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Original poster

Am I being preciously here or am I being bullied at work

202 replies

user1481201979 · 08/12/2016 13:04

It's very subtle and I'm probably going to be told I'm ridiculous because it's so hard to explain with examples but i feel bullied by a work colleague.

So I sit on a desk either in the same office or one in the room opposite and he will often pop round and say hi. Several times a day he says hello and it's because of this that I feel I may be wrong to feel bullied and he does go out of his way to say hello so it would seem he doesn't actively dislike me personally. He will go into the other office to say hello when I'm not in his. He is socially confident so likes to chat at people's desk and in this respect doesn't act differently towards me.

But this is where the friendliness ends. He will actively,several times a week go round the office asking anyone if they want to go for lunch with him. But he won't ask me. I don't have a great desire to go but it's a rather obvious snub. It's literally everyone in the office except me and one person commented that he doesn't like going for lunch with me. I felt quite embarrassed. He regularly has house parties at his house but he will not invite me. He invites everyone in the office except me and he does it by asking them if they want to come when I'm not there.

He will get up to make a drink and will grab everyone's cup except mine and make them a drink. Sometimes he looks at me when he's making the drinks but never takes my mug.

He sometimes brings food in from home and he will offer some people it from the tin but never ever me. He just puts in on the side and asks me to help myself.

He was ordering food from his dads website at a discount and asked what people wanted but again, didn't ask me.

He asked everyone for their facebook but when it came to me he pretended he needed to add me for work when I know that's not the case. We aren't even allowed it at work.

In the beginning I would invite him along with other colleagues out for drinks and he would always decline. So he obviously doesn't want to be in contact outside of work which is fine. But I'm worried these invites made him uncomfortable.
I'm wondering if he took me the wrong way. It's now an open invitation and anyone who wants to come can. It's very popular but he never goes when I'm there and if he does he doesn't speak to me.

There will always be people at work we don't like. But he makes me feel excluded and bullied to be honest.
He has also made comments about me being the type of person who
would sleep with anyone although he did apologise several times afterwards

If I need to discuss work with him he will reply quickly to my first text but never ever any subsequent ones unless it's during work time.

He did get disciplined by the manager for not inviting me to his fundraising night so I was pleased the management had felt on that occasion the excluding warranted a discussion. That made me feel better and like I wasn't being paranoid.

I have never discussed this with anyone as I'm worried I will look ridiculous.

Nothing is going to change, I'm not even going to bother myself with why he's like this. I just need you to tell me I'm not being unreasonable and ridiculous. That being excluded, even if it's subtle things like this, is bullying and it's okay for me to feel upset by it.

There's more really, but I just can't explain it.

OP posts:
CazY777 · 08/12/2016 22:15

I had a similar situation with a woman at work. She decided she 'hated' me and told other colleagues this, and then would exclude me (and someone else she hated) from tea rounds, refused to answer any emails or talk to me when I rang her. She would ring another colleague and moan about me while I was sitting next to the other colleague. The final straw was when she started removing my name from the white board where we would list what we were doing that week. This seems insignificant in itself, but I complained to our manager about bullying. She got put on disciplinary (for this and other things) and had to improve her behaviour or loose her job, and I also became her line manager so she had to talk to me! I couldn't give a shit if she liked me or not but her behaviour only improved with the threat of taking things further.

UnGoogleable · 08/12/2016 22:24

If I need to discuss work with him he will reply quickly to my first text but never ever any subsequent ones unless it's during work time

Why are you texting him outside of work time?

I wouldn't call this bullying - it's horrible for you, if you feel that he's excluding you. He's being manipulative, but it's not a disciplinary offence surely.

Graphista · 08/12/2016 22:26

Those saying

'Oh he fancies you' or 'he's worried people will think he fancies you or you fancy him' and similar

Do you think that makes this behaviour acceptable? Less serious than if the motive is something else?

jayisforjessica · 09/12/2016 00:32

re: the out of work social events - no, HR can't force him to include OP, because you're right, they ARE out of work events - but the key here is that he's seemingly making a point of inviting everyone BUT her, and he's doing so during work hours. So instead of

"I would rather not hang out with OP",

the message is

"I don't want OP there, but I want to make damn sure she knows I don't want her there, and I also want to make damn sure she knows she's missing out".

One's an understandable personality mismatch, and that's not bullying.
The other is deliberate and intentional social exclusion, and that absolutely IS bullying.

Primaryteach87 · 09/12/2016 00:40

I zoned in on the comment about 'she'll sleep with anyone'. That's clearly totally inappropriate and he's very lucky you didn't go straight to HR with it. Is it possible someone else did and he now is excluding you out of some totally messed up logic/annoyance at being called on his sexism??? A guess but might explain it.

YorkiesGlasses · 09/12/2016 00:47

Do you think that makes this behaviour acceptable? Less serious than if the motive is something else?

Many of us are indoctrinated as young children to view negative behaviour by boys as flattering. When I was in primary school a boy would tease me and pull my hair, and the one time I ignored him he punched me in the stomach. I went home after school and told DM and I remember she got a gooey soppy expression on her face and said "Aww, he likes you!"

It's possible that as they are both the youngest in the workplace he views her as a rival! I don't think encouraging her to see it as some unrequited love story is remotely helpful to her.

Graphista · 09/12/2016 00:49

Yorkies I agree which is why I asked the question. Because a lot of those saying 'he fancies you' are also either saying or implying it's not a big deal/worthy of complaint.

HelenaDove · 09/12/2016 01:52

I said i think he fancies her. But i also pointed out he was sexist and misogynistic The "slut" comment tells us that and it is completely unacceptable.

daisychain01 · 09/12/2016 05:08

Does this man ever get any actual work done?

He sounds like a complete waste of space

Basicbrown · 09/12/2016 08:25

I'd not want to invite someone to lunch who'd got me disciplined, however justified the disciplinary had been

Well if you swan around the office calling your colleagues 'sluts' then you get yourself disciplined and need to grow up and take responsibility for that rather than blaming others.

There are a couple of other odd things. If we had a new person and were all going out for lunch and a weirdo colleague of mine didn't invite them then I would, or someone else would. Why does he have power over all of them?

Secondly do you make him cups of tea? If so then breezily tell him to make you one. If not then start.

Stormtreader · 09/12/2016 09:58

Do the rest of the team include you in everything, tea rounds etc?
It seems odd that no-one else is letting you know about all these things going on, or hesitating to all talk about the party they know you werent invited to.

bigboo · 09/12/2016 12:03

I'm not sure why some posters are minimising this man's behaviour. The OP has said that the lunch issue alone happens several times a week, every week. These examples need to be taken cumulatively, not individually. The OP also says that there is more - you can bet if she wrote down every incident, these examples would be just a quick snapshot.

OP - I feel terribly sorry for you. You absolutely do not deserve to be undermined in this way. You are not being ridiculous and you are not going nuts. Please tell someone.

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 12:18

Well, yes, but what is the "lunch issue"? It is a person asking people he likes and enjoys spending his own time with to eat with him. Lunchtime is not a work social unless it is arranged formally - he is just popping out on his own time. I agree that it suggests he doesn't like the OP but I can't agree that it's bullying. Imagine if you went to your boss with this? "He doesn't ask me out to lunch." In the nicest possible way, really?? Most managers and HR managers would say that's his prerogative unless he is deliberately running her face in it.

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 12:19

*rubbing

JellyBelli · 09/12/2016 12:27

Ostentatiously making arrangements that exclude people is not professional conduct. It is a way of undermining someone.
Calling someone an easy slut is another way of undermining them.

It seems to me he is making a point, and trying to stick within the accepted guidelines. H'es a pedantic twat.
This is why companies need to use probationary contracts for the first 2 years of employment IMO. People can keep up the nice act for 18 months but at some point the agenda will come shining through.

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 12:32

JellyBelli: He has been disciplined for those comments. The act of asking people to go to lunch, absent other description, isn't ostentatious.

bigboo · 09/12/2016 12:38

Exactly Jellibean. He is deliberately asking EVERYONE in the office to lunch SEVERAL times a week in OP's earshot. That can't be accidental particularly if you combine it with all the other behaviours. This isn't school - you can't be so obvious as to nick someone's lunch money when the teacher isn't looking. You have to use other, much for calculating ways of targeting someone. As I said, don't take the one lunch incident on its own. Look at the whole picture and you will see the pattern.

Themoreitsnowstiddlypom · 09/12/2016 12:47

I hate bullies like this the most, they are so subtle and passive about it that it could so easily be made to look like your being daft if you question it.
OP, management has already picked up on it enough to deal with him, he has clearly mentioned something to others as one has indicate he doesnt like going to lunch with you, so you can be rest assured that something untoward is going on so I think you should go to the manager who has previously dealt with him and get him dealt with it again. Dont let it fester anymore it sounds awful.

Sallystyle · 09/12/2016 12:52

WTF at the amount of people thinking it sounds like he fancies her.

Do grown adults really act like cunts towards people they fancy? Hmm

I think it is bullying OP Thanks

Dadstheworld · 09/12/2016 12:57

So he has to covertly ask people for lunch? Of course it's a regular occurrence, most people have lunch everyday.
Does he have to invite her all his social gatherings, or just those he thinks she might like? Oh look the Devs are organizing a D&D night after work. lets invite User14 even though she obviously despises me. Crazy

Phoebeby · 09/12/2016 13:02

Tell him you have a boyfriend Grin

Seriously I would just have it out with him in a calm way

woowoowoo · 09/12/2016 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wowowhatsmyname · 10/12/2016 20:06

I had this happen to me at work. He wasn't actively nasty but ignored me. Exactly like this and made jokes about being a slut.

Two years after I left the work place he asked me on a date and said he had just liked me so much he didn't know how to handle it and wanted to come across as not interested in me so felt the best way to show 'disinterest' was to be like this.

So I would say he probably fancies you.

I declined the date.

hellejuice91 · 10/12/2016 22:20

This is such a difficult one. Maybe since the disciplinary he feels like he doesn't want to communicate and potentially get into more trouble. At the same time my view is, you either invite your just actual friends (work colleagues who you are also friends with outside of work, not just colleagues) or everyone, I would never leave one person out.

I would probably speak to your manager about what you are feeling and have see if you him can be put in a neutral setting, with a senior staff member to mediate, and discuss it. If he gets disciplined again or its discussed in a more formal manner he may become colder and make you feel more uncomfortable.

Greyponcho · 14/12/2016 12:00

Where is the OP??!