to think school can't require dd to come back in the evening for performance?

[tankerdale]

Genuinely don't know if IABU. DD is year 4. Christmas production is a play featuring mainly years 5&6, other children are required to be in a choir. Performance is 6pm on a Friday night which means dropping dd at 5.15 and collecting about 8.15 or going to watch. Dd has end of term-it is, is ryb down and doesn't want to do it. I have two younger children, youngest is 1 and DH isn't reliably back home til 8.30pm so it's really impractical for me to watch or to drive and drop her/collect her with the others. If she wanted to do it I'd probably try harder to make arrangements but she's adamant she doesn't want to. They've been told they have to come back for it unless there's a good reason - but aibu to say she can't come because of practicalities? They can't require it can they?

I feel for the school as if a lot of parents feel the same and don't bring the kids back what's the point of doing it? I doubt the teachers want to be there. But people would complain if the school didn't do a play, they'd complain if there was only one performance.

Aderyn2016: Of course they're not all the same. Acknowledging that isn't the same as acknowledging they should always get to choose what they do. It is a good lesson for them to understand that they sometimes need to go out of their way for others.

Aderyn2016: I don't see that it makes that much difference that she didn't choose to do it. It is a school performance. Sometimes things we don't choose to do are important even when we only play a small part.

At my DC's school the Christmas show is on 2 evenings - drop off is 5.40pm and pick up around 7 but most stay and watch. Whole school is involved - it's a lower school so ages 4-9. I don't see what the problem is?? It's just once a year!

I doubt the DC will be included next year after 2 years of no show.

"Does she have a responsibility to her fellow cast members?"

The girl is in year 4. No, she does not.

Threads like this make me thankful for home schooling when there's a chance other parents think like that. Get a grip. Jesus Christ 😂

"The girl is in year 4. No, she does not."

What if she had a main part? Or was singing a solo?

I'd make her go and get someone to pick her up for you.

My DD in year five was in a school production of the Lion King. She had four evening performances in one week (she was also in the choir). I was lucky if she was home and in bed by 9.30pm as she had to have face paint washed off every night and was always hungry despite being sent with snacks.

Yes it was inconvenient to me as a parent and yes it was tough getting her up for school the next day but in your case it's a one off evening with no school the next day.

I expect the dd is not keen to do it because she's not really got much of a role. It's a bit crap to just be in the choir really, and it sounds like op's dd is used to performing. It's a shame the school haven't made it so all the children are on the stage doing something.

Thing is, 2 years no show will probably mean no part next year either. If she wants a decent part next year she will need to go this year.

Does sound like a bit of a nightmare for you, but maybe you could explain that bit to her, then see if she still doesn't want to do it.

Trifle, I don't believe in totally allowong children to dictate what they do. Obviously some things are compulsory and where a child has chosen to commit to an activity, I think it is right that they see it through - this teaches the child about commitment and responsibility to others in their group. However I think that children are entitled to a fair degree of choice over some aspects of their lives, with what they commit to after school being one of them. School takes up a big chunk of the day and I don't consider it fair to make a child commit their after school hours as well,if that is not what the child wants.

Where does it sound as if "op's dd is used to performing"?

Op said she did ballet and ballet shows and church shows.

Think yabu. You can't drop her and arrange left back, or her dh to collect her? Also can't see any reason in world not to take younger two. They won't exactly be out till midnight...

If u wanted her to do it, I imagine you'd arrange it. You dont, so you're making up reasons to avoid it.

Aderyn2016: And whilst I think children should have choice in their lives, I don't think that applies universally. Sometimes showing loyalty to the school community comes first. Not all the time, but I think this is an example of a time when a child should be encouraged to not let everyone else down.

Trifle, I think we'll have to agree to disagree. If the child is not massively unwilling to go (more that they just don't fancy it) and it doesn't make life much harder for the parents and younger siblings, then yes, they could just do it . But if doing it causes more negative impact to the family than missing it would to the school (which is maybe where particular role assigned to the child comes in), then I really do think it is okay to opt out.

I don't know if this happens in schools generally, but it might help if teachers tell the kids from the start what they will have to commit to and give them an opt out if the child really isn't keen, so no one feels let down at the last minute.

Aderyn2016: We will definitely have to agree to disagree. I think kids given a constant opt-out grow into self-absorbed, flaky adults. Not my kids, thanks.

I'm amazed by how many people say 'DH should rearrange his work'- not everybody can do this.

And 'get a babysitter' do you all have people sitting around clamouring to babysit?
I frequently have to miss things- kids' school things, things I want to go to as getting a babysitter can be nigh-on impossible- especially when lots of people will need babysitters like on school performance nights.

Quite apart from the cost.

At my kids school, they have no choice about being in plays/productions etc.
they tell us not to bring younger kids to the performances. I ignore that. I have 3 kids, and if I'm not allowed to bring siblings, then that would mean trying to get a babysitter for the 3 different plays/concerts etc in the next few weeks. DH works away- he can't just 'rearrange' - he'd lose his job!

I don't know if this happens in schools generally, but it might help if teachers tell the kids from the start what they will have to commit to and give them an opt out if the child really isn't keen

My friend runs a drama group which puts on two productions a year. All the children are told about the time commitment required but it still doesn't stop the flakier ones from skipping rehearsals and even performances, so I'm not sure warning them would make any difference.

I'm amazed by how many people say 'DH should rearrange his work'- not everybody can do this.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but I got the impression that the DH just won't commit to being home, not can't. No mention of shift work or zero hours contract which I think would make this suggestion appropriate.

The OP and DH clearly don't consider this a priority event as she hasn't got a main part.

I think you're putting too much responsibility for the decision on your daughter. She knows how difficult it will be and that you don't really want to go so that will make any wobbling a sealed deal.

Yanbu. I stopped dd1 from doing her evening performance. Our kids go to bed around 6.30 on school nights. She did the 2pm one in sure she wasn't the only kid missing.

Yes you should take her back. It's for the school to decide when your child is required to attend, not your choice. If you have a problem with that then you should home educate your children. It is common for schools to insist that the child attends in the evening for a one-off occasion like this, so you have to comply.

No Gin, it isn't for the school to decide. They do not have PR for the children they teach and this remains a parental decision regardless of what people consider to be the morally correct thing to do.

Love how the old 'if you don't like it, homeschool' bollocks gets trotted out on threads like this. Surprised it took this long tbh. It is an utterly ridiculous thing to say - teaching is a skill that not everyone can just do. Apart from anything else, many parents are working full time in order to keep a roof over their children's heads.
You seem to be suggesting that refusal to allow a school to determine every aspect of a child's life at will (irrespective of how that may impact on the family generally), does not mean parents should have to opt out of the entire system

Sorry, should say 'means parents should have to opt out of the entire system'.

I have four children in primary school - reception,year one,year three and year four. Letters came home Thursday for ticket allocation...2.15pm performance or 6pm performance. First I'd heard of there being an evening performance! I'm a single parent, have no family or friends in the area, don't drive and the school is a 30 minute walk from my house. Only one ticket per child, per performance means I can't take the other children to watch. So, we would get home from school at 4pm, have to leave again at 5pm, get home at 6pm,leave again at 6.30pm, home again at 7.30pm. Wednesday, Thursday, Monday and Tuesday. Two and a half hours walking for a 4 year old...It's not going to happen.
I'm more than a little puzzled as to why the school didn't feel the need to ask parents if the children would be available for evening performances :-/