Am I being over optimistic to think this is doable?

[Whatallama]

My husband and I have been invited to a family wedding about 3 hours away from where we live. It's not immediate family, but I'd like to go if at all possible. It's my husbands side of the family, not that it makes much difference.

The problem is that I'm pregnant with our first, and this wedding is on the due date. My husband thinks we'd be nuts to go, but I think it may be doable. If the baby comes before, chances are we wouldn't make it, but if I'm still pregnant, there's no complications, and I still feel ok, then I'm thinking we could do it.

Obviously, we'd have to take everything with us in the car, in case I went into labour there (we'd probably stay the night of the wedding), so all the baby things, car seat, my stuff, maternity notes etc.

Ideally I'd like to just see how we're doing, but I'm not sure that's fair on the bride and groom, because they may well be wasting money on us.

It's still 6 months away, and they don't even know that I'm pregnant yet, but we'll need to chat things through with them.

I know many people will think I'm nuts for even considering this, but if I'm well, AIBU to think that with proper planning, its possible?

The answer isn't yes it's doable, it's that for some women it might have been. You do sound naive.

BTW, the 'what if the hospital is full' point - surely thats just as relevant whether I give birth at home or in some random city?

Absolutely. I had all my 3 DC in the hospital closest to my home. While I was in the postnatal ward with DS2, they temporarily closed the maternity ward to all new admissions because they were full.
I certainly can't imagine them saying "we'll turn away this woman from a different area who's in labour, because we've only got one bed left and if she takes it, we might have to send a local woman to another hospital"

OP yes, a full hospital is an issue regardless of where you are. The difference is that if its your local hospital and you're in labour, you probably know where Plan B or Plan C is.

It would be a different story if you're 3 hours away from home without local knowledge.

Yep obviously an extreme example, but these things happen.

But it sounds as though you're dismissing most people's views when they say don't do it because you feel you will be able to. That's obviously your choice.

its a crazy idea. I wouldnt even risk it for immediate family

Soloman, once again, if my baby was in NICU and I gave birth at home, the baby would be over an hour away from where I live. We'd be much closer if we had an airbnb nearby.
If I'm sick, then I'm hospital as well.
Getting a few decent quality waterprrof mattress toppers wouldn't be the end of the world, and is only a couple of clicks away with internet delivery/argos collection. Its a logistical issue which I'd have to consider, so thanks for reminding me about it, but its not a massive issue.

I'm with your DH on this. I think it's a really bad idea to go to a wedding on your due date (or close to your due date). What you feel like at 3 months preg is very very different from how you will feel at full term. And if you go into labour during the journey? You don't want to be one of those couples who end up on the local evening news for giving birth in the toilets of a motorway service station...... Put your baby first, just rest and take care of yourself. If you agree to go to this wedding you will doubtless regret it, and the bride and groom may end up wasting a lot of money on your places.

Naah I wouldn't but then mine came early (3 weeks early and 5 weeks early respectively). My parents were tight lipped when I refused to go on a big family birthday weekend away at 37 weeks "first babies are never early" . Except mine was and my waters broke dramatically the saturday lunchtime of the weekend we had declined so good call.

Also echo the comments about striving to bounce around pretending you haven't had a baby and nothing has changed. Don't be too hard on yourself. The newborn /baby stage is over so quickly (old gimmer whose kids are enormous) I would advise to give into it and miss stuff for a few months. Nothing is more important, certainly not remote family weddings. But just my view feel free to ignore.

namechanged today, as I said earlier, I'd have the addresses and phone numbers of every hosptial on route, to hand anyway, so I'd know where Plan B or C is, just as much as where I live.

Tbf it's not necessarily mind over matter. I'd love to walk round the local xmas market but it's a physical impossibility for me right now. Last pregnancy I could.

Also how can bringing a child into the world not fundamentally change your life? It's not necessarily a negative if it does. I drink less and shop online more since having a child but life is infinitely richer for it.

No one can tell you how you are going to feel when you are that pregnant. I have plans right up until and including my due date. One of these being moving house 3 days before hand however this is a necessity and the other plans are not going to be a big deal if they have to be cancelled. It is just meals with friends or family, no wasted money on anyone else's behalf if I can't go and all local.

I wouldn't make such a commitment so far in advance given the circumstances. I could understand if you were perhaps more local or it was a really close friend or family member and you spoke it through with them first. But don't potentially waste their money or put yourself in a position where you feel bad when your main focus should be you and your baby.

You seem quite determined to be a bit annoyed when people are trying to use the experience that they have had and you have not to give you sensible advice - can I ask why it's so important to you to prove that you will take it all in your stride and that your life isn't going to stop or change? Inflexibility like this can make it harder for you in the long term so you may want to address this now. 5 months ago, I was where you are and thinking very similarly about things... a trimester and a half further along, and I have realised I was being a bit silly....

You obviously think you know best and are dismissing anyone who says its a bad idea, so not entirely sure why you posted if you're going to do it anyway?

I get where you're coming from OP, I felt the same during pregnancy and didn't want to change any plans. I had really easy ones compared to most, felt like I could do anything... but the last month was hard. Just the heaviness, pressure, achiness.. I wouldn't have wanted to sit in a car that long! Or stay in air bnb while bleeding heavily and possibly recovering from c-section. It's highly likely all the action will get things moving so chances are it would happen then! But only you know if you'll be able to cope with it all.

I am v surprised at the logistical problems you are potentially giving yourself for one wedding! I wouldn't even go to all that bother for my own.

Crack on by all means. With your 2 clicks away waterproof mattress et al.

I went out and did stuff on my due date too, but not that. There's just too many ifs, buts and maybes to be sensible.

Given that I went into labour with my first early the next morning after my due date and had what can be summarised as an horrific time thereafter (though not especially dramatic or unusual), the thought of being 3 hours away with accommodation and everything else to organise when I was at my lowest ebb both physically and mentally is a really, really unpleasant thought.

I see you are probably going to decline and that's probably the best thing for the bride and groom. It's their wedding so you should do what is right for them.

I get what you are saying about it not changing your life and i totally understand where you are coming from. That said, you do have to be kind to yourself and your baby. It's easy to get caught up in a 'can do' mentality if that's the type of person you normally are but this is the one point in your life when actually sometimes it's important to think differently and say no. You have lots of good role models but remember they are not you and they don't have your baby. I did WAY too much, got into a bad place and in hindsight was dealing with PND. My poor DP put up with a lot and got us all through it but i should just have relaxed a bit. You will find your own way but do give yourself the time and space to do that.

Soloman, you are right. I am very fortunate to have never experienced that situation. I didn't know hospitals provided family rooms in that instance, but it's great that they do. Obviously new mothers would need and want to be as close to their babies as possible and I'm pleased to hear that hospitals provide for that eventuality.

OP, I guess that's one less thing for you to potentially worry about!

Look, in my first pregnancy I did yoga the morning of the day I gave birth, swimming the day before, attended a wedding a couple of weeks later and moved overseas within weeks. (I'd still not have made the wedding you're talking about though, because I went into labour at 39 weeks). With my second I have just spent five weeks in hospital (yes,actually in hospital) with a sick premature baby having nearly died myself. You seem to have no clue what a tremendous amount of luck you're relying on and how bizarre your Air B and B plans sound to anyone who's been through this. Good luck.

Mike Soloman - not every hospital provides family rooms, or is close to a Ronald McDonald facility. And yes, there may be a room you can stay in for a few nights. But in a situation where your baby is poorly - in my case extreme prematurity so wouldn't be an issue in this case, but I made friends with lots of mums with babies on NICU - those rooms are available for the parents of very sick children and even then only temporarily.

And yes, of course there are airbnbs or similar. Unfortunately, when your baby is in SCBU for 61 days - guessing at a cost of £100 a night - I'm guessing that it may be more of an issue than the OP thinks!

Not all hospitals have family rooms. The provision of those varies between hospitals.

DS1 was in SCBU for about 3.5 weeks after he was born - not as ill as a baby in NICU, but still not well enough to be discharged - and the SCBU at our hospital only had one family room, so it simply wouldn't be possible in our local hospital for most parents to stay in close to their baby. Although we live locally to the hospital, so not as much of an issue for us as it might have been for some parents.

You asked the question OP but seem to have decided you don't like the answers much?

I'd have happily gone to a wedding on my due date but I wouldn't have travelled far... sitting in a car by 40w wasn't comfy.

My point wasn't really about there being other options than air b and b, it was the blase way she said it,as though the idea of a NICU baby was just something casual that you get to have a simple back up plan for. Perhaps it's all a bit raw for me as DD has only been home a week. (I've been lucky enough to be able to stay in the hospital both times, though DD wasn't born in the UK)

I don't think you're meaning to be but you are being a little selfish to the couple getting married. Will they really want the wife of a distant relative there who potentially could go into labour or at the very least will be getting a lot of attention due to it being her due date. The focus needs to be on them and not on you (there will be people there who will worry about you) so I think you're doing the right thing not going.

Hope you're both doing OK now Soloman

I think Soloman Daisy's exactly right about the assumption of good fortune that is being relied upon.

I can't compute 'current you' being so blithe and brisk about 9 months' pregnant 'future you' and 'future baby'. Don't you want to cut your future self a little slack, (either hugely pregnant with all the physically that entails, or giving birth somewhere unfamiliar), so you don't have a logistical mountain to climb and a possible physical/ emotional one too?

Also hard to explain but things shift mentally. You may now feel the wedding is a priority but I bet when you are 9 months pregnant / have a newborn baby you won't give two hoots about the wedding - your whole focus is on yourself before the baby and your on baby once it's here. It's hard to explain must be biological.