Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can some parents just up and leave their kids and forget about them ?

117 replies

reformer29 · 03/12/2016 20:47

I look at DD and wonder how her father can just leave her (never seeing her again) and just seem to get on with his life and forget about her. I cannot imagine leaving DD, I would always wonder "how is she", "What is she doing now".

This of course is not new. But I wonder how some parents could leave their kids behind (never seeing them again) and getting on with their lives ?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 03/12/2016 20:48

Because they don't care

The number one person in their lives is them

WatchMeSoar · 03/12/2016 20:52

Guilt?
I don't know, but I do know if a child has one decent parent then they will be fine.

Original poster
reformer29 · 03/12/2016 20:53

I just realised. This is not even a AIBU..

OP posts:
PirateFairy45 · 03/12/2016 20:53

Yeah, because they don't care. I hate being away from my DD. Hate it.

She calls me her best friend and we do everything together. How any mother or father could walk away from that is beyond me.

It's probably 'easier' if you don't know the child. As in, they are yours but you've not really spent much time with them. But still, not sure how they do it, unless they really don't care x

Original poster
reformer29 · 03/12/2016 20:54

You don't think it's a case of, yes I miss he/she but I've waited too long to get back in contact with her, it's best leaving it.

OP posts:
PrettySophisticated · 03/12/2016 20:55

My Dad, who was a wonderful father and is still married to my mum, is firmly of the belief that were a marriage breaks down, the best thing the father can do for everyone is to disappear and leave mum to raise the DC without "disney dad" popping up to ruin all her attempts at creating stability and discipline. Maybe some of them think it's for the best?

Original poster
reformer29 · 03/12/2016 20:58

It's like one of my close friends pirate her DS was adopted as a baby, by choice (she had a lot going on XYZ) and even though she didn't really know her son. It's 8 years now and she always wonders "what if...", "I wonder what his favourite cartoon is?", or she would look at kids, similar age to what her DS would be now and wonders if her the kids are like her DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
reformer29 · 03/12/2016 21:00

I don't agree with your dad pretty.

OP posts:
PrettySophisticated · 03/12/2016 21:02

I don't agree with my Dad either reformer, but maybe some of the absent parents do believe it's for the best.

abbsisspartacus · 03/12/2016 21:03

because they are selfish arses who would rather rewrite history and run their gums about what a terrible mother i am and how i blocked contact and they are just dying for her to get in touch they love her so much and im the big evil they won't pay a penny to because i would spend it all on myself

yep im projecting Grin my ex is a cock his wife is vile and even nanny has a nasty streak

BellaGoth · 03/12/2016 21:07

My mum walked out when I was 13. Didn't see her again until I was 18, then a few months later she went nc again. Didn't see her for 11 years.

I thought I understood but then I had my own children, and like you, OP, I really can't understand how she could do it.

Original poster
reformer29 · 03/12/2016 21:07

I just don't understand these types of parents mindset Confused.

OP posts:
SerialReJoiner · 03/12/2016 21:11

My father went on to have a shiny, new day with his second wife. I have never met his children, and in fact only found out by chance that they share the same birthday as me, his eldest child. Confused His twins are the same age as my ds, more or less.

It's very bizarre, but I do sincerely hope that he is a better father to them than he was to me and my 2 db.

SerialReJoiner · 03/12/2016 21:12

Family, not day.

Finola1step · 03/12/2016 21:12

Well, my biological grandmother did it. Walked out on 4 dc under the age of 8. Continued living in the same town with her OM. Built a new life with him, had dc with him. Became the perfect wife, mother and then grandmother.

But completely ignored her first family. I can not begin to contemplate the reasons behind her behaviour. How she could walk away and cut off 4 children she had carried, birthed and nursed. But that is what she did. And my dm, her siblings and their dc have lived with the ramifications of that decision for many, many years.

Cruel, selfish, weak and downright abusive.

TheNoodlesIncident · 03/12/2016 21:12

Pretty do you ever wonder if your Dad has another family somewhere that he hasn't told anyone about?!

It seems odd to think no contact is best course, even if the dad does care about his dc Confused

Pinkheart5915 · 03/12/2016 21:13

I don't understand it either. How do they look at themselves in the mirror everyday and leaving there own child Confused
Since having my 2 DC I know there is nothing that would make me leave them.

My nephew is 13 and his Mum left him with my brother at 3 days old and she's never seen him again!
My nephew has started to question why his mum wasn't around more lately and my brother really stuggles with what to say. I mean how do you tell a 13 year old that There own mother simply didn't want them

littlesallyracket · 03/12/2016 21:14

I don't agree with pretty's dad either, OP - but I do think some people who disappear from their children's lives genuinely think they are doing the right thing (or did, in previous generations) and making it easier for the child. I obviously don't agree that this was the right thing, but I think those people were misguided rather than uncaring, and probably found being apart from their child really difficult. I doubt this happens much these days, but I definitely think it used to when divorce was less common.

And of course, there are those people who simply don't care. It's incomprehensible to me, but there are people like that.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/12/2016 21:15

My friend got pregnant by her ex, found out he was a bad sort (lots of issues) and ended things with him. Their DS is 9 months old now and her ex has never shown any interest and has never met his child even though they lived about ten doors away from each other.

The other day the was walking through town with the pushchair, her ex walked straight past her, didn't even acknowledge her let alone their son.

One of the reasons they broke up is because she found out he already had two children (by different women) which he hadn't told her about and surprise, surprise, he doesn't have anything to do with those children either.

I just don't understand it.

PrettySophisticated · 03/12/2016 21:15

Gosh that's a stretch Noodles. I doubt it, he was only 21 when I was born and his school friend was best man at my parents' wedding.

His view is that (usually) the father should sacrifice his happiness/great need to be with his children for the greater good of them having a stable life without him. Especially where there is great conflict between the parents.

bumpetybumpbumpbump · 03/12/2016 21:17

Ha I g being abandoned by my own mother when I was a child and having many years of torture and hell, the only conclusion I can reach is that a person who does that has a major fault in their character and has possibly been damaged themselves.

WinterSpiceZoflora · 03/12/2016 21:17

Finola Shock

I know this probably sounds a bit sexist, but I find it even more incomprehensible in a mother - precisely because she's carried those children, felt the first kicks, gone through labour, all the rest.

Then to walk away as if they never existed...

DonaldStott · 03/12/2016 21:18

My dad did this. He died years ago now, but a few years ago, our half brother contacted us. My dad was married at 16 and left his wife, moved to another part of the country and met my mum in his 20s. It was a shock to us, but I just can't bring myself to condemn him for it now he is dead. I don't understanhow he could do it, but I also have nd never will get the full story.

EatTheCake · 03/12/2016 21:18

Because they are selfish fuckers!

How anyone can not love and want to see there own child I will never understand

i work with people age 18-25 and growing up knowing that one of your parents didn't want you is hard for a lot of them. It's a rejection by one of the people that should love you the most at the end of the day

reallyanotherone · 03/12/2016 21:23

Sometimes i wonder if there's an element of depression- like suicidal thoughts where you're convinced everyone will be happier if you're not around.

I know I've thought about it, just disappearing, and thinking the kids would be better off without me and my shit.

I also know a nrp who it hurts like hell every time he sees his kids because he wanted to be a proper, full time, resident dad. Now he gets to see them when his ex wants a babysitter and he's not allowed to make any decisions or have any input into their lives. It really does tear him apart living like that (to the point he is seriously depressed and has has suicidal thoughts) so I can maybe understand that too.