family and decorate the thread bare tree with decorations we had made as children and would cut out snowflakes to stick on the windows. Some of my fondest memories, this won't destroy your daughters childhood OP.

[GlitterGlue]

Actually, I've just come out and the posh gifty shop has painted tree branches in the window. It looks really good.

[Benedikte2]

I've been in your situation OP but was fortunate to have qualifications that allowed me to climb out of the situation. I remember one Christmas when I was very low receiving small gestures of kindness that still touch my heart.
Your DD is still building her ideas of what makes a traditional Christmas and a warm loving home with the glow of candles (strictly supervised) etc will make up for the lack of store bought decorations. ATM charity shops in my area are knee deep in Christmas stuff for very little. If you are not a regular Charity Shop browser check your local ones out because they do vary a lot in the quality of their goods and prices. Hospice charities are generally cheaper than Oxfam, for instance. Often possible to pick up unopened toys, puzzles etc.
Seasons greetings OP -- most mns will be sending you warm, positive thoughts

[ProfYaffle]

Poundstretcher do nice, cheap artificial trees. I got a 6ft one a few weeks ago for a tenner.

[SEsofty]

As we are veggie we spend the turkey budget on a tree instead. Could you swop some food and drink budget for a tree instead?

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

What Benedikte2 said ...

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

The enforced spending of Christmas is really scary. Things will look much brighter in the spring.

Wherever you move at the moment, you feel pressure to buy £6 tins of biscuits, £15 bottles of booze, £20 turkeys, £££££ gaming consoles, computer stuff, phones, laptops... you feel that every other family in the U.K. is lavishing their kids with private jets and Porsches, and that your child will think you hate them if you don't buy them a private sodding island or something. It's horrendous.

[SnatchedPencil]

Would you be willing for your ex to have full custody of your child? I suspect not (I may be wrong). If not, you really don't have the right to complain that he doesn't see his child more. You have custody, you can't then demand he takes her away from you more often. Four nights a month seems reasonable really. If it sounds too little for you, offer him full custody of your child and tell him that you will only look after her for four days per month.

I completely agree with you that working full-time should mean that the individual is not "poor" or a "JAM" as they now have to be called. Working full-time should pay enough to support a small family, rent a home, pay bills, buy decent food and be able to afford to save a little - whether this is spent on holidays, saving to a mortgage or some luxury or other. It is frankly disgusting that someone with a full-time job struggles to get by, it sends a terrible message out to society as a whole that there is no point trying in life because you will just be worked to death and be paid as little as possible, just enough to survive, not enough to have any chance to better your situation or, you know, maybe even enjoy life.

I think there are two separate issues here. It is terrible that someone who works 40 hours or more a week doesn't have a decent standard of living. This is not your ex's fault though. He pays the minimum amount and has contact with his child. He is doing what is legally required of him.

The minimum might not be enough for you, both in terms of the minimum amount your ex pays and the minimum amount you are paid for your job. Both are indicative of bad and unfair legislation. The government are to blame (successive governments of both main parties). Your employer could pay you more, your ex could contribute more, but neither of them have to.

Yes, it's shit, but there is only so much money to go round, and the people who have it would like to keep it and grow it rather than see it distributed more fairly.

[Squirmy65ghyg]

I just love that the ire of people like Mayasun is directed at the hard working, fully responsible for their DC LP (of which i am one). No mention of the fucker who fucks off.

What a lack of empathy, realism and human decency they show.

[YelloDraw]

Do you have any large house plants? I have a big plant I got from IKEA about 5 years ago that I dress up with the xmas decs.

or can you pick up some boxes from the supermarket and make a 'tree' out of cardboard? Could be a fun thing to do together.

If you already own tinsel and stuff you can make anything into a tree.

[wasonthelist]

OP it's a rotten situation - but ultimately there surely has to be a political answer for you and all similarly affected folk.

To make absent parents do more .

To recognise that capitalism really isn't working if working hard in a full time job isn't providing an economically sustainable life.

Unfortunately until the balance shifts so we stop voting for vicious bastards for governments (and not just the Tory ones) - or not even bothering to vote, we're all screwed.

[TheAntiBoop]

How is four times a month reasonable for an equal parent? And custody doesn't exist in this country does it?

It's astounding how many people think fathers have both less responsibility or rights when it comes to their kids

[creakyknees13]

Would you be willing for your ex to have full custody of your child? I suspect not (I may be wrong). If not, you really don't have the right to complain that he doesn't see his child more. You have custody, you can't then demand he takes her away from you more often. Four nights a month seems reasonable really. If it sounds too little for you, offer him full custody of your child and tell him that you will only look after her for four days per month

If the ex doesn't want to have the DD more than EOW, then why on earth would he agree to have her living there full time? Maybe the OP would like a break sometimes from looking after her DD full time and working 50 hours a week. Maybe she would like him to help out with the costs of childcare- her ex says he can't look after her because of work- the OP does not have that option. I think she CAN complain that she is doing a hugely disproportionate amount of work bringing up THEIR child and is also paying a hugely disproportionate cost for it.

Also, how easy would you find it to hand over your beloved child to live somewhere else? You can't ignore the emotional side of the relationship. I am sure the OP loves her DD dearly and would not swap her for the world. That does not mean it's right or fair that she should bear nearly all the responsibility whereas her ex gets to live the life of Riley without any burdens.

[PollyPelargonium52]

Places like Aldi/Lidl have cheap Xmas trees in boxes that you can store away year on year. However once children are 8 they are generally told that Father Xmas is one big lie so possibly you will stop doing the decorations. I did anyway once ds was 8. He was rather disappointed that he was a myth however......!

If you can manage without the useless ex then try to move to a cheaper place in the country the problem is if you move away from London/south-east although the rents/mortgages are often much cheaper it may not be as sociable. I now live in the middle of the UK and although it is way cheaper (mortgage £32 instead of £800!) it is grim socially culturally and friendship wise. I joined a spiritual group however as a way out of getting out of the house and mixing. I still keep in touch with my friends in the south-east and London region to keep sane and visit etc.

I hope this helps.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I can imagine the uproar if a mother saw their DC only 4 nights a month, and paid the very least child-support they could get away with legally. Despite the fact they were free to work full-time, stay late, work nights, with no childcare costs. Nobody would call her an equal parent. She'd be shunned. But men are even regarded as good parents if they see their kids EOW and pay the minimum.

[Butterymuffin]

Scary and Flappy are right that far too little is said about the role of big companies and their low-as-possible wages, plus their ways of cutting down pay and rights wherever possible, in keeping working people poor. My parents worked for companies that took pride in looking after their workforce. Now we're all just assets to be sweated and situations like OP's are the result.

[corythatwas]

I see WhatsGoingOn has just said it for me.

The equivalent under the OP's circumstances would be if she just spent enough on feeding and clothing her dd to keep her free SS intervention and apart from that spent every single penny on herself. As the resident parent, that is all she can legally be obliged to do- but which of us would not blame her?

Some people have very low expectations of men.

[Miserylovescompany2]

Can I take this opportunity to appologise to OP. I do so with sincerity, I shouldn't of pasted the comment. I was wrong and completely out of order by doing so.

Nobody knows what the future holds? I understand you are drowning financially. I can completely sympathise with that. I'm guessing things were different when you had the holiday in Greece?

Christmas, is always the worst time when finances are all ready over stretched. Everything comes at once. It's a vicious cycle of playing catch up...only to never quite get there.

Your daughters father seems to have disposable income in his household, which allows holidays and alike? 4 days per mouth he has his daughter overnight? Does this increase over school holidays? Is the father willing to give more time, because that in itself might alleviate some of the financial pressure? Even if he won't contribute anymore financially?

Might I suggest you visit your local CAB office, take evidence of all your outgoings and see if you are missing out on any kind of benefit? You might qualify for help with childcare?