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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being preciously here or am I being bullied at work

202 replies

user1481201979 · 08/12/2016 13:04

It's very subtle and I'm probably going to be told I'm ridiculous because it's so hard to explain with examples but i feel bullied by a work colleague.

So I sit on a desk either in the same office or one in the room opposite and he will often pop round and say hi. Several times a day he says hello and it's because of this that I feel I may be wrong to feel bullied and he does go out of his way to say hello so it would seem he doesn't actively dislike me personally. He will go into the other office to say hello when I'm not in his. He is socially confident so likes to chat at people's desk and in this respect doesn't act differently towards me.

But this is where the friendliness ends. He will actively,several times a week go round the office asking anyone if they want to go for lunch with him. But he won't ask me. I don't have a great desire to go but it's a rather obvious snub. It's literally everyone in the office except me and one person commented that he doesn't like going for lunch with me. I felt quite embarrassed. He regularly has house parties at his house but he will not invite me. He invites everyone in the office except me and he does it by asking them if they want to come when I'm not there.

He will get up to make a drink and will grab everyone's cup except mine and make them a drink. Sometimes he looks at me when he's making the drinks but never takes my mug.

He sometimes brings food in from home and he will offer some people it from the tin but never ever me. He just puts in on the side and asks me to help myself.

He was ordering food from his dads website at a discount and asked what people wanted but again, didn't ask me.

He asked everyone for their facebook but when it came to me he pretended he needed to add me for work when I know that's not the case. We aren't even allowed it at work.

In the beginning I would invite him along with other colleagues out for drinks and he would always decline. So he obviously doesn't want to be in contact outside of work which is fine. But I'm worried these invites made him uncomfortable.
I'm wondering if he took me the wrong way. It's now an open invitation and anyone who wants to come can. It's very popular but he never goes when I'm there and if he does he doesn't speak to me.

There will always be people at work we don't like. But he makes me feel excluded and bullied to be honest.
He has also made comments about me being the type of person who
would sleep with anyone although he did apologise several times afterwards

If I need to discuss work with him he will reply quickly to my first text but never ever any subsequent ones unless it's during work time.

He did get disciplined by the manager for not inviting me to his fundraising night so I was pleased the management had felt on that occasion the excluding warranted a discussion. That made me feel better and like I wasn't being paranoid.

I have never discussed this with anyone as I'm worried I will look ridiculous.

Nothing is going to change, I'm not even going to bother myself with why he's like this. I just need you to tell me I'm not being unreasonable and ridiculous. That being excluded, even if it's subtle things like this, is bullying and it's okay for me to feel upset by it.

There's more really, but I just can't explain it.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 08/12/2016 18:19
Beachplease · 08/12/2016 18:20

We had a very similar situation at my workplace a while ago where one person wasn't invited to a social function that others were.

Maybe it sounds like going to an extreme but we just didn't talk about said social function in the workplace. And all colleagues were professional towards each other.

Maybe that's the easiest way forward for the non work related stuff, and then if this colleague is also still being unprofessional after he's been disciplined for previous behaviour then bring it up again?

CaspoFungin · 08/12/2016 18:21

Yeah the OP said she was the only younger woman not the only woman!!!

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 18:25

Also, even if the colleague is sexist. any discrimination claim would need to be brought against the employer, and the OP would have to prove they had ignored her when she made a complaint of gender discrimination from her colleague. It sounds like they backed her up when he made inappropriate comments.

Graphista · 08/12/2016 18:25

Interesting perspective bigboo.

And the acas info plus some other bits I've been looking at online suggest most HR depts/bosses would yes of course not insist nor it be within their right to insist a work colleague be invited to a private function like a wedding. But if that person is as a pattern of behaviour seen to be divisive, not a team player, excluding certain colleagues they're certainly at least not going to be first in line for a promotion and likely to be under a certain level of scrutiny/considered to be a worker causing concern.

Particularly as acas points out and I think I saw something on Forbes site that it costs businesses a lot of money in terms of reduced performance, more sick days (not just the person being bullied), poor company reputation for hiring, higher staff turnover etc

Hellothereitsme · 08/12/2016 18:28

Next time he makes a cup of tea hold your cup up and say mines a tea please. You are an adult just speak up.

I'm assuming you take your turn to make the tea?

He is a twat. However Don't text him out of work hours. If a senior male did that to me I would close down and find it odd.

It may be bullying but we are all adults and don't we have to stand up for ourselves sometimes rather than expect our manager to deal with it - unless of course it is persistent bullying which needs reporting to HR. I don't class this as bullying however I appreciate the law is such that if the OP perceives it as bullying then it is bullying.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 08/12/2016 18:30

Rereading, the OP did say 'she' about another colleague and said everyone else was older or a man.

bigboo · 08/12/2016 18:32

Trifle - You're absolutely right. I doubt a tribunal would take failure to invite someone to a wedding/private party etc as evidence. However, as a HR manager, it might indicate to me that there is a potential bullying issue IF someone came to me and provided evidence of workplace bullying. I am simply saying that I would probably listen to the person a little bit harder. However, in terms of any investigation, I would only take into account workplace evidence (or incidents that happened at post-work socials which are considered an extension of the workplace). I hope that clarifies my comment.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 18:35

bigboo: Yes, definitely.

Graphista · 08/12/2016 18:53

"But nowhere has she complained about the behaviour of her other colleagues. If anything, they seem supportive."

"one person commented that he doesn't like going for lunch with me" no idea if this was said nicely or not.

"another member of staff heard it [the sexual comment] and I think she might have said something as he was called into the office a few minutes later"

And apparently either another or the same member of staff raised the issue of the fund raiser OR managers noticed a discrepancy in the arrangements.

So

possibly a few supportive other staff members

possibly all/several supportive and not always noticing the other stuff (understandable when it's so subtle/insidious)

possibly only one other staff member noticing/acting.

If it's different people going to each social occasion he organised and a large number of staff that would also mean it's difficult for others to notice something going on.

But equally, he could be known for this type of behaviour and people aren't calling him on it (for various reasons including not wanting him to do same to them, op has pissed him off somehow and so they know why he's doing it and therefore are to a degree colluding - doesn't make it acceptable, or they think it's none of their business, or they're unsure how to handle it).

GinAndTeaForMe · 08/12/2016 18:56

You are not being unreasonable. I think this is a form of bullying. Definitely speak with a manager.

drinkingchanelno5 · 08/12/2016 19:21

Sounds to me like he just doesn't like you. That's not bullying.

scaryclown · 08/12/2016 19:29

Attacking someone because you

scaryclown · 08/12/2016 19:30

dont like them is bullying

CondensedMilkSarnies · 08/12/2016 19:37

I wonder if he's been disciplined before for being 'over friendly' with a female colleague and doesn't want to get bollocked again .

Trouble is if you complain Op , he might start to make you drinks but it would be under duress.

bigboo · 08/12/2016 19:38

"Sounds to me like he just doesn't like you. That's not bullying".

Drinking: It isn't bullying if you just don't like someone at work. It is bullying if you act on it.

sonjadog · 08/12/2016 19:43

I think he thinks you fancy him. Or he is worried that if he invites you to stuff and is nice, then you will start to fancy him. Or maybe someone at work has said to him that you two should get together and it has made him really conscious of his behaviour around you.

Not sure reporting him for bullying is the way forward. I´d probably just ignore him. Don´t invite him, get my own drink, don´t eat his biscuits, etc. Nothing annoys a man who has big ideas about his own attractiveness as much as indifference.

Cloudhopping · 08/12/2016 19:49

This sounds like relational aggression to me OP and I would class that as bullying. It's manipulative, subtle and very difficult to manage. On their own, the incidences seem minor but if done repeatedly over a sustained period of time, which this guy seems to be doing, the effect can be huge. If you want to take it further keep a log of incidences over a period of time and report to your manager. It's not acceptable. Yes, he's allowed not to like you, but is going out of his way to single you out for different treatment. Good luck OP.

bigboo · 08/12/2016 19:50

Sonjadog: Not sure how you have deduced that he thinks the OP fancies him or is afraid he might.

OP: If you decide not to take decisive action (which, BTW, I think you should), complete indifference can be a useful ploy as Sonjadog has suggested.

sonjadog · 08/12/2016 19:54

Because I have seen and experienced similar behaviour myself in the workplace, and it was for that reason.

CantGetNoSleeeeeeep · 08/12/2016 20:13

I have been bullied at work and it was similar to this but more subtle! I thought I was going mad! He's a bully make no mistake. I was able to avoid her, not sure of what you should do so I am taking advice too.

bigboo · 08/12/2016 20:21

Sonajoy: if it it were the case, does that excuse his behaviour? I am assuming he isn't 12?

OP: Why don't you confide your feelings in a trusted colleague if you have one and gauge their reaction? I bet this is more noticeable that you think and many of your colleagues feel bad on your behalf. You will then have more confidence to take it further and have the potential support of witnesses.

Muskey · 08/12/2016 20:23

I hate to be a nay sayer but I wouldn't count this as bullying. Although I accept that you may as we all have different tolerances for bullying. I think he fancies you and doesn't want to make it obvious so he is going to extremes. I personally would ignore him do you really want somebody in your life like that.

sonjadog · 08/12/2016 20:38

No, it doesn't excuse his behaviour. I didn't say it did.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/12/2016 21:12

If I need to discuss work with him he will reply quickly to my first text but never ever any subsequent ones unless it's during work time.

That's fair enough, I think - I'd be a bit annoyed if a colleague was texting me about work during leisure time, too. I might not reply at all, let alone once.

I'm torn between thinking that he bullies you or that he just doesn't like you; which it seems is fairly clear. I'm going to presume that last time he was told to be civil, which is what he thinks he's doing by saying hello to you, but that's where he sees the line between being civil and being friendly.

Obviously the previous comments were completely unacceptable. The new behaviour just appears that you don't get on socially. I don't think you'd get away with making a drink for everyone but one person where I work, but you'd never be told that you had to accept invites to drinks/invite people for lunch/add people on Facebook/share food or discounts with colleagues that you didn't want too.

I'm sorry that it's bothering you, and I'd talk to your manager regardless, you should feel welcome at work and although they probably can't force him to treat you the same as everyone else if he's friends with others and not you, they can surely limit your exposure to each other. And if they do feel it's bullying, they should do something about it.