Am I being preciously here or am I being bullied at work

[user1481201979]

It's very subtle and I'm probably going to be told I'm ridiculous because it's so hard to explain with examples but i feel bullied by a work colleague.

So I sit on a desk either in the same office or one in the room opposite and he will often pop round and say hi. Several times a day he says hello and it's because of this that I feel I may be wrong to feel bullied and he does go out of his way to say hello so it would seem he doesn't actively dislike me personally. He will go into the other office to say hello when I'm not in his. He is socially confident so likes to chat at people's desk and in this respect doesn't act differently towards me.

But this is where the friendliness ends. He will actively,several times a week go round the office asking anyone if they want to go for lunch with him. But he won't ask me. I don't have a great desire to go but it's a rather obvious snub. It's literally everyone in the office except me and one person commented that he doesn't like going for lunch with me. I felt quite embarrassed. He regularly has house parties at his house but he will not invite me. He invites everyone in the office except me and he does it by asking them if they want to come when I'm not there.

He will get up to make a drink and will grab everyone's cup except mine and make them a drink. Sometimes he looks at me when he's making the drinks but never takes my mug.

He sometimes brings food in from home and he will offer some people it from the tin but never ever me. He just puts in on the side and asks me to help myself.

He was ordering food from his dads website at a discount and asked what people wanted but again, didn't ask me.

He asked everyone for their facebook but when it came to me he pretended he needed to add me for work when I know that's not the case. We aren't even allowed it at work.

In the beginning I would invite him along with other colleagues out for drinks and he would always decline. So he obviously doesn't want to be in contact outside of work which is fine. But I'm worried these invites made him uncomfortable.
I'm wondering if he took me the wrong way. It's now an open invitation and anyone who wants to come can. It's very popular but he never goes when I'm there and if he does he doesn't speak to me.

There will always be people at work we don't like. But he makes me feel excluded and bullied to be honest.
He has also made comments about me being the type of person who
would sleep with anyone although he did apologise several times afterwards

If I need to discuss work with him he will reply quickly to my first text but never ever any subsequent ones unless it's during work time.

He did get disciplined by the manager for not inviting me to his fundraising night so I was pleased the management had felt on that occasion the excluding warranted a discussion. That made me feel better and like I wasn't being paranoid.

I have never discussed this with anyone as I'm worried I will look ridiculous.

Nothing is going to change, I'm not even going to bother myself with why he's like this. I just need you to tell me I'm not being unreasonable and ridiculous. That being excluded, even if it's subtle things like this, is bullying and it's okay for me to feel upset by it.

There's more really, but I just can't explain it.

But he was disciplined for excluding OP from a work related fundraiser. And an inappropriate comment. You can't discipline someone at work because they didn't invite you to a social activity they were throwing outside of work that has no relation to work.

Although this bloke is going about it in a rude way - by talking about activities that OP isn't invited to when she can hear it. You can't really go through a disciplinary route because he won't go for a drink with OP.

Graphista: No, it's not unreasonable for her to text him on a work-related matter as long as that is standard at their workplace.

do you think youd be able to have a word with him, ask him if hes got some sort of problem with you that he'd like to get out in the open, as its pretty noticeable that he invites everyone else to things, and makes everyone else tea etc, but not you, and while you realise its up to him who he socialises with, its starting to weird you out

I [shocked] how people are minimising his inappropriate and unprofessional behaviour. Ok she cannot control what happens outside work, but she has to record unprofessional behaviour that happens within work. It must be bad if others have noticed and reported him. This is how bullies continue, the same that people on here are doing, excusing and minimising.

Having been bullied in work, one of the worst things was other colleagues noticing.

Beach

Acas include social events.

"While verbal and physical bullying are easier for employers to identify, social exclusion is often harder to remedy. Social bullying occurs when colleagues are excluded, ostracised, or ignored by the rest of the team e.g. being left out of meetings or social events ignored, or even overlooked for promotion."

Just as if you discriminate or harass someone at a work do can be grounds for disciplinary action too - there was loads about that in the news last January regarding office Christmas dos (I think there was a particular case being discussed)

Aeroflot agreed it's why people get away with this type of bullying.

Graphista: I think that means work socials, not privately organised stuff. You can't police what people do in their homes or who they go to the pub with.

Social bullying occurs when colleagues are excluded, ostracised, or ignored by the rest of the team

But in this case it is not the team, it is one individual. And the law does not say that colleague A must socialise with colleague B, or invite them to their home/the cinema/a meal etc

I'm not doubting what the OP is telling us, just thinking that she should choose her examples carefully if/when she complains.

And actually there are clear cases where privately organised social events can be classed as workplace bullying. For example if a team leader organises a night out and invites the whole team bar one. A private party where some (but maybe not all) work colleagues are invited along with a host of other friends?

I don't think OP is the only woman there - she's the only young woman. She said everyone else was either male or older. Is that right OP?

A good example would be a wedding - I could invite my whole department to my wedding bar one person I didn't get on with and it wouldn't be workplace bullying. It's a private matter.

Op has said she is the only woman in the team, so this could be it, he might be a sexist pig, or dislike women. It is discrimination and as the company take it seriously, op should report all incidences, so that he is dealt with appropriately. Whilst he is at work, he has to behave in a professional manner, that means asking ALL colleagues if they want a drink, including ALL colleagues in work related matters. Bringing food for ALL the team and not leaving one out. If he can't do that, then he should be disciplined and mabey loose his job if it continues. Op has a right to feel happy at work. What this individual is doing, is sneaky emotional bullying.

Monte having worked with lone parents for a long time my experience has been that some men regard them more as (to quote one man) "as desperate as fat birds but fitter" which is a totally disgusting view in every respect.

On the sly bullying thing, well I'm ditching a client organisation that has continually failed to provide a safe & respectful workplace for me and others. They make all the appropriate noises at the time a grevience is raised but never (to date) fully commit to change. It's subtle, and each incident alone seems insignificant, but viewed as a whole it has been incredibly demoralising and frankly I don't need that shit in my life.

If you really feel stressed by his behaviour raise it again with whoever disciplined him before but realistically if he didn't change then he's unlikely to now even if spoken to again.

I'd be looking for somewhere else (as I have done in my own situation) and letting management know why you are leaving (again something I have done with that recent client org - won't change anything I imagine but at least is on record and if someone was to raise a legal complaint against them (I wish) then I would be glad their behaviour towards me to be in record to corroborate their failings)

The case I was reading about last Jan was a do was organised by work to which everyone went, then a smaller group decided to continue partying elsewhere. Then one man in the group cornered one of the women and sexually harassed her. She raised a grievance and he was disciplined. He then tried to argue that it was an unfair disciplinary but that argument was officially dismissed (I can't remember if it was at a tribunal).

Online discussions were along the same lines - does it count if the event was privately organised. Opinions varied but ultimately for that guy he had to accept it was a work matter.

It doesn't help that as with most things the law is 'open to interpretation' I for one prefer when laws/rules are clear cut - at least then people know where they stand.

Eg barbarian you're saying it's not bullying because its not 'by the rest of the team' my argument would be, they may not be the one controlling the invites but they're colluding with his ostracisation of the op by not adding her to the invite nor raising it with the guy. As a pp said [paraphrasing] who made him Lord and master social secretary for that workplace? There's no reason why a different colleague couldn't invite her, and if they did how's he going to explain excluding her then?

He's an arsehole and probably thinks he's oh-so-clever. He's bullying you in a way that he can deny.

You couod either go 'give me a pieve then ' or 'i'd like a cup of javan black please' everttime he tries to exclude, but it seems mgmt have been spot on previously so i would do that.

I worked with a 'lovely' gitl who seemed pretty and charnung but who actively worked against merging two companies by organising special groups that excluded one or two for works nights out. undeneath it all she was a cracked little osycho it was hivhly damaging fir the company, so yes you should definitely address it if you can. (easy to say from here, wouldn't blame you if you didnt)

must be awful though

'A good example would be a wedding - I could invite my whole department to my wedding bar one person I didn't get on with and it wouldn't be workplace bullying. It's a private matter.'

Exactly it's nuanced it depends on the exact circumstances.

But if eg the guy here organised a social to celebrate a team success - albeit outside of work hours and premises and not 'official' it would be unreasonable to exclude a member of that team.

oh if you are the only woman, its v black and white. you are treated differently, you are a woman. its automatically diacriminatory on a protected characteristic. a
company will.know this b. this means he, whether you take it forward or not is behaving in a way that is unlawful and makes the company.vulnerable to legal challange. this can be a contract breach on his part, and/or nisconduct/gross musconduct.

This makes your position stronger.

Graphista I don't think it is as clear as that (from the info we have). There isn't any evidence that the team as a whole are ostracising her - certainly they (including the guy in question, occasionally) come to the drinks nights she organises. Maybe others on the team organise things and do invite the OP too. All we've been told is that he doesn't invite her to the things he organises - but if that's only a tenth or a fiftyith of the social stuff happening then socialk ostracization would be a hard case to make.

Note, your company bullying and harassment policy may obluge you to report this anyway.

I agree we need clarification from the op.

I understood she was the only YOUNGER woman in the place, but yes if the only woman there's a discriminatory argument there.

Not sure (again the vagaries of the law) what the situation is if she's the only single woman.

Graphista-

The colleague has already been disciplined for socially excluding the OP from a work related function... which would cover Xmas do's.

However the colleague having a party outside of work and not in any way work related isn't the same though? A workplace can't force someone to include someone in a non related matter.

The only thing I would think that a workplace could do was ask all colleagues to not talk about non work related activities?

I'm not trying to sound like a mean person I just don't see how a workplace can govern who you decide to invite to a social function that isn't related to work (as I the guy has already been disciplined for the work related social function) unless these other social activities are also work related and then it would be another matter?

I'm wondering if he's hyper aware of his 'image' and doesn't want anyone trying to couple you up because you're the same age. So, how it looks to the rest of the group is more important to him than anything else. He's therefore going out of his way to make sure that you're not associated with him in any way.

If other people have noticed and commented, it makes me think that the rest of the team have got your back. If all you want is validation then, yes, you're right. Now decide what/if you want to do about it. You could try some direct approach, like giving him your mug and telling him what drink you want, or talk to another team member, or go to management about things which affect the workplace (and creating a general bad feeling could be that, even if events are outside of work).

"A good example would be a wedding - I could invite my whole department to my wedding bar one person I didn't get on with and it wouldn't be workplace bullying. It's a private matter".

Of course, if you didn't invite one person from your department to your wedding but were completely professional and friendly to them in the office, that wouldn't constitute workplace bullying. You would just be a generally rude, unpleasant person. But, you're right - it would be a private matter.

However, if you didn't invite one person from your department to your wedding and were also off-hand and unpleasant to them in the office, then I would take your failure to invite them to your wedding as an 'indication' that perhaps your unpleasant office behaviour was not as innocent as you might make out. In other words, it might make me sit and listen a bit more attentively to your workplace evidence.

Barbarian you're right of course. But we only have what the op has said to go on so like everyone else I'm basing my responses on that

bigboo: I doubt a tribunal would take it into account. They're not there to judge on matters like personal parties. Only evidence that showed the OP was being bullied in the workplace or at work-organised socials (or being excluded from same) would be taken into account. So in this case, the fact that her colleague didn't her invite her on a night out would be irrelevant. It's not illegal for him to dislike her.