Am I being preciously here or am I being bullied at work

[user1481201979]

It's very subtle and I'm probably going to be told I'm ridiculous because it's so hard to explain with examples but i feel bullied by a work colleague.

So I sit on a desk either in the same office or one in the room opposite and he will often pop round and say hi. Several times a day he says hello and it's because of this that I feel I may be wrong to feel bullied and he does go out of his way to say hello so it would seem he doesn't actively dislike me personally. He will go into the other office to say hello when I'm not in his. He is socially confident so likes to chat at people's desk and in this respect doesn't act differently towards me.

But this is where the friendliness ends. He will actively,several times a week go round the office asking anyone if they want to go for lunch with him. But he won't ask me. I don't have a great desire to go but it's a rather obvious snub. It's literally everyone in the office except me and one person commented that he doesn't like going for lunch with me. I felt quite embarrassed. He regularly has house parties at his house but he will not invite me. He invites everyone in the office except me and he does it by asking them if they want to come when I'm not there.

He will get up to make a drink and will grab everyone's cup except mine and make them a drink. Sometimes he looks at me when he's making the drinks but never takes my mug.

He sometimes brings food in from home and he will offer some people it from the tin but never ever me. He just puts in on the side and asks me to help myself.

He was ordering food from his dads website at a discount and asked what people wanted but again, didn't ask me.

He asked everyone for their facebook but when it came to me he pretended he needed to add me for work when I know that's not the case. We aren't even allowed it at work.

In the beginning I would invite him along with other colleagues out for drinks and he would always decline. So he obviously doesn't want to be in contact outside of work which is fine. But I'm worried these invites made him uncomfortable.
I'm wondering if he took me the wrong way. It's now an open invitation and anyone who wants to come can. It's very popular but he never goes when I'm there and if he does he doesn't speak to me.

There will always be people at work we don't like. But he makes me feel excluded and bullied to be honest.
He has also made comments about me being the type of person who
would sleep with anyone although he did apologise several times afterwards

If I need to discuss work with him he will reply quickly to my first text but never ever any subsequent ones unless it's during work time.

He did get disciplined by the manager for not inviting me to his fundraising night so I was pleased the management had felt on that occasion the excluding warranted a discussion. That made me feel better and like I wasn't being paranoid.

I have never discussed this with anyone as I'm worried I will look ridiculous.

Nothing is going to change, I'm not even going to bother myself with why he's like this. I just need you to tell me I'm not being unreasonable and ridiculous. That being excluded, even if it's subtle things like this, is bullying and it's okay for me to feel upset by it.

There's more really, but I just can't explain it.

bigboo

Whilst I don't want to make a definite judgement about something summarised on a forum in a few lines (not deciding who is right or wrong here)

where do you stand on people texting work colleague? The situation does not look clear cut , reading the OP own words

He sounds like a bit of a misogynist to be honest.

I'm with Giddy on this. You're the only woman in an office full of men, could he feel threatened by your presence? Do you work in a typically male dominated sector? It may be he's not used to having women in his workspace and doesn't know how to deal with women in a professional capacity.

My department is fairly balanced but in my actual office I'm usually the only woman unless another is hot desking. There's no overt sexism, but there have been little instances with newer staff and contractors assuming I'm the administrator (I'm an analyst), asking me if I've set up the meeting room for them, forcing me to get up and answer the door buzzer every time when they go selectively deaf, and assuming I'm doing a tea round when I get up to go to the loo/printer/a meeting. I've had to get a bit mouthy with them, but they're mostly behaving themselves now.

I've got to the age now (35) where I don't give any fucks any more and I'd probably just ask what his problem was.

Why is the general advice on mumsnet to always "report" an individual?

Problem with co-worker? Report to boss/HR
Problem with neighbour? Report to police
Don't like something another poster has said? Report to mumsnet

Are people seriously that lacking in personal communication skills that they need someone else to sort it? A more adulty adult perhaps? Come on! We're all not at school anymore so don't really need teachers to sort out our problems

He sounds like he doesn't like you OP. You know what? That's fine he doesn't have to. Ignore/challenge him and move on.

Milk. You think it's acceptable to call someone a slut, and more than once too? This in particular would mean I would take it to management OP. Bang out of order.

I am shocked at some of the responses on here, and a lot belong to a bygone era. This man for whatever his reasons, is singling out op for unfavourable treatment. Everytime he does that, op should record it as being unfavourable treatment. It is a form of bullying, it is unprofessional and leads to problems within the team. It seems, even though some of you disagree, that the company take a hard stance of this, op should see her line manager with a log of incidences. His issues whatever they are, are not op problem, he should not be bringing them into the workplace. If he has an issue with op, he should see his manager. Not behave unprofessionally towards the op.

Re professionally attacking

Excluding op from a WORK event

Making sexually derogatory comments AT WORK

Selectively responding to WORK TEXTS (regarding why are you texting I'm guessing - op can correct if I'm wrong - that this is standard practice for her industry/company, he's happy to respond to OTHER colleagues so is treating this colleague differently than others regarding a work matter)

The other stuff is harder to define but is designed to make the op feel insecure and undermined and 'lesser' at work.

I don't think he's bullying you. I think maybe he doesn't want to interact socially. The commenta he made were disrespectful. He's been disciplined and apologised but I don't think he has to include you to non work related stuff.

If the lunch hour is unpaid and free time then he's not obliged to invite you. Same with Facebook adds and social/ non work related drinks.(and if he's being a bit of a twat about this why would you even want to go to lunch / drinks with him)

The drinks thing and food at work are just generally rude and you may be able to go to your manager and say that he's not including you as that's actually at work.

If he's courteous about work related issues/ answers emails and work related texts and doesn't stop you from doing something you need/ doesn't make your job harder then I don't think you can really complain about him.

If he keeps making comments like the one he got disciplined about then obviously it's an entirely different story. I'd just be the bigger person and don't let the social side get to you- again why would you want to go for a drink with someone who didn't want to invite you but their boss made them?

Selectively responding to WORK TEXTS

by only replying during WORKING HOURS. This, at least, is perfectly acceptable! I am still waiting for the OP to let us know why she needs to text in the first place

I am worrying that the OP is taking everything on board, and will then try to damage somebody whose only fault seems to be to try to get as far from her as possible. Maybe we should advise everybody to REPORT to HR he very first invitation for drink/ coffee/lunch/ outing to make sure you are not being harassed.

I am just reading what the OP wrote, and from that only I don't see bullying (apart from inappropriate and unacceptable comment, but made to her or to someone else about her?)

its because he fancies you - seriously, people? they're 28 not 8!! He isn't pulling her pigtails in the playground.
For some reason this guy doesn't want to be associated with you but makes sure that he is seen by others to be civil enough towards you and never alone in your company - when you joined the company, did you take a job that he wanted (for himself, or for a friend?). Did he have an attachment to the person you replaced?

Has he had some teasing from the other guys suggesting that he may have a chance with the 'new girl' & thus keeps you away (to avoid the "oi oi lad, saw you in the office chatting to User, did you ask her out, hawr hawr, wink wink?").
He does need to be pulled up on it though, don't let it slide

Why the assumption he fancies her?! Nothing in his behaviour suggests that.

Is it weird to text colleagues? We text each other a lot where I work. Sometimes you need an answer to something asap.

He sounds like he has some kind of fixation with you, and in a work setting it doesn't matter whether it's positive or negative fixation - it's very unprofessional and it's making you uncomfortable.

I'd keep all communication with him to a minimum, and report any behaviour that crosses a professional line - like that 'joke'.

In work time I do quite often text colleagues. If it's 9pm or their day off then no, I think that's actually quite rude. And not on to complain if they don't respond.

GOsh how on earth could you go to HR with a diary of incidences detailing number of times he hasn't made just you a cup of tea/ hasn't friended you on FB . He sounds like a twat but actual bullying?! Why not just say "lovely, mine's milk no sugar" breezily. Ask why he's not prepared to include you. Surely we can still speak to colleagues openly rather than reporting?

Grr, what a bellend. He sounds like one of those Red Pill Meninists. He's already made that awful comment about you 'sleeping with anyone' which makes me think this is a bit "Oh, look, she's way out of my league, she'll never even look at me, actually she's a total bitch, I'll call her a slut and play these shitty games and see if I can make her cry." He probably writes angry posts on Reddit about 'bitches' who won't give him the attention 'he deserves'.

Personally I'd say ignore him, he's probably a serial-killer-in-waiting. If you don't want to look for another job, and his subtle digs aren't enough to really take forward (he wants to be able to sit there and say 'Well, I don't have to be her best friend, do I? Do I? What, I'm in trouble 'cause I won't DATE her, ha ha...'... ugh, don't give him the satisfaction) then he needs to make another slip-up - another sexual comment, another vocal dig at you or an exclusion from something 100% work-related.

I had a manager who was a right shit to me and I've no idea why, I'd only just started, but he kept it to sly comments and nothing I could really take forward. I mentioned it in each performance review - "Well, you know, I really think Bob Bellendton has an issue with me, he does a) and b), so I'll keep an eye on that..." - and finally he spectactularly crashed and burned all on his own. The managing director was sitting beside me discussing a project and I asked the manager a question. The nobber sneered at me, rolled his eyes, and was promptly marched off into another office to be bollocked. And I was chatted to as well, and told never to let anyone speak to me like that again :)

So, these things can work out... perhaps play him at his own game. Ignore it all, don't let him get to you. He'll have to up the ante. Forget tea, his creepy lunch invites (skin crawling...), his house parties (serial killer...) - remind yourself you'd never, ever go and be in his company anyway, and he'll make a new move. And it will hopefully be something big enough to bollock him with.

Look, I am not advocating getting out some metaphorical HR bazooka and blasting this man to smithereens but I do believe that this could be deliberate bullying and the OP's concerns deserve to be listened to and taken seriously, particularly as he has said out loud that she is a 'slut' (or words to that effect) and he already been disciplined for excluding her. The fact that this behaviour takes place by the water-cooler or whatever is completely irrelevant. The moment you step over the threshold into work, you act professionally with EVERYONE, even people you don't particularly warm to and wouldn't be friends with outside of work. And that extends to social events that take place with work colleagues outside of work. You can offer all sorts of explanations - "he must fancy you", "he can't have liked the fact that you didn't invite him to drinks (months ago)" - but the fact remains that you cannot undermine people at work. The law is clear on this and good sense and common decency demands it. If the OP came to me with these concerns, I would listen very, very carefully. I would discuss with her whether she felt able to speak to him directly about her concerns to see if they could be resolved informally (always the ideal scenario) but I would also consider whether more formal action needed to be considered. I would never take any action without speaking to him first because there are always two sides to every story. Ideally, you would hope that the behaviour would stop immediately once he was spoken to (very often, you only need to alert someone to unwanted behaviour and it stops straightaway). However, there is a pattern here and he has already been disciplined for deliberately excluding the OP so it is very probable that his actions are not accidental.

Look other colleagues have noticed his behaviour, and have reported it to management who disciplined him, which means that they take this very seriously. The fact it's emerged she's the only woman there, looks like it's sexual discrimination. So it's ok to make op feel like rubbish at work and feel undervalued, and undermined, so as though his reputation is not ruined 🤔🤔

Different industries/companies even departments work differently. If nobody else texts/responds outside of work hours then on that op would be unreasonable, but if the others DO text and respond outside work hours, especially if HE does then he's treating her differently to other colleagues, which is the point I made.

The word "confront" is very loaded. I don't think anyone is suggesting pistols at dawn but as a professional and grown up, I think you should be able to ask him why he does it, neutrally. How would that be risking a disciplinary?! To my mind it's a bit like if you have a problem with the neighbour's noise. Your first step is to ask them, adult to adult, to be quieter. Then if that doesn't work, after a few goes you escalate to calling env health. The council will expect you to have at least attempted a conversation about it first.

Call him on it first, engage adult to adult, don't be cowed. If he tells you you're being ridiculous it's not the end of the world, you know you're not - and it could well change his behaviour all the same. Try that first then escalate if you can't sort it out yourself. And if you never provide cake or make tea (I may have missed your response on that) sort that out :)

Oh, and I don't think it is unreasonable of him not to respond to texts outside of working hours (although I do think texting is strange in a workplace but each to his own) so I would put that to one side. It's the other behaviours that are the problem.

Graphista: He is only being unreasonable if HE responds to other colleagues outside of working hours and on work-related matters. What the rest of the company do doesn't matter. He isn't obliged to respond to texts when he isn't working.

True trifle I was only meaning that if its standard practice where op works that would explain why she does it/doesn't think it unreasonable

I sometimes respond to emails on my day off - if it's a quick answer, or a project I'm particularly interested in, or I happen to be at a loose end. That doesn't mean I am obliged to respond to any particular person or email - I often ingnore my boss's emails fe as I know answering will get me sucked in to a day long exchange.

And even if it is 'standard practise' to contact people out of hours, that doesn't necessarily imply it's OK or even legal.