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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'I can't even cook cheese on toast'

649 replies

NaughtyLittlePassport · 07/12/2016 13:09

Prepared to be told IABU.
Having coffee with a relatively new friend, I said something about making Christmas dinner, she then said that she 'couldn't even make cheese on toast'. I was visibly gobsmacked and as it turns out she really can't cook anything!
She was really offended that I was so surprised, and told me she'd always been too busy to learn. I've offered to help her with some basics but she's ignored my message and cancelled our DS's playing together Shock
To not drip feed I was really shocked, going 'what not even. ....' and questioning what her kids eat probably a bit too much.
But really, wouldn't you be shocked if a 40 year old couldn't cook anything at all?

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LightDrizzle · 07/12/2016 13:43

A very competent carer once babysat my youngest daughter in the evening, my daughter is tube-fed so doesn't need cooking for, but I left a homemade beef ragu in a pan in the fridge for the 40+ year old carer to heat up and the pack of dried spaghetti on the side. When we got back, she hadn't eaten it because she said didn't know how to cook the spaghetti Shock.

She had an eight year old daughter and no partner so I was pretty surprised. It's the reluctance to follow basic instructions on a packet that puzzle me. - I didn't offer to show her though, if she wants to live a spaghetti-free existence that's up to her.

MrsHathaway · 07/12/2016 13:43

I think part of my shock was that my DS has multiple allergies, so DH and I have to cook bloody everything from scratch. It takes up a lot of time getting a balanced diet into him

Cross posted.

Two friends and I had babies together. The other two babies had a series of allergies.

One mother had to learn to cook from scratch rather than convenience/jars etc - eg making curry from raw meat with vegetables and spices rather than a Sharwoods jar.

The other mother already cooked from scratch, so just adjusted her list of possible ingredients.

I'm somewhere inbetween tbh, so I just counted my blessings and shared recipes.

Elanrode · 07/12/2016 13:43

I eat porridge, vegetables, fruit, crisps (!) sandwiches, cereal, boil a free range egg sometimes. It's all good. To be honest my diet is probably better than many of my cooking friends.

xStefx · 07/12/2016 13:43

you probably made her feel like crap by coming across all shocked like she was useless or something. I personably cant cook either, but my partner cooks lovely meals for us and our daughter. Her harsh response was probably in par with your harsh and old fashioned judgment.

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 13:44

MrsHathaway Fair comment! I am at least putting in the effort though. Ah man. My kids are going to be a horrific eaters as karma for the post I made in this thread aren't they?

M0stlyHet Dude - this is why I am redoing my menu! I am trying to learn more child friendly stuff. Like the sneaky vegetable sauces.

BTW. I totally couldn't cook five years ago. I could have probably figured out cheese on toast.

It's maybe a bigger deal for me because i had pretty atrocious nutrition and I've seen / felt how important it is first hand. Also, I made the (possibly wrong, now I've read the update) assumption that the kid was being fed takeaway the entire time and I find that they are usually laden with salt, sugar, chemicals, or, all three.

user1480946351 · 07/12/2016 13:45

Oh FFS User. She's got a child that needs feeding properly

And that child has another mother who does cook. So again, why should she? Lots of couples have one that doesn't cook, its just that they usually have a penis so thats more socially acceptable.

Flingmoo · 07/12/2016 13:45

It doesn't make sense though. If she is quite happy not to cook, she wouldn't feel like shit for being questioned about it. But if she is sensitive enough about the topic to cancel a playdate, how the hell has she got to the age of 40 and not thought "hmm it's a shame I can't cook, let's find a basic recipe to try out"... I mean come on, that really is idiotic.

PleaseNotTrump · 07/12/2016 13:46

You sound judgy. I would have told you to do one.

I imagine her children eat raw vegetables/salad/fruit.cheeses/cooked meats/bread and are perfectly healthy.

I know an incredibly capable woman who can't cook - she just applies her skills to other people like curing people

user1480946351 · 07/12/2016 13:46

It does make sense though. You can be fine with your own choices and still not enjoy other people judging you for them.

PleaseNotTrump · 07/12/2016 13:46

to other things not people*

xStefx · 07/12/2016 13:47

Plus offering to teach her to "cook the basics" comes across really smug, id back off to

MrsHathaway · 07/12/2016 13:48

MrsHathaway Fair comment! I am at least putting in the effort though. Ah man. My kids are going to be a horrific eaters as karma for the post I made in this thread aren't they?

I do hope not, for your sake.

I used to be vocal about how PFB's excellent vocabulary was because we spoke to him so much and supported him with baby signing, and of course he had only had one tantrum in his life because he always felt listened to and was able to express himself.

Now we've been referred to the paediatrician about DC3 whose language is a good year behind and whose behaviour is well over the trigger point.

Nothing to do with parenting and all to do with nature. Although in fairness we gave them the genetics too, so it's still our fault. Not karma either, just Life.

Whatwhatinthewhatnow · 07/12/2016 13:48

Everyone saying you can't cook - fair enough, perhaps you can assemble a pasta or some beans but cannot produce a complicated meal, right? The OPs friend cannot even turn a grill on and off. That's not "not being able to cook". Can she make a cup of tea I wonder, that's water, tea and milk - one more ingredient than cheese on toast.

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 13:49

xStefx But if someone hadn't offered to teach me the basics, I wouldn't have started. I wouldn't have had the confidence. Once I'd nailed the basics with someone, I was totally cool to go grab a recipe book (started with a basic one) and go from there.

I think part of cooking is the enjoyment of learning from someone at the start. It's a really communal process is cooking.

TaraCarter · 07/12/2016 13:49

Hang on, wait.

What's the definition of "can't cook" again?

See, I thought it was someone who was incapable of reading a packet and putting it in the oven for the prescribed time, never mind boiling pasta .

Are we saying that oven chips and Aunt Bessie's don't count as cooking either, too?

Shite. I can't cook!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2016 13:49

Yes, Passport, you are sneering at her. Please stop pretending that you aren't. Your blanking things out disdain for your 'friend' is quite obvious. Your apology was inadequate and I think your friendship is now done.

80schild · 07/12/2016 13:50

All I will say is that everyone has areas of weakness and if it is an area that she really struggles with she is probably really sensitive about it (I have my own mental block with DIY so can completely understand it). It might be nice to apologise for being so tactless without any buts and justifications.

motherinferior · 07/12/2016 13:50

Plenty of men are like this and sadly plenty of women facilitate it.

ElfOnMyShelf · 07/12/2016 13:50

I used to work with a girl like this, there was about 7 years between us, but it was the time they had done away with cooking at school. She had a mum who would never let her in the kitchen as it was her domain, so she never learnt.
She did want to learn, but never felt confident in anything she had made. So lived on a diet of fish fingers, chips and beans.

I think you probably went on a bit more then you should, and she over reacted. I would text her to apologise if you upset her..... and don't buy her a cook book for christmas.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flingmoo · 07/12/2016 13:51

I think that's just tough though - if you make stupid choices you are going to get judged. If you don't like being judged, learn to cook. It's a basic life skill like knowing how to read, write, wipe your own arse etc. Of course you're going to get judged if you are a fit and able adult and can't be bothered to grow up and learn basic life skills. That applies to both men and women.

I'd be ashamed if my son or daughter got to adulthood without learning those skills.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 07/12/2016 13:52

God, she must have felt very small having a new friend expose her incompetence like that and then make such a dramatic fuss, no wonder she wouldn't accept cooking lessons from you.

I'd be surprised if she accepts your apology.

inmyotherlife · 07/12/2016 13:54

I suspect she's embarrassed enough about it without someone else rubbing it in.
I can't sew, as in a button will take me half an hour. I would always delegate to someone more capable. Of course I could learn but I'm not the least bit interested.
I would apologise to her Op and accept we all have failings.

user1480946351 · 07/12/2016 13:54

I expect both parents whatever they have down their pants be able to cook

But WHY, is the point? As long as the kid is adequately fed, who cares who cooks? And why is it any of your business?
Do you always expect strangers to live up to your personal ideals? WTF is up with that?