Am I being over optimistic to think this is doable?

[Whatallama]

My husband and I have been invited to a family wedding about 3 hours away from where we live. It's not immediate family, but I'd like to go if at all possible. It's my husbands side of the family, not that it makes much difference.

The problem is that I'm pregnant with our first, and this wedding is on the due date. My husband thinks we'd be nuts to go, but I think it may be doable. If the baby comes before, chances are we wouldn't make it, but if I'm still pregnant, there's no complications, and I still feel ok, then I'm thinking we could do it.

Obviously, we'd have to take everything with us in the car, in case I went into labour there (we'd probably stay the night of the wedding), so all the baby things, car seat, my stuff, maternity notes etc.

Ideally I'd like to just see how we're doing, but I'm not sure that's fair on the bride and groom, because they may well be wasting money on us.

It's still 6 months away, and they don't even know that I'm pregnant yet, but we'll need to chat things through with them.

I know many people will think I'm nuts for even considering this, but if I'm well, AIBU to think that with proper planning, its possible?

Sorry to hear about your recent experience, Soloman. That must have been really tough and I can understand why this is an emotional topic. Please believe me when I say that although I am facing childbirth for the first time, I am under no illusions about the degree of control I have over things (none) and the degree of good luck involved in having a straightforward birth.

I think all I was saying was that there are people (like the OP) who live far away from the nearest large hospital and would need accommodation in the event that their baby required ongoing care. If that is provided by the hospital, great. If not, what do those parents do? They make alternative arrangements. What other choices would they have?

Poor OP has taken a beating on this thread. I think all she was trying to point out is that the risks of her baby needing special care would be the same regardless of wedding (non) attendance and that in either case, she would need to arrange accommodation away from home!

I personally think it would be horrid to go to the wedding - for you. You underestimate just how hard on the body the last few stages of pregancy are, let alone labour and post partum.

But the point is, surely, you have quite literally NO idea what will be happening with you and your baby the day of the wedding. The day before you will have no idea... whether the baby comes or does not, whether you have issues with spd, blood pressure, whatever. It is MORE likely than not that going to that wedding will end up being quite difficult in some form or another and you will either need to cancel, or want to cancel. So I think it wouldbe a little bit unfair to the bride and groom have so many variables hinging on your attendance so close to the wedding. People not turning up costs them money etc. You say you 'probably' will not do it, but you need to decide before the RSVP date if you are or not, because it would be unfair, IMO to just wing it and see.

My immediate reaction upon reading the op was 'you're nuts you haven't a clue!' In the way that all pregnant for first time mums often are.

Having read all your responses I'm now genuinely worried that you're putting far too much pressure and too high expectations on yourself which is as several other posters have said a recipe for pnd, but I'm wondering if there's an element of prenatal anxiety/denial/depression going on.

Makes me wonder if it was an unplanned pregnancy or you fell pregnant faster than you thought you would or even thought you couldn't get pregnant for some reason/had problems conceiving. A cousin of mine was ttc for over 2 years, when she did fall pregnant it threw her completely and she was sort of in shock/denial.

I too agree not people over reacting but giving you the benefit of their experience of something you haven't even had a taste of hardly yet.

My sister and 2 friends all had early (but not prem) babies with VERY fast labours, it happens rarely but it does happen.

Less rare is spd, pre-eclampsia/high blood pressure, oedema, anemia, tiredness, continuing morning sickness... With the event/logistics you're describing even piles would make it miserable for you.

Out of the many women I know only one gave birth without any difficulties with late pregnancy/birth.

My own full term pregnancy I was prior to pregnancy slim, fit and stupidly healthy. I had morning sickness pretty much throughout, developed spd, had migraines, piles, pre-eclampsia and anaemia. I ended up first stage labour for a week no progression, was then induced, 28 hour labour, baby became distressed, my heart started failing (genetic pregnancy only heart condition previously undiagnosed and quite rare) so emergency section. Baby was in scbu for a week and I was recovering from section. At 5 months old baby and us moved back to uk from Germany. That weekend was HELL and that was months later!

Basically at 3 months you have no idea how you're going to be at 9 months. You can't predict or imagine it.

You'll also by that point more than likely be more concerned about potential issues for the baby as the later in pregnancy you get the more reality starts sinking in. I remember a friend turning round to me when ahe was 7 months and exclaiming 'omg I'm having an actual baby!' not sure what she'd been thinking before that point.

Good luck and I wish you and your family the very best but I do think a bit of reality needs to creep in.

I'm trying to look at all the issues, work out if there's a way around it, and then I'll make a final decision later on.

But I'm not going to say I'm not going, on the basis of things that I view as easily work around. There are a lot of very sensible reasons which have been suggested, which mean this might not be a very good idea - and as I've said, I'm now unlikely to go. But there are other reasons, that seem a little far fetched to me.

Name change, I don't know why you think it would cost £100 a day for Airbnb - I usually pay about a third of that. If I gave birth up there, whilst its possible for things to go very wrong, and an otherwise healthy baby to end up in a protracted hospital stay (many weeks or months, rather than a few days), my guess is its fairly rare, where there have been no indications of problems whatsoever.

But to avoid the risk of that, surely I'd have to be within about half an hour of my home hospital (which has limited facilities for very ill babies), from say, 24 weeks, just in case the baby came very early, or suddenly. Thats not feasible with work, and chances are, I'd be by myself in cities a couple of hours away, by myself, on public transport, until a couple of weeks before I'm due.

And what if, when on holiday, or visiting distant family later, the baby became ill. There's always a chance, with a small child,that you could be stuck somewhere away from home, if they became ill. I don't think its proportional or practical, to stay within half an hour of home for months or months, just in case the baby (either before or after it is born) suddenly requires a protracted hospital stay.

I'm more concerned with the likely risks, of me having to give birth up there and stay for a few days, than the unlikely scenario we'd have to stay for months.

I phrased my first sentence clumsily- I was trying to say that I think travelling all that way at that late stage in pg would make the OP feel ghastly.

Op as others have said, you have it all sussed. There was absolutely no reason to ask people to give you the benefit of their own very personal experiences. They are to be disregarded because you know best hun.

You go and purchase yourself a nice pretty dress and enjoy the wedding.

I think whatever happens, it'll be interesting for me to come back to this in 6 months time, and see how I actually feel :-)

No, the risk of having a baby at 24 weeks isn't the same as having it around the due date!

That's why you can take your maternity leave a couple of weeks before the due date, as most people by then are finding it harder to get around, and the danger of going into labour in an unexpected place much higher.

It's not some kind of crazy caution not to travel 300 miles away from home on your due date, honestly it isn't!

i don't get your example of a baby being ill on holiday so no one should go anywhere. That's different - the parents would likely be physically fine with birth one of you is seriously vulnerable. You can just about deal with it at home but most people would find being in unfamiliar circumstances at that time really hard. If it can't be avoided Mary and Joseph scenario that's one thing but to bring this about to go to a wedding of non close family and to "prove" life goes on appears to the majority misguided at best.

It would be very intereresting. You'll likely read and think it's a completely different person that wrote that

I don't know about others but I struggle to remember even how I felt as a person before dd it's a really weird feeling. Admittedly she's a big Lang streak of 15 now but even when she was still tiny I felt that way. It's bizarre!

Would it be possible to see whether you could go to the ceremony then go off for lunch/nap/whatever with your DH then come back as evening guests? Obviously depends what sort of wedding it is but it's usually the meal that they need definite numbers for so it might be an option. I can't help with the travelling heavily pregnant thing as I had DS at 35 weeks but I'd have taken him along at 5 weeks old. We went away a lot in the early days when he was portable. Just planned lots of stops on the way for feeding and to give him a break from the car seat. I don't think you're mad to consider going if you can figure out a way of making sure the couple don't lose out if you cancel last minute. I don't think it's a bad mindset to be in that life goes on...clearly things change but there's no reason to think you're going to be housebound with no social life for ever more!

OP, no-one is suggesting staying within 30 mins of your local hospital for months on end. For both of my pregnancies, I was doing an 120 mile round trip to work. If you have to travel with work, you have to do it. Thats completely different about choosing to go to a wedding 3 hours away.

And in answer to your question, of course there are always risks of a baby / small child becoming ill whilst you're on a day trip / holiday - but you'll be a mum then, more prepared for the adventure of having a baby, (slightly) more prepared to deal with the rollercoaster of children!

What everyone is saying here is that at 3 months' pregnant with your first child, you are in for the biggest surprise of your life (mostly good ) so that what you think might be a good idea now, and well within your capabilities, might seem completely unrealistic in 5 or 6 months.

And as I said up thread, the bride and groom are very unlikely to want you at the wedding knowing that something could go wrong, so its not just about the money, the practicalities of planning of every eventuality and hoping for a bit of luck, its about them. Its their day.

Op you still haven't explained why you are so keen to go the wedding of people you barely know

Because OP loves a wedding!!!

I was determined also to not let having a baby chance my lifestyle, OR restrict me in any way.

I think I can recall that person........but I certainly don't recognise her anymore!

My honest opinion, OP, is that you should not be so hard on yourself and expect too much of yourself vis a vis continuing on with your life uninterrupted. At the very minimum, be a bit conservative around your due date. Personally I think it would be pure and utter madness to try and travel so far for something so non-essential at that time.

Sorry to say this, but you do sound a bit pompous, OP.

Ok, some of the scenarios are a bit dramatic. Most people manage to deliver healthy babies without accompanying trauma (not me, I have to say).

However, I would think only a tiny proportion of women could suffer a three-hour car journey (and three hours back) at 9 months pregnant - plus all the sitting/standing around. You will be 2 stone heavier. Your ankles will be swollen. Your bladder will be squashed. You will not be able to sleep properly. Those are just facts.

Additionally it is unfair on the bride and groom. Having to be armed out of the church or in the middle of the reception - that is stealing someone's thunder and is not good behaviour . Babies can come unexpectedly. But on this occasion it would not be unexpected at all.

Is anyone saying the alternative to going to a wedding 3 hours away on your due date is to stay within half an hour of your 'home' hospital from your sixth month of pregnancy until your baby is several months old? No, they are not.

You have a choice to go to the wedding, it'd be very uncomplicated to not go, so given that it isn't more essential, the vast majority of women are saying, based on their experience - I would give it a miss.

I really think there's some psychology at play within you about this, in choosing to pretty much minimise almost everyone's opinion, based on their real life experience.

Of course, you must make the final decision about this yourself, but to use a Mumsnet meme: what did you hope to get out of posting this thread?!

But I'm not going to say I'm not going, on the basis of things that I view as easily work around.

I think the point that people are trying to make to you is that you dont know how easy these things will be to work around because you haven't done it yet. And pregnancy is a funny thing because it can all be smooth sailing until its not (and I do not mean to sound negative and I very much hope it all goes smoothly).

No one capable of signing up to Mumsnet is incapable of booking an Airbnb- but what is simple under normal circumstances can be very different in times of extreme stress.

I felt great at FT pregnant and would have been absolutely fine with this.

It was our one year wedding anniversary when I was 37 weeks' pregnant and we went on a mini-break which was 3 hours' drive away. We also went walking - about 4 miles! Then I attended my friend's wedding at 38 weeks pg.

DD1 wasn't born until 9 days after the due date anyway (41 + 2).

I think the best thing, OP, is to say you'd like to come but obviously in the event that having the baby just before or on the day would mean that you can't! If they need a firmer response then just say no.

2014newme -

please see my posts at 10:24 and 11:23

Again, I wasn't asking if I should go, I was asking whether it was doable. I totally get that most women wouldn't want to go, and it may well be, that when the time comes I won't want to go either.

Part of my reasoning for this post was because my friends IRL were so relaxed about the idea, and I wanted a bit more of a critical look at it, to see if there are issues that I've overlooked. The result of that is there are probably things I have overlooked, and I'm now thinking that although its doable, I'm not sure its something I want to do. It doesn't mean that I think all of the reasons given are good reasons for me not going. All in all, its probably just too much faff, at a time when I'll probably have other things on my mind.

I don't have to RPSV yet, so I'll keep it formally an option for now , in case I have a change of view (or circumstances :-( )

If nothing else op please please come back in 9 months time (not 6, let yourself really live the experience!) and update us on how you feel about a baby not changing your life. With the hindsight of a little bit of knowledge you can re-visit your air bnb and argos collection ideas too! Good luck, you're going to need it.

Some very condescending posts here. Not everyone will have the same experience of being a new parent. The OP may find that a baby changes her life totally or she may not. There is no need to engage in patronising 'ha ha ha' type comments.

You will be 2 stone heavier. Nope.

Your ankles will be swollen. Nope.

Your bladder will be squashed. Yup.

You will not be able to sleep properly. Nope.

Those are just facts. Nope.

These are the experiences of lots of women but they are not facts. IF the OP is comfortable, there is no reason for her not to do what she wants to do, providing she has thought through the implications.

I was 4 stone heavier! But pretty light to start with for me so I was mostly ok with it.

On my due date with DC1 I climbed a 250 m hill, went out for a curry ( and some bubbly) and had lots of sex.

On my due date with DC I went for a bike ride whilst having contractions.

Could of managed a wedding both times.

But obviously some wouldn't want to or couldn't.

You won't know until you're there. So only say yes if it'd be ok for you to drop out if you need to!

You don't sound pompous, you sound open minded. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy! X