to think school can't require dd to come back in the evening for performance?

[tankerdale]

Genuinely don't know if IABU. DD is year 4. Christmas production is a play featuring mainly years 5&6, other children are required to be in a choir. Performance is 6pm on a Friday night which means dropping dd at 5.15 and collecting about 8.15 or going to watch. Dd has end of term-it is, is ryb down and doesn't want to do it. I have two younger children, youngest is 1 and DH isn't reliably back home til 8.30pm so it's really impractical for me to watch or to drive and drop her/collect her with the others. If she wanted to do it I'd probably try harder to make arrangements but she's adamant she doesn't want to. They've been told they have to come back for it unless there's a good reason - but aibu to say she can't come because of practicalities? They can't require it can they?

I meant after school activities after school, not the Christmas play, Trifle !!

Yello, so you'd have taken your baby, a three year old and a six year old for a 50 min walk there for seven then back again at 9? Then hats off to you, you're a better woman than me.

I'm sure you'd have been the first to complain when the two little ones screamed through the service because they needed to be in bed too.

I think it's really sad how many parents on this thread don't want to support their DCs' schools. Do you honestly think the teachers want to be there?

They do it for the DCs and their parents, sadly some parents don't deserve that sort of dedication.

Luckily they are super easy to take about with you. Oh, but then you and your baby are probably special. Can't use a sling. Doesn't settle well if you leave the house at 7.30pm. Don't drive. DH works away

What a horrible post.

I'm sorry if you don't like it but all the above things are actually true for my baby.

I find it ridiculous that doing controlled crying so the family can get some sleep is akin to child abuse on MN but dragging out tired and overwrought young children and babies so the ops dd can participate in a concert she doesn't even want to do is ay okay.

No one wishes more than me my baby would happily settle anywhere, would sleep in the sling etc. I have tried and tried and tried and the result is a screaming baby. Sorry if you think that is being a special snowflake but there isn't a lot I can do about it.

They're easy to take about with you yes but sling or not, my babies would have screamed the place down when they wanted to be in bed, in the dark, breastfeeding. But obviously other babies aren't so special.

Well it sounds like a laugh a minute in some houses. Life isn't just about bedtime rules. Reading back through this thread there are a lot of pampered little ones learning the most important rule in life .... I don't have to do school stuff because my mum says they can't make me. No wonder teachers have such a difficult time getting the kids to do anything with parents having attitudes like this

It's not a laugh a minute in mine, I wish we could be laissez faire about bedtime but we can't.

I do support my child's school. I made costumes for the play. I have donated hundreds of pounds worth of resources that I could have sold. I offered to make costumes for any children who didn't have any. I offered to help make the set.

It just doesn't involve dragging my children out when they're exhausted and need to go to bed.

It is OK if your child is really not up to it. So be it. I'm sure in years to come your child will be able to participate. All will not be lost if Christmas production this year is missed- 'tis not a crime last time I looked, yet reading this, one might think so.

If you would keep her off if she was Mary, then keep her off. Otherwise take her. It's a seriously crap lesson that small parts don't matter. And she's 8, not 4.

BertrandRussell: This.

If you would keep her off if she was Mary, then keep her off. Otherwise take her. It's a seriously crap lesson that small parts don't matter.

But small parts don't matter as much. If a child is proud of their small part and wants to participate, then of course parents shouldn't tell them it doesn't matter, but that isn't the situation here.

If Mary doesn't turn up, it spoils the play for everyone - stressed teachers having to find an understudy, confused children, the audience watching a play that isn't as good as the morning performance. If choir singer #28 doesn't turn up? Be realistic, it doesn't really have much impact.

If choir singer #28 doesn't turn up? Be realistic, it doesn't really have much impact.

Actually it does if a number of them don't turn up.

But small parts don't matter as much

They matter to the whole production. And the lesson is valuable: you can't pick and choose based on whether you got the plum part because the world doesn't revolve around you.

If choir singer #28 doesn't turn up? Be realistic, it doesn't really have much impact.

No but if numbers 14-28 don't turn up, it does have an impact. Which is often the case - a sparse looking choir or orchestra if it's an evening performance.

In our case I don't get it. We have a school catchment of less than a mile. It takes 5 minutes to drop a dc off.

Just to be clear - there is the play happening on stage then the choir to the side which consists of half the school each of the 2 performances (thurs upper school, Friday lower school). That's 120 children in the choir give or take (minus those with a part).

Give the op a break, my dds school have scheduled an evening performance this year (she's 5) . They didn't last year so was a bit of a shock to me! . No prior notice , no opt out.
My Dh works abroad and I have 3 year old ds, I've already said I can't bring her back for it and teacher was fine, in fact she thought it was silly too, for younger ones.

They matter to the whole production. And the lesson is valuable: you can't pick and choose based on whether you got the plum part because the world doesn't revolve around you.

I'd absolutely agree with you if this was an activity the OPs DD had chosen to take part in - if she was a reserve player for a hockey team, part of the chorus for a dramatic performance, etc. Dropping out because you aren't the star is very bad form. But this is something she hasn't chosen to do and doesn't seem to want to do - as I said upthread, not every child enjoys or is comfortable with this sort of thing. It's a different situation, IMO.

True cancel as a child I dreaded the school plays
And would beg the teacher to not give me a part as I couldn't stand the thought of being on stage in front of people!

I think ops got good reason to miss it - her dd isn't keen, isn't feeling up to it, didn't sign up for it.

It's fairly normal for me once my dc hit 9/10 to have to pick up from somewhere at 8pm/9pm once a week. This time of year - probably three times a week. They don't do many extra curricular activities so we don't particularly invite it. But it's a big part of their social life.

Difficult one....did she have any choice about whether she was a part of this performance? If she said yes to it then she should go and do it, to learn that you cannot let people down. If it was foisted on her, I guess that is a bit different, but she still needs to think about whether she is vital to the performance and the whole issue of not letting people down.

My DS (y6) has his Xmas play today, he doesn't have a big role, just in the choir (can't sing a note LOL).

There's two performances, one in school hours and another in the evening. The letter stated that children are "expected" to attend both performances, but I have other commitments so I won't be taking him to the evening one.

Mind you as a child of the 70s/80s not all the class had parts anyway

Not all children are the same

Yeah, everyone thinks their child is special and shouldn't have to do what is expected of them.

Yes, everyone does think their child is special. That's because they are. It is a parents job to do what is best for the individual that is their child.
If you wouldn't expect all adults to be treated exactly the same, no matter what their personal circumstances, then you shouldn't expect it of children.

*Most kids are super-excited about being in the school play, staying up late etc

This isn't true. Many shy children simply hate being forced to participate in such things. I was one. I can remember how it felt being pushed into doing things I didn't want to do - horrid. I hated being on stage.

Now I'm still shy but I'm perfectly ok, it's just my personality.*

I said 'most', not all, Mountainhighchair. I know some shy children really hate it - which is why I asked the OP if she'd considered that her daughter might have some real anxiety about being on stage rather than just being tired.

I was also painfully shy as a child and still am - that's why I asked! I was actually fine with school plays but would always look for excuses not to go to things where I'd have to play with other children I didn't know very well. I would always tell my mum 'I'm tired' or 'I don't fee well' or 'it sounds boring' rather than 'I'm terrified of meeting new people and I can't really articulate why.'

So I just wondered if the OP was sure that tiredness was the real reason her DD was so adamant that she didn't want to go.