Am I being preciously here or am I being bullied at work

[user1481201979]

It's very subtle and I'm probably going to be told I'm ridiculous because it's so hard to explain with examples but i feel bullied by a work colleague.

So I sit on a desk either in the same office or one in the room opposite and he will often pop round and say hi. Several times a day he says hello and it's because of this that I feel I may be wrong to feel bullied and he does go out of his way to say hello so it would seem he doesn't actively dislike me personally. He will go into the other office to say hello when I'm not in his. He is socially confident so likes to chat at people's desk and in this respect doesn't act differently towards me.

But this is where the friendliness ends. He will actively,several times a week go round the office asking anyone if they want to go for lunch with him. But he won't ask me. I don't have a great desire to go but it's a rather obvious snub. It's literally everyone in the office except me and one person commented that he doesn't like going for lunch with me. I felt quite embarrassed. He regularly has house parties at his house but he will not invite me. He invites everyone in the office except me and he does it by asking them if they want to come when I'm not there.

He will get up to make a drink and will grab everyone's cup except mine and make them a drink. Sometimes he looks at me when he's making the drinks but never takes my mug.

He sometimes brings food in from home and he will offer some people it from the tin but never ever me. He just puts in on the side and asks me to help myself.

He was ordering food from his dads website at a discount and asked what people wanted but again, didn't ask me.

He asked everyone for their facebook but when it came to me he pretended he needed to add me for work when I know that's not the case. We aren't even allowed it at work.

In the beginning I would invite him along with other colleagues out for drinks and he would always decline. So he obviously doesn't want to be in contact outside of work which is fine. But I'm worried these invites made him uncomfortable.
I'm wondering if he took me the wrong way. It's now an open invitation and anyone who wants to come can. It's very popular but he never goes when I'm there and if he does he doesn't speak to me.

There will always be people at work we don't like. But he makes me feel excluded and bullied to be honest.
He has also made comments about me being the type of person who
would sleep with anyone although he did apologise several times afterwards

If I need to discuss work with him he will reply quickly to my first text but never ever any subsequent ones unless it's during work time.

He did get disciplined by the manager for not inviting me to his fundraising night so I was pleased the management had felt on that occasion the excluding warranted a discussion. That made me feel better and like I wasn't being paranoid.

I have never discussed this with anyone as I'm worried I will look ridiculous.

Nothing is going to change, I'm not even going to bother myself with why he's like this. I just need you to tell me I'm not being unreasonable and ridiculous. That being excluded, even if it's subtle things like this, is bullying and it's okay for me to feel upset by it.

There's more really, but I just can't explain it.

So you're the only female employee? All the others are men of varying ages, marital status and length of employment?
Surely the obvious answer is he has some issue around that then?
It could be
He fancies you
He thinks you're coming on to him
He's from a culture or background that treats women differently
He is frightened of women
Etc.
Or he could just be sexist.

I'd not want to invite someone to lunch who'd got me disciplined, however justified the disciplinary had been (and I'm still not convinced - lack of details). And I'd probably avoid being alone with them just in case I did something else they didn't like. Yes he made an inappropriate comment but he apologised, several times. People do make comments that they intend to be humorous but that come out wrong - maybe it was one of those. Not making you tea is twattish but trying to get someone disciplined for that?! At this rate he'll be taking out a complaint against you....

Katy07 he was behaving like this long before the disciplinary

I have never once complained. He has only been disciplined because others complained or saw something they felt needed discussing.

He's been like this from day one pretty much. Maybe four days after I arrived.

You're being very obviously excluded from various things by this utter arse-wipe and that's a form of bullying. Go to your manager again or go to HR.
Frankly it doesn't matter if he doesn't like you but in the workplace he's expected to be professional. He can invite his chums for play dates discreetly without making a big deal of leaving you out.

Why don't you just confront him about it OP? Say calmly and politely that you have noticed he seems to have an issue with you and doesn't treat you in the same way he treats other colleagues. Say as far as you are concerned there is no reason for it, has there been some kind of misunderstanding? Maybe if he does have feelings for you or misconceptions about you fancying him it can be put to rest here.

If not I would either ignore, as it would not really bother me, or as it clearly does bother you take it to a manager. Frankly as you say, you don't know or care what is causing it, you just want him to sort it out and be polite, which he should be told to do.

But GiveMY the problem is that he is asking the others to parties etc very subtly but excluding the OP:

I would not confront him myself, aside from that being incredibly difficult to do it leaves you wide open for him to complain about you which I wouldn't put past him.

The company is limited in what they can do without a valid complainant.

The fact your colleagues were the ones to complain adds to my feeling he's done this before.

Please speak to line manager/HR as soon as possible. You might find they're keen for you to raise this.

I wonder too if the 'making sure he says hello' occasionally is his ridiculous minimal effort to avoid a complaint against him of this type.

I think he is probably very clumsily ensuring that you don't have any 'non-work" related contact. Maybe he fancies you or maybe he doesn't but either way way he seems to have weird ideas about how much contact a single young male and female co-worker should have. As you have said all the other employees in your office are male or older females it is almost certainly related to this in some way.

Either way it is not acceptable and I am sorry you are having to put up with it, it sounds quite upsetting.

I just need you to tell me I'm not being unreasonable and ridiculous. That being excluded, even if it's subtle things like this, is bullying and it's okay for me to feel upset by it

HE IS, AND....you are giving this twat way way way too much power here. he is just some fucking bell end that you work with. he is not your mate, never has been and never will be.

Its so easy to say this, but what would it take for you to not give a shit?

I also think he might fancy you a bit but for some reason he hates the fact that he fancies you?

Quite possibly Graphista. I've been on the receiving end of bullying like this (thankfully not in the workplace) and it is akin to death by 1000 cuts. The woman who bullied me was very careful - it was obvious to me but only occasionally overt.

Frankly what's already happened is certainly grounds for him to be strongly disciplined if not dismissed.

Deliberately excluded op from a professionally Important event.

Made an inappropriate sexual
comment (were the 2 of you alone when he did this?)

Unnecessarily abrupt responses to work based communication. (The company would be entitled to view all his work related communications to conmpare too, so if he responds to others at times he wouldn't to you that's another nail in his coffin).

Permanently excludes op from accepted office courtesies.

In my case the bully seemed to have an issue with other nationalities too (scots) and I was subjected to a barrage of 'jokes' derogatory to that daily. One of the others she bullied after me had the same treatment but different nationality (Welsh) such a weird thing to do.

'The woman who bullied me was very careful - it was obvious to me but only occasionally overt.'

I had the same problem, I didn't feel confident making a complaint until she made the mistake of not realising someone else was in the lois with us when she made a nasty comment. That person that overheard went with me to line manager to back me up I was so grateful.

I'm a little annoyed by those saying 'suck it up' 'shrug it off'.

That's not easy even if it weren't affecting you professionally, this guy isn't just attacking the op on a personal level but a professional one. Would you let someone like this put YOUR job at risk?

And yes death by 1000 cuts a good analogy. If the op is working full time that's putting up with this crap all day every day 5 days a week. I doubt many mners would expect an op to 'shrug it off' if their partner/friend/family member were treating them like this.

It sounds unpleasant, childish and petty. I'm a bullying advisor at my work and this stuff would fall under our policy as bullying by exclusion.

I don't know why so many people are saying he fancies you though, it sounds like the complete opposite to me. I think he is very deliberately and pointedly avoiding any non-work contact with you for some reason but if somebody was doing this to me I would assume it was because they didn't like me. It might be that he's worried you fancy him or other people will think he fancies you or something but he is clearly very childish if he thinks this is the way to manage that situation.

Would you feel comfortable raising it with him? A sort of 'X I couldn't noticing that you always make tea/offer biscuits/invite everyone else out but not me and I wondered if I had done something to offend you?' type of thing?

He certainly wouldn't be dismissed at my work Graphista but it would be investicated as a disciplinary matter. Informal resolution is always better than going straight to a disciplinary in my experience though as 'throwing the book at somebody' can exacerbate the situation.

Different companies/employers have different approaches.

I've worked places you'd get sacked for much less and places they seem to want to keep the shittiest employees

There was a bloke who used to do this to me in a social group. He'd go round the table and buy everyone a drink but me. I mentioned it to the others who told me was being paranoid, then they started noticing it too. I KNOW it wasn't that I was backward in standing my round.

One day I just asked him why, and he stopped doing it.

I think it probably wouldn't hurt to grow a thicker skin with some things, eg if he tells you to help yourself to his cake, do so. If he's making tea and you've already made him one that day give a cheery "oh you're making? Cheers" and pass him your mug. IF he is a bully - and I don't know on that one tbh - then cowering and letting the slights beat you down would be letting him "win".

X doesn't make me a cup of tea.
X doesn't respond to my works questions out of work hours.
X doesn't invite me to lunch.

I fail to see how he's "attacking her on a professional level"

The inappropriate comment is the only thing that is out of order, but the OP seems more worried about the perceived exclusion.

@Dadstheworld - thank god, some sanity amongst the madness

Hi OP,
I am a long-time lurker on Mumsnet and have never posted before but felt that I had to reply to your email. As a HR professional for over 25 years' experience, I do believe that you are being bullied by this man. Bullying is usually very subtle and insidious and bullies are manipulative and clever. Very typically, workplace bullies will undermine someone in very, very subtle ways in the hope that no-one will notice (but sufficient enough that the target will feel its effects). Exclusion is common and typical behaviour. Taking independently, each incident feels insignificant but, taken collectively, it amounts to a pattern of behaviour that has a hugely detrimental effect on an individual. This has been a very typical trait in every bullying case that I have handled. You are not unusual in thinking "is this just me? Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I going mad?". And it doesn't matter if this behaviour takes place out of the workplace (at drinks, social events etc). In law, work social events are an extension of the workplace and behaviour of this type should not be tolerated.

You need to do something about this now. I am not sure if your workplace is big enough to have a HR department but, if it does, you should go and speak to someone in confidence. If it doesn't, you should speak to your line manager. Look up your grievance and complaints procedure and follow it. Write down everything that he has done or said to you (the comment about you being sexually 'up for anything' is absolutely disgusting and, alone, could constitute a final written warning or worst). If your workplace is professional, then his behaviour will not be tolerated. Personally, I would investigate it immediately and, given his previous 'form', he would be looking at a very serious penalty.

This is absolutely NOT ON. With my professional hat firmly off, he sounds like a dick.

Good luck. I will be thinking of you.

I think he is very deliberately and pointedly avoiding any non-work contact with you for some reason

It sounds like the OP was coming on too strong!
OP is saying that she invited him for drinks - general invite, but feels like he understood it as a direct invite, which he declined.
The OP is texting him (again, why?)

The guy is going out of his way to stay away from the OP, inviting other people whilst she is not there. He's not doing it to her face.

Good grief, I hope you can try to stay away from someone who you feel is being non-professional without being accused of bullying! The "sleeping around" comment is absolutely unacceptable and he should get in trouble for that. It could still be a comment about why he doesn't want to be near the op

bigboo he was already been disciplined for the comments and for leaving the OP out of the works do - those things have been dealt with. The social stuff now is not work social stuff it's private social stuff - so how can he be disciplined for it?