To be devastated & depressed to be part of the "working poor"?

[PhoenixMama]

I guess what it says in the title. I'm a single parent, I have a salaried job (totally average pay), work 40-50 hrs a week and I can barely keep a roof over my head. This year I've had to tell my DD (7) that we can't afford a Xmas tree (one of our usual traditions). I live in London so rent is high but if I move further out for a cheaper flat then I have higher commute & childcare costs.

My exh has her 4 nights a month (every other weekend) and pays minimum child support plus half her activities. He won't take her more because "he has to work" He has a new partner & they're constantly off on holidays or weekends away or out doing nice things (never with DD!) My friends are all coupled and tend to live very comfortable lives.

I'm just devastated that despite how hard I work (and I'm very respected in my job), juggle all of the parenting, all of the childcare, almost the entire financial responsibility for my DD (and def all the emotional responsibility) I'm struggling so much. It's definitely gotten harder over the last 5 years and I feel like something's got to give but there's nothing left. I've spoken to StepChange and I get everything I'm entitled to (a bit of London weighting HB but no other benefits) and I just feel like such a failure and so down about my life. I guess I just don't know what to do to make things better and this time of year makes it so much worse.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Waggy has probably already eaten her own young.

Squoosh, that really made me LOL. :)

OP, so happy you're getting a tree! Yay! And your dancing/baking/Christmas-music-playing day sounded bloody awesome.

You're doing a fab job. One day at a time, please don't stress. And try the Feng Shui shite! You never know..!

Massive hugs to you and your DD and your lovely tree-buying friend

[FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile]

Pleased that you have your tree OP!

And Halo - what a horrible suggestion. Especially as many children could grow upon "proper families" if their fathers weren't such dicks, or could at least enjoy a bit of comfort if their fathers didn't do their damnedest to avoid maintenance payments.

Have some

[PollyPelargonium52]

Op by the way I am pleased you got a tree. :)

[PollyPelargonium52]

I think single parents do get judged and criticised a lot and are seen as a threat to societal norms and conventions. Those of us who feel we flourish and cope quite well are a threat to society as we are in effect rendering the male population redundant in a subtle way.

[EnormousTiger]

needs, that's a good point. I manage very well as a single parent and I think some married couples think that is a bit threatening - that life can be wonderful without being a couple (I am lucky enough to earn quite a bit).

Secondly criticism is usually of women - even in teh Bible - where they blamed Eve for tempting Adam (never the man's fault of course); women are often blamed for things even though we are often the ones holding everything together.

The tax credit subsidy of low pay needs to be addressed. The Sunday Times infiltration of an agency supplying workers to an on line retailer today is interesting too - the agency docked them a point for being even 1 minute late for work, off sick etc etc . Some are sleeping in local woods to avoid the £40 transport charge to bus them to the remote site.

[Purplebluebird]

So glad to hear you're getting a tree! :) I hope next year will come with a pay rise and an easier life for you, or at least some love and luck thrown your way!

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

Dowser and Needsahalo - I hear you.

[JoffreyBaratheon]

Yes, we should reserve our hatred for the employers who cynically don't care how many of their employees need tax credits, and pay minimum wage and also the politicians who have a vested interest in letting this happen.

[TheAntiBoop]

I suppose a single mother is more obvious than an absent father so they have always attracted the heat

Ultimately two parents salaries having to cover running two households will mean that the quality of life will not be as good as if they shared a household. But the children's welfare should always come first and it sounds like the ops ex is putting his wants above his child's needs

[needsahalo]

Jesus wept. Unfortunately this is par for the course for single parents. I am really not sure why it should be so. I even had one school run mummy tell me I should 'give' my children to the ex and the ow so that they could grow up in a 'proper' family. Lack of empathy is one thing - and is present in so many posts about saving and benefits and single parents - but there seems to be a special kind of hatred reserved for single parents who manage to juggle the responsibility of full time work and parenting. Under a different user name I was once referred to as a 'scrounger' as a full time teacher who is also a single parent and who is also in receipt of some Tax Credits. It really is the case that as a single parent you can never do enough. I suspect that for some, seeing women cope without a man is just too terrifying for them to contemplate and so there is a need to berate and humiliate to make them feel better.

[Dowser]

I'm so pleased you got your tree Phoenix.

I feel so sad at the way society just seems to forever crumbling.

As I've said many times on here, I was born just seven years after the war ended and things were tight.
My dad was shift worker. I never heard him moan or complain but I know he hated nightshifts. He never had a qualification to his name but gradually got promoted to foreman.

He never wanted me to be a latch key kid, so mum never worked.

There was never any sense of lack in my home. We had a new council house . It was well built. Big enough for the three of us and very affordable. Dad bought a car, second maybe third hand. I'm talking 1956 so not a lot of choice anyway and we had two holidays a year one in a boarding house / hotel at the coast and the other we stayed with family in Wales and had a hoot.
Christmases were great fun and yes we had a real tree.
There were many families in our street the same. All the men were in work and some of the women too. The point is though , many families were supported by one wage coming through the door. It was a very working class area. There were no solicitors, teachers or doctors in our street.

I just find it maddening and saddening that now 60 years later, people are struggling like my mums family did in the depression years before the war.

It's just heartbreaking. Especially when someone like op isn't asking for the moon for her child....just a cheap tree.

I could weep. I really could.

[EnormousTiger]

There we are then.....I suspect my parents avoided taking 3 small chidlren away anywhere more to avoid the hassle than just the cost and Spain when I was 10 was a revelation, amazing, to be amongst other peoples and the sun. I wll never forget that first holiday ever, first night away from home even, first day on a plane. Lots of firsts but also of course remember all those holidays at home, trips etc. We used to draw up a list of where we'd like to go - beach, countryside, museums, cinema.

[creakyknees13]

Dictionary definition:

a holiday spent in one's home country rather than abroad, or one spent at home and involving day trips to local attractions

Everyone's right!

[EnormousTiger]

I'ev always heard it used to describe holidaying at home and by the way we never had a single night away as a family yuntil I was 10 and we went to spain for 2 weeks. That was 10 years when holidays were staying in our house with parents off work and doing on day trips.

[creakyknees13]

I thought a staycation was when you stayed in your house with a paddling pool and made crap cocktails? Maybe squeezing in a visit to the local museum you've never got round to seeing?

Especially during the credit crunch, the term was widely used in the media to describe holidaying in the UK rather than going abroad. I have never heard it used in the sense that you describe, although that sounds quite fun too.

[goldielookingchain]

Get on eBay / Willis and get a small tree. She's only 7! You could pick one up for £5-£10

[Manumission]

I thought a staycation was when you stayed in your house with a paddling pool and made crap cocktails? Maybe squeezing in a visit to the local museum you've never got round to seeing?

More than one poster is applying it to UK city breaks with swimming pools! When did this happen?

I know. I'm missing the point by miles

[HelenaDove]

So glad your friend is getting you a tree OP. Wishing you and your DD a Merry Christmas.

[HelenaDove]

"A tree is a major symbol of Christmas"






Well so is goodwill to all men Waggy and yet im seeing fuck all of that from you!

[FeralBeryl]

Yaay for tree giving idea!
I was going to suggest spray painting some branches and tie together and get some baubles from the pound shop ( ours have got so many really nice things atm including little pressies DD may like)
Sounds like you're well in the Christmas spirit now - because that's what it's all about , singing, love and fun, not expense.
Happy to send you some lights down if you want too, we found last years after I replaced the fuckers.

Shame on those thankfully few of you who cannot empathise with a decent, hardworking parent who has fallen upon hard times.
Season of goodwill anyone?

There but for the grace eh

[Maisy84]

Sorry just seen you have one, good!!

[Maisy84]

Are you in west London by any chance? Someone in my area is looking to get rid of a fake Christmas tree, I know not the same as a real one but apparently it lights up. It sounds hard and like your ex needs to be taking equal financial responsibility for your child, hard to enforce though.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Sounds like you had a lovely day with your daughter, Phoenix, that's what she'll remember... dancing madly and baking with you at Christmas time. Those memories are absolutely priceless. :)

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Lovely update Phoenix hope you and your DD have a most wonderful Christmas

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

(Thank you, badcat - feel all twinkly and sparkly now)