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Original poster

Dd's friend has taken my eyeliner - wwyd?

325 replies

Clara81 · 08/12/2016 09:31

Dd1 (12) has a good friend who pretty much lives at out house. She comes every morning for a lift to school, and most evenings after school, usually staying for tea and beyond. She is a nice girl and I'm happy that dd has a friend she gets on with so well. I'm a single parent and not exactly minted but I've done a lot for her - I gave her my old iPhone, taken her on trips out to the cinema, bought her takeaways if we're having one etc. Dd never goes to her house, because she's scared of her friend's mum.

Anyway, the night before last I was downstairs and the friend and my dd2 were hanging out in my room, and the friend was straightening her hair and dd2's hair. My make up bag was on the floor next to my hair straighteners. Right after they'd finished, the friend went home, unusually early for her.

Then yesterday afternoon I was doing my make up and realised that my eyeliner was missing. I haven't had it long and it was an expensive one (£25). I looked all around in case it had rolled under the bed or something but it is definitely not there.

I picked dd2 up from after school club and asked her if her and the friend had been using my make up. She is only 6 and wouldn't understand what I was getting at, you can rely on her for an honest answer. She said she hadn't but the friend had been. I asked her specifically about the eyeliner and she said confidently that she had seen the friend with it. No one else had been in my room or near my make up bag since then.

I then happened to bump into the friend in town, and the little bugger was wearing my eyeliner! I had it out with her, calmly, and she flatly denied having taken it, coming up with some overly elaborate story about her mum buying her an eyeliner. I said that I knew she'd had it the day before, and she was the last one to have it, so either it is returned or she needs to pay to replace it. She looked sheepish and said ok.

This morning, no sign of her. She always comes here for a lift, so it's making her look even more guilty IMO. I'm livid about it, I feel like she has really betrayed my trust, and I'm also very pissed off that I've no longer got my expensive eyeliner! I'm not sure how to handle it from here though, WWYD?

OP posts:
witsender · 08/12/2016 21:23

She hasn't chosen the eye liner over the friend, she is scared and embarrassed.

Pidlan · 08/12/2016 21:32

"there will be consequences" is waaaay too menacing for a 12-yr-old who may have taken your eyeliner. She is probably scared and upset, and thought she had taken a £2.50 pencil. She shouldn't have taken it, of coure, but it sounds as if you've completely withdrawn all friendship and affection because of this. You are probably a massive influence in her life- it would have been kind for you to sit down with her and explained why this is not right, and how you can't have her over as often if this happens again.

MysweetAudrina · 08/12/2016 21:46

My sd stole £50 from my wallet when she was that age. Glad I didn't come here for advice. Have none of your children ever stolen something? Do alot of kids not steal something from a shop or house at some stage? She obviously can't face you as she is ashamed and maybe acted on impulse and can't face what she has done. If it was me I would tell her that she is still welcome to your home and explain to her that you understand that people sometimes make bad decisions but that it's ok once you learn from it and then I would just move on. I can't think of any relationship worth ending over an eyeliner.

QueenLizIII · 08/12/2016 21:49

She might have taken it thinking it was cheap and wouldnt be an issue.

Given the behaviour of the OP and her DD at school, she will never admit it, give it back or come near either of you again, she is probably far too scared.

Given that most people are parents on this site, would you like to told your 12 yo child took something and deal with it, or would you be happy to not know and have your 12 yo menaced at their own school by their friends mother and their so called friend?

I feel very sorry for her tbh. She is probably afraid to see OP or her DD at her own school and feels she has to hide.

It has been blown out of all proportion. A simple, "I cant find my eyeliner, did you borrow it because I need it back" would suffice. Not questioning an unreliable 6 yo and then confronting in an aggressive manner and then setting your daughter on her.

Oh well, you have you house back now and if anything goes missing again, you know your own DD did it.

Win win situation.

FrancisCrawford · 08/12/2016 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Clara81 · 08/12/2016 22:12

Neither me or dd were 'aggressive' with her. Considering how angry I was yesterday I was remarkably calm with her, whilst making it clear I expected the eyeliner to be found.

I do feel sorry for her because I think she is a messed up kid. But I'm not going to go running after her to give her the chance to put what she has done right, I am prepared to forgive her but she needs to make the effort to try and sort this out. I'm still cross so maybe just as well that she is clearly going to avoid me for the time being, that gives me more of chance to calm down.

Chances are she did know it was valuable, she spends a lot of time watching make up tutorials on YouTube.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 08/12/2016 22:19

How does your daughter feel about all this?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/12/2016 22:26

Neither me or dd were 'aggressive' with her. Considering how angry I was yesterday I was remarkably calm with her, whilst making it clear I expected the eyeliner to be found.

I was the person who suggested the phrasing may have been scary earlier - I didn't at all mean that you'd been aggressive, just that some adult phrases can be petrifying to children, and I always found them pretty scary, coming from a pretty crap home with little 'parenting'.

To be honest, if we got told off by a friend's parents, I expected to be hit. I would have known how to cope with that, but I wouldn't have known how to cope with someone being disappointed in me, or angry at me, or 'consequences'. I don't think my friend's parents knew what my family life was like, really, I minimised contact between my parents and my friends parents. They probably had an idea from all the bruising, to be fair, but they may have just blamed my siblings!

She could be nothing like me, she may not have a broken home, she may know exactly what she's done and what you mean. I was just hoping that with plainer language, she might "come round", because she'd understand what was at risk and what would happen.

I still think if your DD can talk to her and say that if the eyeliner is back in your house before bedtime tomorrow it'll be forgotten, and that you'll drive her home tomorrow, she'll know what to do. It gives her a route 'out'.

Original poster
Clara81 · 08/12/2016 22:29

She doesn't seem too bothered. She had a good friend at school from the start, then in the summer term last year the eyeliner friend joined their gang. The original friend felt pushed out by her, as EL friend is a dominant personality and original friend is a bit of a mouse. I think dd enjoyed spending time just with the original friend today. Maybe if it drags on she will start to miss her but at the moment she isn't worried.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 08/12/2016 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/12/2016 22:56

That's a bit presumptuous. It doesn't sound like OP particularly wants to do that.

True, I presumed OP would edit to what she felt like. I was intending to show the girl is welcome, but obviously that's only true if she is... good point.

This feels like a difficult one to navigate. On the one hand, I can imagine the girl feeling stuck even if she does feel bad for what she did; it's a tough lesson to lose someone who seemed pretty important to her. On the other, we don't even know if she is sorry; and even if she is, OP isn't required to forgive her.

OzzieFem · 09/12/2016 01:46

If the EL friends mother is strict she may not of been impressed with her daughter wearing eyeliner when she came home and found daughter wearing it. Possibly she may have demanded daughter handed it over and then disposed of it, leaving your daughters EL friend unable to return it.

Does EL girl get pocket money to buy a new EL as replacement or would her mother have withheld pocket money to prevent her daughter buying more makeup? Only OP's daughter can find this out.

hollyisalovelyname · 09/12/2016 02:34

Very strange that she has been given a phone from you and had an iPad too and you've not met her parents. If one of my dds were given those I would have spoken to or thanked the benefactor.
The fact that she spends so much time at your house, you give her lifts etc.
Home life certainly seems strange.

Original poster
Clara81 · 09/12/2016 12:52

Update - I just had to take dd's lunch into school, and she handed me an envelope. It had my name on the front and inside - MY EYELINER! No note or anything, just the eyeliner. Envelope was from the friend btw, not dd. What now?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2016 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Clara81 · 09/12/2016 13:00

I really don't know. Just a note with the words 'I'm sorry' inside the envelope would have been enough. I'm shocked, even though I knew full well she'd taken it.

OP posts:
Pettywoman · 09/12/2016 13:00

I'd get back to normal but not trust her. Get dd to keep an eye on her and ban her from your room.

JellyBelli · 09/12/2016 13:03

Its a shame that she hasn't been shown how to behave and you are left doing the parenting for someone else.
If she has pushed out another child, I wouldnt let things go back to how they were before. I'd start by explaining that stealing isnt acceptable and lace limits on how often she is round.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 09/12/2016 13:05

I wouldn't be getting back to normal with her. She can't be trusted unfortunately. She hasn't even offered an explanation or an apology to you. I wouldn't be having her around just yet.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/12/2016 13:06

Just draw a line under it (not using the eyeliner).

I imagine that she won't want to come over to your house again anyway. If she does, ask for an apology, and then see how it goes?

FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2016 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stopmithering · 09/12/2016 13:14

Here's my view-
This is a girl who has been at your house on a frequent and regular basis. You don't say anything has happened like this before. She very probably had no idea the eyeliner was worth £25, thought you'd never notice one piddly eyeliner missing and nabbed it instinctively - she liked it and wanted it.
She knows it was wrong, but being 12, didn't know how to resolve the situation nor how to say sorry. Saying sorry can be hard, especially when you are young.
She's returned it- its an admission that she was wrong. In her head she might be equating that with an apology.
If it were me, next time I saw her, I would tell her how much it upset you (she may not get that) and that you know she's a nice girl and that she won't do anything similar again. This might give her an opening to apologise.

UnbornMortificado · 09/12/2016 13:15

It doesn't sound good that your DD is scared of her mam.

Honestly? I'd talk to her and see if there's any problems at home.

I think there's more going on then a eyeliner tbh.

Phoebeby · 09/12/2016 13:18

Its really odd that your 6 yo is friends with a 12yo, how come theyre at the same school?

RandomMess · 09/12/2016 13:20

I would text the girl - "thank you for returning for the eyeliner, it takes courage to admit to something like that, see you soon when you next see DD"

I know she didn't quite but she is far more likely to learn something from your "forgiveness" and still being accepted in your home. That will give you more of an opportunity to speak to her about it and explain that a "sorry" would be appreciated.